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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and preventing divorce.
This introduction describes the Web site's
purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part
of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you
read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
All families change with time in
minor and major ways, by choice or not. This article
suggests ways to minimize
from major
structural changes to your
. Managing changes in up to 16 sets of
effectively as a new
stepfamily forms is the focus of co-parent
in this site.
Most nuclear stepfamilies have
three or more co-parents living in two or more
homes. That means the chance for significant life-changes that affect
everyone is higher than in a one-home intact nuclear biofamily. Your co-parents’
ability to (a) plan for and (b) adapt to these changes can help or hinder the
caregiving teamwork your dependent kids need. If you’re not
experiencing change-related conflict, anxiety, and confusion now, you
all probably will in the future. The degree of uproar will be in proportion to your
multi-home family’s
and
co-parental
Typical Stepfamily Changes
The biofamilies you’ve lived in never had to adjust to changes
like these…
a child’s
other bioparent courting, re/wedding, or re/divorcing a stepparent; or…
a new
stepparent initiating major child-related changes in and between a stepchild's two homes; and/or…
an
ex mate and new partner conceiving or adopting one or more children; and/or…
unexpectedly transferring physical custody of one
or more kids to their other co-parent's home.
And
intact-biofamily members don’t have to adapt to…
a
divorced parent moving significantly closer to or away from
their
child’s other home.
an
ex mate or co-parent couple having major occupational and financial shifts,
including bankruptcy or sudden wealth; and/or …
an
ex mate
or stepparent going to
jail, becoming disabled, or dying; and/or…
an ex mate trying to block contact
and/or bias a child against their other bioparent and/or stepparent (Parental Alienation Syndrome - PAS)
These change
your multi-home
family’s
– it’s
membership, relationships,
assets, needs, limitations, and
Structural changes affect
your family dynamics – i.e. how you all interact in normal and
special situations. That affects your family’s current and long-term
nurturance level: how well each adult and child gets their
met.
Unexpected and unplanned changes like
those above can
throw your
into major uproar. The uproar is
greater and lasts longer if several
structural changes
happen at once,
and/or your members haven’t grieved and stabilized from prior losses
(changes). Disruptions are also
bigger if one or more family adults (a) deny your
as a stepfamily,
or (b) discount what that identity
- e.g. they deny the
reality of the
and your many biofamily-
. Family uproar and it’s impacts (a secondary problem) can also be
magnified by kids’ and relatives’ reactions to co-parent changes like these,
like hurt, resentment, anger, “rebellion,” taking sides, and/or
The high
probability of complex stepfamily changes is one reason it’s vital during
co-parent courtship to…
acknowledge “We’re forming (or joining) a
stepfamily”
and
then…
work
together to convert up to 60 unrealistic (bio-family-based)
myths into realistic stepfamily
expectations.
One is
“We expect (changes like those above)
to happen
to us all at any time, with or without warning or enough planning.” Your
co-parents may have to adapt to major structural changes initiated by
a child (“I want to live with Dad”) and/or key relatives (“My Mom
needs to move in with us.”)
The details of
stepfamily changes like those above vary infinitely.
The core challenge your
co-parents face is: when significant changes occur or are needed, do you have...
-
an “us vs. them”
attitude, which causes blaming, competing, resenting, manipulating, and
discounting each other, or do you...
- team up and empathically help each other
(a) plan,
manage, and
stabilize our stepfamily changes, and (b) grieve our
(broken bonds)
together?
The answer depends on
whose needs
each of your adults feel are most important, as the changes unfold. That hinges on how well all of you are
progressing on your version of the 12 family-building
– specially building a
high-nurturance co-parenting team (
Does this seem realistic to you? To bring this point home, try
this…
# Status Check - T(rue),
F(alse), or "?" = "It depends on (what?)"
I feel a mix of calm,
centered, energized, light, focused, resilient, up, grounded, relaxed,
alert, aware, serene, purposeful, compassionate, and clear, so
(capital
"S") is
probably present now. (T F ?)
I
include each of our
children’s living parents and stepparents as full
of our
multi-home stepfamily now. (T F ?) If you don’t yet, work on
All our
co-parents can
describe the
we and our dependent kids face now.
(T F ?)
All
our co-parents _ can name, and _ are fully committed to, the
we need to work on
together to build a high-nurturance multi-home stepfamily. (T F ?)
If not, _
what’s in the way, _ who’s responsible for fixing that, and _ what may
happen if it’s not fixed?
I believe all of our
co-parents are making reasonable progress on our version of these
projects, or we’re actively working on reducing any barriers to our progress. (T F ?)
If all
your co-parents can’t clearly answer “T(rue)” to these items, focus your
efforts on reducing applicable
If you all can answer “True”, then tailor the guidelines below to
help each other manage major family changes effectively. Have you all
experienced any of these family-life disruptions yet? If so, how have they
affected your adults’ ability to co-parent as teammates? Did the changes
reduce or amplify your set of the teamwork barriers?
To promote
effective stepfamily-change management, let’s explore some key elements…
10 Uproar Factors
can
occur in three time-zones, in and between your homes...
-
major change is proposed
or declared, but hasn’t started (“Max and I are thinking about moving to
Alaska”); and...
-
when the change is in process (the effects are first
experienced); and...
-
in the months after the surface change “ends,” as your
related households grieve (accept) their losses, adjust
and
and restabilize.
The degree and
duration of emotional upset in each zone depend on at least
10 interactive factors:
How your several homes are
structured – i.e. who’s in charge, and how effectively they’re managing
normal and special tasks. To see your family’s structure, try
it.
How
stable (calm,
balanced, confident, resilient, aware) your
is before the
changes happen. In typical post-divorce families, this depends on (a) how
well kids and adults are doing with their respective adjustment
needs and tasks, and (b) how
your co-parents are. Those factors depend on how each of your co-parents are
doing at empowering their true Selves,
and how
informed they
are.
Who initiates the change/s
(one or two co-parents or all of you); and why (what surface and
are being filled); and…
Whether the changes are
chosen (foreseen) or forced by uncontrollable events like major illness, accidents,
natural disasters, corporate upheavals, and riots; and…
Who’s
affected by the
changes, and how they’re affected (a little to a lot).
Restated:
uproar depends on whether the change/s fill most family members’ key
needs, or create major new needs among many members.
Other “uproar” factors include…
Attitudes about change:
where each affected adult and child falls on the line between “family
change is safe, enriching, exciting, and rewarding (glass half full),” and
“family change is always scary, risky, confusing, and stressful (half
empty).” Often (a) key childhood experiences with change and (b) the degree of animosity and conflict during co-parents’
divorce/s, and shape your adults’
and kids’ attitudes about major family-structure changes. Where do you
fall on this “change-attitude" scale?
Whether the changes are
well planned and discussed with everyone affected, or imposed suddenly
and/or aggressively by one or two co-parents (“I have HAD had it! Sandy is coming to
live with you next Tuesday.”);
How
well your
family
members can support each other in
the
(broken bonds) that major structural changes cause;
and…
How
effective
your co-parents are at
(unmet needs)
that family changes cause; and finally…
Environmental factors –
local safety, the availability and effectiveness of relevant social
supports, and perhaps geographic factors like climate, locale, pollution,
allergens, and pests.
Add your own factors to these to form
a change-planning checklist.
Reflect on the
last major family change you experienced (birth, death, marriage, divorce,
retirement, graduation, geographic move, adoption, disablement, etc.). Did
each of these factors contribute to personal and family harmony or chaos during and after
the change? Did other factors play a key role? In your
opinion, how well did your family plan for, manage, and adjust to the
change/s? How long did it take for your family to restabilize? Would other
members agree with you?
Change-Management
Here,
“family-change management” means
you
co-parents (ideally) agreeing on how to plan major changes effectively, and resolve significant problems
(fill members‘ primary needs) before, during, and after the change takes
effect. Shared progress on your safeguard
will help make this
possible.
As you know, an
effective plan requires someone to accept leadership responsibility.
Ideally, s/he or they will...
-
collect and rank the needs of everyone affected, and then...
-
define what
the end goals are and what’s needed to achieve them. Your leader/s then...
-
initiate,
pace, and monitor the change/s,
coordinate responsibilities, and...
-
effectively until family stability returns.
Each of
your two or more co-parenting homes (hopefully) has one or two leaders, who may or may
not
want to or be able to, do cooperative change-planning.
Primary Problems
Trouble planning and/or managing
major family changes is usually a symptom of a mix of the four factors below.
Use this summary as a framework for breaking complex changes into manageable
targets,
them against your
family’s long-term
(
and other responsibilities, and invite all your co-parents to help each
other work to patiently to reduce each of these over time...
1) Too little teamwork. One or more of your
co-parents is
and indifferent
(or
and antagonistic. A symptom of this is not really caring
how their major life-style changes will affect other related adults or kids
outside their home. if the way any co-parent proposes or causes a
major change in your multi-home family is perceived by other members as “My
(or our) needs are more important to me (or us) than yours;” then your
will probably grow.
They’ll also grow if the co-parents who must adapt to the changes respond
with
behaviors like blame, criticism, sarcasm, resistance, discounting, and/or
retribution – specially if they (you) use kids as spies, pawns, or agents (“You
tell your Dad you won’t visit him if he moves to Nevada.)”
Incidentally, I’m assuming that you adults are solidly
of your respective
homes, vs. a strong-willed (needy)
or physical child or
relative, or no one.
Bottom line: you co-parents probably can’t begin to manage major family
changes effectively until you’ve made major progress reducing any teamwork
barrier. You’ll have trouble doing that if any of you made…
2) Unwise re/marriage decisions. If you re/married
without doing some version of the
co-parenting
projects during courtship, either of you partners may have committed to the
wrong
for the wrong
(e.g. to rescue or
end loneliness or overwhelm), at the wrong
Read this true
vignette illustrating this widespread tragedy.
If this is true for you, seeking
co-parental harmony and/or stability with major co-parental changes now may
be fruitless. You can still learn much from your
experiences, heal personal wounds, and live more authentically as you admit
your losses, grieve, and decide on your best options. To see if this
wrong-choice factor applies to any of you, see the articles and worksheets
in Project 7. If it does apply to you,
mull these options.
If
your co-parents each made three wise re/marital decisions, your next
possible primary change-management problem may be family
and
conflicts. If an ex
mate and/or new stepparent…
-
doesn’t accept your potential or actual
group identity as a stepfamily; and/or…
-
doesn't genuinely want to learn what that
identity
and/or…
-
rejects other co-parents, and/or excludes
themselves from stepfamily membership; then…
...s/he won’t really be motivated to
evaluate how and when to manage major family changes for all your sakes. If
this is true in your case, it’s highly likely the primary problem is denied
psychological
in the co-parent/s.
Recall that
adults ruled by
false selves tend to pick each other repeatedly, until well along
in true (vs. pseudo)
3) Nuclear-(step)family instability. A
is a group of
objects hanging by threads or strings from small bars of different lengths
When any object is moved, the whole group oscillates until gravity gradually
restores balance (no motion) to it. Your birth family was like a mobile,
with the bars and strings being bonds and relationships among your infants,
kids, and adults.
Picture a mobile with the “objects” being 50 to 100+ small dolls or photos
of the adults and kids living in your present family’s
multi-generational
homes. This mobile began when one or more smaller mobiles (prior
first-marriage families) were restructured by divorce or mate-death. It took
some years
for each disturbed mobile to rebalance. Before or after rebalancing, a new
co-parent’s mobile (biofamily) was added when you mates courted and
re/wedded. Rebalancing the larger system takes more years than before,
because there are many more objects, strings, and bars.
Merging
co-parents’
biofamilies to form a new stepfamily is very
complex. It requires blending up to
of physical and
invisible factors concurrently, among scores of people whose
individual lives are changing at the same time – while social and biospheric
environments constantly evolve!
Each of the
changes the
start of this article represents a major disruption to your “big mobile.” If
your family network hadn’t stabilized from prior big changes (divorce,
relocations, job or custody changes, losses), adding a new mobile
(co-parent biofamily) too soon may make restabilizing “too hard” for some
members. Restated: if any of your co-parents initiate major family changes
like those above before all your affected adults, kids, and relatives
have had enough time to…
accept
your new family identity and agree on who
belongs
and
and…
learn
new
and
life-skills,
and…
and begin healing from psychological
(
and…
grow
effective communications
and…
grieve
prior losses, and help kids mourn theirs,
and…
reduce
prior adult disrespects, distrusts, and guilts,
and…
clarify,
negotiate, and stabilize new family roles, rules, relationships, and
expectations - i.e. progress well together on your merger-adjustment
tasks, and…
understand
the new change/s (like an ex-mate re/wedding a single parent) and what
they’ll mean to individuals and your whole
