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The Web address of this three-page article is http://sfhelp.org/basics/fears.htm

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        This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological wounds,  building high-nurturance family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness] cycle, and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help.

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

        THIS IS ONE of a series of Web pages family Project 1: adults assess themselves and important others for significant psychological wounds, and intentionally work to reduce any they find. In my exper-ience, 80% or more of troubled adults are wounded survivors of low-nurturance childhoods and don't (want to) know it. This is perhaps the most powerful of five reasons for the U.S. divorce epidemic.

        This article...

• offers perspective on excessive (vs. normal) fears,

• notes typical false-self coping strategies to deal with excessive fears;

• summarizes typical symptoms of a fear-based (vs. shame-based) person; and...

• outlines key recovery goals for this epidemic psychological wound.

  To get the most from this article, study these first:

Slide presentations about...

• personality subselves (or this text version),

• the [wounds+ unawareness] cycle (or this text version), and...

• psychological wound-recovery (or this text version).

If the slides don't display properly, see this.  And study...

Summaries of five widespread family hazards, and the core problems they usually cause;

An overview of family Project1 - false-self wound assessment and healing; and...

A true example of false-self wounds in action.

  About Excessive Fears

        To make what follows more real and less theoretical, pause and identify several things you currently worry about or fear. Then reflect on how you cope with these feelings, and describe it out loud. Notice how you feel when you do. Option - recall how each of your main childhood caregivers dealt with their anxieties, fears, and terrors, and compare their strategies to yours. What do you notice?

        Anxiety (worry), fear, and terror are instinctive neuro-hormonal responses which protect us from pain, injury, or death. When based on accurate (vs. distorted) perceptions, normal fears help to keep us safe in the world. All infants, kids, and adults have a spectrum of local and "global" fears that flux as their inner and outer worlds change moment by moment.

        Young kids deprived of effective nurturance (e.g. consistent protections) can grow up unaware of frequent anxieties and dread about ...

• Criticism, rejection, scorn, and abandonment by primary people (root - remembered terror of being shamed and/or alone and helpless); and...

• The unknown (risking change), because most childhood "surprises" yielded major physical and/or psychological pain; and young kids may live with anxieties about...

• Emotional overwhelm or disorientation - too many intense stimulations and emotions in others ands/or in themselves. This can manifest as fear of "losing control," conflict, prolonged confusion, and/or fear of feeling; and/or...

• Fear of success and/or failure (shame and guilts), as judged by inner and/or outer critics; and...

• Fear of feeling powerless;

• Fear of excessive fears; and finally...

• Fear of loss, pain, injury, illness, and death.

       When a child feels too many intense fears too often and lacks reliable safeties and protectors, they may become fear-based. Their personality is often dominated by defensive, cautious, hyper-alert subselves who believe life is unsafe and reliable help is rare. Without effective help and encouragements, such kids bring this pervasive fearful attitude into adulthood.

        If kids were ridiculed or punished for their fears ("What a pathetic scaredy cat / wimp / yellow-belly  / weakling / sissy /..."), they grow adept at minimizing, pretending, and denying them - and denying that. Being fear-based and/or shame-based is a clear symptom of false-self dominance.

Excessive Fears and Subselves

        See how you feel about these premises...

        All normal personalities are comprised of a group of dedicated semi-independent subselves, like talented players in an orchestra or sports team. Locally and over time, these inner teams range from peaceful and harmonious to conflictual and disorganized, depending on many factors.

        All anxiety, fear, and terror springs from the (a) primal instincts (like fear of spiders and snakes), and (b) ruling subselves' primal distrust that...

• they (you) can avoid pain and injury well enough, and that...

• the inner and outer environments are safe enough.

So the real psychological wounds to assess and reduce here are subselves' unawareness of or discounting each other + confusing past times with the present + excessive distrusts and reality distortions.

        Anxiety (worrying) and fear are not bad ("negative") in themselves. They're useful guides to recognizing and filling current needs (discomforts). The problem is that if fearful subselves distrust the wise, resident true Self and other "Regulars" to keep them safe, they can disable him or her and make unwise local decisions. This is like reactive rookies trying to do a veteran coach's or manager's job.

The over-scared subselves are usually inner children who live in the past, and their attentive Guardian subselves. Skilled inner-family therapy or equivalent can raise their Self-trust and inner confidence, and empower the true Self to lead - which brings excessive fears down to normal.

        False-self fears are usually unconscious reflexes, not rational responses. So trying to "reason" with a fear-based child or adult risks raising their anxiety, guilt, shame, and confusion, and your frustration. Blaming or scorning a person for being too anxious, or discounting their feeling ("You have nothing to fear"), risks increasing their subselves' certainty that they're wrong and bad. Reassurances (vs. empathic acknowledgement of fear) are often really about reducing the reassurer's discomfort. Do you agree?

        False-self anxieties and fears usually have several levels. There's one or more conscious, surface fears that you can describe ("I don't like speaking in front of a group."). Underneath that are one or more semiconscious or unconscious fears ["I (my subselves) get nervous, stutter, and say dumb things, so people laugh at me and disrespect me, and I feel embarrassed and stupid"]. Often there's an even deeper core terror with roots in hazy or forgotten childhood trauma ("If I talked at family or public meals, Dad always jeered at me in front of everyone - I felt so bad!")

        Before true wound-reduction, false-self fears, shame, and guilts often reinforce each other. Many fear-based people are also shame-based. Their dominant subselves believe they're inadequate, worthless, and unlovable. So they automatically fear risking (or even thinking) various things, and then feel guilty and ashamed for "being a spineless wimp" (in their tireless Inner Critic's view).

        This is like an athletic team or orchestra being dominated by several insecure players who scorn themselves and the group despite the coach's or conductor's attempts to affirm, develop, and harmonize their real talents.

        Excessive fear can amplify itself: fear of intense emotions can manifest as "I'm scared to feel how afraid I am...," which promotes coping strategies like those below - which promote shame, guilt, and compound insecurities. These all reinforce false-self dominance, until proactive wound- recovery .

        People in true (vs. pseudo) recovery from false-self wounds can learn to dig down and identify what their distrustful subselves really need, and then fill them. Uncovering root fears helps to reduce surface fears ("Before I speak to a group now, I reassure my scared inner kids that Dad's not in the audience, my ideas are important and legitimate, and that we're OK whether people laugh at us or not.")

Typical False-self Strategies to Manage Fear

        From trial and error, dominant personality subselves develop habitual ways to cope with their fears and other inner wounds. These ways become semi-conscious or unconscious (reflexive), until wound-healing progress makes them conscious. Some common strategies are...

        Any of these look familiar? Until in true (vs. pseudo) wound-recovery, habitual fear-protections like these tend to reinforce each other - e.g. "I feel stupid and guilty for catastrophizing all the time, so I minimize my worries, don't think about them, 'keep busy,' and I don't tell other people how uneasy I am most of the time. I know I shouldn't do these things so much, but I can't help it."

Continue with common symptoms of this wound, and recovery options. Do you need a break first?

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Updated  August 25, 2008