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The Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/wounded.htm

        This is one of over 150 articles focused on building high-nurturance family relationships and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.

        These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily. Clicking links below will open an informational pop-up or a full window, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit site.

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

        Many people in our society are aggravated by, and/or concerned about, "troubled children" who "act out" and/or are harming themselves and/or other people. This is specially common in typical low-nurturance, divorced, and step families. This article is written to caregivers struggling with "difficult children." It summarizes (a) the general surface problem, (b) typical underlying primary problems, and (c) 10 co-parent options to bring some relief and hope, long term.

        Raise your odds of filling your needs here by first reviewing...

• this introduction to the [wounds + ignorance] cycle that promotes many family problems. If you have trouble viewing the slides, see this.

• the basic suggestions that begin this subseries; 

• the key factors promoting a high-nurturance family and a healthy relationship; 

• these basic stepfamily facts and implications;

• typical goals of effective co-parents, and perspective on effective stepparenting;

• average minor stepkids' four sets of concurrent needs;

• an introduction to normal personality subselves (like yours);

• the five hazards typical co-parents face, and the 11 core problems they can cause;

• the 12 safeguard Projects partners can work at together to build a high-nurturance  stepfamily, over time;

• these questions and answers about stepparenting and stepkids; and...

• this brief research summary suggesting that U.S. "mental illness" begins by age 14.

        For more detail and perspective on this topic, review Project 1, and consider investing in this related guidebook.

        A non-custodial stepmom recently wrote to the Internet Forum I moderated that she's badly "torn." Her teen stepson, who has a history of trouble and violent conflict at school and at both his homes, was about to be sent to a juvenile detention center. His father wanted to take him back into their home "one more time." The stepmom agonized because she felt true compassion for her stepson, and she dreaded him returning to disrupt their home again. She wrote that her own early-teen daughter "is scared of her stepbrother (living with us)."

        Since 1981, I've heard hundreds of versions of this story from stepfamily clients and students. Many average stepfamilies struggle with one or more stepkids who "act out" excessively, and cause their co-parents and stepsibs anxiety or fear, hurt, anger, resentment, and guilt. Parenting is challenging enough in any family. In complex, multi-home nuclear stepfamilies, co-parenting a troubled child effectively while keeping other things balanced is extraordinarily hard.

What's the (Surface) Problem?

        At first glance, situations like the one above might be described as "adults trying their best with a bad child." Most over-busy parents and school personnel tend to focus on restraining and "fixing" the "troubled" boy or girl. The surface problem is that (a) the child's behavior upsets (scares, hurts, angers, frustrates, intimidates, worries) too many people too often, and (b) s/he isn't "responding well enough" to various attempts to help. Often the child and/or their behavior is c/overtly labeled "the problem," and affected adults try to limit and change ("correct") the child.

What's the Primary Problem?

        When co-parents' and others' best efforts don't produce desired changes in a child's attitudes and behaviors over time, there may be several reasons:

The child has been raised - and/or lives in - in a low-nurturance environment created unintentionally by wounded, unaware (ineffective) caregivers. The child is unable to identify and articulate what s/he needs, and her or his behavior is a primal attempt to survive, let alone grow toward young-adult independence;

The involved caregivers and authorities are focusing on the wrong things, and don't know this or what to do about it - i.e. they don't have the knowledge, awareness, and courage to focus on the right things (below); And often...

Co-parents fruitlessly argue over who is responsible to "fix" the "problem child." This is usually aggravated by implied or overt blaming, based on toxic guilt and shame and a mix of anxieties, inadequate information, and ineffective communication. These become secondary problems of their own, and make effective caregiver cooperation hard or impossible; And...

The exasperated, concerned co-parents and school authorities often attempt punishing first-order (superficial) changes, like lecturing, grounding, fining, detention, loss of privileges, expulsion, or community service. Because these are often imposed impulsively and disrespectfully, they frequently motivate the troubled child to "act out" more.

When co-parents admit honestly that they are at least half of the core problem and try to change themselves, then blaming, defensiveness, and "defiance" can begin to shift toward effective household and family problem solving.

A troubled child's actions imply that their developmental needs haven't been filled adequately, so far. If so, the solution is for "someone" to compassionately assess the child's unmet needs and fill them. To nurture means "to fill someone's needs." Custodial and non-custodial co-parents determine the nurturance level of their child/ren's one or two homes. Kids' key daily needs include respectful attention and appreciation, safeties, listening, appropriate privacy, dignity, genuine encouragement, and empathic, consistent guidance toward adult independence - including respectful limit-setting (rules) and enforcing (consequences) - i.e. effective discipline.

        Another key reason the co-parents' first-order (superficial) changes often don't work is...

Co-parents and school staff are too wounded, distracted, uncoordinated, and unaware to identify and fill the child's needs well and consistently. Wounded means "unconsciously dominated by a reactive false self." Unaware means being unable to answer many of these questions well.

Your troubled child is half the problem. To survive a low-nurturance environment, s/he has formed a protective, short-sighted, false self which "acts out." S/He didn't choose this, doesn't know it, and can't control it without patient, informed adult help. This guarantees that "logic" (reasoning and explaining) and "punishment" (discomfort) cannot permanently improve the child's attitudes and upsetting behavior - they'll probably maintain or increase it! 

        Part of the child's personality always believes "I am a bad person not worth loving or caring about." Against all pleas, logic, and threats, this semi-conscious attitude ( shame or "low self esteem") steadily contributes to self-harmful behaviors. Over time, this increases the false-self's belief "I am bad and unlovable, no matter what anyone says. So I don't care..." That is not "defiance." It is the proud, angry expression of shame-based self-abandonment, inexpressible pain, overwhelm, and despair (lack of hope).

Premise: a "troubled" minor or grown (step)child's personal, school, and relationship problems are really caused by (a) false-self wounds in the child and their original and current caregivers, and (b) adult ignorance and unawareness. Permanent attitude and behavioral change is unlikely until the responsible adults...

• understand and accept this premise (do Project 1 together, and break any limiting denials),  and...

• identify and agree on what the child needs; and...

• genuinely want to heal their own wounds and the child's, and...

• intentionally assess and improve their family's nurturance level together

        Otherwise (a) co-parents are at significant risk of ongoing or increasing stress and psychological or legal re/divorce, and (b) the child risks some or all of these consequences. Is this toxic ancestral cycle affecting your family members now?

Two Stark Implications

        No matter how caring, devoted, and skilled typical school and law enforcement professionals and programs are, they will usually not be able to help significantly heal the child's psychological wounds unless the child's co-parents become self- motivated (a) to say "We're half (or more) of the problem," and (b) help each other reduce their own wounds and ignorances over time.

        Until American clergy and elected legislators assume responsibility for compassionately assessing a couples' ability to provide a high-nurturance environment before allowing them to conceive a child, this major social problem (widespread divorce and inherited psychological wounds) will inexorably spread down the generations and steadily weaken our citizens' wholistic health and society.

       Notice your subselves ' reactions to these blunt premises. I suspect you're at least startled, perhaps skeptical or critical, or even angry. If so, do you know which of your subselves are reacting, and why? The rest of this two-page article offers ideas to co-parents based on the premises above and the articles linked at the top of this page. If you haven't read them yet, I urge you to do so now to better understand what follows. If you're skeptical about the concept of personality subselves, try this safe, interesting exercise and read my letter to you. 

Options for Helping a Psychologically-wounded (Step)child

        If you're dismayed by what you just read, I want to offer an encouragement. I write this as an ex stepfather, stepson, and stepgrandson, and as a stepfamily therapist for 27 years. Two tough proposals that probably fit your unique situation are...

you probably cannot improve your "troubled" (step)child's attitudes and behavior by yourself, despite your best efforts; and...

you can...

• identify and reduce your own false-self wounds,

• encourage the child's other co-parents to better understand false-self wounds and what causes them, and raise your shared nurturance level; and...

• learn how to select effective professional and educational help for the child and your family adults. 

Do you agree? "No" is different than "I don't see how." See what you think about this menu of meaningful ways you can contribute. First...

Stabilize Any Crises

        Typical co-parents seek help with or for a "problem" child only when they perceive some crisis - i.e. a significant immediate danger to someone. If any of your co-parents currently fear "significant danger," then (a) name it, and (b) focus together on at least stabilizing (vs. resolving) that now. You can't make effective long-range nurturance-level changes until your adults' and kids believe your environment is safe enough in the near future. 

        Many (wounded) divorced and stepfamily co-parents live from crisis to crisis, with few or no periods to rest and regroup. If this describes you, note your option to refocus from your troubled stepchild to the "big picture." Evaluate which of these five hazards you all may face now, and which of these 12 safeguard Projects will stop the roller-coaster in and between your co-parenting homes. Reading this and linked articles may help you identify and stabilize the current threats. The rest of this article assumes you're not distracted by an immediate crisis. True?

Recall: I assume you're seeking viable ways to reduce some personal and family stress (unmet needs) related to one or more troubled stepchildren. Consider these 10 options:
 

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Updated  April 19, 2008