Wound: Excessive Shame

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The Web address of this two-page article is page is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/wounds/shame.htm

Continued...

  What's the opposite of excessive shame?

        Non-egotistical pride, Self love, Self respect, and self-nurturance (vs. self neglect) describe the opposite of excessive shame. These come from key attitudes steadily held by your governing subselves in most or all situations and relationships. A key attitude is some version of this...

 "I am a good, valuable, useful, lovable child / adult / person no matter what anyone else says or implies. I have talents to develop (and non-shameful limitations) which empower me to bring unique value and worth to our world."

        Another set empowering attitudes and beliefs is in an authentic Bill of Personal Rights like this.

         Excessive shame and guilt (a) powerfully affect all life experiences, expectations, and relationships, and (b) amplify all other false-self wounds. Recovery authority John Bradshaw calls toxic shame "the gift that goes on giving," referring to parents' unintentionally passing on their own ancestral shame to their kids.

        Without hitting bottom and patient wound-recovery, they're at major risk of growing up and doing the same... Has that invisible bequest affected anyone you know? For more perspective, see this succinct review of the power of positive self esteem by Dr. Nathaniel Branden. I also recommend Bradshaw's practical book Healing the Shame That Binds You.

        How can you tell is someone (like you) has the false-self wounds of excessive shame and/or guilts?

  Typical Symptoms of Excessive Shame and Guilt

        There are many - all caused by the psychologically-powerful Shamed Child, Guilty Child, and their tireless Guardian subselves. These symptoms are suggestive, not proof of these crippling false-self wounds. The more of these traits a person has, the more likely s/he is shame-based (ruled by a false self) and needs to hit bottom and commit to personal wound-recovery.

        See if you recognize any of these traits...

1)  Having a rigid core belief, like...“I am a bad, weak, unlovable, undeserving, inept, unattractive, stupid, powerless, worthless (person / man / woman / partner / parent / child).”

2)  Being excessively zealous, defensive, rigid, dogmatic, and/or “preachy” about "sin," moral righteousness; God; the Devil; the Bible, Torah, or Koran; Hell; “the one true religion,” and/or about being “damned” or “saved.”

3)  Habitual self-centeredness: significant egotism.

4)  Having one or more active addictions to substances (including fat, sugar, and some carbohydrates), activities (e.g. work, spending, gambling, pornography, or working out), certain relationships (codependence), and/or emotional states (e.g. excitement, rage, spiritual ecstasy, or sexual arousal and release. 

5)  Constant belittling, discounting, and criticizing one’s self and/or others.

6)  Repeatedly choosing menial jobs below personal capabilities; Avoiding “responsibilities” excessively. 

7)  A compulsion to rescue needy or hurting others; championing and identifying with “the underdogs.”

8)  Having few or no real friends; and/or being consistently drawn to other (unrecovering) wounded, needy companions and partners.

9)  Excessive social isolation or a compulsion to socialize and be charming and the center of attention.

10)  Excessive sensitivity and defensiveness to imagined or actual criticism or rejection.

11)  Habitually avoiding eye contact, and being apologetic or defensive about that. 

12)  Often misperceiving neutral feedback as criticism, and/or wrongly assuming unspoken criticisms.

13)  Excessive concern with personal and/or social blame and fault-finding.

14)  Feeling "irrationally" guilty and/or anxious about earned successes (The "Imposter Syndrome").

15)  Obsessing about “my rights” or "I (don't) deserve...," or “equality" or "fairness." 

16)  Endlessly focusing on past “mistakes” in private or publicly.

17)  Habitually putting one’s own opinions, needs, and welfare last (vs. equal).

18)  Having an unreasonable fear of “failing,” "losing," or “making mistakes.”

19)  Never admitting “mistakes” or apologizing or reflexively apologizing all the time.

More common symptoms of excessive shame and guilt... 

20)  Habitually unflattering, inappropriate, and/or “sloppy” clothing, grooming, and/or hygiene. 

21)  Obsessive concern with personal, professional, social, vehicle, and/or dwelling appearances.

22)  Compulsive perfectionism ("I can't help it"), and/or a driven need to "win," and/or “be the best," or "number 1.”

23)  Compulsively “shading the truth” or lying directly or by omission, and denying it to avoid expected ridicule, criticism, or disapproval (also a symptom of excessive fears).

24)  Notable self neglect - e.g. resisting or avoiding appropriate medical care: rarely or never seeing a doctor, dentist, gynecologist, or eye specialist for checkups or illnesses; not getting or taking prescribed medications; poor personal hygiene;.

25)  Choosing unhealthy diets, habits (e.g. smoking), lack of exercise, and/or toxic environments; and ignoring, deflecting, minimizing, intellectualizing (explaining/analyzing), or joking about this

26)  Rarely buying anything “nice” or “special” for one’s self, or taking fun trips or vacations.

27)  Deflecting and/or rejecting deserved compliments, and “being very hard on myself.”

28)  Chronically giving time and energy to others, and getting little or nothing in return.

29)  Avoiding self-assessment for false-self wounds, and/or true personal recovery.

30)  Repeatedly choosing, justifying, and tolerating relationships, situations, and/or environments which promote major shame, guilt, and anxieties.

31)  Repeatedly taking risks that result in self-harm, humiliation, and/or loss of self and social respect. Denying or justifying an active addiction is a prevalent example.

32)  Rarely requesting or demanding what one wants, or doing so anxiously and expecting rejection, rather than asserting calmly; Being timid, passive, quiet, reserved, or aggressive, self-centered, and/or a bully.

33)  Not setting and/or enforcing wholistically-healthy limits (boundaries) with one's Self and others.

34)  Tolerating and/or justifying a core belief like “I don’t deserve or expect success, love, security, comfort, friends, and/or nice things.”

35)  Self-sabotage: repeatedly “setting one’s self up” for failure, disappointment, frustration, and/or losses, and feeling or saying “I can’t help it,” "it doesn't matter," "I don't care," or "I deserve it."

36)  Frequently choosing long-suffering victim, saint, or martyr roles in key relationships and social settings, and not questioning why.

37)  Choosing a direct-contact human-service profession - e.g. clergy, counseling, medicine, education, law enforcement, consulting, coaching, training, driving public vehicles, customer service, casework, ... (yes, there are exceptions!)

The more of these shame-traits you or another person has, the higher the odds you or s/he is dominated by a false self. That's the primary wound-assessment goal, not just testing for excessive shame and/or guilt. To reduce the odds of protective false-self distortions, fill out all 11 other Project-1 symptom checklists before drawing any conclusions.

Typical Shame-reduction Goals and Options

        If you find credible evidence of significant false-self dominance, the overarching goals are to (a) evolve and (b) patiently implement an effective personal recovery plan to free your Self (capital "S") to lead and harmonize your other subselves (personality).

        This takes many forms, and requires many months' work toward replacing habitual distortions with clear self-awareness, experimenting with more productive attitudes and behaviors, and learning from the results. While you're getting your subselves to trust your Self, focus on healing the other five wounds over time - in this case, reducing (vs. "curing") excessive shame and guilts to healthy levels.

        Goal: convert excessive shame to healthy self-respect and self-love - promote yourself from inferior to equal, while nurturing equal respect and love for other people and living things.

        Premise: excessive shame occurs because...

• when your Shamed Child and/or your tireless Perfectionist and Inner Critic subselves perceive that you've "been bad," they activate - cause significant thoughts and feelings. These may be a,mplified by a stern Moralizer/Preacher subself. One or more of these normal subselves...

• blend with (take over) your Self, flooding you with their feelings and thoughts of your worthlessness and unlovability. If other people saw the external reason for this ("At the party last night, I forgot my best friend's name!"), other subselves may add their own feelings of intense guilt and shame  (embarrassment and humiliation).

• These thoughts and feelings may trigger a well-meaning Catastrophizer subself, who exaggerates and generalizes them ("No one could possibly love or care for me. I'll die alone, unloved, and probably homeless."); and...

• Other Guardian subselves work ceaselessly to distract, soothe, numb, and comfort your Shamed and/or Guilty Inner Children. These young subselves and their Guardians are often the hardest to access and heal, and bring the greatest relief in true wound-recovery.

        There are many ways to improve self-esteem and self-respect over time. This site proposes inner-family therapy as an effective way to achieve those, via steps or subgoals like these:

Reorganize and Retrain your Subselves

        Confirm that your Shamed and Guilty inner Children and their Guardians are sources of your excessive shame. Also assess for the (probable) presence of Inner Critic and Perfectionist subselves who constantly proclaim stern beliefs of worthlessness which activate the young Vulnerables (inner children).

        Explore whether any subselves are living in the toxic past, and are using outdated perceptions and beliefs. If so, build such subselves' trust in your Self, your Higher Power, and other key subselves (e.g. your Nurturer), and work to bring each subself safely to live in the present and join your inner family.

        Retrain your Inner Critic to trust the judgment of your Higher Power and your Self, and to switch from sarcastic criticism and self-blame to constructive feedback and encouragement. Option: evolve a Bill of Personal Rights, and teach it to all your subselves.

        Then learn the communication skills of respectful assertion and empathic listening, and experiment with asserting and living by your Rights. Expect and confront inner and outer "resistance" to these new values – they'll disturb insecure subselves! Learning to assert and problem-solve effectively is the focus of family  Project 2. If you come from a low-nurturance childhood, your caregivers probably never knew or modeled these basics and vital skills.

        Identify any subselves who promote self-neglect ("I don't deserve to be healthy, happy, and fulfilled.") These often include a Saboteur, ("Oh come on – another slice of cake won't hurt!"), a zealous People Pleaser  ("Always think of the other guy!"), a Good Child ("We can't disagree with Mom or Dad!), and/or an Addict, who pairs up with your reality-distorting Magician ("You are not addicted – you can quit any time. Don't sweat it.") Work with each of them to grow trust in your Self, Higher Power, Nurturer, Adult, and other subselves and selected people to keep your group of Inner Kids safe.

        Facilitate the relationship between your resident Nurturer (Good Mom / Good Dad) and the Shamed Child and Guilty Child. The Nurturer's gift and ceaseless goal is to care for needy subselves and people. As recovery progresses and inner-team awareness and harmony grows, redirect your Guardian subselves' energy to more productive roles in your personality - e.g. to become or assist a Health Director, or equivalent.

        Patiently help your shamed subselves to change their inaccurate beliefs to genuine self-acceptance, respect, appreciation, and compassion – i.e. to non-egotistical self-love. I have witnessed this life-changing transformation (over time) in many Self-directed clients in true (vs. pseudo) recovery. Skillfully used, the powerful inner-family therapy technique of redoing can help achieve this vital second-order (permanent) change.

        The second major way to reduce this false-self wound is to...

Learn to Avoid Sources of New Shame

        Develop an effective strategy to (a) avoid shaming (wounded) people, and (b) evolve and assert re-spectful boundaries and consequences with them. This subgoal often results in reducing or ending toxic relationships with significantly-wounded mates, relatives, friends, and/or employers.

        It can also promote healthy shifts away from shaming religious beliefs, practices, and environments ("You're a weak, selfish, unclean sinner by nature. Only a gracious God can save your soul from damnation.") Excessive shame seems to be one taproot of codependence (relationship addiction). The other root is young subselves' outdated terror of abandonment. True recovery reduces both of these over time!

        Bottom line: excessive guilt and shame are common signs of protective false-self dominance in survivors of low-nurturance childhoods. Unseen, they combine with up to five other false-self wounds to lower life and relationship quality, and potentially injure vulnerable descendents. Each of these wounds has distinct behavioral symptoms.

       Patient self-motivated personal wound-recovery can convert  excessive shame and guilt into true self acceptance and respect, self-love, and forgiveness over time. Excessive shame and guilt are reduced differently. See this for options on the latter 

        Recall: this is one of 12 false-self symptom-checklists in Project-1. When you feel finished assessing for excessive shame and guilt, continue your wound-assessment process, or learn more about "scoring" your results and/or wound-recovery, or study other Project-1 articles, the related guidebook, and/or other recovery-related books.

Recap

        This two-page article is one of a series on six common false-self wounds incurred by typical survivors of too little childhood nurturance (Grown Wounded Children, or GWCs). It offers perspective on the normal human emotions of shame ("low self esteem") and guilt, and on the epidemic false-self wounds of excessive shame and guilts.

        The article proposes (a) experience-based answers to common questions about this wound, (b) common symptoms of it, and (c)  practical wound-reduction goals. This article and Web site differentiate shame from guilt because they're caused and reduced differently, tho they feel the same.