The Web address of this page is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/discipline3.htm
This
page concludes outlining options for resolving 31 common primary problems that
underlie most stepparent-stepchild "discipline" conflicts.
They fall into three problem-groups: (a) personal or re/marital, (b)
stepchild, and (c) relatives or other people.
B) Wounded
Stepchildren, continued...
Problem 23) Your stepchild is a
teen, and is
experimenting appropriately with early independence (breaking away), just as
you mates are trying to get your stepfamily to
bond
together.
Your stepteen probably
can’t articulate this, and may be overwhelmed by hormonal, social,
developmental, and
family-adjustment discomforts (# 21
above). If so, "disobedience" and "insolence" is often appropriate groping clumsily for
new boundaries, identity, and independence, rather than arrogance, defiance, or stepparent antagonism or
rejection.
Options:
Help each other become co-parenting experts
on what typical teens need to achieve stable, self-confidant independent living
(remember?).
Refocus from bonding, obedience, and dis/respect to helping your child-adult/s prepare to eventually leave your nest.
Help each other see the teen’s
"rebellion" as appropriate preparation, not personal rejection or disrespect,
and...
Guide him or her on how to assert their needs for independence effectively
– i.e. identify, assert, and enforce yourboundaries
with mutual compassion as you all adjust to your many stepfamily roles and
tasks.
Some
stepfamilies experience…
Problem 24) Your stepchild is only a few
years younger than you (the stepparent). You and s/he feel awkward and confused about
your being a parent vs. a peer/friend - i.e. you and your stepchild (and probably
your mate and other co-parent/s) are not yet clear on your respective stepfamily
roles, rights,
norms, and
implications.
Options:
all of you
affirm that "stepparent" is a family
role (set of responsibilities), not a person. Since
you can't change your ages,
honestly acknowledge your (normal) step-role
confusion without guilt! Also...
acknowledge that as a unique person, you can
offer your stepchild knowledge, wisdom, empathy, encouragement, and
guidance. With your other
co-parents...
identify which of
those needs you feel competent and motivated to help with as a new or veteran stepparent.
Finally...
Discuss
this with your other co-parents and your child/ren, and learn what they
wish and need from you. Based on these talks and your increasing stepfamily
knowledge,
evolve and follow a co-parent
job description
that fits your
situation.
Affirm that regardless of your ages, you have
the right as a
dignified person and a home co-man-ager to respectfully
assert
your needs and
limits with your stepchild (and your mate and other kids), as you all learn the
step-ropes together.
Your stepchild has equal rights as a unique person of
worth and dignity. Consider asking other young stepparents (including via
online chat
groups) what their experiences, feelings, and solutions are. You all have a
lot of company!
The last group of possible primary causes of "discipline" dissension may
be...
C) Problems With an
Ex mate or Relatives
25) Your stepchild's
other (bio)parent
and/or a relative is subtly or openly encouraging or deman-ding that your
stepchild ignore your authority or disobey you. That puts your stepchild
in the middle of a
loyalty conflict, which s/he probably doesn't know what to do with.
Options:
Identify and confront the other
adult/s respectfully and firmly on their actions (not their character!).
Work
to
uncover
the
primary needs underneath their behavior, and
problem-solve
if
possible.
Use these wise
guidelines and free your
stepchild from being caught in the middle of your loyalty conflict. See also
problems 4,7, and
9 above.
Get clear on what you, your partner, and involved kid/s each
really need,
review your adult options together, and plan a respectful joint
assertion
with the other co-parent.
Design the assertion toward building long-term
trust, effective communication, co-parenting team-work, and learning what the
other adult needs; rather than
demanding
they meet your current needs (implied
R-message: “I am/we are
1 up!").
26) Your external critic/s don't accept that you're all in a stepfamily,
or they do, but they don't know (a) step
norms and/or (b) stepkids' many
adjustment
needs, and/or they have unrealistic (biofamily-based)
expectations about (c) stepparenting and
(d) stepchild discipline.
Options: (a) Give your critic/s copies of
this,
this, and
this; and ask them to read and
discuss the articles with you. If they're unwilling, (b) keep your Self
in charge,
(c) use these wise
guidelines , (d)
explore which of your
other subselves
are bothered by the
criticisms, and (e) work to fill their needs.
Problem 27) Your stepchild's other parent
(your partner’s ex) has personal problems that you cannot control -
e.g. they're ruled by a false self
(wounded);
they haven't grieved, or they don't want to
reduce teamwork
barriers
and/or to improve their communication
skills.
These are
in/directly promoting some surface problems with your stepchild discipline.
Options: You and your partner...
Study
Project 1,
and use what you learn to justify an attitude of compassion
(vs. pity) for the sabotaging parent.
Work steadily with your mate to
clarify, assert, and respectfully enforce your personal, remarital, and
household
boundaries
with the
wounded relative, even if they're
disrespectful.
Work to protect your stepchild/ren from being
triangled.
Reaffirm your priorities and mission,
Seek and use effective co-parenting
supports,
and...
Help each other keep a long-range perspective!
28) Your behaviors indicate to your stepchild's other parent
or relative that you
and/or your partner pity, disrespect, reject, discount, exclude, dislike, or
resent them. That fuels the other parent's hurt, resentment, and their need to
compete ("win") and sabotage your authority or credibility.
Options:
The relative
misperceives
your attitude
or intentions, which you probably can't change; or...
You and/or your partner are
un/consciously sending
"Your'e 1-down!"
R(espect) messages to the other
person/s.
Work to
unearth
whatever prevents you from changing that
attitude to "You are a person of dignity and worth with whom I/we have some
(major)
values conflicts."
Needing to scorn, blame, or discount another person usually indicates a
false self is calling the shots…
29) If you're a full-time stepparent and/or your stepchild obviously likes
and enjoys you, the child's other bioparent is insecure and may fear that (a) their child will
learn to prefer you and/or (b) that you're a "better" parent than s/he
is.
This can be amplified if the other parent hasn't dealt with any excessive
guilt and shame
s/he's carrying related to prior family breakup ("failure.")
Options:
Clearly and honestly assess your and your partner's attitudes about the
other parent's fears. If you're
scornful, critical, pitying, or
condescending (1-up), you're part of the problem.
Work to
uncover
and change
what prevents you from seeing the other co-parent as a dignified person with normal (or
exaggerated) doubt and anxiety.
Problem 30) Your stepchild's other parent isn't psychologically divorced from your
partner, (i.e. hasn't grieved and accepted her or his losses), and uses co-parenting (e.g. "discipline") conflicts to stay
connected. This is usually a sign of significant false-self wounds.
Options:
Accept that you can't make the other
bioparent heal or grieve. You and your partner...
Assertively
appeal to the other adult that their behavior is putting their child/ren in
the middle of a stressful
loyalty conflict;
Keep your priorities and
boundaries clear and firm; and...
steadily seek win-win compromises, vs.
lose-lose "victory."
As you do these, seek and use effective co-parenting
supports.
A final
primary cause of common surface "stepchild-discipline" problems
may be…
31) The “difficult” co-parent or relative doesn't yet
accept
that you're all in a
multi-home stepfamily, and needs to
deny or reject
your role, responsibilities, and authority as
a stepparent. This is usually a symptom of significant false-self
dominance, and related reality distortions and blocked grief.
You can't control
or affect these. You can control your responses to them - e.g. you can
(a) keep a steady attitude of empathy and respect as you assert your needs
and limits ("s/he's
wounded and burdened"), or (b) adopt a critical, antagonistic attitude ("s/he's
bad / selfish / sick / ..."). The latter will surely amplify and prolong your conflict, and promote
psychological
wounds
in your minor kids.
get clear
on your stepfamily identity and what it means – i.e. do
Projects 3
and
4.
Then...
respectfully confront your resistant
co-parent together with the reality that their child is, and will continue to
be, directly or indirectly influenced by you as a caring
adult.
Invite them to describe their concerns, and...
listen
respectfully.
That doesn't mean you agree or must comply!
Reassure the co-parent that you're not trying to take over their role or their
status with their child, and that you want to form a co-parenting team (if
true).
Steadily practice empathic listening, if you can see them as a
dignified person.
Offer the "difficult person/s" stepfamily
education, and...
You and your mate keep focused on your primary needs and re/marital
priorities, and...
help each other
balance
the energy you give to this
problem.
Explain values and loyalty conflicts and relationship
triangles to your child/ren to...
Help them assert their needs to their other
co-parent/s.
As you do your version of these options, seek and use effective co-parenting
supports.
Congratulations!
You're done reviewing this long list of 31 solution-options to common causes
of your "stepchild discipline" problems. If you overviewed all
seven related Web pages
on child discipline and hilited key ideas, take a break. Then go back to act
on those ideas one at a time. For each primary problem you identify, try
digging down
to uncover what you
and others involved really need. Then work patiently as co-parenting
teammates to fill those needs.
Recap
Average stepfamilies experience significant confusion and conflict from a
stepmom or stepdad disciplining their resident or visiting minor stepkid/s.
From 29 years'
research, this article outlines 10 common surface (secondary)
problems with "stepchild discipline and obedience", and sketches three
groups of common underlying primary problems with (a) personal (stepparent) and their mate, (b) a wounded
stepchild, and (c) wounded and/or uninformed ex mate/s or relatives.
This
article builds on these
stepparenting, child-discipline, and
co-parenting basics to suggest prac-tical ways
of digging down, identifying, and reducing your mix of primary problems.
Success depends on your keeping...
Can
you recall why you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not,
what do you need? What do you want to do now with the ideas you just
read? Who's answering these
questions - your wise resident
true Self
or
'someone else'?
The Web address of this page is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/discipline3.htm
Recap