The Web address of this page is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/names2.htm
This
continues solution-options for 11 primary causes of typical stepfamily name
and/or role-title conflicts between stepparents and stepkids (or other
members).
Problem 7) One or more adults or kids
conflicted over your stepfamily identity, membership, names, and titles
hasn't
major prior
from childhood, divorce, death, and/or adult re/marriage
("has old baggage").
Solution options: Co-parent partners take responsibility for
doing Good Grief
together, and assessing themselves and other members for
Work as partners to implement the
six
steps toward healthy grieving in yourselves, your homes, and your
relationships.
Note that
people blocked in grieving, and/or who unwittingly
have probably been controlled by a protective
most of their lives.
That may apply to you, if you feel skeptical, indifferent, or anxious about
these ideas...
Another possible primary problem is that...
8) One or
more stepfamily members feels too guilty, shamed, and/or scared
to admit or discuss significant name or title (or other?) conflicts.
Solution options: The larger challenge here is for co-parent
partners to decide how they want to deal with
and
together - starting with their own, then their dependent kids'. One
approach is to evolve a meaningful family
(i.e. do co-parent
and include a thoughtful "plank" on each of these three
targets. For example:
"We family
leaders are dedicated to honoring anxiety and fear in every
person as a normal, legitimate, healthy emotion. We believe fear in
a child or adult signifies that some personality subself doesn't feel secure
(safe) enough about something, and needs respectful
validation, reassurance, and viable action options. We co-commit
to affectionately helping each other
use our fears to identify
unmet needs, and work to fill them as mutually-respectful teammates."
How
does this compare with how your family handles anxieties (worries) and
fears?
9) Other significant
personal or family problems are
distracting or paralyzing one or more of you from resolving
your stepparent - stepchild name or title conflicts.
Solution options: First, acknowledge that average multi-home stepfamilies - specially new ones -
have many concurrent
problems. Then remind yourselves that
someone needs to be consistently in
charge of...
-
identifying and separating the key problems,
-
prioritizing them,
-
focusing on one or two at a time, and...
-
brainstorming effective solutions with all
concerned.
The old adage about
"How do you eat an elephant? A bite at a time" applies.
Help each other remember that it takes typical stepfamilies four or more
years
after re/wedding to
and resolve enough of these, and gain enough
stability for most members. Then co-parents help each other
and your kids to do
(build stepfamily supports) and
(help each other stay balanced
most days, on four levels).
Take heart: there are a
lot
of resources available, and
inspirations to
empower you as you make your way...
Problem 10)
One or both of your
stepchild's homes are not led by competent, healthy adults. Wounded,
unaware co-parents
often have trouble managing their domestic affairs and relations between a
stepchild's two homes.
This is specially true if one or more co-parents are confused or reject
their stepfamily identity and roles (1 and 2
above). Some common symptoms:
a strong-willed, over-needy, or over-responsible child
dominates family dynamics - specially if s/he's a teen or has special needs like
drugs, and/or trouble with school or the law;
several aggressive, scared, angry,
needy, or overwhelmed
kids are simply too much for the co-parents to supervise - specially if one or
more are (a) often absent at work, school, or elsewhere, (b) new to caregiving and/or
stepparenting, and/or (c) doesn't know what their stepkids
need;
an angry, punitive,
intrusive,
or insecure ex mate
dominates stepfamily relations - perhaps through threat of
legal
action and expense ("You will not call that woman 'your
stepmother!"). These are usually signs of false-self
wounds (1 above) +
ineffective communication (5 above)
+ blocked grief (7 above);
a needy or aggressive relative living with you or at a distance
is not respecting your marital and co-parenting
boundaries,
empathizing with your roles, and/or is putting their needs above yours
- and perhaps denying these dynamics to themselves and/or to you;
and/or...
an opinionated, trusted, well-meaning, uninformed family
professional (clergy, counselor, lawyer, doctor, author) is providing bad (biofamily-based) advice to help you
adults resolve stepfamily doubts and conflict.
With any of these, the solution
grows from co-parent mates agreeing (a) they're not controlling their
home/s, (b) why, and
(c) how
to regain family leadership in a way that leaves everyone feeling safe and respected
enough.
This complex challenge may justify using a
qualified
stepfamily
Resource:
try
the structure of
your related co-parenting homes to see (a) who's included, (b) who's in
charge, and (c) whether there are significant communication
blocks.
11) If you
encounter unyielding
problems in implementing solution-options like these -
including in yourself - you and/or the other co-parents are probably
ruled by well-meaning false selves (problem #1).
Solution options: Co-parents (a) choose a 15 to 20-year view,
and (b) agree on your long-term personal and family priorities: put your
respective
and integrities
first,
keep your re/marriage second
(except in some emergencies), and patiently follow where
leads you together, as
family teammates.
Overall, notice that
a surface stepfamily
problem (here, stepparent-stepchild name and role-title conflict) leads to several underlying
Each
unique home and multi-home stepfamily will have their own mix of these
problems. Each problem stems from one or
more of the five stepfamily
Shared co-parental commitment to learn, listen, assess, and change can overcome all of
these primary problems - a few at a time!
Let's back away from the details and summarize the main solution-options to
your name and title conflicts:
General Suggestions
As far as the
surface problem with
stepchild and stepparent (and other) names and title confusions, what I've learned from hundreds of co-parents since 1981 nets
out to these recommendations:
Co-parents (a) admit clearly and firmly
that
without undue guilt, shame or anxiety; and
(b) learn and (c) accept what
that identity
to your adults,
kids, and relatives;
Acknowledge
(a) that
stepfamilies differ in
many ways from intact biofamilies, including having up to 15 alien
and (b) that your kids and
adults are fellow explorers learning what their complementary roles are, and what to
label (title) them;
Expect initial confusions
about what to call each other; and acknowledge it without guilt
or blame (even humor!) when you experience it;
Talk together
honestly
and directly about first and last names, and relationship titles -
specially in family gatherings. Work to
primary needs until everyone feels
comfortable enough - as judged by all
co-parents;
Respect everyone's dignity
equally, regardless of role, age, or gender. Agree that each
adult and child has a right to decide what they
wish to be called, by whom, and what they're comfortable calling other
family members. Difficulty doing this suggests significant false-self
Experiment with
different names and titles for "best fits." Help each other ask openly "How
does that feel to you? and then really listen
without judgment. Be ready to hear "I don't like it," and practice asking
"What would you prefer - and why?"
Start by asking yourself!
Be cautious about
accepting advice from people who lack experience or training in stepfamily
basics and
realities. Poll other
stepfamilies' members for ideas (e.g. in a
support
group or Web chat room) on how they resolve significant names and
titles conflicts and confusions. Stay aware that their way may not work for your unique
stepfamily situation, and vice versa.
Avoid black/white
shoulds,
oughts, have-to's or musts - specially those
based on intact-biofamily norms and traditions. Seek compromises that
optimize your
long-term
Expect that evolving a
stepfamily-wide comfort level with names and titles will take many months,
so be patient
and content with small steps. Also, expect name
and title confusions to erupt again each time a new person is added to your stepfamily via birth, marriage, adoption, or custody or primary-dwelling
changes.
Avoid forcing a name
or family role-title on any adult or child, regardless of how "right" it
seems to you. Doing so to a dependent child against their wish is
demeaning and shaming - i.e.
Be cautious about aligning
stepparents' and kids' last names via legal name changes or
adoption.
These are financially and emotionally complex decisions that merit much
thorough research and honest discussion among all affected - specially the
child/ren!
Finally...
Keep your senses of humor, go
slowly, and enjoy your adventure together!
The alternative is to allow your
protective false selves to make your
a grim, scary,
shaming ordeal...
Reality Check
Before finishing this article, pause, breathe, and learn where you stand on
the ideas above. T = True, F = False, and ? = "I'm torn
or not sure," or "It depends on (what?)."
I accept the idea
that normal personalities are composed of a
which can be
guided by a resident
or a
well-meaning false self. (T F ?) If you're unsure,
read this and this
example. If you're
skeptical, try this safe
exercise, and read this
letter.
I'm sure my Self
(capital "S") is
right now; or if
not, I know which other subselves are. (T F ?)
I agree that (a) we
adults and kids are a normal, multi-home stepfamily which (b) differs
significantly from an intact biofamily. (T F ?)
I feel we have a
significant problem about stepparent - stepchild names and/or titles
now. (T F ?)
I accept the idea
that most family role and relationship problems are surface symptoms
of unmet primary needs, which can be identified by
with an open
mind. (T F ?)
I (a) believe that
our "name and/or title problem" is caused by one or more of the 11
primary problems summarized above, and (b) I'm motivated now to identify
which problems, with our other co-parents. (T F ?)
I'm comfortable
discussing this article with each other co-parent in our stepfamily now;
or if not, I know why, and what to do about that now. (T F
?) If you're not comfortable, explore
for
options.
Recap
One of many merger-adjustment tasks typical stepfamily members must
accomplish is agreeing on what to call each other. The chances of
(1) identical first
names, (2) different biomom - biochild and stepsibling last names, and (3) unclear family role-titles are
greater in typical multi-home stepfamilies than in average intact biofamilies.
Combinations of these often cause significant, doubts, guilt, irritation, hurt, frustration, and anger in some
new-stepfamily members. If the unmet primary needs causing these go unmet too
long, they slow or block the bonding and
loyalty-building that re/marrying mates hope to co-create in their
dynamic multi-home stepfamily.
This article outlines some key variations of common surface problems that
can erupt around names and stepfamily-role titles. It summarizes solution-options for 11
common primary stressors that cause the surface problems, and closes with a group of
research-based suggestions for co-parents about the original surface name
and title conflicts, and a reality-check exercise.
These core problems and solution-options apply to all stepfamily
members, not just stepparents and stepkids. Note
(a) the companion article on resolving
name confusions between stepsiblings,
and (b) that
legal-last-name conflicts can erupt when someone proposes stepchild
adoption. For perspective,
resolving confusion and conflicts about family name and role-title
conventions is part of co-parent Projects
(merge three or more
biofamilies) and
(forge an effective
co-parenting team).
Pause, breathe, and reflect... say out loud why you read this article.
Did you get what you needed? If so, what do you need to do now? If not -
what do you need?
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