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address of this page is http://sfhelp.org/basics/changes1&2.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so
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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and preventing divorce.
This introduction describes the Web site's
purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part
of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you
read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
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Thanks to Gregory Bateson, Don Jackson, Dr. Paul Watzlawick, et. al. for
this important idea.
All animals, including us
humans, are ceaselessly motivated to reduce current ore future
dis-comforts (needs) and increase pleasures. Both of these result from
changing something. A common vexation for many people is trying to
change a "bad habit" - e.g. stop using tobacco or alcohol, over-eating,
gambling, biting our nails, etc. - and failing. A similar vexation occurs
when we try to change another person's attitude, perception, opinion, and/or
behavior - and fail.
Two Kinds of Change
To fill these needs more often, it helps to distinguish first-order (behavioral) changes
from second-order (core attitude) changes. Do you know how and when to do
this?
First-order changes are
behavioral
shifts that don't permanently achieve a desired result. Exam-ples
abound: diets that "don't work" over time, addiction relapses,
persistent lateness, forgetting impor-tant names and dates, avoiding exercise
or medical checkups, - i.e. "broken New Years' resolutions."
(Any bells ringing?). These problems (discomforts) keep returning because we
shift our behaviors but not the core values or attitudes causing the behaviors.
One reason
some therapy, counseling, and mediation is
unsuccessful long-term is that clients and professionals aren't aware of this
distinction and what causes it - so they unconsciously aim for first-order
behavioral changes. Most
marital and parent-child conflict is ultimately fruitless battling over
(needs) and demanding or
expecting first-order changes - e.g. "I need you to listen to me more
often" instead of "I need you to
want to listen to me."
Second-order changes are permanent
attitude shifts that cause new behaviors. The trigger
prob-lem stays gone, and is not replaced by a new version (like giving
up alcohol and starting a nicotine or work addiction). Non-voters become political activists. Atheists "come to believe" in a
Higher Power. Workaholics become Zen masters. Criminals become
peace-enforcement professionals. Hostile ex mates change to see each other
compassionately as
and
not bad.
Scrooge becomes a jolly Holiday benefactor of the poor Marley family.
Changing Core Attitudes
The distinction above raises two questions -
"Can people change their core
attitudes by willpower alone? If not - why not?" Sometimes they can if they
have a compelling new experience - like quitting a nicotine addiction because of a
lung-cancer diagnosis. Other times, willpower and logic don't work. The
premise that normal
are composed of
provides a credible explanation.
If you're
about this premise, read this memo, and try
this safe, interesting exercise. Then return
here.
If you or
someone you care about wrestle with "habits I can't break," or "problems that
keep coming back," you
or they are
probably controlled by two or more
One says "Change (what-ever)!", and the
other says "NO - Don't change!" To make a second-order (permanent)
attitude change
requires resolving this internal battle by your resident
harmonizing (mediating) the opposed
sub-selves.
For more perspective on this, see...
Pause, breathe, and recall why you used this worksheet. Did you get what
you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Is there anyone you want to
discuss these ideas with?
Who's answering these
questions - your wise resident
or
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