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Trust-rebalancing options,
continued from p. 3
Are there important people in your life who distrust
something about you? If you're guided by your true Self,
does regaining their trust matter to you? Typical false selves can respond to others'
distrust with "I don't care," "That's their problem, not
mine," "That's not my fault!" and "What can
I do?
I'm a (helpless) victim here." Any of these sound
familiar?
Options for (Re)gaining
Someone Else's Trust
If
someone you care about says or implies
“I don't trust you (about something),” three possibilities are:
-
The other
person is significantly
and excessively
distrustful - in general, or of people "like
you." If so, you can do little about that, except
feel compassion (vs. scorn or pity) and perhaps
suggest they assess themselves for false-self wounds
- specially if they are a parent. Or...
-
You two had
a communication problem - i.e. the other
person misunderstood a commitment s/he thought you
made and didn't keep; or...
-
You're
significantly wounded, and your behavior with the
other person merits distrust - i.e. your
false self (a) committed to something you couldn't
do (or didn't want to), or (b) broke a promise,
lied, or otherwise disappointed or betrayed the
other person once too often.
If the last case applies to you, what can you do?
First, honestly
for false-self wounds.
If you find symptoms of them, then focus on
intentionally
them over time. If you have
symptoms of the
excessive-distrust" wound, several people may mistrust
you but haven't said so. As you work to heal all
your wounds, there are specific things you may choose to
regain someone's lost trust in you - if
they're guided by their Self.
Do you know how
to test for that?
To get the most from what follows, (re)read
where trust comes
from.
Regaining an Adult's Trust
You have more choices if your distrustful person is an
adult than a child. We'll look at your options with
suspicious kids later.
If the
distrustful one is your spouse, see
this article.
Check Your Self-trust
To regain another's trust in you, you must first trust
your ability to be consistently trust-worthy (self
trusting). The challenge here is to admit your
limitations honestly, and
avoid promising
something you're unable (vs. unwilling) to do.
You may be able to control not interrupting someone, but
not your disliking their aroma or voice quality.
Build the habit of checking whether you have an
active
subself protecting against possible discomforts. Your
energetic
may commit to something and your Procrastinator and/or
personality parts can persuade you to delay or avoid
honoring some well-meant commit-ments to yourself and/or
other people. Has that ever happened to you?
Also, be alert for your clever
and/or
convincing you that you can commit to some-thing you
can't achieve - like inventing anti-gravity or regaining
your youth. The ageless guideline here is
"Say what you
mean, and mean what you say."
Confirm the Distrust
Option - if the person hasn't said they distrust
you but you suspect they do - ask them. That might sound
like...
"(Name), I
have the feeling you don't trust me about
(whatever). Is that true?"
If the other person is governed by their Self, you'll
probably get an honest answer. If so, that opens the
door to asking why they distrust you now.
Caution - if the other person describes some
actions by you that caused their mistrust, avoid
defensive explanations and criticisms ("Well, how 'bout
the time when you (did something similar)?!"
They usually indicate your false self has taken over.
Learn
What the Other Person Really Needs
If the other adult is vague or generalizes about what
they mistrust, seek clarity on what they
from you - e.g.......
Other person
- "Well, you know, at times I just can't count on you."
(fuzzy thinking)
You:
"Can
you be more specific? You can't count on me for what?"
Other person
- "OK, I
never know if you're going to be here when you say
you will. You're late all the time."
(generalizing)
You:
"You don't trust me to be on time when I commit to
doing that, and you want (need) to trust that I'll
be here when I say I will." (This is an
statement, not a ques-tion.)
|
This example
shows that the other person may distrust one aspect of
your behavior, and trusts other things about you.
Implication - 'I don't trust you" can mean many
things - so in important relation-ships,
to
identify the real problem (unmet
|
As you learn what the other person needs to
trust about you, check for an equally important need:
respect. What happens to your respect for a person
if you don't trust something bout them?
Often, the more
things we distrust
about someone (including ourselves), the less we respect
them. Do you agree? See
this article for
more perspective and options.
Now decide whether the it's important to you to regain
their faith. If so, an option is to tell them you want
to do that - e.g. ...
"(Name), I'm
sorry I haven't been more prompt (or whatever). I
understand that's bothered you, and I'm going to be
more timely from now on. If I'll be more than 10"
late, I'll call you. If I don't make good on this, I
need you to tell me right away, OK?":
Think of an
adult who distrusts something about you now, and imagine
saying your version of this to them. Could you do so,
and mean it? Beware your false self trying to be
"nice" and making promises you can't or won't keep! If
you've promised to be "more prompt" before and haven't
done so, the issue is
can the other
person believe
any
commitment you make?
Follow Up
After trust is lost, you'll need to repeatedly
demonstrate
promised behaviors and attitude changes, rather than
talk about them. To do this without background senses of
resentment and anxiety, your Self must be steadily
guiding your inner family of talented subselves. As you
demonstrate your reliability, three options are...
-
say something like "I
hope you're aware that I've kept my promise about
(whatever) six times in a row. I'm telling you this
because I want to regain your trust." and/or...
-
"(Name,) have I regained
your trust (about whatever) yet?" Be prepared for
"not yet"; and...
-
as you make good on
tough commitments. notice how that affects your self
trust and self respect. Affirm and enjoy your
progress!
Special Case: Dishonesty
Convincing another person that you're telling them your
truth can be tough if your active subselves
haven't felt safe doing so before. If you and another
person can negotiate such safety, then how is s/he going
to determine that you're now speaking the truth? S/He'll
have to validate that through other people who know you
and your situation - which is beyond your
So meet your commitments (preserve your
and let go of the other person's reaction -
specially if s/he is ruled by a false self.
For more
perspective on and options about honesty, see
this.
Regaining Kids'
Trust
Typical dependent kids are less likely to think or say
"I don't trust you" or equivalent than honest adults.
Young kids may need help in understanding what "trust"
and "distrust" are, and may be unsure of their right to
distrust unreliable adults without shame, guilts,
and anxieties. Remember how that was?
Distrust is an
instinctive reaction to fear of discomfort and
injury. So if you perceive a child is
avoiding you physically or behaviorally (e.g. little eye
contact and/or notable silences) suspect they distrust
something about you but can't or won't say so. They also
may distrust their ability to keep themselves safe
from pain - around you or in general.
Five essential trusts all kids need with their
caregivers are: "I'm sure...
you genuinely value,
care about, and enjoy me, despite my flaws and
mistakes;
you'll genuinely respect
me as a worthy person, tho I'm weak, ignorant, and
clumsy at times;
you want to know
how I feel emotionally and physically, and
you'll
make my pain go away;
you want to help
me learn how to be OK in the world by myself; and...
you'll tell me the
truth, every time.
Recall your early years. Did you trust your main adults
at home and school with these five essen-tials? If not,
how did you (a) feel and (b) cope? If there are kids in
your life now, do you feel they trust these things about
you and other adults often enough?
The most
powerful things you can do to earn and keep a child's
trust (and respect) are to...
-
keep your Self steadily
in charge in calm and stressful times
-
learn what
and the child
each need in various situations,
-
live from an attitude of
genuine respect for them and yourself,
-
stay aware
of your and their equal
rights as
worthy persons,
-
learn how to
and
effectively, and teach the child/ren how to do
those;
-
learn how to give and
enjoy "dodge-proof"
praise;
-
take responsibility for
your primary needs, and managing your frustrations
(rather than blaming the child);
-
consistently
say what you
mean, and mean what you say; and..
-
intentionally make it
safe for the child to tell you their truth.
Learn to want to guide, teach, and discipline
respectfully.
-
(add your own ideas)
-
Inner
Children and Trust
Premise - all normal (vs.
"crazy") people have a personality composed of
several groups of talented subselves or "parts." One
is a group of marvelously talented
(plural). A second group of sub-selves ceaselessly
these developmentally-young ones from discomfort.
A common source of trust disorders is several of
these Inner Kids haven't learned to trust the wise,
resident Self, other
and a responsive Higher Power. That's partly because
they may be living in the past. So
a vital part
of false-self wound reduction is patiently
encouraging such trust using the same guidelines
(above) as with physical kids.
As your Inner kids gain trust that they really are
safe from pain and injury, they and their
attentive Guardian subselves relax, and serenity and
self confidence grow. See
this series on
effective "parts work" to learn options for
achieving this priceless state.
Every person and subself-team is unique, so view these trust-rebalancing
ideas as suggestions, not absolutes.
Recap
A primal animal urge is to avoid pain, injury, and death
in a dangerous world. An ancient human reflex to achieve
this is trust - an instinctive judgment about how
safe other beings and situations are short and
long-term.
This four-page article is part of a
series on identifying
and reducing up to six psychological wounds from a
low-nurturance childhood. One wound can be called a
"trust disorder" - compulsively trusting too much or too
little. The article provides (a) basic perspective about
trust, distrust, and betrayal; and op-tions for (b)
improving self and mutual trust in other people, and (c)
re/gaining other adults' and kids' trust in you.
A core requisite for achieving these three priceless
goals is intentionally
your wise true Self
and other Regular subselves to guide your other
subselves in all situations.
in this non-pro-fit Website and its related guidebook
Who's Really Running Your Life? provide an effective
way to do this.
+ + +
For
special applications of these rebalancing ideas, see
these articles on improving trust with your
mate, your
ex mate, or a
stepchild.
Pause and reflect:
why did you read this
article? Did you get what you needed? If so, what do you
need now? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your wise
or
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