Mothers who re/marry must choose among four options: using their birthfamily
surname, their former-marriage name, their new partner's last name, or two
of these with a hyphen. ("Now I'm Muriel Goldberg-O'Brian"). A
common challenge
for all members is trying to forge family unity among adults and kids with
three or more last names.
If a re/marrying Mom chooses her new husband's surname, her prior kids'
reactions can range from indifference to confusion to hurt, resentment, and
anger. These may be amplified if her ex mate and/or other family members
disapprove. Any new babies will have a different legal last name than the
biomom's
older child/ren, unless the stepdad adopts them. These can weakens the "us-ness"
and shared identity that a common last name promotes in a nuclear family. If
adults or kids are insecure (wounded), last-name differences can breed rejection and
competition.
Minor stepkids' having a different last name than their Mom and stepdad can
confuse school staff in conferences, activity registrations ("Mrs. Beale, you,
um, want to sign Naomi Parker up for summer camp?"), and some medical and
legal situations.
If that occurs, the child can feel embarrassed and confused, and the adults
vexed, irritated, and frustrated.
Confusion often arises when former and new wives have the same last name:
"Pardon me - which 'Mrs. Jacobi' are we talking about here?"
This confusion is likely if someone doesn't realize that a divorce and a
re/marriage have occurred. This may happen if a co-parent
is over-guilty and ashamed of their divorce and/or re/marriage, and doesn't
mention them to others. Such avoidances send confusing messages to all minor
kids involved - specially if family role-titles don't reflect the new
stepfamily's reality (below).
American stepfamily couples are more apt to mix cultures, races, and ethnic
heritages and identities than first-marriers. Sometimes the last names of the re/marrying adults evoke ethnic
and/or religious associations, stereotypes, and biases in some relatives -
e.g. "We McTavishes always celebrate Easter mass together at
St. Anne's in Gloucester, so you Garcias will join us, won't you." These can cause
hidden or overt scorn, resentment, distrust, hostility, competitions, and antagonisms,
which may promote
relationship avoidances or cutoffs if the adults are
and lack
and effective
communication
Part of first and last-name stress can be about preserving personal identity and family
tradition. The other part usually is a classic
"Who's (name and identity) needs come first here - mine or
(someone else's)?"
Besides identical first names and different last names, a third common
new-stepfamily problem is...
All cultures evolve a set of words to distinguish different pairs of people in
a biofamily: grandparent - grandchild; mother - daughter; uncle - nephew;
brother - sister, etc. These relationship
titles evoke complex assumptions and
expectations about each different pair - e.g. "Uncles and nephews usually
don't know each other as well as fathers and sons, and their bond may be
weaker;" or "Grandmothers sexually molest their grandsons far less
often than fathers molest young daughters."
Our comfort level rises in group situations when each person is clear on how
they're "supposed to" relate to each other person. The
"supposed to" is deeply ingrained from childhood teachings and
modelings, social and religious instruction ("Honor thy Father and thy
Mother"), and the media. Kids and adults unconsciously use role-titles to
decide how much respect we accord a person, what we expect them to be
responsible for, and what abilities we assume (or need) them to have.
The general title problem in multi-home stepfamilies is
(a)
there are up to 15 unfamiliar
(e.g.
step-cousin, half-sister, step-grandfather, ex sister-in-law,...); (b) people
are often confused, and/or disagree, about how to title these roles;
and (c) there is little agreement in our society - and often in a
- on...
-
who decides what stepfamily
role-titles to use,
-
what each title
means to all
family members and supporters ("How
should stepmothers and adolescent stepsons relate to each other?"),
and...
-
what titles are "correct" or "normal."
These questions can be specially
confusing to minor kids who lack clear guidance from their caregivers -
specially if they have some ambivalence about or resistance to accepting
their new stepfamily identity and relatives.
Stepkids whose mother re/marries must decide "What do I call
(title) you - e.g. Mom's husband, my new (or other) father, my stepfather, Bill, my stepsister's dad, our Poppa, him, or...?" Titling
a stepmother "right" is just as complex. If a stepchild has a
stepmom and a stepdad, title decisions can be twice as confusing - specially
if the adults are conflicted.
New stepparents are often unsure what to call their visiting or custodial
stepkids, before and after re/wedding: "Are you my daughter, our daughter, my stepdaughter,
my husband's daughter, Bill's girl, our girl, or Jill?" Am
I your (other) mother, your stepmother, your Dad's (new) wife,
your half-brother's biomom, your new friend, or...?"
Because most of us didn't grow up with confusion about family relationship
titles, most new step-adults and kids feel awkward and unsure about (a) their own
confusion, (b) what they need, and (c) how to ask for it ("Honey, I
think it'd be better if you just call me Betty, for now.")
Bitter conflicts can rise when a divorced parent is guilty or ashamed of their
parenting effectiveness, and/or if they
over-depend on their title as "mother" or "father" to
provide personal identity, and self and social respect. To hear their son or
daughter call a new stepparent "Mom" or "Dad" can be
agonizing, insulting, and enraging.
Kids get bewildered, anxious, and frustrated if their bioparent un/consciously
denies or ignores their stepfamily
and
insists that the child call their new stepparent
"(my) Mom" or "(my) Dad." Tensions bloom fast if (a) the child
(and/or adult) doesn't want to use that title, and/or (b) the
child guesses or knows that their other biological parent will be
offended, hurt, or angry if the child complies.
The reverse can happen if a
needy child wants to call their stepparent "(my) Mommy" or "(my)
Daddy" and (a) the stepparent isn't sure of her or his identity and role yet
("I'm really not your Mom; I'm... (some other woman)," and/or (b) one
or more other co-parents or relatives (e.g. grandparents) aren't comfortable
with that title for various reasons.
Another subtle aspect of the stepfamily-title challenge is the adjectives
people automatically use to describe their family role titles. Which would
you rather be called - a "real father," or a "stepfather"? Would you
- or an average girl or boy - feel more respectable in a
"normal family," a "natural family," a "blended
family," or
"a stepfamily"? Real, natural, and normal
imply social normality and acceptability.
By implication and tradition, stepparent and stepfamily are
somehow "unreal," "unnatural," or "abnormal" -
i.e. inferior. My experience since 1981 is that most
people - including media, legal, clergy, and family-health professionals - are unaware of
- or ignore - how the choice among these adjectives can hinder adults' and kids'
acceptance, pride,
and respect of their stepfamily identity.
Because many divorced and stepfamily co-parents are
based
(GWCs) unsure of their personal
identities and
their family
role-titles can have significant power. Because most
GWCs unconsciously
(e.g. numb, deny, repress, project, minimize) - they may be unconscious
of, or may pooh-pooh, inner and interpersonal stepfamily role-title conflicts.
So
- new stepfamilies usually have
interactive groups of mild to major conflicts over first and last names, and how to title their up to 30 (!)
family roles. An important subset of these
conflicts has to do with what minor and grown stepkids, stepparents, and
ex mates call each other.
These problems are usually most stressful in the first years after re/wedding
or co-habiting. They can recur if the re/married partners conceive an
"ours"
child, and/or if a child's other parent re/marries or cohabits. The stress may be temporary or
may remain chronic, if someone refuses to accept, compromise, or
forgive (can't finish grieving).
Courtship (usually) avoids
full-strength stepfamily role-title conflicts because the new
adult isn't a legal spouse yet, and hasn't - or isn't expected to - take on
the formal responsibility and authority of stepparent. "Dad's girlfriend,"
"Mom's boyfriend," "Mark's son (or daughter)," and first
names suit most people well enough for the time being.
A re/wedding ceremony can cause significant name and title
confusions and conflicts to erupt in the space of 20 minutes: "Walking
down the aisle, I was your friend and your father's girlfriend. Now I'm his
wife and your stepmother - (which means...)". First-wedding
experience, social custom and media, and traditional etiquette guides usually
don't prepare couples, kids, relatives, or officiating clergy for this
eruption!
Lay and professional people who have never experienced confusion and conflict
over stepfamily names and titles can't truly
empathize with them. That leaves average steppeople doubting themselves, and often
feeling isolated and alone in trying to validate and
resolve their mix of conflicts amidst a welter of other family-merger
problems and
tasks.
If you're skeptical of this, ask several veteran stepfamily co-parents. Be
aware that they may (a) not have experienced serious name and title conflicts,
or (b) be in major
because admitting the conflicts and their
implications and lack of resolution is too scary!
If you or someone you care about has significant conflicts over stepparent -
stepchild names and family role-titles, what can be done to
resolve them?
Options for Resolving 11 Primary Problems
This site proposes that most lay people and many human-service
professional focus fruitlessly on surface relationship problems. They
don't know how to
to discern the
that cause their
surface problems.
Co-parents who don't dig down risk having the surface stressors
remain, or reappear in another form. The
primary problems causing most significant stepparent-stepchild name and title conflicts are usually a mix of the
11 below. If you want to skip the details, review and apply these
general suggestions.
1) One
or more co-parents or
kids are significantly wounded and family-members don't know it or what to do about
that. One of many symptoms of this is feeling and/or causing
significant stress over stepfamily names and titles. Another is
persistent inability to discuss or resolve these stresses, even using
the Project-2 communication
Solution options: For a
preliminary assessment, focus on each adult and/or child who is
significantly upset over names and titles, and use this
worksheet and
this one to sense whether s/he is
ruled by a false self (wounded).
Don't omit yourself! If you think someone is wounded, use the ideas
and Options in
to sharpen your
assessment, and learn about recovery options.
After reading the Project-1
basics, study these options in for
relating well-enough with significantly-wounded people. Stay focused
- the "name" problem
is a symptom of this primary problem and probably others below.
2)
One or more
co-parents are denying, ambivalent about, or minimizing their group
as a stepfamily,
and/or what their identity
They
may also be denying their denial.
This is usually caused by significant unawareness and false-self wounding (above).
Solution options: co-parents help each other to progress
at
and
and then include other family kids and
active relatives. Include kids'
other bioparents as co-equals! Option: use this
worksheet to
help identify who accepts your stepfamily identity now.
A
third likely primary problem is...
3)
Member/s
may acknowledge your
stepfamily
identity, but reject their own or someone else's
in the stepfamily.
"Family membership" implies role (a)
titles and (b) responsibilities, (c) relationship expectations, and (d) other members'
wanting to respect your feelings, needs,
opinions, and limits. Often divorced partners and their new mates, and
needy and opinionated relatives, can fiercely disagree on stepfamily
membership.
Wounded, needy co-parents and perhaps
unaware advisors may be denying this conflict,
minimizing it, and/or may not know how to resolve it.
A variation is that one or more
co-parents is rejecting (a) a stepparent's role-responsibilities and
authority ("She's not your mother, so you don't have to obey her!"), and/or
(b) the legitimacy of the child's other bioparent's
stepfamily membership - i.e. is rejecting her/his authority, needs,
feelings, and wants. Another variation is that a stepparent is significantly
ambivalent or
confused about his or her role responsibilities - in general, or with a particular stepchild.
Solution options: co-parents work together at Project 3 to identify and agree on stepfamily identity and
membership. Then strive for a stable consensus among your adults and kids on "who belongs to (is included
in) our stepfamily?" Then
over many discussions as peers, vs. opponents, clarify "What does
it
to be a member of our
stepfamily?"
Co-parents do
together, if you haven't yet. That
promotes evolving a
for your complex stepfamily merger and related adult
- including defining which co-parents are
responsible for what specific child-rearing responsibilities for each
minor child.
Primary problem 4)
An adult or child
may acknowledge your stepfamily identity and agree on membership, but
can't decide what s/he wants to be called (a
Solution options: Co-parents share responsibility
for polling all their stepfamily members respectfully for their current
needs about personal names and family-relationship titles. Be
ready to use patient empathic
clear
and win-win
Stay clear on your
-
it's each child's and adult's responsibility to choose their own personal
names and titles. Deciding for another person is inherently
insulting, and will probably promote resentment and resistance - unless the person is
(shamed) and/or numb
(wounded).
5)
The
adult or child knows what name/s and titles s/he prefers,
but doesn't know how to
effectively to get other
members to use them. The common larger problem is that family co-parents
don't know how to communicate and problem-solve
Solution options: Co-parent mates share responsibility for
learning, modeling, and teaching the seven Project-2 communication
Respectfully
encourage the timid one learn how to
more
effectively. If s/he is often controlled by a
based
the primary problem
underneath assertion ignorance or reluctance is low self-worth. See
Problem 8)
on the next page. Also consider whether this sample
Bill of Personal Rights would be useful.
Seven more primary problems that can promote stepparent -
stepchild name and title (and other) conflicts...
6) One or more
adults or kids feels
trapped in one or more concurrent
or
conflicts and
associated
These can each be
(personal)
and/or interpersonal.
Solution options: Co-parent partners share responsibility
for learning how to (a) identify these three stressors without blame
(follow the links), (b) teach the concepts
to other family adults and kids, and (c) coordinate periodic "hunts" for the
stressors. Then
(d) evolve effective strategies to resolve each of them. Success at this depends on
kids and adults getting clear and stable on their personal needs and
priorities. View your stepfamily identity, membership, name, and title conflicts as
symptoms of these (normal) deeper stepfamily relationship problems, vs.
blaming someone as being bad or wrong.
Continue with
five more primary-problem solution-options, and
summary recommendations.
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The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/names.htm