The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/discipline2.htm
This
page continues outlining options for reducing 31 common
primary problems that
underlie most stepparent-stepchild "discipline" conflicts. They fall into
three problem-groups: (a) personal or re/marital, (b) stepchild, and (c)
relatives or other people. This continues problems in the first group:
7) Lack of
confidence:
You've never (step)parented before, and you and/or someone else
aren't sure you can do so competently. Variations: (a) someone significant
implies you're “inexperienced with” (incompetent at) child discipline, and
your false-self’s defensive reactions are blocking your stepparent
role-confidence. (b) Your false self may be over-focused on explaining,
avoiding, and defending rather than acknowledging your inexperience without
shame or guilt, and patiently growing your stepparenting knowledge and
skills.
Options:
-
Work with your
and supporters to evolve clear, meaningful definitions of a
family and
-
Affirm your
right
to be unsure about your complex, alien role;
-
adopt a
long-term
view and the open mind of a student, and identify what you need to
learn
about stepfamilies and
stepparenting.
-
Expect your sense of co-parenting
authority to grow naturally with your increasing knowledge and experience.
-
Use "mistakes" as chances to learn, vs. reasons for
-
Select among the
many current
book titles for co-parents and absorb others’ opinions.
-
Keep your
balance as you learn
and enjoy your sense of humor!
Problem 8) You and/or another co-parent
or
stepchild aren’t aware of doing black-white (two-option) thinking -
e.g. "You're either
part of the problem or part of the solution." This and related
usually signals false-self
Option: try "pastel" thinking –
seeing that there are always more than two realities and options
in any conflict.
That can sound like "Sometimes you seem very fair, and others you don't." The
essential co-parenting skill of
compromise
thrives on pastel
thinking. If the black-white person denies their position or refuses to budge,
s/he’s probably significantly wounded and unaware. See
#1 above.
More
common mate-related primary problems
causing surface stepchild-discipline
problems. Do you need a break?
9) Your mate's
relationship with your stepchild/ren evokes uncomfortable memories of or
associations with your childhood and/or your prior-marriage family. For example,
your ruling subselves are hurt by and resent your mate’s and stepchild’s
closeness and mutual enjoyment, because you never experienced that with your
same-gender parent as a child. This hurt and resentment
is
affecting your (false-self’s) behavior with your mate and/or
stepchild.
Options: (a) work to
your Self
via
Then (b) use meditation, journaling,
and discussion with
trusted, objective others to (c) identify
are upset, and what
they need now. (d) Assess whether they’re
living in the past, and
don’t really accept your current family realities. Use Project-5
good-grief basics
and
and/or
appropriate professional help to
what you didn’t get (lost).
Problem 10) You
(i.e. one of your subselves)
has significant
sexual responses to your stepchild. If so, major guilt, shame, excitement, and
anxiety are hindering your Self from relating appropriately, and providing
effective limits and consequences.
Options: put your Self
via Project
1, and
tailor these options
to fit your situation.
11) You
and/or your partner aren’t using
the seven effective-communication
from
Symptom: you’re
increasingly conflicted by some of these
and you don’t
know how to lastingly
them together.
Options: (a) study these communication
basics, and (b) help each other grow fluent with
the seven skills. Then
(c) teach them to your kids and other family members. (d) Use the
Project-2 guidebook
Satisfactions,
and/or these
worksheets, inventories, and tips.
A
probable related primary problem is…
12) You
mates have one or more unresolved
or
conflicts and relationship
over
co-parenting and child discipline; – e.g. one of you judges the other as "too
soft and lenient" and the other feels "you're too harsh and rigid."
Options: together, apply your
to tailor and follow the suggestions
here and
here - as mutually-respectful teammates vs. opponents.
Another primary
mate-related "discipline" problem may be that…
13) Excessive
about the pain and losses your stepkid/s experienced from their family
breakup and
your remarriage causes one or both of you
mates to un/consciously favor and protect them in family
conflicts. Variation: One or both of you are
noncustodial bioparents, and you're reluctant to discipline your
visiting child in the brief times you're with them. Both of these usually
promote “unfair” discipline, stepchild resentment and defiance, and
stressful triangles and loyalty conflicts.
Options: (a) Clarify the difference between
normal and excessive
("I made a mistake") and shame ("I am a mistake").
(b) Help each other
learn how people manage or use each of these normal
emotions, and (c) work patiently towards reducing and using yours. If you feel your or your
mate’s guilt and/or shame are excessive and aren't subsiding with time, that
may indicate
false-self
and perhaps
Assess for those via
and
and select among their options.
Problem 14) Your stepchild
is getting confusing
from one or more of you co-parents,
can't articulate his or her needs, and her or his “disobedience” is
a protest. A variation is two or more of your adults are stuck in a
power struggle about who’s discipline is “right” or “better,” vs. providing
united-front rules and consequences and resolving
separately. Rigid power struggles usually indicate one or more
co-parents are
ruled by a
(Problem
#1).
Options: as fellow explorers vs. opponents,
use
and
skills
to
your typical child-discipline communication
Look for your stepchild receiving "I'm 1up"
from any
adult, and/or conflicting behavioral limits or consequences – e.g. one of
you adults tolerates chewing food open-mouthed and another doesn’t. The first
is a false-self symptom (#1 above), and
the second is an adult values conflict
(#12 above).
And/or…
15)
One or both of you mates
are not clear yet
on (a) what
effective
child discipline is, and/or (b) what you're trying to accomplish for your
stepchild(ren) and yourselves.
Options: grow your awareness and options by
studying…
-
traits of a high-nurturance family,
-
what your (step)child/ren really
need help with
now,
-
typical
goals of an effective co-parent,
-
effective child-discipline
concepts,
-
a (step)family
, and…
-
co-parent
Discuss these thoroughly with your caregiving
partner/s, and enjoy better child-discipline outcomes!
Another
possible primary problem is – even if your true Self is leading your
16) As a stepparent,
you're trying to
discipline too much, too soon. You and your stepkid/s haven’t had
enough time to
and build enough respect and trust so that the
kids are
willing to accept your authority without resentment. See this real-life
example. A variation is that your values, rules, and
consequences are too different from what your stepchild is used to, and you
haven’t really tried to compromise, or slow down the changes.
Options: After re/wedding,
(a) let your mate
do major limit-setting and consequence-enforcing at first, where practical.
Patiently focus on (b) earning your stepchild/ren's
trust and
respect while
(c) keeping your
intact. Use
or equivalent as a guiding framework
with your other co-parents, evolve a viable stepparent
and assume disciplinary authority gradually. If
doing this isn't practical, have your mate authorize you to set limits and
consequences in their absence (“If Juan asks you to do something, it’s the
same as if I asked you, OK?”) Use
to learn your stepchild’s
reaction to this – e.g. listen for “Yes, but…”
A
related primary problem underlying “stepchild disobedience” conflict may be…
Problem 17) Your partner
unrealistically/unconsciously
expects you to provide effective caregiving, including discipline, that the
child's "other (bio)parent" isn't able
to. This is specially likely if your mate didn't get enough of what s/he
needed as a child from his or her opposite-gender parent. This problem is also
likely when your stepchild's conception wasn't well-planned by both
bioparents.
Options: If your true Selves are present,
(a) use
and
skill
to assess whether this problem
is present. Otherwise, see problem #1. If
this problem is present, refresh your (b) long-term view and (c)
and (d) review
together. (e)
Invite your partner to
the loss of her or his dream, and accept the
reality that you cannot provide what s/he (her false self?) expects from you.
As partners, (f) identify and affirm what caregiving you can and want to provide
for your stepchild/ren, and (g) celebrate that. If you haven’t yet, (h) draft your stepfamily
(i) assess each stepchild's current
and (j) draft
caregiving job descriptions for each of your co-parents
- including your mate’s ex, and perhaps other key relatives.
18) Your
partner needs you to
love or
like and enjoy your stepchild/ren, and you honestly
don't now. Your
stepchild senses this despite any pretenses, and is “disobedient” - i.e. is expressing
his or her hurt, resentment, neediness, and shame.
Options: Denying or faking your feelings
about your stepchild/ren usually indicates
- specially
significant fears and/or distrusts. Faking promotes confusing double messages (#14)
and distrust. These inexorably compound internal, re/marital, and household stresses
over time.
Underlying primary problems may include false-self
(Project 1), ignoring, minimizing, or denying your stepfamily
identity
or
what it
(Project 4); and one or both of your
false selves having made unwise
re/marital
We’ve just reviewed a skeletal menu of 18 (!) possible
primary
“stepchild discipline” problems caused by you and/or your mate.
The good news is: you
probably have under five of them. The bad news is that resolving each
of them requires
considerable courage, patience, time, effort, and willingness to make
(core attitude)
changes. Doing this depends on your committing to hard work on co-parent
as long-term teammates. Ideally your other co-parents and
involved relatives will join you. Your stepchildren are depending on all you
adults to want to do this for them and their descendents, though they
can’t tell you this!
If
you need a break, please take one! When you’re ready to scan 13
more possible primary problems,
resume here. Stay aware: you probably have several of these problems,
but not all
of them! In addition to the personal or re/marital stressors above, you may have
one or more…
B) Wounded
Stepchildren
Again, these possible stressors and solution-options are in outline form…
Problem 19) Your
“disobedient” stepchild hasn't
her or his
enough, and isn’t ready to form genuine
with you, stepsiblings, and/or steprelatives. If so, the child doesn’t know this, and can’t ask you adults for help in grieving.
Options: You partners (a) keep a long-term
view, and (b) work at
together (patiently build a
home and
stepfamily with your other adults). Follow the links or see the
guidebook
Stepfamily Courtship.
|
20) Your
stepchild is unconsciously
testing for personal securities and family status by “disobeying,”
(vs. rejecting) you. This is about instinctual
and
will not respond to logic, appeals, or threats. Your
stepchild probably doesn’t know s/he (her or his false self) is testing, and
can’t describe her primal needs for reassurance that s/he won’t be abandoned
or betrayed again. Some kids' subselves also feel a semi-conscious concern
about the safety of younger or disabled siblings and/or a fragile
(wounded) bioparent.
|
Options: (a) review typical
stepkids' needs; (b) discuss
them as appropriate
with other co-parents, kids, and supporters; and (c) affirm your stepchild's
right to express her or
his primal needs for security and family status ("Where do I fit and rank in this
confusing
(d) Reassure your subselves
that this testing behavior is an unconscious survival reflex, not intentional
disrespect or “disobedience”! Then with your other co-parents (e) assess
specifically what it will take for your stepchild to feel safe and clear
enough. As you act on this, (f) patiently assert your needs for cooperation (vs. “obedience”)
while the child re/tests and grieves major losses.
Reality: the lower the
of your stepchild’s prior and present homes, the higher her or his
are likely to be, and the longer the need to test will last. Moral:
you co-parents co-commit to working patiently at your version of
together! If appropriate, discuss these ideas with your stepchild. S/He
probably can’t explain what she’s doing or why yet, and may feel confused,
guilty, and ashamed about her primal testing behaviors. If s/he’s open to
learning about her valuable
this is a great opportunity to explain
how they operate and why!
Another
possibility:
Problem 21) your stepchild
is (a) overwhelmed with
his or her many developmental and
change-adjustment needs, new
and dynamic feelings. S/He is (b) paralyzed and/or angry about _ her set
of major
and _ having no say or choice in having to adapt to all these
complex, alien life-stressors - with little informed or empathic help and guidance.
Option: you co-parents
(a) assess what each stepchild needs, and (b)
help each other progress at
and
–
merge biofamilies, and build a team to
nurture your child/ren and each other effectively. (c)
Assess each stepchild's status with
his or her unique developmental and adjustment needs, and evolve
to help each other
fill them over time while balancing many other things
22) Your stepchild often feels
disliked,
disrespected, scared of,
ignored by, and/or misunderstood (not
by you;
and doesn’t know how to tell you adults clearly what s/he needs.
Options: Study the stepparent-stepchild
articles
and
here, and tailor solution-options
1) through 11) above to fit your
situation.
We just
reviewed 19 more possible primary problems that may underlie your set of
surface “stepchild discipline” problems. Are you boggled? Why not take a break before
finishing? When you're refocused - recall why you're reading this. Then...
Continue
with the last seven primary "stepchild-discipline" problems and solution-options…
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