This article assumes you're
familiar with these ideas...
-
the general factors
promoting a
family and a healthy
relationship; ...
-
these basic stepfamily
facts and
-
this
introduction to
personality subselves (like yours);
-
the
many stepfamily couples re/divorce legally or psychologically; and the
common
they cause;
-
the
partners can work at together to build a thriving stepfamily, over time;
and...
-
these
questions and answers about
stepparenting and
stepkids.
This article explores ways to adapt when a stepparent and/or stepchild
dislikes the other person.
Other subseries articles offer options for coping with
stepparent-stepchild disinterest, disrespect, hostility, and distrust, and
options for resolving stress over psychological wounds, boundaries, stepteens, adult
stepkids, stepchild discipline, and "loving" each other. All articles
build on these basic
suggestions.
What's the (Surface) Problem?
Typical stepfamilies may struggle with an unpleasant reality: a stepchild
and/or a stepparent may be indifferent or disinterested in (doesn't care
about) the other. Other stepfamilies face are stressed because a stepparent and stepchild
dislike,
disrespect, and/or
distrust each other.
This Solutions
article
suggests options for adapting to significant
disinterest.
Think of someone you care about - i.e. you're genuinely interested
in. Now think
of someone you honestly don't care much about. What does caring
mean? What causes the difference?
As you
know, caring for other people varies. It's present to the extent that you or the other
spontaneously want to know about the current quality of the other person's
life. Another symptom of real caring is wanting to sacrifice some of
your own needs or preferences to grow the other person's comfort and your
mutual relationship.
In families, caring has genetic and ancestral roots. Other caring
has humanitarian and spiritual motivations. Some people care about others from
senses of duty (responsibility), lust, greed, guilt, need, and/or fear.
Sometimes interest in another person is self-serving: "I
care about you and your
welfare because I depend on you for something important (like sex, money,
praise, fun, companionship, distraction, security, ...") Other caring is
self-less: "I'm interested in and concerned for you because of who you are."
Religions, the media, human nature, and (some) experience generate the primal
ideal that "Family members should or must care about
each other." The powerful emotional-physical-spiritual
between most
bioparents and their genetic kids promotes this universal expectation.
Typical
members of new stepfamilies unconsciously apply this biofamily
ideal to their new relationships.
A stepchild, a stepparent, or both
may discover (guiltily) that they really don't like or care about each
other, and/or other step-relatives. They usually didn't grow up
together, and often have had few shared experiences other than "best-behavior" courtship occasions like weekend outings and holiday
gatherings. Some people feel that "the opposite of love
is not hate, it's indifference." Note that
"disinterest" is neutral - it lacks the criticism, resentment, and
repugnance that causes disliking
someone.
What's Your Situation?
Stepfamily
members in situations like these may be specially vulnerable to stressful stepparent-stepchild
disinterest:
Co-parent couples re/marry
or cohabit after
a
(i.e. several-month)
courtship. A common variation occurs when couples court for some
years, but the stepparent and/or stepchild are
blocked in
previous major
(broken bonds);
A stepparent re/marries a noncustodial bioparent. The disinterest-risk is higher if the
stepchild
lives with a geographically-distant custodial bioparent, or the stepchild
is an independent adult with little contact with their bioparent/s;
Teen
stepsons or stepdaughters swirl in the exciting
and terrifying daily maelstrom of hormones,
graduation, jobs, media, and growing independence and responsibilities,
and have little interest in
bonding with a new stepparent they didn't seek and may not want;
Co-parents' courtship
didn't including
significant time for stepkids and new stepparents to
meet each other;
A
childless adult re/marries
into a biofamily valuing and focused on kids' activities and interests. The
adult, specially if middle aged or older, can really not like or want the
commotion and conflict of having minor or grown kids in his or her life. S/He
also may discover new zest and fun in this!
Conversely, most minor kids
don't initially see a new adult as a valuable source of wisdom, guidance,
support, and fun. This is specially so when youngsters have trouble
trusting people because of
early years. Experience may or may
not cause
them to value a new stepparent on their own, aside from other people's
(biofamily-based) expectations;
A
divorced mom or dad who has found Mr. or Ms.
really wonderful naturally
longs for their new partner and their child/ren to like and enjoy
each other. This is specially likely if the bioparent didn't get enough of
those (a) as a child and/or (b) in her or his prior-marriage family. Such a
bioparent
can emit strong subtle or obvious messages to their new partner and kid/s
saying "I expect you to care about (or
love) each other. If you don't (please me), I'll be heartbroken / devastated /
angry / ..." This can
be specially powerful with wounded adults and kids who's
is ruled by a
and...
Healthy
grandparents long for their adult
kids and grandkids to have a safe, close, nurturing home and family,
specially after the trauma of prior
and/or painful times in their own childhoods. So they can subtly or
fiercely desire that their grandkids and new son or
daughter in law (or stepsiblings and relatives) care about or love
each other.
Do any of these
describe your current home or family?
|
The
surface problem here nets out to this: society and typical stepfamily members
often unconsciously hold the biofamily belief that a stepparent
and their stepchild/ren must genuinely (vs. dutifully)
want to care about, like, and love each other. The implication is that if one or both don't,
there's something seriously bad about or wrong with them and their
family. This breeds significant guilt, shame, and anxiety - which
stresses co-parents' re/marriage and lowers their family's
|
When
courtship thrills inevitably subside, new stepfamily members begin
to realize who they have really committed to. The best case is that a
stepparent and stepchild really do grow genuine appreciation and concern for
each other. The reality is that mutual
happens slowly over a some years, shallowly, one-way, or not at all. A
common exception is with stepkids under, say, four years old.
If you
are - or someone you care for is - significantly
troubled by apparent disinterest between a stepparent and stepchild,
what can you or they do to reduce this stressor?
Primary Problems and Resolution Options
The bad
news is that (a) stepchild-stepparent disinterest is real and usually
painful, and that (b) genuine caring can't be demanded or forced.
Do you agree? The
is that aware co-parents
may significantly reduce the primary causes of disinterest, over time. Awareness of what?
Awareness of unawareness
Most
American divorced-family and stepfamily co-parents appear to be
of
childhoods. A common wound is unconscious
One way that distortion manifests is denial, starting with vehemently denying our denials ("I'm not distorting
anything!"). If you're ruled by a
which promotes protective denial, you probably won't
believe you're unaware - because it's scary and can seem shameful!
Real (vs. pseudo) wound-
gradually brings us
awareness of our prior unawareness. Tricky, isn't it?
offers
wounded co-parents an effective way to grow this life-changing inner and outer
over time.
Difficulty Bonding
The second key awareness divorced-family and stepfamily co-parents need
to grow is that some kids and adults
raised in
low-nurturance childhoods are psychologically unable to feel and
with
some or all other people or living things. This is prevalent enough to merit
the psychiatric label "Reactive
Attachment Disorder." Related adult symptoms are "pseudo mutuality" and "pseudo
intimacy," which promote empty, independent, or detached adult
relationships. Another symptom is ex mates showing "little interest" in their
kids, thought that often has
other roots.
Stepfamily Identity
A helpful third awareness is "
a normal
stepfamily, not
just 'a regular (bio)family.'" Typical wounded co-parents are
semi-consciously
of ("uncomfortable
about") admitting they're in a stepfamily to themselves and others
because of the "failure," abnormality, and inferiority that are associated
with this
ancient type of family.
Doing co-parent
together
can empower your stepfamily adults to accept that you adults and kids
form a normal
stepfamily.
Expectations
Awareness of your stepfamily identity enables
you co-parents to learn ~60 common
unrealistic expectations
typical adults and kids have about
stepfamily relationships and roles. Co-parent
can guide you all to replace
toxic myths with realistic
stepfamily knowledge and expectations.
Ideally, courting partners learn this before re/wedding and/or cohabiting. Most
American couples don't, because they're
ruled by reactive
who
Recall - we're reviewing some key co-parent awarenesses that may help to
adapt to (reduce guilt, hurt, and anxiety from) stepparent-stepchild
disinterest.
Loyalty Conflicts and Triangles
Stepfamily awareness also empowers you to learn how to spot and resolve
divisive
and
relationship
The high majority of
"stepparent-stepchild" problems involve the needs, opinions, and roles of at
least one other adult or child. Your children depend on you grownups
to know how to protect them (and you all) from these common stressors. Do you yet?
Roles vs. People
Stepparent and stepchild are
family
not
people. Staying aware of this in conflicts can help everyone avoid the
trap of confusing "You're a bad (ineffective) stepmom / dad / son / daughter,"
with "You're a bad person."
(wounded)
kids and adults, and people who don't know that biofamily role-standards
usually don't fit
are specially likely to do this.
One of ~ 60 differences between typical
intact
biofamilies and stepfamilies is that stepparents and minor or grown stepchildren may not like or
love
each other at first, or ever.
If that happens, no one is wrong
or bad! Do you
accept that now? Watch for thoughts that begin "Yes but..." Do all other members of your stepfamily
accept this? The same reality applies to
stepsibling
and steprelative relationships.
Indifference is a Symptom
Another helpful co-parental awareness is "Our
stepchild-stepparent disinterest situation may really be a mix of
solvable relationship
problems." The concurrent, alien
tasks in
typical new stepfamily can feel overwhelming. Some adults and kids can
protect themselves from overwhelm by local detachment - "I just don't care."
Aware co-parents who patiently evolve and implement an effective
may find that disinterest gradually shifts to some degree of
real caring. They may also find that it doesn't.
Overwhelm
An
important part of this awareness is that
many minor stepkids are overwhelmed
- specially during late courtship and early co-habiting -
by their many
concurrent developmental and family-adjustment
needs. "Acting out" (e.g. "rudeness" and disinterest) and
can be mute
cries for help with this, since few kids can articulate
what they need to reduce their overwhelm. One
symptom can be a diminished ability to care about a nurturing stepparent
and/or stepsiblings.
When adults'
are
teaming up on
can help
them assess, validate, and
reduce kids' overwhelm (and their own), over time.
Blocked Grief
|
A final awareness to cultivate: the "disinterested" stepparent
and/or stepchild may not have
some major
prior
- broken
bonds. All stepfamilies are founded on major losses. When adults' or
kids' grief has been
unintentionally
mourners may not
be able to form new relationship bonds (caring) no matter how appealing,
nurturing, fun, or safe the new person is.
|
Typical
have
trouble moving through the
three levels of healthy
grief. (Can you name them?) My
29 years' clinical
experience is that most American co-parents are
and
don't know it.
Work on
can empower co-parents to
learn grieving basics, and spot and free up blocked mourning in their
homes and multi-home stepfamily if their true Selves steadily guide
their personalities
We just reviewed eight vital awarenesses that can help average stepfamily
kids and adults adapt to (vs. "fix") significant stepparent-stepchild
disinterest, and reduce related problems. Before continuing, pause and
recall why you're reading this article. How do you feel about the ideas
above, so far? What are your busy subselves
Take
a break if you need one. Then continue with a key
requisite for making these awarenesses useful:
effective co-parental communication.
<<
Prior
page / Add to favorites
/ Print page
/ Email this article's address
>>
The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/disinterest.htm