This article hilights (a) the surface "instant-love" problem common in
many stepfamilies, (b) probable primary causes of this problem, and (c) options
for reducing these causes over time. Before continuing,
say out loud why you're reading this
article. What do you need?
This article assumes you're familiar with these ideas...
What's the (Surface) Problem?
Typical stepfamilies differ from
intact biofamilies in over
60 ways. Typical
co-parents and stepchildren aren't aware of these differences. They long for
their stepfamily to feel and act "normal" - i.e. like an ideal-ized
biofamily. Among dozens of
myths
(unrealistic expectations) this unawareness causes, one of the most
stressful is "stepparents and stepkids should love each other (like
bioparents and their children)." Similar myths are stepsiblings, and
stepkids and stepgrandparents, should love each other.
After re/marriage and/or co-habiting, an implacable reality usually emerges:
stepparents and stepkids real feelings for each other range from
dislike to
indifference to friendship (liking) - but rarely become (bio-family) love.
When stepfamily adults and kids feel they're "supposed to" love each other
and they don't, they can feel blame, self-doubt, guilt, anxiety,
confusion, resentment, and hurt.
If co-parents and kids (a) don't know how to
discuss this problem openly, and/or (b) feel unsafe doing so, these normal
feelings promote dishonesty (pretense) and
- like saying or writing "I
love you" when you really don't.
This myth can cause re/marital problems,
if a bioparent expects their new mate to love their step-child/ren and
feel and act like a bioparent. The reverse problem occurs when a stepparent
criticizes their partner for not urging their resident or visiting stepchild child to love them. Both of these cause stressful relationship
and
This surface problem is common, despite most stepfamily
writings and programs alerting co-parents and supporters to not expect "instant love." As
we'll see, the expectation is a symptom of some deeper problems. If the
"instant love" myth is causing significant problems in your
stepfamily, what are the
underlying causes, and what options do you co-parents have to resolve them?
What's Really
Going On?
In my 27-year clinical experience, when stepfamily members are conflicted over adult/child
"love" issues, typical adults are unaware of
most or all of these 11 primary problems:
1)
One or more
co-parents (like you?) bear significant false-self
and they (a)
or (b) don't know what to do about it. This is a common root of most
significant stepfamily role and relationship problems, and the
justification for co-parent
A tragic
minority of
of early-childhood
and
suffer from
being unable to genuinely
with (care
about) some or all other people - including
Such tormented,
lonely adults and kids often feel desperate to find idealized
biofamily love and security.
|
To make this more vivid, try this reality check: (a) identify the adult you
love the most in life (non-sexually). (b) Breathe well, recall being with
them, and experience the love you feel. Then (c) get undistracted,
gaze steadily into your eyes in a mirror, and see if you feel the same
loving feelings for that person. Notice how your subselves
to this idea now... |
Another widespread core problem is...
2) One or more
co-parents are denying
or ignoring their
as a normal multi-home stepfamily, and they don't (want to) know
what that identity
One result: They mistakenly expect their
and relationships to feel and act like
those in an intact biofamily.
They may c/overtly deny their
or minimize it
("OK, so we're a stepfamily - so what?"). This denial and ignorance
breeds many problems, not just the stepparent-stepchild "love" myth. In this
site, co-parent
provides options for
correcting this core problem.
3) Even if key stepfamily adults intellectually agree "We are a stepfamily,"
one or more may not know what's normal in a typical stepfamily
- i.e. they're still applying biofamily norms and expectations to their
alien new roles
and relationships, and they don't know that.
A
solution to this is co-parenting partners agreeing to review and discuss
these common myths and realities
and adjust your expectations of yourselves and each other where needed.
One vital adjustment is to accept that
"Stepparents and stepkids
should work toward earning mutual
respect and
trust,
over time, not love. Genuine bonding (caring), liking, and a
special kind
of adult-child love may or may not develop over years of shared
experiences. If it doesn't, no one is wrong or "bad"!
Follow-up tasks are to
help all other stepfamily adults and kids (a) accept your identity as a
normal multi-home stepfamily and what that means, and then (b)
the inevitable
these acceptances cause over time
(e.g. "We'll never feel like the ideal biofamily I've longed for"). Co-parent
and
offer perspectives,
guidelines, and resources to help gain these acceptances and grieve losses
well.
If
your co-parents, kids, and relatives
truly accept your stepfamily identity and norms
and still have significant stress
over stepchild - stepparent "love," several other core problems
may need to be resolved. A common one is that...
4) the stepchild,
the stepparent, or both are early or stuck in
their major
family-adjustment
Typical stepfamily adults and kids
each need to make major progress identifying and grieving their significant
losses from childhood + parent death or divorce, and their family reorganizing
(splitting into several homes) + parental re/marriage and cohabiting
before they can form stable new bonds with steprel-atives. False-self wounds
+ ignorance of stepfamily
and "good-grief"
basics promote slow or frozen
mourning.
suggests practical ways co-parents can
evolve a
home and stepfamily.
5)
You co-parents
aren't communicating
Symptoms are that
you adults can't agree
that (a) there is a
significant problem, (b) what it is, (c) why it exists; (d) who's responsible
to improve it and/or (e) how to improve it. Another
symptom is that you (f) can't discuss these topics without fighting,
withdraw-ing, or losing focus.
Specifically, your co-parents don't
know
effective-communication basics and
and
how to help each other reduce their mix of these common communication
blocks. For example,
can you describe
and
conflicts and associated
relationship
and what to do about
each of them?
The solution here is for your co-parents to...
-
admit this root problem
without blame or guilt, and...
-
commit to patient work at
together: learning
to use the seven communication
skills that empower effective
family win-win
As you do,
-
model and teach these
basics and skills to all kids and interested relatives and supporters.
If
you have trouble committing to this vital work, false-self
+
+ barriers like
may be hindering you
all.
6) Another root problem here may be that
one or more of your stepfamily
adults can't define or agree on bioparent-child love, and
liking (caring about), acceptance, and
respect among people in related stepfamily
If true, you all
risk thinking and saying "We steppeople should love each other,"
instead of "We should help each other respect,
understand, and
each other."
The skills of
and
and evolving a
family glossary like this, can help to
minimize terminology problems. Resolving such problems is most likely when
all your family adults (a) are
by their true
(b) share genuine
attitudes of mutual
and (c) want to improve their
Project-2 skills.
Another
possible primary problem promoting your stepchild-stepparent "love problem" is...
7) Someone's
time-sense is distorted (unrealistic). For various reasons, adults
or kids may
feel "We've all been together in this home or family long enough,
so you/we should love each other by now." Reflect on this:
how long does it take for genuine adult-child love to bloom? How
long to grow true, stable respect between two people?
Most stepfamily researchers
observe that it usually takes four or more years
after re/marriage for typical stepfamily members to know, accept, and trust each
other. That may or may not include respect and liking.
Learning and accepting this time span is part of adopting realistic stepfamily
expectations -
# 3 above. If someone in your home or
stepfamily is exceptionally
(needy) for
stepparent-stepchild "love," see # 1 above.
8) A common core problem here is that - on top of some of the factors above,
some combination of disrespect +
dislike
+ distrust +
disinterest
+ hostility +
may exist
in and between the stepparent and
stepchild. Each of these deserves individual attention and patient problem-solving by co-parent partners.
When they're all resolved enough for
all people, some degree of love may evolve. Option: try nonjudgmentally
recent communication sequences between the stepparent and stepchild to evaluate
the
that each is
probably decoding from the other. Do this to discover and improve, not to
blame!
9) It may be that a stepchild
feels victimized in an impossible
because their
(inse-cure, wounded) bioparent is threatened by their child showing
affection and respect for their stepparent. Their bioMom or Dad may be giving the
child c/overt signals saying "It is not OK with me that you feel or
show affection and respect (much less love) for your stepparent."
Co-parenting mates probably cannot ease the other bioparent's
insecurities (wounds and ignorance), and they can
assert that by discouraging the child's
feelings, the insecure bioparent is lowering their stepfamily's
hindering healthy
bonding, and (unintentionally)
their child.
If
the insecure adult is too wounded
to listen, (a) see if any options here are useful, (b) reassure the child as
best you can and (c) lower any expectations of her or him "being
affectionate" (vs. "loving"), and (d) remind each other to use
regularly.
10) In typical new
stepfamilies, several or all adults and kids are confused and conflicted
about their
and behavioral rules
- they haven't agreed yet on what to expect from themselves and each other.
Many co-parents can't name or
describe the normal and special
needs of their minor
kids - and/or what an
co-parent is.
This justifies co-parent
and
- (a) evolving a
stepfamily
(b) learning minor
kids' needs, and (c)
assessing their status with them, and
then (d) evolving clear, consensual agreements on what each co-parent is
Have your co-parents
and supporters done this yet?
An
overarching root of your stepparent-stepchild "love problem" (and many
others) may be that...
11) Because of unseen
+
+ blocked
+
one or both of you mates may have chosen the wrong
to commit to, at the
wrong
for the wrong
One version
of this is that a partner committed to co-creating or joining a stepfamily
despite...
-
having major "bad chemistry" (dislike +
disrespect + distrust + hostility) with one or more stepkids, and/or...
-
not
_ understanding, _ wanting, or _ being ready to assume the alien,
challenging role of stepmo-ther or stepfather among many stressors and
complex biofamily-
tasks.
exist to help
courting partners make three informed, wise co-commitment decisions.
If you're already re/married, these projects can help you understand your
situation better - but that probably won't correct making any wrong
decisions.
We've just overviewed 11 possible
primary problems that can promote "love"
conflicts in and about stepchild/ren and
their stepparent/s. These apply to relations among adult and minor
stepkids, and steprelatives. Usually (a) several of these factors
are present, (b) reinforcing each other until they're reduced, and (c) causing
several to many other stressors at the same time reasons. |
Options
To reduce these primary problems, co-parents need to...
be guided steadily by
their respective
true Selves
and
be clear and unified on their personal and family
be clear and agreed
on
for improving these
underlying primary problems. Beware of (over)focusing on a child
"acting out" as the main problem. That behavior is usu-ally a
symptom
of a stew of underlying problems in and between the
related co-parents;
be able to admit
that (a) they're each part of these concurrent problems, without
excessive guilt, shame, and defensiveness; and that (b) "fixing" the
problems will involve them (the co-parents) changing in important ways, as well as other
stepfamily members;
And for eventual stability and success, co-parent mates also need to...
each be
motivated to work consistently as
vs. opponents,
on
the several
(safeguards) linked
above, because they want to, rather than because they have to. Like
true priorities, motivation is more accurately reflected by recent actions
rather then words. And co-parents need to...
adopt
and keep a 15-20 year outlook, and help each other maintain matching patience. Sort
and prioritize
stepfamily relationship goals and concurrent problems, focus on resolving a few at a time, and keep
along the way.
All this is happening in a
dynamic world that keeps changing in, between, and around you.
Doing all these things together and
enjoying the process often enough is part of what it
to "build a stepfami-ly together."
We've just covered a lot, so take a breather! Recall why you read this article. Did you get what you needed? Notice
your
now. For more perspective and options, browse
these q&a,
resource,
and other Solutions
articles.
Recap
A common stressful misconception that
typical stepfamily members and supporters carry is that stepparents and
stepkids (and maybe step-siblings) are supposed to "love" each other soon
after co-parents' re/marry, or "eventually."
This
often never happens - as fast as members expect, or at all.
This "lack of love" usually fosters one or more stepfamily members feeling significantly
blamed, confused, guilty, ashamed, self-doubtful, hurt, and angry.
As with most stepfamily role and relationship conflicts, discomforts over stepparent
- stepchild love are usually caused by a mix of
+
unrealistic
expectations + unacknowledged psychological
communications.
With steady commitment to building high-nurturance stepfamily
relationships, co-parent partners can
overcome each of these
The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/love.htm