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The Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/wounded.htm

Continued...

        After stabilizing any crises in and/or between your homes...

Prepare, Then Act...

        Coach your co-parents to adopt a long range outlook - e.g. the next 15-20 years. Metaphorically, this is like setting out to fireproof the forest, rather than running from brushfire to fire. It will take years to accomplish what you want with and for the wounded child and the rest of your family members. Patience is a priceless asset!

        Accept that to help all of you (vs. just the child), one or more of you caregiving adults will have to want to change some cherished things about yourselves, over time. You are (at least) half of "the problem!" 

        Encourage your co-parents to avoid blaming anyone, including yourself. Finger-pointing generates hurt, guilt, anxiety, doubt, and defensiveness, vs. effective problem-solving. An alternative is to focus your adults and kids on seeing the results of their attitudes and actions factually - e.g. "When you ground Jennifer angrily and sarcastically without listening to her side, she feels disrespected, hurt, misunderstood, powerful, guilty, ashamed, resentful - and then defiant."

        Learn more about personality subselves and false and true selves. All these Project-1 Web pages and many of these books offer informed opinions about these.

        With compassion, patience, and courage, honestly assess yourself, your mate, other co-parents, and the "problem" child(ren) for symptoms of false-self wounds. If you find disabled true Selves, focus together on freeing them via Project 1. This is not about "sickness" or "badness" (blame), it's about healing and improving your family's nurturance level!

        Assess your basic priorities by honestly looking at your recent actions, perhaps with objective feedback from others (which excludes your mate and/or ex mate). If they seem to be...

• my integrity and health usually come first, then...

• my primary relationship, except in some emergencies; then...

• all else, including minor kids' short-term comfort...

these options may be useful. If you're ruled by a protective false self, your priorities will probably be different. 

        If any of your co-parents or supporters are ambivalent about or resistant to your identity as a multi-home stepfamily, invite them to commit to Projects 3, 4, and 10 with you. This will strengthen your teamwork and odds for helping your wounded stepchild/ren long term.

Make a Job Description

        If you mates solidly agree you're a normal stepfamily and on what that means, then do Project 6 together: evolve a stepfamily mission statement and then a clear co-parenting "job description" for you as the wounded child's stepparent. Many stepmoms and stepdads are confused (a) internally and (b) with their mate and (c) other co-parent/s about what they are and are not responsible for, relative to each stepfamily child. This usually causes confusion, anxiety, and resentment in average minor and grown stepkids.

        If you're not currently clear about your caregiving responsibility and authority, a powerful way of helping your stepchild(ren) long term is to agree with yourself and your other co-parents on (a) what each child needs now and long-term, and (b) who's responsible for filling what needs, when, and how. No small task! 

Premise: as long as any of your related co-parents are significantly controlled by a false self, doing this effectively will be hard or impossible.

        Often, chronic anger (including "defiance") and/or "depression" are signs of blocked grief.  Blocked grief is a symptom of unawareness and false-self control, which suggest low early-childhood nurturance. To see if blocked grief is affecting you and/or your wounded stepchild, do Project 5 - ideally with your other co-parents.

        With your partner, assess this child's self worth (my health and welfare are important to me) and self respect (I am good / worthy / lovable). Assess these in general (as a "person"), and in each of the child's main current roles: son / daughter, boy / girl, sibling (if appropriate), stepson / daughter, and student. If you're a religious (vs. spiritual) family, assess whether the child feels s/he is a (despicable, worthless) "sinner" in God's and/or some righteous person's eyes. Option: use a 1-to-10 scale to rate your assessment.

Most "troubled" (wounded) kids have significantly low global or role self-esteem - i.e. they are "shame-based." If you feel a (step)child is burdened with excessive shame, ask yourself "How does a shame-based child learn genuine (vs. pseudo) self-respect and self-love (vs. "egotism"), and what adult/s are responsible for helping with that?"

        I propose that you cannot logically persuade or demand that someone "feel better about themselves." What you can do is become aware of who in the child's outer and inner worlds are generating shaming messages (e.g. relentless Inner Critic and Perfectionist subselves), and work respectfully to change those messages to generally affirming and encouraging ones.

        You can improve their "outer world" by learning about R(espect)-messages as part of co-parent Project 2; then using communication mapping with your fellow co-parents to explore for people who are sending the wounded child shaming ("you're inferior") R-messages. Note that these toxic messages are often nonverbal - like a facial expression, voice tone, sigh, or eye-roll. Note also that people who chronically shame others are usually shame-based themselves. If your (step)child is frequently shamed by one or both bioparents, older sibs, teachers, relatives, or you - it's likely that person is controlled by a false self.

        Another powerful way you caregiving adults can improve the child's "outer world" is to review your child discipline policies and practices. Disciplining to punish (teach by inflicting discomfort) is inherently shaming. Disciplining to teach and empower - e.g. through natural consequences - encourages self-respect and self-responsibility, over time. Do you agree? How were you disciplined, and how did it shape your self-respect over your young years?

        The seven Project-2 communication skills are essential for providing effective child discipline. If based on a genuine "=/=" (mutual respect) attitude, the skills empower you adults to do win-win problem solving instead of fighting, arguing, imposing, lecturing, avoiding, and/or withdrawing. Note specially the power of intentionally giving effective (vs. good/bad) feedback, and using assertive "I" messages, instead of blameful/shameful you messages.

Promote Inner-world Changes...

        Premise from 17 years' research: normal personalities are composed of many semi-independent subselves, like the talented players in an orchestra or sports team. Different subselves activate and control us in different relationships and situations. We each have a subself called (here) our true Self (capital "S"). S/He is gifted with natural leadership talent if left alone by other subselves. When other subselves don't trust the Self to lead, a short-sighted, well-meaning "false self" is in charge. That causes significant personal and social problems - specially if coupled with unawareness and ineffective communication skills.

        An effective way you co-parents can help your wounded stepchild heal is "parts work" (inner-family harmonizing). Rough out a "personnel roster" of what subselves comprise your wounded stepchild's personality. Ideally, you'll have explained the inner-family concept to them in language they can understand, and they'll join you in doing this. If the child's governing subselves don't trust you adults and/or are too scared or shamed (i.e. too wounded), they'll belittle or resist you "meeting" them. Patiently seek to do so anyway.

        For example: assume that your stepchild's subselves include an undeveloped, disabled Self and a group of young "Vulnerables" - an Angry Child, a Loving Child, a Rebel, a Hurt Child, a Shamed Child, a Scared Child, a Guilty Child, a Playful subself, a Social self, a Kind self, a Distrustful (worried) Child, a Selfish One, and a Solitary or Lost Child. Some related Guardian subselves might be the Liar, the Fugitive, the Magician, the Judge, the Dreamer/Fantasizer, People-Pleaser, and the Inner Critic (Blamer / Shamer). Further assume that one or more of those subselves "takes over" the child's emerging Self, depending on various settings and situations. The ones that take over form the child's false self.

        Each of these subselves brings a different worldview, and different priorities, tolerances, and needs to your stepchild. The next several times you see your (real) stepchild, imagine that you're meeting with this whole gang of subselves at once. Who's the spokesperson, and how do you relate to him or her? Would you react and talk differently to the Hurt subself, than the Angry One? Than the Liar? What if you could get these subselves to know, trust, and leave the child's true Self alone? What if your stepchild's true Self began to meet and sort out all these subselves, and harmonize them into an effective team?  

        Once you adults rough-draft which subselves you think are controlling the child's life in calm and stressful times, devise authentic ways of responding respectfully to each of those personality-parts when they dominate the child's true Self. This will only work if your true Self leads your personality, and promotes (a) genuine respect and compassion for, and (b) firm boundaries and consequences with, your (step)child - no matter what s/he does.

        When your Self guides your other subselves (personality), s/he'll be able to (a) stay focused, (b) identify clearly what you and the child each need now; (c) assert those needs clearly, firmly, and respectfully; (d) patiently use empathic listening to deflate the child's expected "resistances"; and thereby raise your odds of effectively problem solving with them.

        I suspect the idea of responding differently with individual subselves in your wounded stepchild is new to you. If you're doubtful, reflect: do you relate "the same" to all people, in all social situations in your life? Just as you semi-consciously shift to talk differently to a child than an adult or to a friend vs. a stranger, you can learn to respond to the different parts of your stepchild's personality. They each need different things from you! All of them need to feel respected, heard, and validated - just like your unique team of subselves.

        Again: having a group of different personality subselves is (almost always) normal! If you feel your stepchild is "troubled," s/he is not crazy, bad, or sick. S/He has probably formed a protective false self to survive a stressful low-nurturance environment. This is not about faulting anyone, unless you wish to blame our ignorant, wounded ancestors and laws for not adequately preparing young couples to (a) identify and heal their false-self wounds, and (b) learn parenting basics well enough before deciding to take on the enormous challenge and responsibility of raising a new, wholistically-healthy human being. 

Reality Check

        Assess where you stand on some key points now. T = True, F = False, and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends on ... (what?)"

I accept that (a) the personality of normal adults and kids is composed of semi-independent subselves, which (b) range from harmonious to chaotic in different situations. (T  F  ?) If you're skeptical, try this safe exercise, and read this letter.

I accept that (1) all stepchildren have developmental and family-adjustment needs to fill, and that (2) their adult caregivers are responsible for (a) understanding these needs and (b) patiently helping the child fill them, while (c) filling their own primary needs well enough.  (T  F  ?)

I am significantly stressed by - and concerned about - the attitudes and behavior of one or more (step)children in my life now.  (T  F  ?)

I accept that significant "troublesome behavior" in this child (e.g. "selfishness," rudeness, dishonesty, disrespect, self-neglect, lack of cooperation, etc.) probably means (a) s/he has been living in a low-nurturance environment unintentionally created by one or more wounded, unaware co-parents, and (b) the child is unaware of developing a "false self" in order to survive this environment. (T  F  ?)

I accept that "logic" (explanations, lectures) and punishments are far less likely to correct this child's false-self wounds and unacceptable behavior than (a) intentionally raising our family's nurturance-level, (b) learning how to provide consistently-effective limits and consequences in each of the child's homes, and (c) helping the child develop a harmonious personality led by her or his true Self, over time. (T  F  ?)

I (a) can name and describe each of the seven vital communication skills, and I (b) am consistently modeling and using these skills with this child now.  (T  F  ?)

I am motivated to discuss these ideas with my co-parenting partners and key family supporters now - or if not, I know why, and what to do about that.  (T  F  ?)

I am motivated now to (a) assess myself and my related co-parents for false-self wounds, and to (b) take appropriate action on the results. (T  F  ?)

What did you just learn?

Recap 

        This article offers perspective and options for relating well to - and supporting - a psychologically- wounded (vs. bad, selfish, or sick) minor or adult step/child. A key premise here is that a child's "troublesome attitudes and behaviors" are symptoms of a family-wide problem - too little psychological and spiritual nurturance, caused by co-parents' inherited wounds and unawareness.  

        The article suggests specific options to (a) stabilize any local family crisis; (b) prepare yourselves to change some key attitudes, priorities, and behaviors; (c) and intentionally raise the nurturance level of your child's environment. Start by shifting from a child-centered strategy (s/he is the problem) to a family-centered strategy (we adults are the problem).

        Then identify and reduce co-parents' wounds and unawarenesses while forming an effective co-parenting team. Identify what this wounded child needs, and agree on which adult/s should help fill which needs - while steadily filling your own needs well enough.

        Restated: help each other (1) stabilize any family crisis, and then (2) commit to working patiently together on these 12 Projects - as co-parenting teammates with shared long-term goals. If you have trouble doing that, one or more of you co-parents is surely dominated by a false self. 

        Pause and say out loud why you read this article - what did you need? Did you get what you needed? If so, what do you want to do now? If not - what do you need?

        Resources:

• this introduction to the [wounds + unawareness] cycle - slides or text

• These "foundation" articles

• These effective-co-parenting articles

• These questions about co-parenting and stepkids that adults should ask

• These strategies for analyzing and resolving most relationship problems

• These articles about stepparent-stepchild and stepsibling "problems"

• This true example of a stepfamily with a "troubled child"

• These selected books on effective co-parenting

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Updated July 18, 2008