Break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents Analyze Relationship
Problems so you can solve themp. 3 of 3
By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
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Example, continued from p. 2...
Monica watches for chances to try new responses. When Jess looks and sounds frustrated, her Mom says "Looks like you feel upset about something." (a nonjudgmental observation, instead of her normal "What's wrong, Honey?" question). She also experiments with brief new statements like these:
"Looks like you don't need to say what's bothering you now."
"You look sad (angry / worried / happy / tired /...) right now."
"When you're silent and I'm not sure how you are, I feel anxious." and...
"Jess, I sure hope that if I'm doing anything that makes it hard to talk to me, you'll tell me. I won't get upset or mad if you do."
Monica also tries to model disclosing her own feelings and needs (within limits) to Jess, guarding against her daughter feeling responsible for filling her adult needs. She does so to teach by example, not to get sympathy or solutions.
One day, Jess says "I cannot believe how stuck up Nadia is. I can't stand her!" Instead of probing or chiding as she usually would, Monica listens empathically: "She really irritates you." She bites her tongue, and waits to see if her daughter will add more. To her surprise, the girl starts to describe an irritating incident with Nadia at school that day.
Monica's Self rejects her Nurturer subself's impulse to "fix" (lecture, instruct, moralize) her daugh-ter, and instead waits patiently for Jess to finish venting. Then she asks "What d'you feel is the best way to react to people who think they're extra special?"
Her respectful question leads to a satisfying two-way discussion, rather than Jess looking sullen, bored, and guarded. Her daughter even asks "So what did you do with stuck-up kids in your school?"
Let's look more closely at this example to see the problem-analysis steps at work. See if you can summarize what relationship problem the exasperated mother (Monica) is trying to solve with her early-teen daughter Jessica.
Dig Down Several Levels
The first (level 1, or surface) problem-definition might be "Monica needs her daughter to be more open and communicative with her." Digging down reveals level 2: Monica needs her daughter to want to disclose her activities, thoughts, and feelings to her to fill her need to know her daughter is safe and is making safe social and school decisions .
Further digging (to level 3) discloses Monica really needs to learn whether she's unintentionally doing (or not doing) something that makes it unsafe for Jess to confide in her. Discussion with her sis-ter Karen (new knowledge), reflection, and study reveals a deeper need (level 4) - to learn whether Mo-nica has subselves who are too critical, controlling, and interruptive (i.e. too unaware of communica-tion basics and typical early-teen traits and needs) in their zeal to protect Jess and be "a good Mom.".
If she does, then Monica's primary need (dig-down level 5, in this case) is to learn how to retrain those subselves to...
communicate with Jess more respectfully, and to...
trust the wise guidance of Monica's Nurturer and true Self and not need to disable them.
This Mom's overall needs are to (a) relate and communicate in a new way allowing her daughter to feel consistently safe, respected, and motivated to self-disclose, so Monica can (b) reduce her an-xiety and gradually raise her trust of Jess's judgment ("let go"), and (c) maintain her integrity and self-respect as a competent mother.
From a prior problem-analysis step, she realizes she needs to change two things with her daugh-ter (and maybe other people): for better outcomes. She needs to train her subselves to maintain (a) a steady attitude of mutual respect, and (b) a two-person awareness bubble in important interactions. Before this, Monica hadn't been aware of either of these vital relationship factors.
Identify Key Personality Subselves
Next, Monica makes time to read this introduction to effective "parts work." She asks her hus-band Vance to read it too, and they discuss how it might help their relationship and family. With his supportive feedback, she makes an initial inventory of her subselves on paper.
With input from her sister Karen and husband Vance, she uses this list to identify which of her subselves are likely to care about (a) Jess's welfare, growth, and health; and (b) how Monica behaves as a Mom and daughter to her own parents. She (her Self) decides these are the key ones: her...
true Self (CEO, leader, or guide) - coordinates and wisely directs other subselves when they trust her;
Nurturer, (Good Mom) - who specializes in caring unselfishly for Jess and others; and her...
Adult Woman ("common sense"), who excels at practical every-day decisions, her tireless...
Inner Critic, who steadily harps on Monica's failures and shortcomings, her...
Perfectionist, who insists she must be "the best Mom ever," and her imaginative...
Catastrophizer, who ceaselessly generates disaster scenarios about Jess, and her...
Good Girl subself, who wants Monica's parents to approve of her, and her...
Good Wife part, who wants to please her husband, her...
Guilty Girl, who activates when the Critic declares that Monica is an inept mother; and her...
Doubter, who feels that Jess's judgment is often faulty, which puts her at risk.
Interview These Subselves
Over the next several weeks, Monica chooses a long-range outlook, and invests undistracted time in introducing her Self to each of these normal subselves individually and in small groups. She interviews each subself to learn (a) what their job (personality role) is, (b) whether they trust her Self's wisdom or judgment - and if not, why; and (c) how each subself feels Monica should guide and protect her daughter Jess.
As she does this, Monica tells Jess what she's doing and why. Her daughter seems intrigued in spite of her skepticism. Monica also keeps Vance and Karen informed, and asks their comments as she progresses. They all learn some new things about themselves and each other as they do this "parts analysis."
This earnest Mom has never conferred with her subselves before. She discovers that they have a lot to say to her and each other, once they trust that her Self is safe to talk to. Monica also finds that most of the Guardian and young subselves don't know how old (wise) she is, so they don't trust her Self's judgment. They all fear that if things among them change (like following the resident true Self), they'll lose their roles or power. She patiently reassures them that will never happen.
+ + +
Step back from the details now and see the whole multi-level analysis process. Monica began with a surface relationship-need for her daughter to change (be more open). Patiently digging down four need-levels allowed her to discover her primary needs - to...
identify several of her key and subselves causing her attitudes and (communication) behaviors with Jess, and to...
teach these subselves...
These are the first parts of harmonizing all of Monica's dynamic personality subselves into a cohesive, cooperative team, led by her true Self, other Regulars, and her Higher Power (Project 1 in this non-profit Web site).
+ + +
Notice your reaction to this brief example - Interest? Curiosity? Cynicism? Empathy? Apathy? Which subselves are causing your reactions? Recall why you began reading this article,
Also notice that this example illustrates relationship-problem analysis. Well done, these eight steps empower you to use your version of these related steps to resolve major relationship problems (fill your current primary needs).
You probably won't appreciate the power of these problem-analysis and resolution steps until you experiment with them and see what happens.
Think of the several most stressful relationship problems in your life now, like hurt, anger, compe-tition, disappointment, rejection, distrust, and dislike Include serious relationship problems between your tireless subselves. If you applied your version of these eight analysis steps to these stressors, what might happen to your odds of resolving them "well enough"?
We've covered a lot of ground in these three pages. Can you describe each of the eight options in this problem-analysis framework, and why they're useful? The table below summarizes the options, and provides links to relevant resources. Option - bookmark this page for reference.
To make these ideas work for you, first invest undistracted time in reviewing these premises and typical problems (stressors). Then review your key family, social, and work relationships, and identify any stressors you feel are significantly affecting you - one at a time. Then prioritize your stressors (high > low), and vividly imagine the relationship changes you want to achieve.
Problem-analysis Checklist
Use your version of these eight options to analyze any complex or confusing relationship problem among your subselves or with other people. This means clearly deciding "What do I need to change in this relationship, and what's in the way?"
Doing this can save you much time, energy, and frustration trying to solve surface problems. Follow the Answer and Resource links to help analyze successfully. After analyzing thoroughly, use these steps to fill the needs you ientify.
Question
Answer Resources _ 1) Is my true true Self guiding my other personality subselves now? Yes
No or ?
_ 2) Have I reviewed my beliefs and attitudes about relationships? Yes These articles on attitudes and relationship premises _ 3) Am I motivated to expand my personal and social awarenesses? Yes
_ 4) Have I studied and applied these essential topics? Yes These foundation articles _ 5) Have I refined my thinking and my ability to discover primary needs?
Yes These articles on clear thinking
and digging down_ 6) Have I accepted these analysis options and prioritized my needs? Yes Review this article, and
use this worksheet_ 7) Have I tried these steps and done any needed troubleshooting? Yes Assess for false self dominance _ 8) Have I explored which of my subselves are causing my problem? Yes No or ? This step-by-step series
on "parts work"Stay aware that to get the best result from these options, you need to...
have your true Self steadily guiding your inner team of subselves;
practice a genuine attitude of mutual respect with every adult and child;
be clear on your version of these relationship premises and these universal personal human rights; and you need to...
want to grow fluent in these effective-communication skills, starting with awareness.
Do these four requisites make sense to you? Where do you stand on them so far?
If you patiently follow your version of these eight options with major relationship problems, what might happen? If you could reliably resolve common relationship problems like these twice as effective-ly as you're used to, what would you feel? What effect would this have on the people you care about the most? On your family?
If there are young people in your life, how might your adopting an analysis framework like this benefit them, long range? If you're in a primary relationship, would your mate use options like these? Would your parents and other relatives? What if all your family members worked to help each other adopt problem-analysis steps like these? What if schools and churches taught them?
Take stock of what you believe now about relationship-problem analysis. Check to see if your Self is answering. T = "true," F = "false," and "?" = "I'm not sure."
I'm _ comfortable with the idea of normal personality subselves, and I'm _ motivated to identify mine now. T F ?
I _ understand the difference between a true Self and a false self, and _ I'm learning how to recognize which of these are controlling me or someone else. T F ?
I accept that needs are mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual discomforts, and that being needy is healthy and normal, not weak. T F ?
I believe that all emotions are useful pointers to current primary needs. T F ?
I can define the difference between surface (secondary) needs and primary needs.
T F ?I'm actively learning how to dig down to discover my current primary needs. T F ?
I can clearly define what a "relationship problem" is to an average teen T F ?
I see relationship problems as opportunities for self and mutual growth. T F ?
I have studied the suggested readings at the top of this article T F ?
I can name at least five reasons average adults can't analyze relationship problems effectively. T F ?
I can _ describe each of the seven effective-communication skills in this site, and _ I am working steadily to achieve fluency and confidence with them. T F ?
I know how to _ construct and _ deliver an effective "I"-message (assertion), and I know _ how to handle any "resistances" to my assertions effectively. T F ?
I know _ what the Serenity Prayer is, and _ when to use it. T F ?
I _ understand the eight analysis steps proposed in this article, and I _ agree with them, or _ I have edited them to suit my beliefs. T F ?
I'm motivated to try my version of these steps now with an open mind, to see what hap-pens. T F ?
I'm aware of the general steps for effective problem resolution now. T F ?
I accept that relationship problems between my personality subselves can be effectively identified using these eight ideas, to promote effective problem solutions. T F ?
I know how to judge if a relationship problem is resolved "well enough." T F ?
What did you just learn about yourself? Who responded to this status check - your wise true Self, or "someone else"?
This three-page article exists because (I believe) most adults have significant trouble solving ma-jor relationship problems effectively. One reason is that ancestors and society haven't taught people how to analyze what they really need when relationships are unsatisfying.
Based on over 40 years' research and experience, the article proposes an eight-step way to analyze complex, stressful relationship problems. Once they're analyzed, people can use these related steps to solve their problems effectively - i.e. to fill their mutual primary needs "well enough."
Learning how to consistently fill six basic communication needs is the focus of Project 2 in this educational Web site. If offers a set of basic ideas about effective communication, and seven powerful skills anyone can learn to use and teach the young people in their lives - a priceless, life-long gift. The guidebook for Project 2 is Satisfactions - (Peter Gerlach, MSW; Xlibris.com, 2002)
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what do you need? Is there anyone you want to discuss these ideas with? Who's answering these questions - your wise resident true Self, or "someone else"?
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Updated November 07, 2008
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