The Web address of this
three-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/stepteens.htm
Continued from page 1...
If you're reading this to gain ideas on reducing one or more "stepteen
problems," refresh yourself on "effective problem-solving." Here are some
keys:
3) Perspective on Problem Solving
All relationships and social roles
have "problems." See how
this summary
compares to what you know about "problem-solving," so far. Highlights:
A problem or conflict occurs when (a) one or more people have significant unfilled
and/or (b) their
current needs, values (including priorities), and/or perceptions
clash.
Most
social role and relationship problems have surface symptoms caused by several
underlying primary needs. Effective problem resolution requires adults to
and focus on filling the latter rather than the surface symptoms.
Do your co-parents do this regularly?
(conflict
resolution) is a concurrent process
and between
people, aimed at trying to reduce each person's current key discomforts -
i.e. fill their current needs well enough for now.
Stepfamily
and relationship
problems usually occur in complex, interactive clusters. To resolve them,
co-parents must intentionally identify the main problems, separate and
rank-order them, and then help everyone involved stay focused on filling
one or several key needs at a time;
problem-solving requires each adult involved to know and use
communication basics
and seven
when their
their
other
Your co-parents can help each other attain these vital requisites by
working together on
and
over time.
An essential basic is each co-parent intentionally maintaining genuine
(=/=)
attitudes about their stepteen and themselves - and everyone else,
including the teen's other co-parent/s;
The main
differences between co-parenting problems with stepteens vs. younger and
adult children are (a)
the unique set of personal needs that typical teens are trying to
fill (above), and (b) normal role confusion over treating them as dependent
children or self-responsible young adults. Implication: the clearer
co-parents are on their stepteen's unique developmental and
family-adjustment needs and their own, the more likely they are to
provide consistently-high nurturance and effective problem-solving during this
turbulent
family-transition period.
|
The challenge all family members face is staying balanced and clear on
their personal and family goals, as teens and adults move through the welter of
confusions and changes leading to the young adults living successfully on their
own. This may be hardest with first child to leave home, and
may be specially stressful if one or more co-parents had traumatic
teen years and home-leavings themselves. |
We just gained perspective on (a) typical stepfamily co-parents and (b)
teenagers, and on (c) effective problem-solving. Refresh yourself on why
you're reading this article. Then see if you have any of these...
Typical Surface
Stepteen Problems
This site proposes that all personal and social problems consist of
surface symptoms and underlying primary
problems.
Generally, "stepteen problems" can occur in (1) relating to one or two
stepparents, (2) one or both bioparent/s, (3) other family members
(siblings and relatives), and/or (4) "society." Though details always
differ, the surface problems can be grouped into categories like
these:
one or more
adults disapproves of - or worries about - a teen's "character" and/or
recent behavior, and the teen "defies" or ignores suggested or demanded
changes;
a stepteen or
stepparent doesn't like, trust, and/or respect the other;
co-parents and a
teen disagree on (a) household and social responsibilities and/or (b) rules
and consequences ("discipline"), and they can't find stable compromises;
a stepteen's
sexuality causes someone significant discomfort;
co-parents and
the teen disagree over how and when the teen will leave home;
a teen's school
performance and/or behavior causes one or more adults significant
discomfort, and the teen is unresponsive, argumentative, and/or hostile to
adult suggestions or
demands;
co-parents
struggle to resolve significant tensions between a stepteen and one or
more (step)siblings;
family members
are conflicted over (a) someone's wish for a stepteen to move in with her or
his other bioparent; (b) the teen's visitations with their other parent,
and/or (c) a teen and (someone's) money.
Do you see your "stepteen problem" among these? Premise: Any other
surface problems in a
that focus on a
stepteen are really between (a) co-parents and/or (b) mates.
In
the story that opened this article, stepfather and veteran biofather Norman
complained that his 15-year-old stepson Marty was lazy, disrespectful,
dishonest, uncooperative, selfish, aloof, undependable, and "headed
for trouble." The man's (well-meant) efforts to correct these eight
(perceived) traits over four years had "failed," and caused higher tensions
among everyone in their home. This was amplified by Norman expecting his
wife Alicia
to (a) agree with him, and (b) want to help him correct these traits in
her son - and she wasn't doing either of these. This was adding to several major re/marital problems that these mates weren't
acknowledging.
It
became clear to me that these typical co-parents had no clue about
what the primary problems were or how to resolve them. This
typifies 100% of the many
hundreds of divorced-family and stepfamily cases I've been involved in - with and without "stepteen
problems."
Options for Resolving Primary
"Stepteen Problems"
After
perhaps 10 hours of therapeutic consultation with Norma and Alicia and a
meeting with Marty and his Mom, my assessment of the core problems in
this normal stepfamily home included...
1) Norman and Alicia (and probably their ex mates) carried significant
false-self
from
childhoods.
They politely ignored (denied) this when I explained and suggested it.
In/directly, these two factors were causing or promoting every other
stepfamily problem. See this true
stepfamily example for more
perspective on this common dynamic.
Options: each co-parent review these
and then work at
honestly -
ideally before considering stepfamily re/marriage. And...
2) Both
mates had made
need-driven,
re/marital
choices, and were reacting to the escalating consequences.
Options: each
courting partner (a) acknowledge their stepfamily
, (b) accept what that
and then (c)
work patiently at
before
choosing to re/marry. Resource: see this related
free course.
3)
despite
graduate-level degrees and over four decades of life experience,
neither co-parent know
enough of these
One result was they
were unable to problem-solve their web of concurrent stressors effectively.
Instead, they chose many of these ineffective
over and over, despite
resulting
Another result was - despite being professional High School
educators, neither partner could accurately describe and fill their
kids' (i.e. Marty's) divorce + parental remarriage+ stepfamily-merger
adjustment needs. This significantly
lowered the
of their nuclear stepfamily.
Options: co-commit to help each other (a) progress at Project 1,
and (b) study and discuss these core
topics and these
vital questions.
4) Because of their false-self wounds and unawareness,
Norman and Alicia were locked in an escalating, cycle of
lose-lose debates and fruitless blame > defend/explain > counter-blame sequences.
This
left them all (a) weary, wary, unsatisfied, and increasingly unwilling to try
problem-solving together, and (b) expecting "discussions" to be
useless.
Restated:
they tried to
resolve their many problems had become one of the problems - and
they didn't see this.
Option: make helping each other progress on co-parent
and
as teammates a high
shared priority.
5a) Norman's rigid rejection of their stepfamily identity caused him to
expect his wife and stepkids to act like intact-biofamily members. In
particular, he expected Marty to want to love,
respect, and obey him like a biofather, and Alicia to encourage that. I suspect Norman's
denial of his deep
wound prevented
him from feeling OK as a twice-divorced stepfather, so his
ruling false self had to
their stepfamily
reality and his own wounds and denials. His well-meaning
also wanted Alicia to
behave like "a normal" (i.e. biofamily) wife in important ways, like
accepting his criticisms of her son and siding with him, rather than
defending Marty - producing a classic, escalating
5b) Alicia's false self
was...
minimizing
(vs. denying) their stepfamily identity, and what it meant;
protectively
denying that she had (again?) married a significantly wounded man who
often couldn't (vs. wouldn't) fill some of her and her son's key needs;
and...
paralyzing
her from respectfully
her
rights, values, needs, and
(limits)
with Norman - in general, and about Marty. And Alicia's subselves were...
repressing
accumulated major hurts and resentments because Norman refused to rebuke
his visiting adult sons for (a) ignoring (disrespecting) Alicia, and (b)
repeatedly "trashing the house" after she worked hard to make it clean
and pleasant;
Options: grow
motivated to (a) understand, (b) tailor, and (c) co-commit to progress on co-parent
together. Note -
this
won't reverse unwise re/marital decisions...
Continue
with more concurrent primary problems causing this stepfamily's "stepteen
problem"...
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