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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and preventing divorce.
This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways
to use its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so
the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. Before continuing,
reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
From 22 years' clinical research, this article proposes an unrecognized
social process that is inex-orably weakening our families and our
American culture. It may be a global problem. The process can be
described as a self-amplifying three-part cycle unintentionally passed
from one generation to the next.
Option - see this topic in a slide
presentation.
This article offers...
-
a summary of the three-part [wounds +
unawareness] cycle, with links to more detail
-
why the
public is currently unaware of the cycle
and it's costly effects
-
how I
discovered the cycle
-
a summary of how the cycle
works
-
some major
implications of the cycle, and...
-
options for breaking this cycle
in families, communities, regions, and our country.
What Is This Cycle?
The three interactive parts of this destructive, costly social cycle
are public unawareness + widespread psychological wounds + public apathy
about ineffective parenting.
1) public unawareness
and ignorance of:
-
wise child conceptions and
(parenting);
-
effective
and
skills;
-
healthy three-level
of inevitable life-
(broken
bonds); and...
-
psychological wounds from
childhoods, and what they
These combine to
cause...
2) Epidemic
psychological wounds
in typical kids raised in low-nurturance families, which
appear to be in the majority in contemporary America:
-
a dysfunctional personality composed
of talented
This causes...
-
excessive
(low self esteem)
and guilts; and/or...
-
excessive
(of the unknown,
failure, abandonment, rejection, aloneness, and success); and/or...
-
significant
like denial, minimizing, idealizing, catastrophizing,
projecting, over-simplifying, discounting, and
intellectualizing; and/or...
-
difficulty
yourself, others, and a
appropriately; and for some...
-
an inability to (a)
empathize, and to (b) form healthy
with (love) some or all other people.
These unawarenesses and wounds combine to cause...
3) Public apathy
and passive
permission for this toxic cycle to pass down the genera-tions.
That is, the public has not demanded or allowed legislation
to humanely prevent unqualified child-conception and
low-nurturance parenting.
The public and professional media are tacitly promoting public
unawareness and permission by not headlining and illustrating the
cycle and its widespread toxic effects.
One result - society tries fruitlessly to reduce the
effects (symptoms) of this self-amplifying cycle - e.g. ...
-
epidemic
-
homelessness
-
-
gangs
-
-
murder
-
-
obesity
-
racism
|
|
-
runaways
-
bankruptcies
-
abortions
-
crime
-
-
mental illness
-
poverty
-
welfare
-
pornography
|
Focusing on these secondary
problems is like painting a house infested with termites.
For perspective, consider how
widespread just one of these 26 cycle-effects is now - legal and
psy-chological divorce. It stresses
over half of the U.S.
population (estimated as 303 million in Feb., 2008) - probably more than
AIDS, cancer, and heart disease.
Does this three-part cycle make sense to you? Have you ever seen this
concept proposed before? If not, why could that be?
Why is the Public
Unaware of This Cycle?
Are you aware of the current global fear of a deadly bird-flu pandemic?
Of the ominous predicted effects of global warming? Of the alarming rise
in U.S. obesity in kids and adults? If so, how do you know of these? I
suspect you'd say "TV, newspapers, magazines, and/or the Web" - yes?
One reason the [wounds + unawareness] cycle is unknown to the public is
that media editors and producers haven't featured it. Four possible
reasons are...
-
no one has proposed and documented the
cycle, or...
-
they have, but people don't believe it (once true of global warming, and
looming oil and water shortages);
and/or...
-
the public doesn't want to learn
about the cycle and its effects because the implications are too
scary and depressing - so media creators avoid alienating
subscribers, viewers, and advertisers by not publicizing it. The
ultimate reason may be...
-
To stop this toxic cycle, couples need
to be certified to marry and/or raise kids - meaning some sort of
government regulation. This is so repugnant that any attempt to pass
and enforce such legislation would probably cause riots.
How Did I Discover the Cycle?
By the improbable confluence of several factors. I am a trained mechanical engineer (BSME), and
have always been curious about how things work (or don't). I'm also a
trained, veteran (27 years)
therapist (MSW), specializing
in understanding and improving
families and rela-tionships.
That led me to study effective communications and parenting, healthy and
incomplete grief, and addiction dynamics and management.
In 1986, I discovered "by accident" that my parents were both functional
alcoholics - so I was (am) an "ACA" -
Adult Child of an Alcoholic
family. This explained much about my own painful life, and I began
"recovery" from the psychological wounds of being raised in an addicted
family. My healing included
shifting from 35 years'
atheism to firm faith in - and experiencing - a benign,
attentive
Soon after learning my ACA identity, I was moved by curiosity to attend a
local seminar on
"per-sonality parts" and "internal-family systems
therapy" by veteran psychologist Dr. Richard Schwartz. It changed
my life, and the way I did therapy. I read voraciously about personal
and family dynamics, multiple personalities, addictions, marriage, divorce, communications, spirituality,
and various "mental illnesses." My learning was tested and expanded by working
clinically with over 1000 average Midwestern U.S. adults with wide range of
presenting problems since 1981.
Though my clients' and students' stories were each unique, I began to see a pattern in their
lives and ancestries (and mine), and in the many clinical authors I had
studied. Many authors described parts of the cycle in their own language
- e.g. child development; personality theory; child pathology; toxic parenting; addiction
causes, dynamics, and management, clinical hypnosis; anger management; family
system dynamics; marital problems and solutions; and so on.
None of these authors
integrated their theories into a coherent trans-generational systemic
concept. We teachers and students were all like the allegorical five
blind men discovering an elephant: Feeling the trunk, one says "It is a
snake." Feeling the belly, a second man says "No, It is a boulder." The
third man felt a massive leg, and said "You're both wrong - it's a
tree." The next man felt the tail, and snorted "How can you be so blind?
It's a rope!" The last man guffawed and said "you're all wrong -
it's a palm frond." He was exploring the elephant's ear.
As I composed the articles in this Web site over many years and the
six related guidebooks, the "elephant" (cycle)
coalesced. Evidence of it continued to mount in my client contacts
and family - and now I see its symptoms
everywhere. Web-site visitors' feedback and poll-responses consistently
confirm it. For example,
80% of
the typical visitors responding to the poll question "Do you believe in
personality subselves?" say "Yes, without question."
How Does the Cycle Work?
Here's a summary. At any given time (past or present)...
Widespread public
and
promote...
Public
and religious values, traditions, and laws that allow couples to marry
and conceive children before most are qualified to do so. This causes...
Epidemic unwise (a) marital and
(b) child-conception choices
and
ineffective family communication + grieving + parenting.
So...
Most kids get inadequate
and training on these
at
home and school, so
most of them develop significant psychological
and...
millions of kids must adapt to parental psychological
or legal
because
their wounded, unaware caregivers aren't able to fill their
of this cycle grow up and - without [
+ self-motivated
personal
+ effective help
] -
unconsciously repeat and spread
the cycle down the generations.
The spreading
wounds and ignorance
in our society promote
(a) significant health
problems
and
shorter
lives, and (b) most major social problems (above).
|
Once citizens, parents, and
legislators are aware of this social dynamic and its toxic impacts, they (we) can break the cycle through
appropriate education, recovery programs, and new laws.
|
What Does the Cycle Mean?
A
comprehensive answer to this question merits a whole book.
One meaning is that most (all?) small and large efforts to
reduce the main secondary
social problems of our Era (above)
are ineffective and repeatedly waste scarce time, money, and energy
because they ignore the underlying two primary problems: epidemic
and psychological (false-self)
A
vivid example is the growing American
obesity
epidemic, despite widespread dietary and nutri-tional programs
and increasing public education. This trend suggests that most Americans
aren't motivated by the very real threat of fat-related health risks
like diabetes, strokes, and heart disease. This illustrates
the prevalence of the psychological wounds of shame (self-devaluing and
neglect) and
- (e.g. denials: "I'll never get sick because I'm overweight").
Another sobering cycle-effect is the unremarked American
divorce epidemic, which stresses
mil-lions of adults and kids every year and causes many secondary
personal and social problems. For an example of the cycle's effect on a
real stepfamily couple and their kids, read
this.
A
third sober meaning of this cycle is the unyielding,
prevalent costly
social problem of
and their widespread personal, family, and social
effects. The proliferation of various
12-step "Anony-mous" programs in cities and
villages across the world implies how widespread the desire to break
com-pulsive self-medication against relentless
caused by
childhood wounding and their effects.
Perhaps the most compelling meaning is that - until an aware public
decides to protect them - millions of vulnerable American (and
global?) kids (like yours?) are growing up with preventable
psycho-logical
which will degrade their health, relationships, and lives until
and unless they hit true personal
(usually in mid-life) and choose to admit and patiently
their wounds. By that time, their own kids have often begun to adapt by
forming their own personality-wounds, as the cycle inexora-bly spreads.
One final mega-meaning is the widely-accepted reality that
humans
are changing the Earth's eco-logical balances in ways that are already
disrupting global societies and life-species. Scientists are
increasingly vocal and unified in warning that civilization faces major
threats because humans are squan-dering and polluting our fresh water, land,
and atmosphere. The [wounds + unawareness] cycle promotes personal and
social denial, self-gratification, overstimulation (distraction), and a
self-defeating short-term focus, which combine to promote widespread
discounting of our imminent ecological threats.
#
Reality Check - how many people do you know who are making
significant lifestyle changes to reduce the coming severe effects of
global warming and pending energy and water shortages? Are you?
These implications are illustrative, not comprehensive. The general and
specific effects of the growing [wounds + unawareness] cycle in every
sector of modern life are beyond summarizing here.
Pause and notice what you're
now. Do you know which of your diligent personality
are causing them?
The good news is - once people (like you) understand and accept
this cycle - they (we) can break it and protect future generations from
its effects. Before looking at (y)our options, take a...
#
Reality Check - try answering these out loud... Reflect and
see where you stand on the ideas above. T- true, F =
false, and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends on... (what?)"
I understand and
accept the concepts of personality
true Self, and
(T F ?) If you're doubtful or unsure, read this
memo, and try this safe, interesting
exercise.
I can name (a)
each of the six common false self
and (b) at least three things they
(T F ?)
I am motivated to
myself honestly for significant false-self wounds now (T
F ?)
I accept that
average kids raised by wounded, unaware parents are at significant
risk of developing psychological wounds and being ruled by a false
self. (T F ?)
I can describe
four things typical adults are
of, and at least four vital
that they are often uninformed about. (T F ?)
I can
describe the main steps
in the [wounds + unawareness] cycle clearly to an average
high school senior now (T F ?)
I
can explain at least four common
effects of the cycle on families and society. (T F
?)
I can explain why
most people are unaware of the cycle and its effects. (T F
?)
I am very
motivated now to protect the young people in my life from the
effects of this cycle. (T F ?)
My
true Self is
to this reality check - or - I know which
is. (T F ?)
Can We Break the Cycle?
YES! This
series of prevention articles
proposes three practical steps you - or anyone -
can tailor and apply to protect (a) your family and descendents first;
and (b) then our society, by spreading the word - i.e. raising
public awareness.
There are four potential groups who can spread the word: recovering
(GWCs),
concerned parents, and public health and media professionals. A critical
factors that must precede alerting the public is methodical research to
test and validate the [wounds + unawareness] cycle proposed in this
article.
Recap
This article is part of a series on
understanding, identifying, and reducing false-self wounds and related
unawareness (Project 1). It proposes an ancestral cycle of [wounds +
unawareness] silently spreading down our generations, weakening our
society, and damaging our Earth. The article describes...
-
the three components of the cycle,
-
how the cycle operates
-
likely reasons why the public is unaware
of the cycle so far
-
a summary of how I (the author)
discovered the cycle,
-
five of the many harmful effects of the
cycle on persons, families, and society, and...
-
a link to a series of articles on
how to
break the cycle in
your family and in society.
+ + +
Pause and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you
needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Who's
these questions - your wise
or
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