This article offers a way to
raise your awareness of your key attitudes about yourself and other key people
- like your other co-parents and any kids. The pattern of your attitudes on
these topics will suggest whether your
subselves are lead by your
or "someone else." Please use this inventory to learn and discover, not
blame or judge!
Why Take This Inventory?
As you probably know, your well-meaning
(subself) tirelessly gives you attitudes or judgments: good-bad, right-wrong, acceptable-unacceptable, safe-dangerous, trivial - vital.
These color your perceptions, evoke emotions, and shape your decisions, behaviors,
relationships, and achievements.
Attitudes affect our
emotions, serenity, and physiology (heart rate, breathing, muscle tone,
hormones) moment by moment. Would you agree that
much of this "shaping" is unconscious (reflexive) or
semi-conscious? Do you feel that motivated people can become more
of
their primary
attitudes? Change their attitudes?
My years studying clinical hypnosis validated psychiatrist Milton Erickson's proposal that we all
reflexively broadcast and decode tiny behavioral cues
about what we and others really think and feel right now. This means
that your
(subselves') attitudes about the topics below will "leak"
to kids and adults in small facial and body reactions, voice dynamics, and
body postures whether you want that or not. Their
will decode your attitudes and react to them - often subconsciously.
My experience is that many
and stepfamily adults and kids carry excessive
from
(a) excessive childhood rebukes and (b) marital and parenting "failures." Their
ruling subselves
may be more reactive than other people to "negative attitudes" about topics
like those below.
Use this inventory to learn more about...
-
what you're probably
broadcasting to the people you live and work with without knowing it,
-
who's broadcasting: your
Self
(capital "S") or some distrustful
or
subselves; and to...
-
become aware of attitudes in your other
co-parents, relatives, and supporters which may promote
to co-parenting teamwork. Then use your
to improve that, where appropriate.
Prepare...
Find an undistracted time
and place, and reserve ~ 30" to reflect on these items and what they mean.
Choose an attitude of
nonjudgmental curiosity, rather than "I have to answer these 'right'."
Reflect and say out loud
why you began reading this inventory - what do you
?
If your first reaction is something like "I don't know," then breathe
well, close your eyes, and ask again: why am I reading this article? Trust your
first response without analyzing...
Note that
you're about to reduce some
- one of five core
in average divorcing families and stepfamilies. Nice going!
Option: print this and
hilight or jot key reactions as you take the inventory. Consider
about your thoughts and feelings after you finish. The process of reviewing
your beliefs is as important as clarifying them.
If it feels useful,
reflect on where you got key attitudes. You didn't have them at birth... Are
your key attitudes yours or someone else's?
Honestly assess
whether your
is about to take this inventory. If not, your other well-meaning subselves
may distract you, skew your results, and/or hinder your learning from the
results.
Read the
linked popups and
continue, and consider waiting to read any linked articles that
interest you until after you're done with this inventory.
Read each item out loud,
and then decide what your attitude is. Reflect and be
aware of your thoughts, feelings, and breathing.
Option: rank your
opinion from 1 to 5 on each of these attitudes...
+ + +
1)
Are stepfamilies and step-people inherently inferior to traditional
intact biofamilies? Are they comparatively abnormal, substandard,
limited, unnatural, dysfunctional, ... or are they an
ancient,
normal type of human family with (a) special
and (b) the steady potential to be as nurturing,
enjoyable, and productive as all other kinds of
family? (1 2 3 4 5)
2) Are
typical stepparents (or stepmothers) evil, wicked, inferior,
second best, abnormal, and/or less effective caregivers; or are
they well-meaning,
confused, significantly
idealistic, overwhelmed,
anxious,
frustrated men and women doing
their best in a confusing, alien family role and environment
which they're usually unprepared for and lack adequate support? (1
2 3 4 5)
3) Is
legal
sometimes or always
wrong, irresponsible, cowardly,
weak, immoral, sinful, or bad; or a
painful, useful way of (a) self-learning and (b) regaining the potential
for future health, peace, and happiness for all concerned after all other
available options prove fruitless? (1 2 3 4 5)
4) Are
(a)
kids of divorce or parental death or
(b) stepkids damaged and/or
disadvantaged, or are they (a) of equal human potential with
non-divorced peers and (b) challenged with special adjustment
needs and wounds that may slow or block personal growth and effective adult
independence and contentment?
(1 2 3 4 5) Option: after ranking this, read these
recent research summaries.
5) Are
adults who divorce bad, sick, weak, wrong, quitters,
failures, irresponsible, losers, immoral, and/or sinners;
or
are they psychologically
,
overwhelmed, scared, exhausted,
persons
seeking more peace, hope, comfort, and safety in their and their
kids' lives? (1 2 3 4 5)
6) Are
adults who have sexual or romantic
bad, sick,
irresponsible, immoral, weak, pathetic, wrong, and/or sinners;
or are they tormented and unconsciously controlled by a
which significantly hinders
(a) healthy-
,
(b) wholistically-healthy intimacy,
,
sexual satisfaction and harmony, and
(1 2 3 4 5)
7) Are
adults who (a) conceive unwanted kids or
(b) abort
pregnancies bad, sick,
irresponsible, immoral, weak, pathetic, wrong, pitiful, and/or sinners;
or are they wounded, impulsive, reactive, needy, tormented,
scorned, guilty and shamed people needing genuine
acceptance,
empathy, supportive confrontation, and
(1 2 3 4 5)
8)
Are
co-parents who sue
or call the police on each other
bad, sick, weak, pathetic, vengeful, abusive,
childish, immature, irresponsible,
immoral, and/or wrong; or are they overwhelmed, unaware,
wounded, weary, reactive, tormented people
ruled by needy, distrustful subselves who
see no better choices? (1 2 3 4 5)
9)
Are
people with past
or present
including
bad, sick,
diseased, weak-willed, losers, irresponsible, stupid, ignorant, and/or wrong,
or are they unaware,
wounded, needy, unhappy, hopeless,
confused people whose protective false selves persistently try to provide
self medication (temporary comfort) from relentless daily emptiness, fear, shame, guilt,
confusion, despair, and loneliness? (1
2 3 4 5)
10)
Are
mothers who relinquish or lose child custody bad, sick, weak,
irresponsible, immoral, pathetic, immature, victimized,
despicable, and/or wrong;
or are they (a) making a supreme sacrifice for their child/ren
("I cannot nurture effectively now, and need others to do that, though
it breaks my heart and others don't understand") (1 2 3
4 5); or are they (b) wounded,
unaware, financially and often educationally disadvantaged, under-supported, and
by
majorly-wounded ex mates and in-laws and
low-nurturance local legal
and mental-health systems? (1 2 3 4 5)
More key attitudes that will affect your relationships and self-esteem:
11) Are adults and kids
who believe in a Higher Power or Great Spirit deluded, silly, weak,
gullible, brainwashed,
losers, New Age,
stupid, pathetic, dumb, tragic, bigoted, hypocritical, and/or unrealistic;
or does such a
really exist, care, listen and respond, and steadily
direct each child's and adult's life course
whether they believe it or not?
(1 2 3 4 5)
12) Is
human suffering wrong, bad, tragic, awful,
purposeless, and
preventable; or is it unavoidable, instructive, and
potentially growthful, long term? (1 2 3 4 5)
13)
Is interpersonal conflict
bad, unproductive, stressful, harmful, and/or "negative"; or
(a) a useful sign that someone's
are unmet, and (b) a chance for personal and relationship growth (1
2 3 4 5)
14) Are some emotions like
anger, shame, guilt, lust, greed, scorn, and fear bad or negative,
or is every emotion a normal, useful sign that one or more
needs are currently unmet and deserve attention and action? (1
2 3 4 5)
15) Are some adults and kids
inherently evil
(incapable of genuine caring, love, empathy, and compassion) or are they
(a)
dominated by a protective
and
(b) relentlessly burdened with self-amplifying
and perhaps uncontrollable rage impulses; who
(c) lack the
and
adequate human and spiritual resources to stabilize, self-confront, and
start healing? (1 2 3 4 5)
16) Are confusions
and doubts usually bad, problematic, distracting, undesirable,
and unproductive, or are they often signs of (a) inner
wounds and/or (b) symptoms of healthy
in core attitudes and values? (1 2 3
4 5)
17) Is
serious or chronic
depression always bad or can it sometimes be a
normal sign of
the sadness and despair phase of healthy
that needs empathic, patient support and encouragement, not
alarm, treatment, and medication?
(1 2 3 4 5)
18) Are
adults or kids who are
excessively controlling, manipulative, aggressive,
or
bad, sick,
weak, pathetic, evil, and/or wrong; or are they
unaware of suffering from up to
six psychological
and a leaderless personality
which cause impulsive, uncontrollable, hurtful actions
to other people and themselves? (1 2 3 4
5)
19) Are co-parents who emotionally, spiritually, and/or physically
their kids bad, sick,
immoral, criminal, disgusting, weak, irresponsible, and/or wrong,
or are they...
-
excessively wounded, ignorant, unaware persons, ...
-
who's false-self protectively blocks
with and nurturing themselves and/or others, and...
-
who suffer relentless loneliness,
toxic shame and guilts, anxieties, and social
and
scorn and rejection, and...
-
feel situationally or chronically
trapped, helpless, and hopeless? (1 2 3 4 5)
20) Are families who are court-ordered
into therapy or mediation usually too troubled and
resistant to really
,
or is each case
unique, with strategic chances to intervene effectively via
empathic, respectful (a) education, (b)
-building, and
(c) inner-family
harmonizing (personal recovery) over time? (1 2 3 4
5)
|
21) Are people often controlled by a
false self inferior, sick,
hopeless, wacko, abnormal,
disadvantaged, disabled, second best, and/or
crazy, or are they worthy, talented,
neglected, wounded, unaware, miserable people doing their best to survive,
who have the steady potential to learn and
(empower their true Self to guide and harmonize
their other well-meaning subselves)? (1 2 3 4 5) |
The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/basics/attitudes.htm
Option:
study this