The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/dislike.htm
Continued - The second common surface
problem is...
Your Stepchild Seems to Dislike You
Recall the premise that dislike is a blanket term for disrespect + distrust
+
disinterest + discomfort + anxiety, and perhaps other concurrent
feelings. Reality-check your perceptions here:
the child's dislike
may not really be about you...
16 Common possibilities,
and options for responding to each of them:
1) You're unaware of being
dominated by a
- i.e. personality subselves who need to
reality. One distortion is to translate your stepchild's attitudes
and behaviors as "dislike," when they actually are some combination of the
15 alternatives below. A related distortion is denial: "I am not
ruled by a false self, or misperceiving anything!"
Option: use the resources and steps in
to assess yourself (and other
co-parents) for significant false-self
Reluctance to do this is a
probable sign your true Self is disabled.
2) Your
stepchild dislikes not feeling (a) heard empathically
and/or (b) respected
enough by you.
Options: Assess what adjectives you'd
use to describe your stepchild's personality and actions. If you come up
with words like sick, crazy, lazy, rude, selfish, stupid, hopeless,
rebellious, ignorant, a wimp, liar, cheat, thief, sneak, irresponsible,
ungrateful, unappreciative, a tramp, bum, clown,...
The probably reality is that your
stepchild isn't bad (which is how s/he will interpret your
judgments and behavior), her
are scared + unsure + ashamed + guilty + hurting + confused + angry
+ sad. Restated: your stepchild is probably
needy, overwhelmed, and
controlled by a false self. Notice your inner voices now...
Try
several typical communication
with the child honestly. Assess
with your mate what
you
and your stepchild receive from the other. If your stepchild receives "I'm
1-up" from you verbally and/or non-verbally - your disrespect merits their "dislike." If you want this to change,
shift your attitude
to respecting their dignity as a unique, worthy person. That does not mean you have to accept and
approve of their behavior.
If you try this shift, add
consistent
to (vs. agreeing
with) them. Notice with interest what new behaviors start to appear.
3) Your
stepchild hasn't
major
so s/he
can't tell you this or
with you
yet. This is manifesting as rejection, indifference,
and/or
"dislike."
Option: Do
with your partner: patiently and
gently
your stepchild grieve, and intentionally build a
home and stepfamily together over time. Patience,
and knowing and modeling good-grief
basics, are
major assets! Another possibility is...
4) Your stepchild may dislike
the way you "do" your confusing new stepparent
- not you as a person. S/He may not be able to identify or articulate the difference.
Options: work at these
with
your other co-parents, over time. Use the knowledge you gain to
clarify...
-
what this stepchild
needs from you,
-
what your specific
stepparenting goals and
are, and
-
how you've been
carrying them out - e.g. respectfully,
empathically, consistently, and flexibly, or not.
-
Make it safe for your stepchild to identify what s/he needs
in general,
and any shifts in attitudes, values, and/or behaviors s/he'd
like you to make.
-
Keep the difference between
in mind as you do.
-
Receive such feedback as information,
rather than
criticism, and...
-
decide if you want to
something.
-
Keep your
other co-parents informed of your views and decisions! Also...
-
brace yourself for the likely "irrational" reality that s/he
wants his or her real (bio)family back, and you (i.e. her painful
losses) to "disappear."
5) You may be trying to stepparent (direct, coach, and
discipline) too firmly or rigidly, too
soon - i.e. your stepchild isn't ready for your brand of caregiving.
Variation: your
overwhelmed) mate may be asking or
demanding you to take on too much caregiving responsibility too
soon.
Options:
-
Adopt
a long-range view - e.g. the next five to ten years.
-
Focus
patiently on building trust and
respect with your stepchild, vs.
"parenting," including too much
disciplining.
That doesn't mean you can't set and respectfully enforce limits to
guard your dignity, privacy, and the safety of your stepchild and your
belongings.
-
Become an expert on
what your stepchild needs, and...
-
agree
with your mate on who's best qualified to supply those needs among
your
and other relatives.
Then...
-
evolve and use a
personal stepparenting
based on
these.
Another thing your stepchild may dislike rather than you is...:
6) S/He may feel
guilty and
to her/his
other bioparent if s/he "likes,"
befriends, respects, or obeys you. This is specially likely if your stepchild's
other parent (seems to) (a) resent you, (b) feel competitive with, and less
competent than you, (c) is troubled that you're co-raising their child, and/or
(d) resents that their ex has re/married.
A loyalty conflict
and/or a relationship
can also occur if your stepchild feels expectations or
demands from a sibling or
relative who feels they (the child) "shouldn't" like, respect,
or obey you. Some uninformed counselors and/or friends can
mistakenly counsel a stepchild against "liking" or accepting
you in your stepparent role, for various reasons.
Options:
-
Work at your version of these
with
your other co-parents, over time.
-
Use the knowledge you gain and your
skill to discern
what each of your three or more co-parents
in stabilizing your caregiving roles
-
Assess for loyalty conflicts
and relationship
triangles.
-
Adopt
a "We're a normal multi-home
view, vs. excluding your stepchild's other parent, or passively
accepting their excluding themselves. If you find one or more triangles...
-
evolve a strategy with your partner to use
these
to respectfully confront other family member/s
involved and "unhook."
-
Teach your stepchild(ren) about loyalty conflicts
and triangles, and patiently help them
_ feeling caught in the middle, and
_ what they need,
without excessive guilt or anxiety.
-
Help each other stay focused on
ranking and filling your primary needs (i.e.
on
vs. blaming, attacking, and/or
repressing and withdrawing.
-
If this seems too complex, consider using a
to help.
Another possible thing your stepson or stepdaughter may dislike is...
7) Not trusting you (yet) to...
-
really
and care about their
needs and values,
-
"be fair"
(according to them),
-
treat him or
her with genuine (vs. dutiful or faked)
respect
and interest,
-
flex (compromise),
-
enjoy them, and
distrusting you to...
-
be a genuine (vs. dutiful) friend as well as a
co-parent (do you know the difference?), and to...
- treat their parents, siblings, and friends
empathically and respectfully.
Option: discuss,
tailor, and apply these ideas on
stepchild-stepparent trust-building;
8) Your stepchild may dislike
feeling that you expect him or her to feel or act in ways s/he's
not able or willing to - specially if the ways are different than
"before" (you came). Disliking the confusion and sadness of forced change
is different than disliking the changer...; and/or...
9)
Your stepchild may dislike your invading her or his personal
boundaries,
including her/his room; friendships; clothing and grooming; phone,
study, hygiene, and personal habits; and so on. This is often really a
disrespect
+
problem;
and/or...
10) Your stepchild dislikes feeling
overwhelmed by his or her mix of concurrent
developmental and
family-adjustment needs, and s/he blames
("dislikes") you for
the overwhelm, to avoid anger at and/or disappointment with her bioparents.
And/or...
11) If your partner is
dominated by a
your
stepchild may be getting non/verbal
from her parent/s about how
s/he is expected to relate to you - e.g. "(a) Obey
your stepparent, and (b) always obey and side with me." If
so, your stepchild will probably be confused and
irritated; feel trapped,
and perhaps powerless; and
may feel safest defying or rejecting you.
Even adult
stepkids
may not be able to identify or articulate the mixed messages they
receive, or the feelings they cause. Other related responses
may include "depression," "rebellion," and
"acting out" about school, homework, chores, or
similar surface issues.
Options: work patiently on
and
with your other
co-parents. Assess yourself and your mate for significant wounds, and evolve effective personal
plans as needed.
Options include...
-
Identify
(a) which
are giving
conflicting messages to your stepchild, and (b) what those specific messages
are;
-
You
and
your mate explain what a mixed
(double)
message is to the child, and acknowledge to them without
undue blame or guilt that your mate (or someone) may have unintentionally
given the child such confusing messages;
-
Teach and
model for your stepchild
how to give another person
effective feedback.
then...
-
Encourage your child to
tell you when s/he's getting a mixed message, and agree that
it's your adult responsibility to avoid that; and...
-
Clarify what your partner's true Self
(capital "S") wants
your stepchild to know about relating with you as (a) a
dignified person
and (b) someone learning the difficult role of stepparent without
much informed guidance.
If
your stepchild may be getting mixed messages about accepting and
dis/liking you from
other influential people,
tailor these guidelines to fit, and act on them.
More
possibilities that the dislike you experience from your stepchild is not
about you...
12) If
your stepchild is a mid to late teen,
a normal developmental need is
to assert her or his independence with you and other
adults. If you're (a) insecure as a person and/or in your stepparent role, and
(b) you're new to teens, such behavior may seem like your stepchild doesn't
like you. Just when you want to provide helpful adult guidance
and (new) limits, s/he may feel "I don't need limits, I need
encouragement, affirmation, and freedom!"
Options:
-
Become an expert with your mate on how to provide a safe,
firm base for your teen to launch from, without losing your dignities and
integrities. This is a good time to...
-
learn what typical
stepteens need,
-
find or found a co-parent
support
group, and/or to...
-
exchange stories and advice in a stepparent
chat
group on the Web!
And/or...
13) Your
stepchild may dislike the
conflicts among you co-parents, and/or the family
tension (anxieties, guilts,
hurts, resentments, confusions) in and between her/his homes - not you.
S/He
may also not like the way you seem to treat one or both of her or his
bioparents, and/or
a sibling or other relative.
The child probably doesn't know how to express these
feelings or assert his or her needs respectfully, which can leave
the child frustrated, scared, and angry.
You may be the safest target for their discomforts. And/or...
14)
Your stepchild may dislike feeling demoted from Mom's or Dad's
partner / friend / companion to second rank (or lower) below you
in
If insecure or
wounded, his or her ruling subselves may also
being
abandoned by your mate.
Options:
-
Honestly affirm your stepchild's lost family
role or status without guilt or apology,
-
try not to explain the cause
or benefits of it, and...
-
your stepchild to mourn - which includes feeling and expressing anger
(with limits)!
Reassure yourself that
time is
an ally here: unless the child's bioparent is
(e.g.
your stepchild will eventually trust s/he won't be
ignored or abandoned;
Still another possibility is that your stepchild...
15)
may (a) dislike the way you seem to favor your own child(ren), including
a new "ours" baby,
or
(b) resent the "unfair" or harsh way
you treat another stepchild. This is specially possible if your stepchild
is used to being responsible for and/or obeyed by, a younger sister or brother.
And finally...
16)
Your stepchild genuinely doesn't like
your personal traits, appearance, habits, or values, and/or s/he
dislikes feeling that you really don't like him or her.
Options:
-
Work at safeguard
Projects
and
with your
other co-parents.
-
Work patiently toward mutual
respect
with your stepchild.
-
Non-defensively, clarify what it is that (you or)
your
stepchild dislikes - and...
-
use these
to
stay grounded.
-
Avoid blame, and...
-
Keep your
primary relationship solidly
behind personal
And...
-
Keep your options open,
and a long-term perspective: mutually empathic and respectful
relationships can improve, over time...
The dislikes in this article are common examples.
There may be other things your stepchild dislikes about your unique stepfamily
situation which you perceive as dislike for you
- e.g. s/he may feel that your parents, child, or relatives are cold to
or disapproving of her/him.
Your "stepchild-dislike" problem is
probably a mix of these
two sets of many
real discomforts. If so, you, your partner, and/or your
stepchild may be understandably overwhelmed, confused, frustrated, and/or unfocused.
You may (all) dislike the feeling of dislike.
|
Bottom line: you and/or your stepchild may
genuinely dislike the other, or one or both of you may
dislike some other things about your stepfamily situation, and are mis-labeling that as dislike for the other person. Doing this
will create mixes of
and relationship
and amplify
everyone's discomfort - until you adults learn how to resolve them. |
Recall reading earlier that you may have too many options to react to your
"stepchild - stepparent" problem. Does this make more sense now? Are you
comfortable with discussing this article with your other co-parents and
supporters and acting on appropriate options? If not - what's in the way?
As
you all mull the possibilities here, use
this summary and your
skills to identify
what each of you adults and kids need. Then help each other patiently fill
your needs, with mutual respect. As you do, help each other identify and
separate your mix of role and relationship problems, and focus on reducing
them a few at a time.
For this to work, all your co-parents need to
-
accept what your stepfamily identity means,
-
keep a long-range view (e.g.
10 to 20 years),
-
be consistently guided by your respective
and...
-
want to learn
and use the seven Project-2 communication
Is that happening for
you all?
Recap
In
many multi-home stepfamilies, a stepparent and/or minor or grown
stepchild "dislikes" the other. Closer inspection usually
shows this is a blend of other discomforts like disrespect, disdain,
disinterest, disapproval, anxiety ("worry"), confusion, irritation,
frustration, and even lust.
Whatever the cause, the "dislike" and other relationship factors -
and how you all react to them - can slow or block your stepfamily bonding,
cause stressful
and
and lower self esteems and confidences. Combined,
all these can
add significantly to re/marital stress over time.
An impactful option you mates have is to examine your underlying
expectations
and assumptions about your stepfamily roles and relationships. Other options
include
studying these stepparenting basics
and what typical stepkids need,
and assessing whether your stepchild's needs are being
adequately filled. Another option is to
whether
you and your stepchild are communicating
non/verbally is contributing to someone's "dislike."
This
article
summarizes typical real causes of your and/or your
stepchild's "dislike," and some options
you have for improving each, one at a time.
Try to not be limited
by the specific examples here: notice the themes they illustrate. As
partners,
the surface dislikes to see if there's something
deeper
that needs your respectful, patient attention.
Study and discuss the other common stepparent-stepchild
Their ideas and options may help reduce your "dislikes,"
over time. And consider finding or founding a
co-parent support group as you do all this. Your
stepfamily adults and kids are not alone!
Can
you recall why you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not,
what do you need? What do you want to do now with the ideas you just
read? Who's answering these
questions - your wise resident
or
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