Picture all the adults and kids who significantly affect your life now
assembled in a group. Look at each person, and decide whether you like them,
dislike them, or are indifferent to them. Now reverse this - who likes you,
dislikes you, or doesn't care about you?
Liking and disliking people are inevitable, and range between mild to
strong. This article focuses on
"significant" dislikes among family members, tho many of the ideas
here pertain to any two people. Dis-like among kinfolk is really a family
problem, not a personal one, because tension between two members affects
everyone else.
To
get the most from this article, first read...
-
requisites for a mutually-satisfying
relationship
-
an
introduction to normal
personality subselves (like yours) - slides
or text
-
premises about common relationship
problems
-
a
framework for analyzing relationship problems,
and...
-
a
framework for resolving common relationship problems -
slides or
text
Contents
This article includes...
Q&A about family dislikes
Options
for shifting self-dislike
toward compassion;
Options if
you dislike another
family member, and...
Options
if another family member dislikes you
Q&A About Family Dislikes
What
Does "Dislike" Mean?
Premise - disliking someone usually means "I disapprove of
this person's attitudes, behaviors, traits, and/or appearance." This implies
that you can dislike one aspect of a person, and still approve of (like)
them as an individual. When you dislike too many traits, you dislike the
whole person.
Dislike ("bad chemistry") usually describes a mix of unpleasant
feelings (reactions) like distrust, disrespect, disapproval, and perhaps hurt, disgust,
annoyance, resentment, anxiety,
frustration, and/or anger. If you accept this idea,
then seeking ways to cope with someone's
dislike transforms into seeking ways to reduce each of these
individual feelings.
Notice the difference between "I don't like you" and "I disrespect (or
distrust) you."
Whom Do I Dislike?
Your response might be something like "obnoxious adults and kids." Think of
anyone you know who you feel is "obnoxious." What is it about them that
merits that label? Sometimes it's a trait or behavior of theirs that
violates your definition of...
Sometimes dislike springs from
an unconscious association with an obnoxious person - "Luis reminds me of my
uncle, who was a real crude, bigoted, aggressive egotist."
How about self-dislike? Do you have any traits or compulsive habits
you feel are obnoxious? Some-times those only appear in special situations or
relationships ("I don't like who I turn into when I'm around my parents.")
We can dislike another person because they confront us with some unpleasant
qualities about ourselves which we don't want to admit.
What Do I Dislike?
Scan these
and list the attitudes, behaviors, and personal traits you specially dislike
in yourself and/or other people. Then reflect - with each trait, how do you
feel when another person exhi-bits it around you?
Often, we don't dislike an obnoxious person so
much as we dislike the feelings we have around them -
like irritation, outrage, hurt, anger, frustration, scorn, disgust,
confusion, anxiety, fear, impatience, and/or dread. When you identify which of these
emotions is
causing your dislike, the next question is...
Who
Causes My Dislike?
Is your answer "Obnoxious kids and adults"? I propose that
our dynamic range of feelings and thoughts are caused by one or more
active
Here, they may include the
and/or
the
and one or
more sensitive
If this is true, it has important implications for
understanding and managing your dislikes.
What's
the Opposite of Dislike?
The obvious answer is "liking" myself or another family member. What that
really means is "I feel good things when I'm around me / her / him." So the
answer to this question becomes "Feeling safe, re-spected, understood,
accepted, appreciated, stimulated, cared for, (i.e. "loved").
Is
there a 'Best Way' to Respond to Dislike?
This question really asks "How can I preserve my
serenity,
and self-respect if I dislike another family member and/or they dislike me?"
Some options are...
-
"I can try to avoid this person
and/or limit contact with them, and avoid confronting them." This
strategy usually compounds relationship problems, and can promote
divisive
and relationship
in your family system. It may indicate you're dominated by a false self.
-
"When I can't avoid this person, I can
try to react to them with respect, tact, and honesty." This is a
response; Or...
-
"I can get clear on my rights, feelings, and
and
my needs firmly and re-spectfully." Another true-Self choice; and...
-
"I can research whether my dislike is really
about things I (some of my subselves) dislike about me; and if
so, I can use
to improve this;" and...
-
"I can use the dislike as motivation to
both of us for false-self wounds, and take
" and...
-
"I can notice the communication
between me and the other person, and choose to
im-prove my half of it for both our
sakes;"
-
"If someone dislikes me, I can (a) act
indifferent or defensively, or (b) ask them for honest feed-back
and see if I'm willing to change something about myself without
ambivalence and/or re-sentment." and...
-
"If other people in my family dislike each
other, I can...
-
detach, be passive, and do nothing; or...
-
support one over the other
in/directly; or I can...
-
notice how their dislike affects me, and use
respectful
to inform them of that, and what I need from them; or...
-
I can show them this article and encourage
them to discuss it as teammates."
Can you think of other ways to
react to significant dislike among your family members? How did you see
adults in your childhood family handle interpersonal or self dislikes? Do
you think their strategies strengthened or burdened your family
relationships and harmony? How are the young people in your life learning to
handle social and self dislikes?
Let's look at some of these strategies in more depth...
Change Self-dislike
into Compassion
Most people have habits (behaviors) and personality traits that irritate
and/or frustrate them and other people. The extreme case is "self hatred."
Common examples:
|
chronically lateness
nail-biting
overeating
perfectionism
lecturing
overreacting |
forgetting important dates
not staying focused
gossiping
over-apologizing
preaching
misplacing important things |
snoring
sarcasm
nagging
assuming
swearing
whining |
excessive pessimism
bouncing checks
procrastination
interrupting
over idealizing
pessimism |
See any favorites?
If you've ever tried to "break habits" like these and failed, it's probably
because you didn't learn which of your subselves was causing them, and
negotiate respectfully for change. You also probably have been unaware of
the important difference between first-order (surface) changes and
second-order (core attitude)
Here's the outline of a strategy to permanently shift an irritating habit or
attitude into at least acceptance, Let's use "chronic lateness" as an
illustration.
-
Make a
roster of your active subselves, and
scan it for likely candidates for "lateness." Commonly, this "bad habit"
can be caused by a Saboteur, a Rebel, a Magician an Achieve-Driver, an
Impatient One, and one or more Inner Kids.
-
Let all your subselves know you'd like to
learn who is causing your chronic lateness. This is not about blame,
it's about discovery and improvement.
-
Identify the specific benefits of improving
your promptness with other people, and vividly imaging what they would
feel like.
-
Interview each likely subself alone in a
safe, undistracted inner place. Introduce your Self (the
interviewer), and summarize what you seek. If you haven't "talked" with
this
subself before, take time to build some initial trust and
respect.
Ask questions like these, and notice any
thoughts, feelings, and/or images with an open mind
-
"What's your job? What do you do each day
and night?"
-
"Do you know who I (your Self) am and
what I do?" If not, explain those;
-
"Can you tell me what year it is?" (Some
Inner Children and Guardian subselves are unaware they live in the past)
-
Ask how s/he feels about (a) committing
to being on time, and (b) being late so often. Avoid arguing or
lecturing - just listen. That doesn't mean you agree;
-
Ask what might happen if you were able
to be more punctual. Don't try to reason, explain, or reassure -
just listen.
-
Ask if the subself knows who (which
subselves) make you late all the time.
-
Ask anything else you feel is relevant.
Avoid blaming or criticizing any subself. Appeal to each of them to be a
team player, and to trust your Self and other Regulars to keep you all safe
enough. Also avoid relying on logic to "convince" sub-selves that being on
time is really beneficial. They have to experience the benefits to
want to change their attitude and priorities, so
focus patiently on getting
them to try punctuality to see what it feels like.
Be alert for subselves resisting change because they fear doing so will "put
me out of a job" or "make me worthless." Where appropriate, explain the
option of choosing a new
inner-family role, and discuss the pros and cons with all subselves.
Experiment!
A version of this inner-family strategy can help...
If You Dislike Another Family Member...
Remind yourself of the important difference between disliking a behavior or
trait, and disliking the whole person. They merit two different strategies.
For example...
If You Dislike Behaviors
or Traits
-
Use
and dig down
to get clear on what the irritant is, specifically 9i.e. identify what
you need);
-
If it's a behavior, (e.g. talking loudly and
interrupting often), get clear on what changes you want the other person
to (want to) make, and why;
-
Review these universal human
rights and acknowledge that they apply to the
other person just as much as to you - specially if s/he is a child. If
you don't agree, suspect that a false self is control-ling you. If so,
you have a bigger problem than "dislike."
-
Check your
if you feel your and the other person's needs and values are
equally impor-tant, go ahead. If not, use parts work to identify which
subselves oppose this "=/=" attitude, why, and what to do about that.
A common causes of
"dislike" is one or both people feeling disrespected by the other.
If that applies to your situation,
see
this for perspective and options.
-
If the other person is a child, use
this to clarify what s/he needs, and adjust your
vocabulary and expectations to her or his age level. For perspective and options, see this
article on effective child discipline.
-
Option - review your expectations of
this person (a) in general and (b) in their family
Unrealis-tic
expectations may be contributing to your dislike. Option -
validate your role-expectations with a neutral person you trust.
-
Option - use the subself-interview technique
above to learn (a) which subselves dislike the other person's trait or
behavior, and (b) why.
-
Option - compose and assert a
respectful
- ideally, when the your and the other per-son's true Selves are
you each. That might sound like...
"(Name), when
you keep interrupting me (or whatever), I feel irritated, frustra-ted,
and disrespected (or whatever) - and I need you to let me finish my
point (or whatever)."
Expect "resistance"
(explaining, whining, resentment, defensiveness, etc), and use
to validate (vs. agree with) it. Then re-assert firmly and clearly as
often as you need until you feel genuinely heard.
Option - define and
respectfully assert a specific consequence if the other person doesn't
change their behavior "enough," or promises to and doesn't.
-
If the irritant is a personality or physical
trait, (like an inability to focus, or an unpleasant voice tone
or laugh), accept
that the other person can't control that, offer respectful
feedback as appropriate, and use these
If You Dislike
Someone
Feeling "total dislike," disgust, or "hatred" for a family adult or child is
usually a sign that (a) your false self
and (b) your ruling subselves dislike many traits and behaviors (c)
some of which may remind you of your least favorite (repressed?)
qualities; and (d) the other person is probably ruled by a false self too.
Your dominant subselves may also be very uncomfortable with a coalition
of family mem-bers who support each other in an offensive way.
Options -
-
Verify your acceptance of the idea of normal
true Self, and false self. If you're ambivalent or skeptical of
this concept, read this letter to you, and
then try this safe, interesting experience.
If you're still skeptical, suspect that a well-meaning
controls you, and lower your expectations about getting anything useful
from this Web site for now.
-
yourself and each disliked family member for significant false-self
wounds. If you find symptoms, focus on reducing your wounds first
with a version of
Also, study this for perspective.
-
When your true Self is clearly
your
other subselves, try to identify the specific things you dislike about
the person or coalition. Then patiently use the subself-technique above
to negotiate a more compassionate attitude for each separate dislike. If
appropriate, use these options for redu-cing
distrust and
disrespect.
-
If the other person is a child, assess how
effective disciplinary rules and consequences have been implemented in
their home. An obnoxious child often has had ineffective or toxic
childcare - which is the real problem.
That often implies seriously
co-parents. That's not the child's fault! Don't let compassion dilute
your right to set clear behavioral limits and consequences in your home.
Also - be alert for these three common relationship
stressors as contributing to the
family dislike.
Options If a Family Member Dislikes You
Start by assessing both of you for
false-self wounds. If you find symptoms, focus on
yours first. If the "disliking"
adult or
child is significantly wounded, follow
the link for options.
If the other person's dislike is implied rather than overt, consider
asking her or him directly if you're doing something offensive or
frustrating. If a false self rules them, be prepared for a double message
(words = "No" and behavior = "Yes").
-
Get interested in the communication
between you two.
Pay special
interest to the
you each usually receive from the other. If the other person
interprets your behaviors as "I'm 1-up (superior)," s/he will predictably
dislike that, vs. you.
your true
of your per-sonality will usually shift 1-up attitudes toward genuine mutual
respect.
-
Decide whether there's any benefit in distinguishing
disrespect and/or
distrust from
this person's dislike. If so, follow the links for perspective and
options.
-
Avoid getting into lose-lose blame <> counterblame exchanges, or defensive
justifications of your "obnoxious" behavior and attitudes. Dislikes rarely
shrink because of "logic" or "facts."
-
Reflect on whether any of these
three common
stressors is contributing to the other person's dislike. If so, select
among the options in that and related articles and proactively seek
improvement together.
-
If
the other person can't clearly tell you what they dislike,
to learn what specific needs they have of you that aren't being met. Then
use win-win
to satisfy them within local limits. If you discover s/he dislikes traits
about you that you can't (vs. won't) change, use these wise
-
Reflect on the effect this person's
dislike (and your response) has on your other family relationships,
and discuss this with the person and/or other members. If some other family
members significantly dis-like each other, include that in your discussion.
The over-arching focus is how to increase and maintain your family's
nurturance level for all of you, including your unborn descendents.
Back away from these options, breathe, and notice your thoughts and
feelings. Did you realize how many options you have? See the choices above
as guidelines, not a black-white cookbook!
Recap
This article offers perspective on the universal human dynamic of
interpersonal and self dislike. It suggests that "disliking
someone" is really about disliking the unpleasant feelings that arise from the
other person's actions or traits. Often "I dislike ____" really means "One
or more of my personality sub-selves dislikes _____." Respectful intervention
with such subselves can often reduce dislike, or convert it to acceptance
and compassion.
The article proposes ways to...
-
shift self-dislike toward compassion
and acceptance, using "parts work;"
-
react to disliking a family member's
behaviors or traits,
-
react if you dislike the whole adult or
child ("bad chemistry", and...
-
options for responding if another family
adult or child dislikes you.
|
Keep
your perspective: your overall goals are to (a) maintain your integrity and
serenity, (b) im-prove what you can, and accept what you can't without
blame; and (c) enhance your family's nurtur-ance level over time.
|
Also
see
these articles about dislike between a
stepparent and stepchild, or
stepsiblings.
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
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