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three-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/stepteens.htm
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This
is one of a series of Web pages suggesting solutions for common divorced-family and stepfamily relationship problems.
This
Solutions sub-series focuses on
solving common
between stepkids and stepparents. Most ideas
apply equally to single co-parents and their child/ren.
This
gives perspective on this nonprofit divorce-prevention site and how to
best use it. The ideas here
aim to augment, not replace, other qualified professional
This article for bioparents, stepparents, and supporters offers (a) perspective on stepfamily co-parents and stepteens,
(b) a summary of
common adult-teen surface problems; and
(c) key options for
resolving the primary problems
that cause them.
This article assumes you're
familiar with these concepts:
If you have a current "stepteen problem"
your options include...
-
choose a
long-range
view;
-
your true Selves
(work at
-
evolve effective communication
skills
together
-
become experts on what each of your kids
need, and then
evolve a set of meaningful co-parent
based on a
well-deliberated family
-
below surface
"stepteen problems" to the unmet
that cause them;
-
agree on a clear definition of
and
stepparenting with your other
co-parents;
-
patiently follow the links here and in the other articles, and study
what you find.
To
ground yourself as you work at these over time, periodically refresh
yourself on your version of these
problem-solving
premises. Option - experiment with the many Web chatrooms
for stepfamily co-parents, like this one.
Though they're often for stepparents or stepmoms, single and remarried
bioparents can learn and contribute much from/to them.
True Story
A
distraught biomom called me for a counseling appointment for her and her
second husband Norman - a divorced, non-custodial father of four sons, aged
19 to 25. This college-educated, middle-aged couple had lived with her
daughter Lisa (18) and son Marty (15) for four years (not their real names).
She said they wanted to reduce "some problems" between Norman and Marty, and
that Norman and Lisa "got along just fine."
Several meetings with the couple and her son disclosed a familiar saga...
The Mom (Alicia) was increasingly unhappy that Norman often criticized her
Marty "unfairly" for being lazy, defiant, and disrespectful to him, and
often treated the teen with sarcasm (disrespect), criticism, lectures,
little empathy, demands, and cold silences.
Alicia said one result was that
Marty was silent around Norman, avoided him, and came to her with his
problems and successes. His biological father was
distant and erratic in contacting Marty and Lisa, though reliable in supporting them financially. Alicia felt
her ex "was really not part of this problem."
Alicia was hurt, frustrated, and angry that her husband - a professional
educator - often compared Marty unfavorably to his own sons. Norman
repeatedly implied that she and her ex mate had done a poor job raising
Marty so that he (Norman) had to "clean up their mess."
She felt that their
many "discussions" about this family situation had changed nothing, and she
disliked "who I'm becoming" - i.e. frequently
increasingly hopeless, and angrily siding with her son against her husband
more and more, despite Norman's hurt, resentment, and protests.
Norman felt that Alicia was (a) defending and denying her inept mothering and
wifely disloyalty, (b) unwilling to "listen to reason" (i.e. agree with him),
and (c) was unfairly polarized against him despite his being a caring,
generous, large-hearted "family man."
This articulate, self-confident
stepfather described several instances at great length where Marty had
defied, lied to, and/or insulted him. He acidly said that Alicia had "done
nothing" to reprimand her son, and support Norman "as a wife should."
Norman vehemently denied they were a stepfamily because "I love her kids
like they were my own," and "Lisa has always called me 'Dad'." He called
Marty, Lisa, and his sons "our kids," and rejected his role-title of
stepfather. Alicia did acknowledge she was a biomom and stepmom, and
seemed resigned to Norman's rigid denial of their stepfamily
Neither co-parent or their ex mates had read or discussed anything about
stepfamilies at the time I met with them.
I met with
Marty and his Mother alone. The boy disclosed
that he had always felt hurt because Norman clearly favored his own sons and
Lisa, but denied it; and was rigid, cold, unempathic, and demanding with him. The teen also resented the condescending "macho" way Norman
treated his mother (and that she wouldn't stand up for herself).
He said
he'd never tell Norman these things because "he'd go ballistic." Marty had
given up hope of any good relationship with his stepfather or feeling truly
included by his "holier than thou" stepbrothers. He said bitterly he wished
his mother "had never married this jerk."
Understandably, Alicia was buffeted with many feelings, and desperate to find
some way to solve this escalating impasse. She said spontaneously that
Norman really did have many wonderful qualities, and that this "thing"
(loyalty conflict) was
"the main problem we haven't been able to solve" in their seven-year
relationship.
Would you say this (real)
stepfamily had "a stepteen problem"? their situation illustrates many
of the most common surface and
in typical stepfamilies. More on that on the next page.
Before continuing, pause and reflect: what do you hope to get by reading
this?
First Things First...
Parenting
in warp-speed, sensory-overload America 2000 is
challenging. Parenting typical teen-agers successfully is specially
challenging. Nurturing typical stepfamily
teenagers can be extra-complex and stressful, even for veteran caregivers. Whether
you seek general guidelines or an immediate problem-solution here,
expect no
fast, easy answers!
Prepare to get the most from
this article by studying and discussing these
foundation articles with your other co-parents. If - like Alicia, Norman,
and their ex mates - you adults haven't done much work on co-parent
and are
serious about effective long-term co-parenting, expect this study to take
several weeks:
If this looks like a lot of
work - it is! Patiently studying, discussing, and applying these articles
can earn the priceless satisfaction in your later years of feeling you
adults co-parented effectively despite many confusions, distractions, and
conflicts, and alien new roles and family norms!
Perspectives
Premise: the more your co-parents, relatives, and supporters understand some
key factors about the teens and co-parents in your unique stepfamily,
the better able you'll all be to fill everyone's
over time. Here,
co-parenting denotes the complex multi-year task of identifying and filling
the developmental and
situational needs of dependent children, yourself, and your adult partner/s.
Note these companion articles about
adult stepchildren,
and
co-grandparents, and this extensive
Q&A series.
Before reviewing some keys to nurturing typical stepteens effectively, let's
review (a) co-parenting variables, (b) typical teens' traits
and unique needs, and (c) effective problem-solving.
1) About Typical Co-parents
There are over 100 structural
of stepfamily,
each traversing these developmental
stages as they
and (try to)
stabilize over many years. Yet the factors that shape co-parenting effectiveness with
average stepteens (and other kids) are relatively constant across all these
variations. For example...
How
and
is, each adult's
basic
and how
they can
communicate and problem-solve together; and...
Whether a
stepteen's co-parents
chose the right
to re/wed, for the right
at the right
and...
How
(a) knowledgeable the several co-parents are about their minor kids' developmental
and family-adjustment needs, and
(b) how able they are to help kids' fill those concurrent needs as caregiving
while attending
their own
and stepfamily-merger
tasks; and...
(a)
Whether stepparents have prior child-raising experience, (b) how
long stepparents and stepteens have known each other; (c) whether they genuinely
like (vs. love),
respect, and enjoy
each other; and (d) how much a teen's stepparent/s enjoy and feel
confident and supported in
their challenging caregiving roles.
More factors that affect co-parenting typical stepteens effectively...
How clear all co-parents are about the
(responsibilities)
of each stepparent, and how able co-parents are to identify and resolve
significant role (values)
conflicts (who's responsible for what, with which child); and...
Whether a teen's co-parents have evolved (a) a healthy
stepfamily
and (b) effective strategies to manage
inevitable (a)
and
conflicts and
associated relationship
These stressors often bloom around "child discipline" with stepkids -
specially teens; and...
(a)
How many other stepchildren are competing for co-parental time and
attention, and (b) how well their respective developmental and family-adjustment
needs are being met; and...
The degree of
effective
co-parents seek
and/or get from relatives and peers, and how strong and compatible the
co-parents'
are; and overall...
|
How effectively a teen's co-parents are responding to their version of
these five common stepfamily
and significant
others.
|
average
American 