Effective Stepchild Discipline - p. 5 of 7

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The Web address of this three-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/disipline.htm

        This is one of a series of Web articles suggesting effective solutions for common divorced-family and stepfamily relationship problems. This subseries focuses on solving common problems between stepkids and stepparents. Most ideas apply equally to divorced co-parents and their minor kids. Read this for perspective on this nonprofit divorce-prevention site and how to best use it. Clicking any link will open a summary popup or a new window. Use your browser's "back" button to return from the latter. These ideas aim to augment, not replace, other informed professional counsel.

        Raise your problem-solving success by doing your homework. Review...

• factors promoting a high-nurturance family and healthy relationships;

• these basic stepfamily facts and implications;

• this introduction to normal personality subselves - like yours

• the five reasons many stepfamily couples re/divorce psychologically or legally, and the common problems they cause; 

• the 12 safeguard Projects co-parents can work at together to build a high-nurturance stepfamily, over time;

• core premises about effective co-parenting; and...

• these questions and answers about stepparenting and stepkids.

This three-page article builds on these basic ideas to outline (a) 10 common surface problems typical stepparents have with disciplining their minor stepkids, and (b) suggestions for resolving 31 common underlying primary problems. Relationship problems with adult stepkids are explored here.

        Take your time - there's a lot here!

What's the Problem?

        "Stepparent" is a role, not a person. The role is challenging partly because of over 40 environmental differences from traditional biomother and biofather roles. The alien roles of stepson (daughter), stepsister (brother), and half-sibling are just as confusing! Most men and women who choose stepparenting responsibilities are initially unsure about how and when to provide effective discipline (limits and consequences) for their mate's minor child/ren. Their mate, stepkids, and "the other (bio)parent" are often confused too, and/or have conflicting opinions and values. Whether stepparents are clear on their role or not, typical minor stepkids need to test to clarify their rank and confirm their safety in their alien new multi-home family.

        Co-parents relying on traditional biofamily child-discipline techniques often raise household and stepfamily stress! This leaves co-parents (like you?) wondering "What’s the problem, and who should solve it?" Like all family-relationship stressors, there are surface "stepchild-discipline" problems, and some underlying primary stressors. If this is a new idea to you, read this and return.

What's Your Situation?

        See where you fit among this partial array of possible stepchild-discipline scenarios. In what follows, T = true, F = false, and ? = "It depends (on what?)" or "I'm not sure."

        You are now...

a childless, first-time stepmother / stepfather, or a dual-role co-parent – a stepparent and a new or veteran bioparent.  (T  F ?)

a full-time (custodial) or part-time stepparent, or both.  (T  F ?)

You can name (a) over five of the normal developmental needs, and (b) at least 10 of the ~30 special family-adjustment needs of typical minor stepkids now (T  F ?)

You usually enjoy having babies / kids / teens / in your home and life now (T  F ?)

Each stepchild in your family has grieved her or his biofamily's breakup well enough. (T  F  ?)

Your stepkid/s is/are (a) under six years old; (b) between six and puberty, (c) a teen, (d) over 18, or (e) several of these.

You genuinely respect each resident or visiting stepchild as a person of equal dignity and worth to you, despite any "bad chemistry" or behavioral "problems." (T  F  ?)

You enjoy your role as a stepparent often enough. (T  F ?)

You mates are (a) clear that you all are a multi-home stepfamily, and (b) you each know specifically what that identity means. (T  F ?)

Your mate’s actions (vs. words) usually say "In conflicts and non-emergencies, our marriage usually ranks second with me, behind my health and integrity;" vs. "My child/ren usually come first with me."  (T  F ?)

You and your mate basically agree on what "effective" child discipline is. (T  F ?)

From 1 (very different) to 10 (very similar), your and your mate’s values and styles of child discipline are about a ___.

You generally discipline to guide, teach, and protect via respectful assertion and reasonable consequences; vs. to force obedience and order by punishing - i.e. causing pain, fear, shame, and guilt. (T  F ?) 

Your partner's ex mate is (a) dead and well- grieved, or (b) alive and actively involved in co-parenting, or (c) seldom heard from;

On a scale from 1 (very harmonious) to 10 (very stressful), recent relations between your stepchild's bioparents are about a ___.

(a) all your co-parents know the difference between fighting and problem solving now; and (b) you all experience few of these communication blocks in discussing child discipline in and between our homes. (T  F  ?)

Your biological and step relatives respect your (a) stepparent role and (b) your style of (step)child discipline enough. (T  F ?)

Your stepchild/ren would agree that the disciplinary (a) rules and (b) consequences in their two homes are similar enough, in most situations. (T  F ?)

All your co-parents and important relatives share an effective strategy now for identifying and resolving loyalty and values conflicts, and relationship triangles in and between your stepchild/ren's homes. (T  F ?)

        This (partial) list illustrates how many factors shape what kind of stepchild-discipline problems you co-parents have, why, and possible options for reducing them. You can see why it’s likely you'll probably have several internal and interpersonal conflicts over "stepchild discipline" occurring at once.

        A core premise in this site is that role and relationship "problems" are usually surface symptoms of unmet primary needs. Though every stepfamily is unique, there are...

Common Surface Stepchild-discipline Problems

        Check any that are “significant” now in or between your co-parenting home/s…

_ 1) Your stepchild ignores or disobeys you too often, and your attempts to improve this aren't working;

_ 2) You feel uncomfortable with and/or unsure of your authority to discipline your stepchild;

_ 3) You feel criticized about how you discipline your stepchild by someone whose opinion matters;

_ 4) You feel too little (disciplinary) support from your partner - i.e. you feel "It's me against them" too often;

_ 5) You feel significantly disliked and/or disrespected by a minor or adult stepchild, and often feel hurt, resentful, torn, angry, and guilty;

_ 6) You and your mate disagree on some aspect of (step)child discipline, and can't resolve your differences well enough, so far;

_ 7) Someone is upset because you seem to discipline your biochild/ren differently than your stepchild/ren;

_ 8) You honestly don't like or respect a stepchild, which biases your discipline despite your best efforts;

_  9) Your partner's ex mate or another relative has significantly opposed or sabotaged your stepparenting authority, and/or your efforts to discipline their child; and/or...

_ 10) You mates often disagree: s/he...

• wants you to (want to) discipline her or his child differently (e.g. more strict / less strict / more friendship / more humor / more praise…); and...

• you don't really want to, or you don't know how.

        These are typical surface problems with stepchild discipline. The rest of this article outlines underlying primary problems that are probably combining to cause your mix of them. Because this is a complex topic and your time (and patience?) is limited, the following is spare.
 

Primary-problem Solution Options

Get Ready...

        To reduce your risk of trying first-order (changeless) changes that don’t permanently improve your discipline effectiveness, I urge you and your mate to first read, do, and discuss all the Web articles and worksheets in co-parent Project 10 or the related guidebook Build a Co-parenting Team. This is like investing a month researching language, customs, laws, geography, and health conditions to enjoy spending a safe vacation in Madagascar or rural Peru. If you're too distracted or not truly motivated to do this preparation, I respectfully suggest you look elsewhere for help.

        Though co-parents in stepfamilies and biofamilies share the same goals, stepfamily childcare is usually far more complex and conflictual than traditional bioparenting. If you think prior experience and "common sense" empowers you to resolve your stepfamily “obedience” problems (i.e. you think Peru is "pretty much like home") - it probably doesn't!

        To successfully apply these co-parenting basics and the suggestions below, you partners will need to...

Adopt a long-term problem-solving outlook (e.g. 10-15 years) vs. short-term gratification ["I want Jenny to (want to) start cleaning up her room now."]

Adopt attitudes of co-parental and re/marital teamwork: "This is our (family) problem" vs. "It's me or us against ___ here."

Really accept that "the problem" is not your stepchild, or "obedience," or "the mess in her room” (or whatever). It is almost certainly a mix of deeper unmet adult and child needs that you mates and other co-parents must (a) uncover together, (b) focus on one at a time without blame or competition, and (c) patiently fill together over time using your Project-2 communication skills. You'll probably profit most by solving a whole class of primary discipline problems, vs. a string of individual problems. Option: frame your main co-parenting goal as “Evolve an effective way of resolving any ‘child-discipline’ problem in and between our co-parenting homes.”

Work with your other co-parents toward effectively spotting and dismantling toxic stepfamily relationship triangles (a) among your subselves, and (b) between your adults and kids. Most family role and relationship conflicts involve internal relationship triangles, which need resolution before triangles between people can be avoided or dismantled.

     More ways to prepare to solve your "discipline" problems...

Accept that to get the results you want, you'll probably need to want to change something you value - e.g. a favorite value, vision of yourself and/or your stepfamily, or a perception. Notice your reaction...

Review the communication skill of digging down below surface problems to the primary unmet needs “beneath them.” Your "discipline" dilemma is probably a symptom of the problems (unmet needs) below! Finally,...

Be alert for any of these other stepparent-stepchild topics promoting your “disobedience” problem/s - specially stepparent-stepchild disrespect, distrust, and boundary and/or visitation conflicts.

        When you partners have invested time and energy in these steps, you’re well prepared to...

Resolve Your Primary Problems Together

        Suggestion: read this whole article, and asterisk the problems below that you think may be relevant in your situation. Then go back and research solutions to the starred items one at a time.

Probably several of these problems are promoting your “obedience” frustration. We’ll explore three groups of solution-options: problems with (a) you and/or your mate, (b) your stepchild/ren, and (c) other people. Except for # 1, the 31 problem-solutions below all assume your true Self (capital "S") is in charge of your other subselves.

Problems With You and/or Your Mate

        1) One or both of you (a) are significantly ruled by a false self, and (b) may have re/married the wrong persons, for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time. Our unremarked American re/divorce epidemic suggests this is true for most stepfamily co-parents. A common symptom is one or both of you feeling overwhelmed by a combination of these “stepchild-discipline” and other stepfamily-relationship problems, and being unable to focus and resolve primary problems like these effectively. See # 11.

Options: Prioritize work on co-parent Project 1 and Project 7, even if you're re/married. Evolve and work a personal wound- recovery plan as needed. Learn from your stepfamily decisions, clarify the purpose of your life, use these wise guidelines, and tend your needs and dreams a day at a time. If your and/or your mate's well-intentioned false selves dominate you, they may promote primary problems like these:

        2) A bioparent ranks their child/ren’s needs higher than their mate’s (i.e. more than their  re/marriage). If so, your primary problems are your (a) inner wounds, (b) re/marital choices, and (c) relationship priorities, not stepchild obedience or discipline!

Options: (a) identify your and your mate’s real recent priorities, and (b) who has been making them - your true Self or other subselves. (c) Use Project 7 to assess whether one or both of you made up to three unwise re/marital choices. Then (d) assess your primary needs, and (e) trust your Self (capital "S") to choose the right course. Another possible primary problem is...

         3) Your false self misperceives neutral feedback about your child discipline as criticism, and your subselves are excessively defensive, guilty, and/or angry at someone.

Options: (a) put your Self in charge, and (b) try empathic listening (“hearing checks”) with each critic to validate what s/he’s trying to express; then (c) dig down to reveal what they (and you) really need, and (d) fill those needs as mutually-respectful teammates.

         Problem 4) You're reacting disrespectfully or harshly to your stepchild (attitude: “ I'm 1-up") because (a) your ruling subselves feel disrespected and ignored too often, and (b) don’t trust your Self to protect them. Your behavior is evoking your partner's instinctive protectiveness and criticism (rescuing), which increases antagonisms, distrusts, and divisive relationship triangles among you all. Restated: your attitude + the way you provide discipline is promoting the problem.

Options: (a) put your Self in charge via Project 1, (b) clarify your and your stepchild's primary needs, (c) work patiently to improve your dig-down, assertion, and listening skills (Project 2), and (d) ask for objective help in learning to (e) assert your needs + limits + consequences respectfully to your stepchild, regardless of her or his behavior.

         5) You and/or your mate deny or minimize your identity as a stepfamily. This promotes (a) unrealistic family-role expectations of yourself, your partner, and/or your stepchild; and/or (b) unresolved role (values and responsibility) conflicts - e.g. "I'm an adult, so my stepchild must respect and obey me." Wrong!

Options: (a) Review or re-commit to Projects 3 and 4, and  (b) use this worksheet together. Then (c) compare how you’re trying to discipline against these basics. If you can find other veteran co-parents, (d) ask for a reality-check on your ideas and practices about disciplining stepchildren the ages of yours. You’re hunting for unrealistic expectations (without blame!) so you can adjust them for better outcomes over time. While you’re at it, (e) reality-check your partner’s stepfamily-role expectations too!  If useful, (f) consider consulting with informed family-life professionals. (g) Accept that some “mistakes” are inevitable as you all learn your alien new roles together!

         Problem 6) You and your mate are arguing about child discipline to (a) generate excitement in a boring relationship or life and/or (b) to avoid facing scary personal or re/marital realities. Implication: some of your personality subselves don't want to resolve these "discipline" disputes, for they serve a vital protective purpose! A symptom is repeatedly trying first-order (superficial) disciplinary changes that don't work.

Options: (a) put your Selves in charge via Project 1, (b) review your true general and re/marital needs honestly, and (c) use "parts work" to identify which subselves are preventing your filling your key needs, and why. (d) Invite your partner to do the same, (e) re/do Project 7 to reassess your re/marital choices, and (e) consider using informed professional