• home > site overview > site map, directory, or search > Q&A, Project-1 links, Solutions article, or other page > here

  The Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/wounds/shame.htm

        Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.

        This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological wounds,  building high-nurturance family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness] cycle, and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help.

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

+ + +

        THIS TWO-PAGE ARTICLE is one of a series on family Project 1: learning about, assessing for, and reducing up to six significant false-self (psychological) wounds. It offers perspective on...

• Introduction to the crippling wound of excessive shame ("low self esteem"), and how it compares to excessive guilt;

• "Shame 101": how excessive shame relates to pride, self respect, humility, egotism, embarrass-ment, assertiveness, and wound-recovery;

• Typical behavioral symptoms of this epidemic psychological wound, and...

• Practical suggestions on how to shift excessive shame toward healthy self-respect and self-love as part of reducing false-self dominance.

        To get the most from this article, study these first:

An introduction to personality subselves - slides or text,

An overview of the [wounds+ unawareness] cycle - slides or text

An overview of psychological wound-reduction - slides or text

Overviews of Grown Wounded Children (GWCs) and what their wounds usually mean

An overview of family Project1 - false-self wound assessment and healing

A research summary on the fragility of self esteem,

A true example of false-self wounds in action, and...

A sample Bill of Personal Rights

Perspective: Excessive Shame and Guilts

        Can you describe  to an average pre-teen what emotions are, and how to use them to raise life-satisfaction? Each of our uncomfortable (vs. "negative") emotions (e.g. greed, envy, anxiety, confusion, "depression," resentment, rage, guilt, shame, etc.) can help us identify and fill current primary needs. Do you see all your emotions as "positive" and "useful" now?

        When any emotion becomes too intense and too frequent, it can unbalance our daily life and stress our relationships. Moderate shame and guilt help to balance our daily lives and fill key needs. When these feelings are too intense and/or too frequent, they degrade our wholistic health in significant ways. To re-duce excessive guilt and shame to "moderate" (healthy), you need to know clearly what they each are. See how this compares to your ideas:

          Shame is a set of related thoughts, feelings, and a belief: "I’m a worthless, defective, unlovable person, no matter what anyone says!" Chronic shame clearly signals: "I need to learn how to...

• reduce sources of old shame (like endlessly reliving past "failures" and embarrassments),

• avoid new sources of shame, and I need to...

• develop genuine self-respect and self-love - i.e. "I need to promote myself to equal."

          Guilt is a primal reaction to believing or being told "I broke an important rule - a should (not), ought (not), cannot, or must (not). I made a mistake / screwed up / blew it - I did something wrong" (in someone's opinion).

        Remember thinking and feeling that? The next inner voice you probably heard whispered or bellowed "...and I'm bad!" That's how guilts and our tireless Inner Critic help to nourish our powerful Shamed Child, Guilty Child, and their devoted Guardian subselves.

        Significant guilts - specially those that recur - are signs that we need to intentionally...

Identify clearly what rule/s our subselves feel we broke (e.g. "I must always tell the truth."),

Discern if we made the rule, or we're blindly following someone else's rule we learned in childhood; and...

If useful, seek to understand why we broke the rule ("I didn't feel safe to tell the truth."); and...

If we're living by someone else's rules, thoughtfully evolve and use our own rules for living.

        And significant guilt signals that we need to...

Decide if, when, and how to forgive (a) ourselves, and (b) apologize sincerely (vs. dutifully) to people we've harmed and/or hurt.

        Guilts and shame often occur together and feel the same, so we tend to merge them. Because of this, they're combined here into one of six false-self wounds. Converting excessive shame into genuine self respect and self-love is a very different process than reducing excessive guilts to normal. Both are vital steps in recovering from the toxic effects of false-self dominance.

        See if this helps you distinguish between these two universal stressors...

        See these articles on reducing excessive guilts and effective forgiveness. The rest of this article focuses on exploring shame "basics," and shifting excessive shame ("low self esteem") toward non-egotistical self-respect and self-love. Let's start by reviewing some important...

Basics: Shame 101

        Let's explore these questions:

• Where does shame "come from"?

• What causes  early shame?

• What happens to early shame as we grow up?

• When does shame become excessive?

• How does excessive shame relate to...

  • humiliation and embarrassment?

  • pride and humility?

  • submission and assertion (communication effectiveness)?

  • addictions (toxic compulsions) and addiction-recovery? and...

  • false-self wound reduction?

• What's the opposite of excessive shame?; and finally...

• What are common symptoms of excessive shame and guilts?

        Option - pause, reflect, and try answering each of these questions out loud now. Perhaps imagine doing so with an inquiring pre-teen. Then compare your answers to these premises...

  Where does shame come from?

       Before we infants evolved a vocabulary and learn to "think," we often experienced powerful "good me" and "bad me" senses or feelings. These came from decoding our caregivers' voice tones, facial expressions, and behaviors; and the tranquility or tension in our environment.

        Repeatedly experiencing caregiver smiles, friendly-faces, loving eye contact, tenderness, holding, gentle touchings and voice-sounds, and relaxed breast feeding build core security and "good me" feelings. Chronic absence of those experiences creates a core "bad me" attitude. This can happen when a primary caregiver - usually female - is overwhelmed and/or wounded and unable to bond. It may also happen if the infant wasn't a genuinely wanted conception.

        Restated: irregular, painful caregiver behaviors and physical and emotional deprivations shape a vulnerable young child's primal self-perception. Inadequate nurturance promotes the early formation of one or more young personality subselves who believe and feel intensely "I'm bad - not OK." One reason that excessive shame is often the most denied false-self wound and can take the longest to heal is that its roots may be pre-verbal.

  What causes our early shame?

        Experiences like...

Our main caregivers being controlled by conflicted subselves. If we get more "bad you" than "good you" signals from one or more wounded caregivers like Mom and Dad, or if they're inconsistent  (mixed messages), then "bad me" feelings often grow.

Our caregivers ignoring us. Getting little or no attention, pre-vocal infants and young kids are apt to feel "I have no power," and "I don't matter - I'm worthless." Without other consistent "good me" messages, "I don't matter" becomes as matter-of-fact as fingers and toes, which has nothing to do with logic or reality.

Our early smallness, weakness, lack of coordination, and ignorance are daily opportunities to compare ourselves to the awesome "giants" that tend us, and to repeatedly conclude
"(compared to them) I'm so bad / stupid / clumsy / weak / ...";

Another root of early shame is...

Our caregivers behaving in shaming vs. loving ways ("Maria, you are so stupid!") Caregiver name-calling, sarcasm, impatience, swearing, "the you-disgust-me look," jeering, belittling, degrading, scorning, lack of friendly eye contact, frustration, impatience, and painful physical contacts all nourish our "bad me / I'm worthless" belief - i.e. our powerful Shamed Child and low self esteem.

Caregivers not teaching us the difference between doing wrong and being wrong (bad). e.g. "Max, lying is really bad. You lied to me." (so you're a really bad person.)

If caregivers allow siblings, relatives, teachers, or friends to hurt and humiliate us (i.e. if they neglect our dignity, comfort, and security), our shame and anxieties relentlessly increase;

If our caregivers use us to satisfy their own needs without caring or understanding how that affects us, we learn that our needs and feelings are unimportant or don't exist;

If the people around us young kids seldom listen to what we're trying to say, or if they interrupt or laugh at us for trying to express ourselves, we're apt to learn "I'm not worth listening to."

If our main adults want to do the reverse of these things and lovingly attend our early developmental needs (nurture well), our young subselves come to feel "I'm good / lovable / OK / worthy" over time. This is a primal source of self-respect, self-trust (confidence), and self love.

 What happens to early shame as we grow?

        As we develop our wisdom and vocabulary, our evolving personality subselves generate constant "inner voices" or thought streams. Most (all?) of us who were neglected and shamed too often in our early years automatically develop an "inner voice" which can be called our Inner Critic, Shamer, or Critical/Mean Parent.

        When our original shamers aren't around, this well-meaning Guardian subself diligently carries on their work. S/He fills our heads with harsh criticisms and comments like "Your socks don't match (you're so stupid)," and "How could you possibly forget Alex's birthday?" A common companion "voice" comes from our Perfectionist subself. S/He relentlessly lets us know of our endless (shameful) failures. Do you have these inner voices?

        Some young kids also evolve a judgmental Preacher/Moralizer subself, which ceaselessly augments the Critic by pronouncing rigid right/wrong, good/bad judgments about us and other people.

        These diligent subselves mean well, just as your shaming, blaming (wounded, overwhelmed) caregivers (and theirs) did.

  How does shame relate to humiliation and embarrassment?

        Shameful thoughts and feelings are a private experience. Embarrassment is the feeling that occurs when our shameful traits and behaviors are exposed publicly - specially to people who's admiration, protection, and respect matters most to us.

        Reality check: can you feel embarrassed if you're alone? We can embarrass ourselves, or others may do that "to" us, if we're not clear on our personal identity and human rights. The emotion of humiliation blooms when we or another disgrace (dis-grace) our self-image and/or social image in public. Ridicule occurs when others (and/or our harsh Critic/Shamer subself) imply or express their scornful (disrespectful)  criticism of our actions, traits, appearance, ideas, and/or beliefs.

  When does normal (healthy) shame become excessive?

        All our emotions range from faint to extreme - e.g. "unease" to panic, and annoyance (irritation) to rage. Moderate (normal) shame is helpful. Like moderate guilt, this primal emotion alerts us to adjust our attitudes and behaviors to avoid significant discomforts. For example, feeling "I'm ashamed because I'm often late to school or work," can motivate learniing why and how to be more prompt.

        By definition, when normal shame is balanced by a steady, positive self-perception...

• it does not seriously degrade our overall self-esteem or relationships or...

• cause "too many" of the symptoms below, according to an objective observer.

        Note that you can feel "global" self respect ("I'm a good person..."), and still feel "local" shame and guilts about one or more of your social roles (responsibilities) - e.g. "...but I'm ashamed and guilty that I'm not a better parent / sibling / neighbor / spouse / Baptist / citizen / bus driver / pianist / tennis player / voter...").

        Well-intentioned false selves will try to distort reality to protect against the pain of admitting excessive shame. If your resident true Self is free to lead your other subselves, s/he will (a) admit it without undue guilt or self-scorn, and (b) evolve an effective plan to reduce it and other significant false-self wounds over time.

Healthy shame becomes excessive when it chronically inhibits our wholistic health, relationships, productivity, hopes, dreams, integrity, and enjoyment of ourselves and our life. That can manifest in many ways.

 How does excessive shame relate to pride and humility?

        How would you define personal pride to an average pre-teen? How would your childhood caregivers define it? Have you ever felt pride in yourself or someone else? How would minor kids you care about define it? Were you taught that pride is a "sin" and/or a sign of self-centeredness, a swelled head, and/or egotism? Typical shame-based survivors of childhood neglect are often taught toxic beliefs like this.

        Premise: healthy pride is a normal (reflexive) feeling of approval, respect, admiration, and appreciation for a person's or a group's traits, talents, goals, and achievements. Excessive pride ("I am / we are / they are / better than others") is called egotism, elitism, racism, and/or bigotry.

        These always foster hurt, resentment, antagonism, conflict, anxiety, distrust, and low-nurturance relationships and families. The Japanese ancestral tradition of "face," cross-cultural attitudes of gender, political, religious, and ethnic superiority, and machismo (e.g. Native American, Latino, Arab, and African) are tragic examples of inherited culturally-sanctioned elitism that promote excessive shame. So is the religious tradition of male superiority justified by "Holy Scripture."

        Humility is internally and socially minimizing your personal traits, talents, assets, status, and achievements. It can range from healthy ("I see me or us as being of equal dignity and worth to other persons or groups") to toxic ("I/we are inferior to other persons or groups, and undeserving of (healthy satisfactions - like personal and group pride"). Humility can be genuine or fake (strategic), and moderate (healthy) to toxic (excessive). When denied and/or justified ("It's God's commandment"), toxic humility promotes...

• excessive personal and/or group shame, and...

• false-self development and wounding in minor kids. 

What were you taught about humility as a child? What are you teaching your kids about it? See this for perspective on the pervasive Christian value of excessive humility and the "mortal sin" of personal pride.

        Recall - we're exploring aspects of the epidemic false-self wound of toxic shame.

 How does excessive shame relate to submission and assertion?

        Sometimes submitting (giving in) to others' needs, values, and opinions promotes social harmony and cooperation. Compulsive and/or fear-based submission suggests significant false-self wounding. Typical shame-based survivors of low-nurturance childhoods often unconsciously feel inferior - i.e. that they don't deserve or expect social respect, fairness, or equal consideration with others' needs and opinions. 

        Assertion is the vital relationship skill of knowing and respectfully (vs. timidly or aggressively) declaring your needs, opinions, and limits. As kids, average Grown Nurtured Children (GNCs) are taught to respect their own rights, values, and needs as much as other people's, and (often) to assert them with confidence.

        Typical Grown Wounded Children (GWCs) are not taught this, and may assert with ambivalence, timidity (anxiety), or not at all. They grow used to enduring the uncomfortable results of sending chronic "I'm 1-down" R(espect) messages to other people, and often don't get their needs met well or at all.

       Intentionally reducing excessive shame and guilts over time as part of false-self wound reduction  promotes genuine self-respect, shifting chronic submission to feeling true equality, and calm, firm, effective assertions.

 How does excessive shame relate to addictions (toxic compulsions)?

         This nonprofit site proposes that any true addiction is...

• a sure sign of a low-nurturance ("dysfunctional") family;

• a reliable sign of significant personal inner pain and false-self wounds; and...

• a desperate strategy by protective Guardian subselves to self-medicate (reduce, numb, distract from) that pain - despite toxic results. True addictions always provide this local relief - and relentlessly increase the inner pain that promotes them.

        Believing "I am worthless, bad, and unlovable!" and its social results are painful! So excessive shame and guilts and other major factors (like a low-nurturance environment) promote addictions (self-medication) and are amplified by them over time. That's why true addictions are inexorably progressive, despite painful consequences.

This view implies that addictions are NOT a "disease" or a shameful "character defect," but a normal, unconscious false-self  response to significant inner pain. Believing the former relentlessly increases subselves' excessive shame and pain - i.e. makes things worse!

        The self-destructive pain > addiction > more pain spiral continues until the person dies prematurely or hits true bottom and commits to true addiction recovery - i.e. to finding another way to reduce their inner pain. Stable addiction recovery ("sobriety") is required for effective wound-reduction and empowering the resident true Self to guide and harmonize the other personality subselves.

        See this series of articles for more perspective on addictions and maintaining true sobriety. 

 How does excessive shame relate to false-self wound reduction?

        To better understand what follows. read this overview of wound-recovery (if you haven't recently), and return,

        Most people who hit true bottom and commit to personal wound-reduction ("recovery") will have to break long-held protective denials to admit and reduce excessive shame and guilts. These wounds are usually caused by a powerful, reactive Shamed Child, a Guilty Child, perhaps other Inner Kids, and their tireless narrowly-focused Guardian subselves.

        Subselves' core belief that "I'm not worthy or lovable" can block other subselves' seeking wound-recovery, and/or sabotage their efforts to empower the wise resident true Self to lead. This is specially likely when fearful, distrustful subselves perceive wound-recovery as unneeded, unsafe, hopeless, and/or "too hard."

        Because true shame is so painful and has been disguised and denied for decades, establishing a trusting relationship between Self and a resident Shamed Child (and similar subselves) is often the last step in harmonizing personality subselves. It typically takes great patience, sensitivity, and compassion to accomplish in the host person and any professional recovery guide and supporters. This is most likely if the recovering person intentionally chooses a support network of people led by their true Selves.

Continue with perspective on the opposite of excessive shame, typical symptoms of this psychological wound, and a summary of typical shame-conversion goals.

        Do you need a break first?

<<  Prior page  /  Add to favorites  /  Print page  Email this article's address  >>

 home  /  site overview  /  directory  /  site map  /  Q&A  /