Guilt is the
normal emotion most healthy people have when they feel they've
broken an important
rule - a should (not), ought to,
have to, can not, or must (not). Moderate guilt helps us make
balanced personal and social decisions. Excessive, chronic, and
undeserved guilts and shame are
symptoms of a
dominated by a
well-meaning
feel similar, and are reduced differently.
Typical stepparents and stepkids struggle with
significant guilts as they try to define and stabilize their alien
new family roles and relationship.
Excessive (vs. normal) guilt can cause or amplify other relationship problems, like
divisive
and relationship
It can also hinder the stepfamily
that at least two
co-parents (mates) want. These problems add to many
that most stepfamily members
experience as they
their biofamilies over many years.
In our society, most people don't know stepfamily norms, and mistakenly assume
they're pretty much like average intact biofamilies. This leads to assuming
that common biofamily rules (shoulds, ought-to's, musts, and have-to's)
apply to stepfamily roles and relationships. This promotes significant
guilts in adults and kids, because their stepfamily doesn't behave
like a biofamily. Example: "I should love my stepchild / stepparent -
but I don't!" This dynamic is usually amplified because
relatives and professional supporters also are ignorant and hold unrealistic
expectations about stepfamily roles, rules, and relationships.
|
The bad news is that excessive guilt, laced with confusion, doubt, and shame, is
very common in typical stepkids, their divorced bioparents, and new
stepparents. The good news is if you're a co-parent who's burdened by such
guilt, you can intentionally reduce it over time. You can also help your dependent and
grown stepkids do the same - if they want to.
|
Symptoms of the
Surface Problem
The learnable skill of
reveals that most personal and social
"problems" (unmet needs) have two parts: (a) surface symptoms, and (b)
underlying unmet
Unaware people often focus on the symptoms,
leaving the primary needs unfilled. This applies to reducing
excessive guilts - which are symptoms of several primary problems. Though stepfamily situations vary infinitely,
the theme of excessive stepchild
- stepparent guilts is common. It looks like this:
Phil, divorced non-custodial father of two early-teen girls, remarries
enchanting Janice, the custodial mom of three pre-teens. The merging families
have known each other less than three years. They've just moved into an
"ours" house. Each of these seven people (and the adults' prior
partners) has a complex set of semi-conscious expectations of how they're
"supposed to" feel and act around each other in average and special
occasions. None of these people pay much attention to their stepfamily
and what it
A pattern quickly emerges. When Phil comes home from work, his two older stepkids repeatedly ignore him: no greetings, no eye contact, and grunted
responses to his "Hi!" At the dinner table, the three kids focus on
each other and their Mom. They answer Phil's questions in monosyllables,
grunts, and "I dunno's." They often interrupt him, and are clearly not interested in
him, his opinions, or his day. He works hard to be polite and interested in
them despite this.
Inevitably the topic of household chores comes up. Janice is used to fairly
loose responsibility-sharing, and tends to do her kids' chores for them
"because fighting about it (as an overburdened single mom) usually
isn't worth it." Phil was brought up in a strict home with a lot of
responsibility and a stern father. He has chosen much the same style of discipline
with his girls, and is used to them obeying with minor grumbling. His
stepkids aren't buying this alien co-parenting style.
Janice's kids instinctively
test to see how much power they have,
and who's really in charge of their new household. They test by arguing with Phil ("Mom's never made us make our beds before
school, so why do we have to now?") Another test is agreeing to do some
chores and then "forgetting." Phil is increasingly frustrated and
irritated with this, but keeps that inside because "I'm not a
whiner."
He begins to make snide comments to Janice about her "angels," and
starts to think critically of them and her loose style of discipline. She says
"Come on, Phil - lighten up!" He feels unheard,
disrespected, torn,
and
confused. This stepfather doesn't feel "right" about cracking down on
his wife's kids the way he's used to doing with his biodaughters, so he holds
back and his
go unfilled. When his girls
visit, they complain (accurately) that he's harder on
them than on their stepsiblings. They accuse him resentfully of "playing
favorites." Uncomfortable (guilty, shamed, frustrated, and confused), Phil evades and deflects.
Variations of this scenario are played out in millions of American stepfamily
homes every day. See anything familiar?
Each of the seven adults and kids
have a number of reasons to feel guilty about their part in the
play. They each feel torn and "bad" because they're violating some "normal" inner and social
rules. For instance:
Phil feels guilty because he
believes in rules like these...
-
"I should love and
respect my stepkids like my own, but I really don't."
-
"I must respect my
wife's style of parenting, but sometimes I don't"
-
"I ought to
stand up for what I feel is right
(about chores, discipline, and
respect) but I'm caving in to Janice and her kids to avoid
"unpleasantness."
-
"I shouldn't talk
sarcastically to my wife about her and her kids - but recently, I do."
-
"I've got to
treat all our kids the same, but I'm not - and my girls know it." And...
-
"As the man of the house,
I should know how to handle this mess - but I haven't a clue."
Finally...
-
"I love Janice, and I
chose this situation. I should be happier.
To varying degrees, Phil's stepkids feel
guilty because...
-
"I should be nice
to Phil, because he's trying to be nice - but often, I don't
care;"
-
"Kids are supposed to
obey their parents, but Phil can't tell me what to do because he's not
my Dad;"
-
"I ought to like
my stepsisters, but they are such wimpy little jerks;"
-
"I should be glad
that my Mom is happy about getting married again - but often I'm sad and
mad that she did. I wish Mom and Dad and us were all together
again..."
-
"I should be nicer
to Phil's parents when we go for dinner - but excuse me, they are totally
boring."
Janice feels guilty over a set of past and recent things too. One of
her sharpest, deepest guilts comes from believing "I should never
have married Jack (her former husband) and had kids with him. We've put the
kids
through so much sorrow and loss because we couldn't make it work... I should
have been a better mother." She has a cluster of other guilt-makers
that ebb and flow, too.
All seven kids and adults have been relentlessly taught to believe "I
must
follow the rules (i.e. my shoulds) and do "the right thing," or else I'm a bad person. I
must
try to be a good person all the time."
There are no obvious visible direct symptoms of these guilts in this
stepfamily's daily lives. Phil never heard his parents or male
relatives talk about their guilts, much less work to reduce them.
Implied
rule: "Men don't feel guilt, or (should) never talk about it in
the family." He has no clear goal about what he wants his daughters
and stepkids to
learn about recognizing and acting on excessive guilt.
Janice's Mom
and aunt would each often say "I feel so guilty about..." but
didn't seem to act on it. Implied rule: "Women feel guilty, and must
endure it." Janice is unaware of passing that rule on to her kids. She's
also unaware of the lessons about guilt-management that her former and current
husbands are modeling to their kids.
Typical divorced and/or re/married couples may have
semi-conscious guilts about feeling guilty ("I shouldn't have all
these 'negative' feelings so often. What's wrong with me?")
Bottom line: the elements of the general surface problem here are:
Each member of typical
stepfamilies - specially new ones - has a set of vague or clear expectations
- inner rules - about how they're each supposed to feel, think, and
act toward each other. Most of these rules pertain to intact biofamilies,
and many are inappropriate for stepfamily roles and relationships.
Daily life keeps
creating situations where each adult and child feels they're not
behaving the way they should; so they feel a
semi-conscious tangle of significant guilts, mixed with shame. confusions, and
anxieties;
Unacknowledged and
unresolved, these feelings promote or amplify other family stressors like divisive
and
All these combine to inhibit effective communication, healthy grieving, and
stepfamily bonding - which accumulate and stress re/marriages.
Lastly...
Typical co-parents
don't talk together about these three factors. If they do, they
usually don't know (a) why and how to
for underlying false-self
(b) how to differentiate accurately between
(c) why and how
to
for blocked grief in themselves and the kids, and (d) what to do
about reducing each of these in and between their related co-parental
homes. Result: these
relationship stressors fester and grow... Note that excessive guilts are
just one of a mosaic of common relationship stressors.
Does this make sense to you? Do you identify with these four symptoms? If
so, do you know your options for reducing them? Let's start exploring your
options by learning...
What
Are the Primary Problems?
Like most other stepfamily relationship and role
problems, there's a mix
of primary problems causing this typical "guilt" scenario.
Once you partners get clear on your mix, you can
act together to resolve them effectively.
We're focusing on the guilts that typical stepparents and stepkids feel
about "breaking the
- shoulds, ought to's, have to's, and musts
about how to act
"right" with
each other - e.g. "My stepchild should always (want to) say
'hello' and 'goodbye' to me."
There are at least four common primary causes of excessive guilts in adults
and kids. The main
one is:
1) You, your partner/s, and some or all of your
kids have been psychologically
for years. That means your key relationships and daily lives are often unconsciously dominated by narrow-viewed, well-meaning
Developing a protective false-self is a normal adaptation to
childhood
and trauma like
parental
One of
many false-self
symptoms is feeling excessive shame, guilts, and related
too often, and having
or no ideas why.
| The solution to this begins with you co-parenting partners learning
about (a) family
(b) false-self
and (c) what significant wounds
and then (d) honestly
yourselves
for wounds via the 12
worksheets. If you find significant wound-symptoms,
your other
co-parents, key relatives, and some or all kids are probably often ruled by false selves
too. It's also likely that none of them know this or
what it means, and that they'll resist learning - because it's scary! |
If your mate, someone's
ex mate, relatives or minor or grown kids show behavioral
symptoms of significant false-self
wounds, consider these practical options.
Another primary problem may be...
2) Your co-parents aren't used to (a)
their
current primary needs, (b)
them respectfully,
and
(c)
(vs.
blaming, defending, avoiding, fighting, debating, whining, preaching, and
arguing about) conflicting needs and values as
Solving primary problems
together is a learnable skill!
and its guidebook
outline effective-communication
basics and
that anyone can
learn to use.
Another likely primary source of your stepparent-stepchild guilts is...
3) You,
your partner, and your minor or grown stepkids are
of...
feeling guilty (test: "I
feel guilty because...");
how to
reduce
guilt to normal, once you're aware of it. And you all are probably
unaware of...
the
specific inner rules you've "broken" which
cause your guilt feelings (like Phil's set of rules above).
Options: experiment with journaling, meditation, and possibly qualified
objective counseling to identify the rules; and...
your
as a normal
stepfamily, and what that identity
about your relationships. (Option: do
together, and teach your kids).
And you're probably unaware of...
what's
normal in typical stepfamilies - i.e. how the rules governing your
stepparent-stepchild relationships differ in key ways from those in
typical intact biofamilies. (Option: do
together, and teach your kids and key supporters); and...
what
other personal, role, and relationship problems your excessive guilts are promoting, like
shame, anxiety, distrust, resentment, hurt, withdrawals, and angers.
Option: raise your awareness by studying and discussing relevant
Solutions articles with your co-parenting partners, over time...
And you partners may also be unaware of...
which of your
personality
(a) create your shoulds and musts,
(b) judge that you've "broken" or violated these rules (usually a
tireless
and/or
(c)
your guilty feelings and thoughts; and
you may not know (d) why
they do so; and you're probably unaware of...
the
seven communication
you can learn, use, and
teach your kids, to help you all permanently reduce any inner and
interpersonal stressor in and among you - including excessive guilts.
Option: you co-parents work at
and teach your kids
communication basics, skills, and tips; and finally, you co-parents are probably unaware of...
how to spot and
neutralize divisive stepfamily
and relationship
Option: follow the links!
The final primary problem underlying excessive stepparent - stepchild
guilts may be that...
4) You and your
partner are unclear about, and/or disagree over, who's responsible for
helping your stepkids reduce their
excessive or unwarranted guilts about their role (how to behave with you). This is often part of
stepfamily co-parents'
general confusion and conflict
over child-raising
styles,
goals,
and
Options:
(a) you and your partner work patiently on
and
together over time, and (b) invite your other co-parenting partners to join
you as caregiving teammates. Consider including interested relatives
and relevant
in this work!
Pause and reflect - is this what you expected when you began reading this
article? What are your subselves
now? If it's
something like "...too hard!", "too scary!",
"too confusing!", "... psychobabble!", or "...no way!" - your
is trying hard to
(a) protect you from
imaginary dangers, and (b) avoid scary changes.
If your
is
your personality, your self-talk is apt to be something
like "These ideas and suggestions may apply to me and us. I should
make time to follow these many links and read more; then reflect on these new
ideas before I decide what to do."
So if these are the core problems, what are your
options?
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The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/guilt.htm