The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/dislike.htm
This
is one of a series of Web articles suggesting solutions for common divorced-family and step-family relationship problems.
This
sub-series focuses on
solving common problems between
Most ideas
and options also apply to single parents and their kids.
This
gives perspective on this nonprofit divorce-prevention site and how to best
use it.
The "/" in "re/marriage" notes that it may be a stepparent's first union.
Clicking any link will open a popup or new browser window - use your
browser's "back" button to return from the latter. These ideas are meant to
augment, not replace, other qualified
Raise your problem-solving success here by reviewing...
-
the general
factors promoting a high-nurturance family and a
healthy
relationship;
-
basic stepfamily
facts and
-
this
introduction to normal
personality subselves (like yours);
-
many stepfamily couples are significantly stressed, and the common
they cause;
-
partners can work at together to build a
high-nurturance stepfamily, over time; and...
-
these
questions and answers about
stepparenting and
stepkids.
This article builds on these ideas
about managing dislike with any family member. It explores ways to adapt when a stepparent and/or stepchild
dislikes the other person.
Other subseries articles explore options for coping with
stepparent-stepchild disinterest, disrespect, hostility, and distrust, and
options for resolving stress over psychological wounds, boundaries, lust,
stepteens, adult stepkids, stepchild discipline, and "loving" each other.
All articles build on these basic
suggestions.
These two pages explore (a) the surface problem, (b) key underlying primary
problems, and (c) co-parent options for adapting to or reducing
stepparent-stepchild dislike.
What's the (Surface) Problem?
Do
you know any biofamily (genetic) relatives that "don't like
each other"? It happens. One-way or mutual dislike happens more often in typical
stepfamilies. A
basic measure of
"liking" someone is whether you spontaneously (vs. dutifully) want
to interact with them or not.
If
you're a stepparent, you love and live with (or hope to live with) a wonderful
single parent. You and your stepchild/ren probably
feel something less than the love between a bioparent and a genetic child. This
unpleasant reality can surface during courtship, or appear gradually or suddenly after re/wedding and
moving in together. Reactions between you and a particular stepchild can
fluctuate among self doubt, guilt, shame, confusion (inner conflict), indifference,
frustration, hurt, resentment, anger, and perhaps aggression. You probably
feel "I want us to like each other" - or "We should like each other"
- but you don't, so far.
A common early reaction to this discomfort is
("Why
no, we get along just fine!"), specially in psychologically-
co-parents
and relatives. The first
(inexperienced) therapist who saw our stepfamily foursome asked me and my
early-teen
stepdaughter if we "loved" each other. We each (avoiding eye
contact) said "Yes." We were both lying, to protect all of us from
the painful truth that we didn't like each other.
This dislike hinders effective child
discipline,
stepfamily bonding, and co-parent teamwork, and promotes stressful relationship
If you and/or your stepchild dislike the other, your mate is
repeatedly forced into
the middle of a
When good-enough compromises don't appear, s/he must choose which of
you loved ones s/he "sides with."
If s/he chooses
(agrees with, supports) neither of you ("You guys work it
out"), everyone is unhappy! This re/marital conflict is probably
the most serious surface problem among several caused by
stepparent-stepchild dislike and related stressors.
|
Dislike - or "bad chemistry" - usually describes a mix of unpleasant
feelings: distrust, disrespect, disapproval, and perhaps hurt, disgust,
annoyance, resentment, anxiety,
frustration, and anger. Would you add any others? If you accept this idea,
then seeking ways to cope with you or your stepchild
disliking the other transforms into seeking ways to reduce each of these
individual feelings.
|
The bad news is that stepparent-stepchild dislike and related problems are very
common. The good news is that there are some practical, impactful things you
can choose to do toward living well-enough with this difficult situation. You
may be startled (or pleased) to read that your problem here isn't having any
options, it's having too many. See if you agree...
Co-parent Options
Premise: co-parents do best of they break complex role and
relationship problems into manageable sub-goals.
Begin by agreeing on your
objective here: you mates want to (a)
what you can't
change, and perhaps grieve
lost dreams; or (b) you want to proactively reduce the dislike that troubles
you all. If you opt for the second goal,...
Reality-check Your Expectations
Your dislike may shift towards more acceptance if you find
you have some misguided stepfamily expectations. To check this out, do
(accept
your stepfamily identity) and
(learn what's normal in
a stepfamily) with your mate. Some relevant
stepfamily myths
(among over 60) are...
1) "We're just a
(bio)family." No, you're a normal multi-home stepfamily, which differs
from a traditional intact biofamily in
over 60 ways! Many bio-norms do not apply, and will cause stress if you seek or expect
them.
2) "I must love
my stepchild/ren." No, you may choose to develop mutual
empathy and respect, over
time. A kind of love may or may not develop, over some years;
3) "My stepchild
must respect me, because I'm an adult and their (co)parent." No,
you
have to earn their respect (a) as a person and (b) in your nurturing role, over time.
4) "My stepchild
must obey me, as a well-meaning, responsible stepparent." Sorry.
S/He may
choose to cooperate with (vs. like) you if s/he...
has completed
three levels of
(including really
accepting that their biofamily will never reunite), and
s/he has finished testing for emotional, physical, and
family-role safety, and s/he...
trusts that each bioparent
and sibling is truly safe enough in this new stepfamily, and if
your stepchild...
has satisfied her or his several
dozen concurrent developmental and
family-adjustment needs well enough; and
s/he...
is free enough of conflictual stepfamily relationship
starting with you and their
his or her other bioparent, and s/he...
is solidly convinced that you know
what you're doing as a home and family co-manager, and that...
you genuinely appreciate,
respect,
and enjoy her or him - specially if there are other kids around, including
your own.
Reread this list out loud s-l-o-w-l-y,
and apply it to you and your stepchild. What do you learn?
Other common unrealistic
stepfamily expectations are...
5) "My mate should
/ ought to / must support me if I have a conflict with her/his
child." Wrong. Typical
stepfamily bioparents
want to support their beloved child and their new mate - which leads to
ambivalence
and inconsistent or irritable behavior.
In my experience as a therapist since 1981, most
bioparents have trouble wanting to put their new partner's needs
before their child/ren's needs - specially if they're (a)
(b) blocked in
grieving their losses, and (c) burdened by excessive divorce-related
And...
You, your stepchild, and
both of their bioparents may have
other unrealistic expectations that are contributing to your dislike
problem; these are the most
common. Check each of your assumed other shoulds / musts / have
to's / need to's / and ought to's one at a time with your
partner - not to blame or defend, but to discover and correct...
Another option is to...
Clarify and Validate Your
Perceptions
The two surface problems here are "I don't like my stepchild" and/or
"s/he doesn't like me."
What you see as "the problem" is probably
isn't. Again:
dislike stands for a group of other concurrent feelings and
conditions. Here are some possibilities for each surface problem:
You Don't Like Your Stepchild
Your real discomforts may be one or more of these...
1) You haven't
solidly accepted (a) your stepfamily
and what it
(b) your stepparent
and/or (c) the reality that you're not
your mate's first lover. You dislike that your
stepchild's existence or presence is a relentless reminder of these uncomfortable
realities; or...
2) You dislike
feeling unsure and incompetent in your alien stepparent role, and your stepchild's presence and behaviors (and perhaps your mate's
behaviors) force you to feel unsure, confused, and incompetent; or...
|
3) Your mate seems often to rank
this stepchild
and you dislike
feeling second best, or less. It's far safer to dislike your
stepchild than your mate, and to feel horrified that you've made a re/marital
Another possibility
is... |
4) If you've never
lived with a child and prize adult quietness and orderliness,
you may
dislike (resent) losing those because of your stepchild's
normal noisiness, selfishness, inconsistency, messiness, forgetfulness, "laziness,"
and so on. You also may dislike that the inexorable reality of stepfamily
living isn't like what you thought it would be! Or could it be that...
5)
You dislike yourself for not really being enthused about sharing
responsibilities for someone else's (troubled?) child - i.e. you dislike
feeling like you've chosen (or feel forced into) an unrewarding, difficult job
(stepparenting) to be with your beloved partner; or...
6)
You dislike
having sexual feelings for your stepchild - i.e.
you dislike your guilt, shame, and
"immoral" excitement. If so, a safe option is to reject the
child, rather than encourage a toxic relationship; or perhaps...
More possible core dislikes underneath your aversion to your stepchild:
7)
You dislike feeling
guilty, sad, and frustrated because you admire and respect this stepchild
more than a child of your own; and/or...
8)
You dislike
being forced to recognize your prior parenting inadequacy with your own child
by the better behavior, traits, and attitudes of your stepchild - i.e. seeing
your mate or their ex caring for their child/ren painfully confronts you with caregiving
mistakes or
you've made in the past.
A variation is disliking that relationship between your stepchild and one or
both bioparents relentlessly confronts you with what you didn't get from
your childhood caregivers;
and/or...
9) You dislike the
disrespectful way your stepchild treats your mate and (b) your mate tolerating that,
despite your objections - i.e. you dislike
losing respect for your mate, not your
stepchild; and/or...
10)
If you're
childless, you may dislike your mate's implied or vocal attitude that
you're
not a real (competent) parent, and that s/he knows better than you how to handle
co-parenting situations with your stepchild - i.e. you may dislike your mate
discounting you and not caring how you feel about that; and/or...
11)
You dislike the physical resemblance your stepchild
bears to your mate's former partner, which constantly reminds you that you're (at least) number two with your mate,
and you can never be his or her "one and only" - and you dislike
feeling petty, selfish, guilty, and/or "wrong" for needing to be "number
one." If true for you, this is probably about unacknowledged wounds +
ignoring or
rejecting your stepfamily identity + and blocked grief - not disliking your
stepchild. Another common stepfamily misperception is...
12)
You
understandably dislike the disrespect, dislike, and/or
indifference
your stepchild seems to feel about you. These may not
be
what your stepchild truly feels: see the next section.
|
There may be more possible primary dislikes you may feel
because of your stepchild's existence and/or behaviors. The key
here is to
what you really dislike, separate it
or them from your stepchild as a person, and work patiently with your mate to
what you can, and to
grieve and
what you can't.
|
You may be surprised at the relief you feel from simply acknowledging these normal
stepfamily dislikes with your stepfamily members - including your stepchild.
Doing this without guilt or shame may
free you to see who your stepchild really is - a
highly burdened, normal, unique young person with needs, gifts, and limits,
struggling to grow and
adjust to too many changes at once - just as you and your partner may
be.
13) If you've considered
these 12 possibilities and still feel "No, that's not what I
dislike...", a final reality may be that you have "bad
chemistry" with your stepchild as a person. You truly don't enjoy or
appreciate their unique features, traits, habits, and conduct. If it weren't
for your mate, you definitely would not choose to have this child in your
life. If so, consider...
The odds that any three random people will each really
like the other two is remote. The odds that
you and your stepchild will like - much less love - each other are
about the same as your scanning mall shoppers and vowing "The first
child I see, I will love, and s/he will love me!" Probably not.
If you honestly don't like your stepchild (or vice versa), you're not bad - you're
human.
Use these timeless
enjoy what you can about your stepfamily
relationships, and work to respect the dignity of your stepchild as a unique
human of worth and potential. Seek patience: time, growth, and shared family
experiences may gradually shift your relationship with them toward "better"
- or they may not.
Continue
with the second of two scenarios here - your
stepchild seems to dislike you...
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Updated
July 26, 2008
