|
|
|
of
-
Build a co-parenting team to nurture all of you |
|
Reduce Stepparent-Stepchild
Sexual Tensions
Resolve Four Primary Problems
Together
-
p. 2
of 2
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
Member
NSRC Experts Council |
 The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/lust.htm
Continued...
The next thing to investigate in resolving stepparent-stepchild sexual
stress
is...
2)
Co-parent Unawareness of
Stepfamily Realities
and/or
adults often avoid
acknowledging privately or publicly that they're a stepfamily because
of "negative" associations and shame (e.g. we're second best, abnormal, unnatural...).
Other co-parents do acknowledge their stepfamily identity, but they don't
understand or agree on what that identity
to them and
their kids. Both of these promote co-parents, relatives, and
supporters having unrealistic or harmful
expectations about complex, alien stepfamily
and relationships -
and not knowing it.
Co-parents who
expect their stepfamily to feel and act like an intact ("traditional")
biofamily risk...
-
not knowing
or accepting that
the incest taboo is naturally weaker in average stepfamilies,
and...
-
over-reacting (scorn, blame, rejection, repugnance) to sexual attraction
between stepparents and stepkids (or
stepsiblings), and...
-
focusing on
the morality of such attraction ("sinful, perverted,
disgusting"), rather than assessing and improving how their family members are
reacting to the
attraction (blame, guilt, arguing or avoiding, punishing,
manipulating,...)
These promote webs of stressful
and relationship
Unless co-parents
know how to manage these dynamics, they will
significantly lower the family's
encourage the toxic
wounding
and stress re/marriages.
An effective
solution to this (widespread) primary problem is co-parents...
-
recognizing
that "sexual tension" is a
symptom of several
-
overcoming any resistance to admitting they're a
and...
-
investing time and effort in
and
-
ideally during courtship.
To
explore whether your co-parents accept your stepfamily identity, overview
Projects 3 and 4, and then fill out and discuss this
worksheet together.
Then conduct a "myth
hunt," and check your expectations. Reluctance to do
this suggests a
dominates someone's
personality... yours?
Another primary problem that can promote significant sexual tension between a stepchild and
their stepparent is...
3)
Co-parental Ignorance
My experience with over 1,000 typical (Midwestern US) divorced and stepfamily
adults since 1981 suggests that average co-parents (like you) don't know
what they need to know about...
Typical co-parents are in their mid-thirties or older. Most feel they're
mature veterans at primary (and other) relationships, co-parenting, and
communicating - so they don't need to learn more about these.
Without education, co--parents (and
many human-service professionals) don't know what they don't know
- and
how that
ignorance (lack of information) affects their family relationships and
In the context of this article,
the
most important of these four adult ignorances is how to identify, discuss,
and problem-solve (communicate about) these primary problems.
Specifically, all family co-parents need to learn how to help each other...
-
keep
their true Selves
of their
respective personalities (problem
1);
-
openly acknowledge without
that some family
member/s "have a problem" with (perceived) sexual behavior between a
stepchild and stepparent;
-
separate the problem symptoms
(surface needs) from the unmet
causing them;
-
who's primary
needs aren't being met, why,
and how this
is affecting other family members (e.g. confusion, hurt, frustration,
shame, guilt, anxiety, blame, ...);
-
separate this problem from many other
concurrent problems, and focus on it until all co-parents and kids
involved feel satisfied enough;
-
assess whether the people involved have
unrealistic expectations and judgments (e.g. family adults and kids
shouldn't feel sexual about each other; and if they do, they are
"wrong" or "bad");
...and typical co-parents also need to learn how to...
-
whether the
people involved lack necessary knowledge in the four topics above, and
correct any they find;
-
assess whether co-parents are
using common communication
blocks in trying to achieve these goals; and if so, help each
other learn how to change that using the seven communication
from
-
resolve major
and
conflicts, and
associated relationship
as
co-parenting teammates with common goals;
-
respectfully (a) set and (b) enforce
appropriate sexual-behavior
in and between
the stepchild's two homes; and co-parents can help each other learn how
to...
-
discriminate between qualified lay and
professional advice on this problem, and ignorant or harmful advice.
-
Co-parents
may need to factually assess whether the stepchild, stepparent, and/or a
reactive family member may have been sexually traumatized (e.g.
as a child. A
common symptom of this is the child or adult being significantly
over-focused on or reactive to some aspect of sexuality (clothing,
language, behavior, motivation, pictures, songs...) in themselves and
others. This assessment is complex, and usually
merits
professional
help.
|
Pause, breathe, and notice your thoughts and feelings. Are you
daunted and overwhelmed by all these ideas? Reality:
stepfamily dysfunction is complex. The good
news: dedicated co-parents can team up to handle each of these
problems and ignorances one at a time, over time!.
|
An effective general solution to these ignorances is for co-parents
to...
stabilize the situation by
agreeing on,
and enforcing -
appropriate behavioral boundaries in and between their related homes - e.g.
"Jim (stepfather) will not expect or demand that (stepdaughter) Judy kiss
him hello, goodbye, or goodnight, or ask her for massages or frequent hugs."
Then...
commit to working patiently at
and
as
teammates, not adversaries.
Progress at these will require co-parents to honestly admit and proactively
reduce any significant
to cooperative family nurturance
A final primary problem here (and with most other stepfamily role and
relationship problems) may be that one or more of your co-parents are...
4)
Heeding Uninformed Advice
One of five
typical
co-parents face is lack of qualified lay and professional
stepfamily support in their community and the media. In researching
divorcing-families and stepfamily dynamics and problems since 1979, I
have read over 50 lay and clinical books, and hundreds of articles.
I
have spent well over 20,000 hours listening to hundreds of typical
co-parents, relatives, and human-service and media professionals talk
about these topics. Assuming these people are typical of the U.S.
population, I'd estimate that under 10% had clear understanding of the
core problems in these normal, complex families, and how to effectively reduce them.
This implies that typical co-parents trying to reduce
significant stepchild-stepparent sexuality stressors risk getting ineffective or harmful advice from
kin, friends, authors, counselors and therapists, clergy, TV, and
family-life educators and programs.
Co-parents' own
and
hinder objectively assessing the soundness of advice from
these sources. This puts stepfamily co-parents at risk of...
-
wasting time, money, and
effort trying solutions that don't work and/or increase their
personal and family stress, and...
-
hindering their complex biofamily
and...
-
lowering the nurturance-level of their stepfamily
- and wounding their dependents - in the
process.
Here are some common examples of ineffective or harmful advice (shoulds, ought-to's,
have-to's, and musts), in the context of this article:
"Stepfamilies aren't very
different from
intact biofamilies, so you should use "normal" (generic
intact-biofamily)
rules about family sexuality and sensuality in handling this
problem;" Wrong. See
"This is an individual
problem (e.g. this child or adult is oversexed, immoral,
promiscuous, sick, sinful, perverse, or bad), vs.
a cluster of related
problems in and among all adults in both the child's
homes, and perhaps influential relatives and other supporters."
"Sexual feelings in
stepparents or stepkids are wrong, perverse, shameful, and bad - so
they must intentionally quench them" (i.e. the "sexual" person must
mentally control what triggers their hormones and the
emotional responses they cause). This is misinformed, naive, and
absurd.
"Typical stepparents and
stepkids should feel and behave like bioparents and their genetic
children, so stepparents and stepkids (or stepsiblings) should not
feel sexual about each other (or someone is bad or wrong)."
Wrong
"The (problem adult or child)
should (want to) get counseling to solve their problem."
No, all
affected co-parents need to want to improve their awareness
and heal false-self wounds and losses - and they all may
benefit from qualified family therapy as they gain these.
"If co-parents
and/or mates
'talk openly and honestly' together, they can solve any stepfamily
problems." Not possible
without...
-
their
steadily
their
personalities, and...
-
growing fluency in the seven Project-2
communication skills. Can you describe
Do you
use them in important situations?
Note the theme of these examples. Impractical and harmful
stepfamily advice, and average co-parents' inability to judge such
advice, are epidemic.
Guideline:
respect advice from lay people who could describe and explain these
stepfamily realities,
differences, and
and from
professional people who meet most of
these criteria.
Reality Check
Recall why you read this article. Then see where you stand on the main
ideas above: T= True, F = false, and ? = "I'm not sure,"
or "It depends on (what?)"
I am significantly concerned
about sexual attitudes or behaviors between a stepchild and/or a
stepparent in our home or stepfamily now (T F ?)
I believe this is a stepfamily
problem, not a personal (individual) one. (T F
?)
I'm clear on the difference
between a surface problem and underlying
(unmet
needs) now. (T
F ?)
I (a) understand the concept
of
and (b) I'm
clear on whether each of our stepfamily's co-parents is generally
by their
true Self or not (T F ?)
I can describe each of the
four primary problems summarized here clearly to another person now,
or I'm motivated to study and understand them better
now by following the links above. (T F ?)
I accept that our "sexuality
problem" is a symptom of one or more of the primary problems
summarized in this article. (T F ?)
All our co-parents are
comfortable talking with each other about this situation now,
or if not, I know
and
how we can
improve that now. (T F ?)
I
want to (a) discuss
what I've read here with our other co-parents in the next several
days, and (b) work toward a shared action plan with them to
resolve our version of these primary problems; or if
not, I know what to do about that. (T F ?)
I'm clear on how to evaluate
whether we need professional help to (a) explore whether one or more
of us suffered major sexual trauma in childhood, and/or to (b)
help resolve our primary problem/s. (T F
?)
 Recap
The incest taboo that guards genetic relatives from harmful sexual
interactions is significantly weaker in typical multi-home stepfamilies. The odds
that a stepparent and stepchild (or stepsiblings) will feel significant
sexual attraction to each other are higher than between average biofamily members. By
itself, that is normal - i.e. no one is wrong or bad.
Problems arise from
the way family members react to inappro-priate sexual attitudes or
behaviors.
This article (a) clarifies "the (sexual) problem" and proposes (b) four
criteria to help your co-parents decide if some action is warranted now.
Then it (c) suggests four probably primary problems that may be causing the surface
problem/s:
psychological
in
one or more co-parents and kids. These cause a dynamic mix of
problems like excessive
and reality
and...
co-parents not
accepting or agreeing on their stepfamily
and learning
what it
and...
co-parent ignorance
of four
- which - with
significant false-self wounds - causes
family
and
other problems.
a fourth possible
problem is that co-parents are heeding
uninformed or harmful advice from
lay or professional supporters and/or media "experts."
The article provides links to more information and resolution options
for each of these primary problems. It closes with a "status check" to
help you discern how you stand with the ideas proposed here.
Note these related articles on
resolving significant sexual stresses between spouses,
stepsiblings, and divorced
ex mates.
Did you get what you needed from this article? If so, what do you want
to do next? If not - what
you need?
+ + +
<<
Prior page /
Add to favorites
/
Print page
/
Email this article's address
>>
home
/ site overview
/
directory /
site map
/
Q&A /
/
solutions
/
site search
/
glossary
research /
free course /
guidebooks
/
NEW
forums /
resources / feedback
and/or subscribe / *
Updated
August 29, 2008
|