Break the [wounds + unawareness] and guard your descendents
	When Abuse is Not Abuse The vital difference between abuse and aggression By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

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        This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological wounds, building high-nurtur-ance family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness] cycle, and preventing divorce. This intro-duction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help.

        Before continuing, (a) read this brief research summary, and (b) reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

+ + +

        THIS article assumes you're familiar with...

• the premises underlying all content in this nonprofit Web site

• normal personality subselves - slides or text,

• an introduction to Grown Wounded Children (GWC); and...

• this introduction to anger and frustration.

        The article...

• clarifies the difference between abuse and aggression, and notes four types of abuse;

• proposes the value of knowing when to use each of these terms; and...

• suggests key options for responding effectively to abuse and aggression..

        Have you ever felt "abused"? Would anyone say you have been "abusive" to them or someone else? Do you know an "abusive" person? Keep your answers in mind as you read...

Abuse vs. Aggression

        Before reading further, say your definitions of abuse and aggression out loud. Then compare your ideas with what follows...

       Like child or elder neglect, abuse is an inflammatory word which is often misunderstood and mis-used. Using these terms appropriately reduces the chance of conflict and misunderstanding, and may help in false-self wound reduction (family Project 1).

Three things must be clearly true for behavior to be abuse. Otherwise, the behavior is aggres-sion. "You were aggressive with me" feels less insulting and provocative then "You abused me!" to most shame-based people. Which would you rather hear?

Three Requisites for Abuse

1) One person must control and provide something that the other person depends on and can’t provide for themselves. In child and elder abuse, this manifests in a person being sig-nificantly dependent on their caregivers for shelter, food, clothing, health care, education, transportation, protection, and other life-necessities.

2) The provider must...

• intentionally gratify some personal needs by using the dependent person...

• ...in a way that significant harms the dependent person emotionally, mentally, physically, and/or spiritually.

For example, gratifying sexual needs against a dependent person’s will always causes major harm (trauma) in all three domains. And...

3) The dependent person must be unable (vs. unwilling) to safely (a) defend themselves or (b) withdraw from the providing-person’s harmful behavior. People differ on what constitutes "significant harm" and "safely."

        The dominant subselves controlling some wounded people may believe that they can't protect themselves or leave an abusive relationship safely, so they endure accumulating harm that they really could avoid.

        Do you know anyone who would dispute this three-factor definition? What would they lose if they accepted this as accurate?

Four Kinds of Abuse

        One person can abuse another verbally, physically, sexually, and/or spiritually. Often these occur simultaneously. They can occur suddenly or gradually. For example, caregivers who significantly neglect the developmental (vs. physical) needs of dependent kids over some years can be said to be "gradually abusive." The resulting psychological wounds are the same either way.

        For example, if an adult yells obscenities, threats, or shaming insults at a dependent child (verbal abuse); or whips, burns, starves, or chains them up (physical abuse), that is clearly "child abuse." So is an adult intentionally scaring a naive child with vivid forecasts of a demanding, wrathful God vengefully punishing them for being "bad" by forcing them to "burn forever in hell" (spiritual abuse).

        Each of these four types of abuse causes the receiver...

• significant shame, guilt, fear (anxiety), confusion, and physical and/or psychological injury and pain. And abuses usually...

• hinder the receiver from filling some current needs.

        By definition, all significant caregiver neglect of (a) dependent kids and disabled adults and (b) themselves is passive abuse. Other common examples are abandoning, scaring, excessive threatening, starving, confining, intentionally embarrassing, deceiving, bullying, harassing, and excessive teasing.

Verbal abuse is any vocal or written behavior that causes excessive or chronic hurt, shame, guilt, anxi-ety, confusion, disappointment, loss, or injury in the receiver. Common examples:

• threatening ("If you don't stop bawling and blubbering, I'll give you something to cry about!")

• name-calling ("How did you get to be so incredibly spineless, stupid, and ugly?"),

• scaring (vs. alerting) ("If you play with yourself, young man, your eyes will fall out!");

• shaming ("It's clear to me that no sane person is going to love you - ever!");

• disparaging ("You'll never amount to anything! Who would want to hire you?"); and...

• disappointing  ("Sorry I missed your game. I know I said I'd come, but, well, you know...") etc.

Physical abuse is any intentional or thoughtless behavior that causes significant bodily harm or pain to a dependent or helpless receiver. It is usually emotionally abusive too.

        Examples: whipping; severe pinching; excessive tickling; burning; poisoning; cutting; forced feeding and/or enemas; starving, unnecessary injections; smothering; holding under water; tripping; non-playful punching, slapping, kicking, and hair pulling; pushing down stairs; etc.

Sexual abuse is characterized by the abuser satisfying sensual and/or sexual needs in a way that injures the other person psychologically and/or physically. This type of abuse does not have to involve physical contact - e.g. forcing a child to witness or listen to sexual behavior or language before they're developmentally ready to understand it. Depending on many factors, sexual abuse - specially incest - can be exceptionally traumatic to average kids. See this for more perspective. 

Spiritual abuse is any intentional behavior that uses spirituality and/or religion to cause excessive shame, guilt, anxiety or terror, or unhealthy, dangerous, unhealthy, or criminal activities. Some people also consider willful behavior that blocks healthy personal spiritual growth in a dependent person as abusive. See this article for more perspective.

Abusive behaviors - specially if habitual - usually indicate that the abuser is a significantly- wounded survivor of a low-nurturance childhood, dominated by a false self. Self-motivated personal recovery via Project 1 or similar can significantly reduce abusive and neglectful behaviors over time. Learning to apply effective-communication skills - specially assertion (boundary-setting and enforce-ment) - can help (some) abuse victims defend themselves, within limits.

Aggression, Submission, and Assertion

        Most social behavior can be typed as aggressive, submissive, assertive, or "disengaged." Can you describe the difference?

        Think of someone you feel is often aggressive. What criteria do you use to judge this? Are you aggressive at times? What do you feel and do when someone is aggressive with you? Do you feel aggression is usually or always "positive," "negative," or neither? How does this compare with what your childhood caregivers thought? Here, "aggression" occurs when person A tries c/overtly to fill their needs by using person B, without caring about B's needs or feelings.

        Now think of someone you feel is submissive. How does this behavior affect your respect for the person? Would others describe you as submissive at times or often? Premise - submission is choosing to put someone else's needs, opinions, or values ahead of yours in order to avoid imagined discomfort. Habitual submission invites social disrespect, discounting, and exploitation (being used).

        Chronic or compulsive submission is often a sign of being shame-based and ruled by a tireless false self - e.g. one or more Inner Kids, a protective Peacemaker, People Pleaser, Victim/Martyr, and perhaps a diligent Worrier. Such people often are ineffective communicators, because they feel inferior  and steadily broadcast "I'm 1-down" R(espect) messages.

        Now identify someone you'd say is notably assertive. What's the difference between them and the aggressive person you identified? Would people who know you well say you are often assertive? Premise - assertion is "the learned skill of knowing how and when to (a) identify and state your current social needs clearly, and to (b) handle expected resistances effectively." How does this compare to your defini-tion?

        Typical victims of repeated aggression and abuse can't assert effectively (get their needs met), because...

• their dominant false self promotes self-distrust, shame, guilt, and fears; and they don't know that or what to do about it; and they...

• lack effective-communication knowledge and skills.

Could that describe you?

Clearly knowing the difference between aggression, submission, assertion, and abuse is es-sential for avoiding and effectively resolving many relationship "problems" (discomforts and unfilled needs). Do you agree?

        Pause and reflect - how do you usually respond to aggressive or abusive adults and kids? Is your way effective (get your needs met well enough)? Compare your normal behavior to these...

Response Options to Aggression and Abuse

        Some responses to these stressors are more effective than others. An effective response will...

• preserve the receiver's dignity, integrity, and self-respect; and...

• enforce effective boundaries and respectful consequences with the other person/s. 

Does this describe how you usually respond to abuse or aggression now?

        An ideal response to aggression and abuse also raises the other person's awareness of...

• what they're doing, and...

• the effects of their behavior - e.g. "I'm losing my trust in and respect for you"; and...

• why they're behaving like this - (e.g. because a false-self dominates them now, who doesn't know effective communication skills), and the ideal response would...

• motivate the abuser/aggressor to want to learn more effective ways of filling their needs.

        An implacable reality is that habitually abusive and overly-aggressive people need to hit true bottom  before they're genuinely motivated to change their attitudes and behaviors. So trying to use logic, per-suasion, threats, hints, and manipulation probably won't promote permanent changes in such kids or adults.

Let's use these ideas to explore your response options when (a) someone is aggressive or abu-sive with you, and when (b) you witness aggressive or abusive behavior between other people. Think of any recent examples of each of these, and keep them in mind as you read.

  Prepare Yourself

         To get the most from what follows, read these articles on assertion and "I-messages," and return  here. Then get ready to respond effectively to abuse or aggression by first...

• confirming that your true Self is guiding your other subselves. If not, make empowering your Self and reducing significant false-self wounds (family Project 1) a high ongoing priority. Then...

• affirm your rights as a unique, worthy, dignified person - i.e. "promote yourself to equal."

• check your attitude about you and the other person. If it's genuine mutual respect and compas-sion, go ahead. Otherwise, suspect that a false self governs you, and your attitude may be (unin-tentionally) provoking the other person's behavior;

• commit to gaining competence at effective-communication skills,

• learn how to judge whether the other person is ruled now or often by a false self; and what to do if they are;

• learn how to tell abuse from aggression, because they merit different responses.

• If the aggression or abuse is significant and chronic despite your best efforts, question why you're in this relationship (i.e. which of your subselves is choosing to endure the disrespect and stress, and why);

• Keep your current life priorities in mind, and use them to guide your responses; and...

• Use these wise guidelines to help you decide what you can affect and what you can't.

Is there anything preventing you from using options like these to respond?

        Now let's look at your...

Response Options if Someone is Aggressive with You

        Think of a recent situation where you feel another person was insensitive to your needs and feelings - i.e. they put their needs, dignity, and worth "above" yours. Recall your emotional and behavioral respon-se to them, and how you felt about yourself. Imagine what would have happened if you had decided to...

• Use these traits to decide if the other person is ruled by a false self (chronically?). If so, affirm that you didn't cause that, and can't control (change) it;

• Recall that aggression means the other person...

  • has a 1-person awareness bubble focused on themselves, and is unaware of that and what it means; and...

  • their dominant false self ranks its needs, worth, and dignity higher than yours right now (feels superior or "1-up" to you) so...

  • you probably cannot communicate or problem-solve effectively with this person at this time.

• Assess whether the other person's E(motion)-level is "above their ears," so s/he can't really hear you now. If so and the situation permits, use patient, respectful empathic listening (hearing checks) to bring the level below their ears and restore their hearing.

        If the situation doesn't allow this, shift to asserting and enforcing clear boundaries and consequences without guilt or anxiety, per your personal Bill of Rights.

• Choose among options like these to suit your situation:

  • Clarify what you need now with or from the other person, and compose a respectful I-mes-sage to assert your need. Expect resistance, and calmly respond with empathic listening. Then re-assert your I-message until

    • you get what you need,

    • you shift to problem-solving, or...

    • you withdraw.

  • If you feel you're in physical danger and assertion isn't working, call 911 or some other helper, or leave.

  • If you're feeling significant guilt about your attitude and/or response, consciously decide if it's warranted or not, and act accordingly - if your Self is clearly guiding you.

Response Options if Someone is Abusing You

        Note that all abuse is aggression, but not all aggression meets the three criteria for abuse. If you decide that you and another person clearly meet the three criteria, then review your options, starting with those above. Take as many of those preparation steps as circumstances allow, and...

• review or create your version of this Bill of Personal Rights. Use it to justify your attitudes and re-sponses to the abusive person.

• check your assumptions - are you really unable to defend yourself or leave, or are your dominant subselves pessimistic and fear-based? If your true Self is disabled, you'll probably get a protec-tively-skewed answer to this vital question.

• admit that passively avoiding firm, respectful confrontation with your abuser is enabling them - i.e. you are at least half the problem. Restated - face the possibilities that...

  • the way you have responded to the abuse (if it's chronic) is probably at least half the problem, which means...

  • you are probably controlled by a well-meaning false self, which is the primary problem. The abuse is a symptom of it. Feeling and thinking "I'm helpless" is a sure sign of false-self wounding and denial.

        When your Self is solidly guiding you..

• face what enduring the abuse is doing to your self-esteem and your identity ("I am a person who doesn't protect myself"). A powerful option is to ask your Shamed Child subself what s/he feels about this. If you are an able adult, permitting abuse is self abuse.

• decide how and when to identify, assert, and enforce specific boundaries and consequences with your abuser within the limits of your situation;

• consider discussing your options with a skilled objective life-coach or counselor, and/or your wise Future Self. Your can see this situation as a learning opportunity (glass half full), or a stressful problem (half empty).

• if your physical safety is at risk, consult with local police and perhaps legal counsel to clarify your rights and options. If you choose to invoke the law (e.g. an order of protection), first consider the long-term pros and cons - specially if you're responsible for dependent kids;

  Response Options if Someone Abuses Another Person

        First, check to see if your true Self (capital "S") is