The Web address of this page is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/hostility2.htm
More options if your stepchild is significantly hostile
toward you...
4) Your stepchild
his or her
from a
childhood + biofamily breakup + "absent-parent
family" breakup + stepfamily formation. One aspect of this common
situation is that the child, against all logic, evidence, and declarations,
longs to have their biofamily magically reunite. Hostility with a stepparent
may somehow drive her/him away," clearing the way for this
reunion fantasy to manifest.
Kids who hold such longing may be unconscious of it, and will earnestly deny
it, if asked. Others will deny out of guilt and shame.
Some grown
stepkids can block accepting the finality of their parents' divorce, and
have "irrational" versions of this fantasy - even into middle age.
Odds of this rise if one divorced parent also longs for reunion, and subtly
enlists their child's help in dreaming about and/or promoting it - e.g.
by sabotaging the new re/marriage.
Solution theme: co-parents do
together, then
compassionately help your stepchild start or resume grieving. :
the anger fueling of apparent hostility can really be the rage-phase of
normal grieving.
5) Your stepchild doesn't feel safe enough from
ridicule and rejection, or from "losing it" (emotional control) to vent their feelings ("I am so angry
that you and Mom got divorced! Why couldn't you...");
Solution theme: Co-parents
and kids, honestly
discuss your past and present un/spoken
about feeling and expressing strong emotions - specially anger
- with other family members. These rules have probably been inherited, and
rarely or never identified and evaluated clearly and consensually.
If useful, create and model new rules - specially about expressing hurt, resentment, fear, anger, and guilt directly and respectfully. Do
you
adults accept responsibility for making it safe enough for kids (and
each other) to feel and express
emotions in your presences?
Also:
check each of your
co-parent's attitudes, starting with yours, about some emotions being
"negative." That
belief promotes harmful semi-conscious judgments that people who feel or express
"negative emotions," including yourself, are wrong and bad.
Help each other replace that old thinking with acceptance that each human
emotion is an evolution-based protection against some danger, and is therefore
normal, healthy, and (potentially) helpful (!) Distinguish between respectful vs. disrespectful
public expression of key emotions, and work to evolve consistent rules
about that in your home and family.
Help each other refresh non-critical awareness of how denied false-self
promote emotional explosions or numbing in adults and kids (!) Assess and
heal any significant wounds among you, over time (
).
6) Your stepchild
can't yet identify, separate, and
his/her key family- relationship needs clearly.
Perspective: can you do this well enough? My experience is that
most
co-parents haven't focused on learning to
and assert their
relationship needs effectively. When adults can't do that, how can their kids learn to?
Solution theme: The first
of two related options is to raise your
shared
: co-parent partners
read, discuss, and evaluate...
-
factors that
promote high family nurturance;
-
core elements of a healthy
relationship;
-
the complex set of concurrent adjustment
needs typical stepkids must fill;
-
the basic
social
each of us
adults and kids try and fill, every day; and...
-
the way people
in relationship unconsciously
their
respective current needs - or don't.
These will raise your appreciation of what you and your stepchild
need to grow and keep personal, household, and family relationship harmony.
Once you've done this thoroughly and honestly, review what you think your
"hostile" (read hurt, anxious, guilty, and needy) stepchild lacks.
Reality-check your conclusions with the child, others who know her/him
(including his/her other bioparent), and perhaps
. Again -
help each other see "hostility" as an
unconscious appeal for help, and steadily avoid the trap of blaming,
losing your true Self, and responding with counter-hostility!
Secondly, co-parent partners (a) do
together (learn seven
(b) practice them consistently and patiently with your stepchild;
and (c) teach the child how to
and
what
s/he
needs respectfully.
Acknowledge that this is a long-term
project, and help each other to stay focused and work patiently toward your
common distant goal - filling your and your stepchild's unfilled
stepfamily relationship needs.
A final underlying factor that may be fueling your stepchild's hostility is
that...
7) S/He
feels
and
a
wants to hurt back -
i.e. "get revenge" ("see how it feels?!") This is
an unconscious attempt to (a) feel impactful, vs. helpless and
vulnerable, and to (b) protect against future repeats of the pain, when there
seem to be no better options.
A residential or part-time stepdad(mom) is often instinctively (vs. consciously) the safest revenge-target
around. Bonds are weakest with them, rejection by them is least painful, and
social consequences are usually mildest. A seductive bonus is if the stepmom
or stepdad goes away, the fantasy that the stepchild's biofamily will reunite
becomes more credible again - see 4 above.
Solution
theme: The first
step is to empathically validate your stepchild's rights
to feel hurt, to vent, and to protect against future hurts, as dignified human
being.
Next, co-parents help each other stay
of
the household and stepfamily communication process. Do this to avoid feeling
guilty about causing or contributing to the child's emotional pain or
discomfort, and getting caught up in defensive explanations, avoidances,
counterattacks, over-focusing on the past, or lose-lose power struggles.
A more long-term effective alternative is to join in win-win
- including the options of
apologizing sincerely for past hurts, and real self and mutual forgivenesses.
A third powerful option co-parent partners have is working intentionally to
build emotional safety for your stepchild to feel and express
his/her hurts, angers, resentments - and current needs (6 above). A
specially helpful skill to build is self-awareness, and keeping your
in charge of your
when
your stepchild's protective
needs
to express hostility.
If your Self is in solidly in charge, you're far more likely to be able to
respond to hostility with genuinely
(mutually respectful) ,
and respectful
-assertions and
We've just reviewed seven possible primary (vs. surface) causes of a minor
or grown stepchild's excessive hostility to their stepfather and/or
stepmother. Notice how the glass-half-full view feels: you have seven
opportunities to improve your relationship, over time.
The alternative is to see all these possible problems as
"impossible," "too much," and/or "too
complicated" - and feel overwhelmed, hopeless, and paralyzed. Another
option is to say "We probably could make progress on some of these -
let's start next week / next month / "sometime soon"... These are
symptoms of false-self dominance.
Options to Reduce
Stepparent Hostility
What if you're already into a depleting hostility <-> counter-hostility
relationship spiral? One sign is feeling frequent gusts of anger or
rage at your stepchild whether s/he's present or not. These may be
cyclically followed by remorse and guilt, or righteous internal
self-justification festivals. Both indicate probable false-self dominance of
your inner family (personality).
Other signs of stepparent hostility are feeling "zero tolerance" for
the child's presence or behavior, and/or avoiding contact and
communication with them - and possibly denying either behavior pattern.
Another symptom is frequent unresolved arguments with one or both of your
stepchild's parents about their child's general behavior, or their disrespect
of you and/or your mate.
|
: strong emotional reactions to a live-in or
visiting stepchild can be an unconscious way
of avoiding a serious personal or
|
Such protective avoidances always indicate..
one or both partners are
unrecovering
unaware
of being controlled by a
protecting against overwhelming fears and shame; and...
the re/married
partners don't know - or aren't effectively using - effective
A related high
probability is that there are...
one or more unidentified relationship
operating, with associated divisive
Focusing compulsively on just the stepchild's behavior can be a
protective smokescreen. S/He may be unconsciously playing along
- being hostile despite painful results - to protect against this family's
breaking up too. To see if this protective
is
happening in your family now, hiring an objective
who's skilled at sorting out and helping to resolve stepfamily conflicts +
reduce false-self
+ communication
+ re/marital conflicts ("couples' work") can be a high-return
investment. Finding these skills in one accessible, affordable professional
can be a challenge. So is re/divorce!
If you have a stepparent in your home or family who's hostility is
triggered "too much" by a stepchild, read about reducing hostility
between divorced parents for more perspective.
Recap
Despite our Disneyland dreams, typical stepparents and minor and grown
stepkids often dislike, distrust,
disrespect, or feel indifferent
or hostile to each other - initially, or over time. Hostility is a
rancid mix of hurt, resentment, disapproval, anger, which may cause harmful
aggression. Hostility between a stepchild's divorced
bioparents can model and encourage this mix in the child.
Whether stepchild - stepparent hostility is one way or mutual, the
stepparent's mate is caught in the middle of a stressful lose-lose loyalty
conflict. All three people often create a related [persecutor - victim -
rescuer] relationship triangle. The mix of
these dynamics can significantly hinder the re/marital solidarity and
stepfamily harmony and bonding that at least the new mates want.
This Solutions page explores seven possible factors promoting a
stepchild's hostility toward their stepmom or stepdad, and gives suggestions
for resolving each of them. The last section focuses on acknowledging and
intentionally muting the stepparent's hostility for their stepdaughter or
stepson.
Co-parents honestly acknowledging such hostility and working together to heal
the underlying wounds and unfilled needs, can bring out the best in everyone,
long term. Relationship improvement is possible!
Co-parents ruled by false selves will often deny, distort, or put off, the challenge of this work,
and/or unconsciously fall into escalating blame / counter-blame cycles
that weaken their wholistic healths and stepfamily relationships. Honestly tackled,
is a
powerful defense against that happening.
Co-parent education
and
grow many productive
options!
+ + +
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