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Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
|
From research since 1979, this nonprofit Web site proposes that one of six
psychological "wounds" that stress
of
childhoods
is the combination of excessive
(I'm a worthless, unlovable person) and excessive
guilts (I do bad things). This
article focuses on assessing for and reducing excessive guilts. This
companion article explores reducing excessive shame. |
This three-page article offers perspective on...
To get the most from this article, first read...
this introduction
to normal personality subselves,
this introduction to six
common personality wounds
and their typical impacts.
this overview of
Project
1 - inner-wound identification and reduction,
and...
this real-life
example of wounded stepfamily co-parents
Reflect
for a moment - what are your favorite guilts? Have you ever devised a strategy to manage or reduce
excessive guilts? Do you know anyone who has?
Premise:
excessive guilts can
be intentionally reduced to normal, healthy levels. Do you believe this? This article may
have more meaning for you if you look at photos of yourself as a child, and
each minor or grown child in your life now.
What is Guilt?
|
Premises: guilt is an automatic mental + emotional response
to perceiving that we have "done something wrong" - i.e. we have violated
someone's rules about "proper attitudes and behavior."
usually occur together, and feel similar. |
Moderate guilt is
a healthy, useful response, for it regulates our self-nurturance ("I
better brush my teeth.") and our social behaviors ("I should apologize for
being late.") Excessive
guilt indicates significant psychological
wounding, and promotes personal and relationship problems.
Toward
seeing how to spot and reduce excessive guilt, let’s explore…
Where Does Guilt Comes From?
See
if some version of this example is familiar:
As a young girl, Sharon was taught a powerful rule by many
people and media characters, in different ways "You
should always be nice."
There were many variations: Mom said "Nice girls are
never rude."
Grampa Larry often said "Your brother Nick is always so thoughtful and
polite." The minister praised Bible characters and congregational members
for being courteous, respectful, obedient, humble, and
charitable. Girlfriends scathingly criticized peers for being "stuck up,
gross, and selfish."
From parental scoldings, praises, and
modeling their values,
young
Sharon began the life-long process of accumulating
for relating to other people: shoulds, oughts, musts,
cant's, supposed to's, and have to’s,
Among her
subselves, her budding
collected and
stored these perceptions. Her tireless Librarian subself indexed what
became thousands of behavioral rules to cover "How Sharon should or
must act" in all kinds of solitary and social situations.
To
win daily approval and acceptance at home and school, she developed tireless
and
subselves, who often teamed up.
These zealous personality parts (her “conscience”) assumed the protective
responsibility of comparing Sharon's daily and past thoughts, decisions,
feelings and actions to these rules, and rendering judgments on them "for her
own good."
To guard against painful disapproval and
possible rejection, Critic studied Sharon’s parents, and copied their
words and voice dynamics to chide and scorn the girl whenever she broke any
rules. The adults’ voice dynamics and body language were often
sarcastic, angry, pitying, scornful, exasperated, and disapproving.
Like Sharon’s
(wounded) parents, her Inner Critic didn’t praise her for
following the rules. Critic learned to feel “That’s just what’s
expected, so it doesn’t deserve any praise.” Critic heard the
minister say
is a sin, (and sin is BAD).” The girl's Grandmother often tsk-tsked about
people with "swelled heads" who were "full of themselves." Critic
dutifully rebuked Sharon for feeling
self-satisfaction for “being nice.”
As we all do,
young Sharon grew a
subself.
When this subself activated, it infused Sharon with the
feeling of guilt, and related thoughts. This happened every time
an adult or her Critic pronounced or implied that the girl had broken some rule.
At the same time, another young subself was learning to feel and store her
shame. Fairy tales helped that subself grow, when kids were sternly told by
adults "You should be ashamed
of yourself, young lady, for ___")
In her early years, Sharon didn't know many family and social
rules, so she broke them often. Her siblings, relatives, and caregivers told
her that, often, "for your own good" (and their comfort). Fueled by her
need
to be “good” and "nice," (liked and accepted), Her personal library of behavioral
rules grew and grew.
As Sharon decoded thousands of judgments from her outer and
inner Critics during her childhood (including some praises), her
grew the conviction "I'm real bad. I always break the
rules. I am SO stupid and dumb. No one could ever love me!"
When Critic
delivered scathing lectures on how she'd broken another rule again, her
Shamed Girl and Guilty Girl would
(take over) Sharon's young
giving Sharon thoughts like "I did a bad thing (broke a rule)” and
guilt feelings; and/or she thought "I am a BAD girl." and
felt ashamed.
When she thought people around her knew she did and felt
these things, she felt embarrassed. Pretty soon, all it took was certain people looking
at her, rolling their eyes and sighing, or just saying "Sharon..." and her
internal Guilty and Shamed Girls spasmed. The guilty and
shamed thoughts and feelings tended to merge and feel the same, as the Earth
circled the sun.
Because these feelings hurt, Sharon also
automatically developed a
subself. Her sole job
was to bring Sharon the useful emotion of
Some related Guardian subselves developed too. They included
an
a crafty
a persuasive
a
an hysterical
a
Sneak, a shrill
a powerful
a glib,
insincere Politician, and a
Their specialized 24-hour jobs all aimed to guard the
Guilty, Shamed, and Hurt Girls from perceived sources of
inner and outer
pain.
Sharon also grew an Angry subself, who developed over time into
an adolescent
But that one impulsively broke too many rules in
the social world, so the
subselves tried to
paralyze
her
- in public, anyway.
All these Guardian
personality-parts worked tirelessly with
Librarian
and Historian subselves to decide what actions might produce
significant pain. Sometimes they'd invoke Critic to sternly rebuke and
lecture Sharon like her parents, hoping she would avoid pain and injury.
Based on their inherited (unconscious) libraries of
social and
parenting rules, Sharon’s Mom and Dad believed they were raising their
daughter well enough. They had no awareness of the group of subselves their
daughter was developing, or how often she was tormented by her vigilant
Inner Critic and
Perfectionist because of their rebukes and sarcasms.
They occasionally worried over "how hard she is on herself."
As Sharon grew,
her increasingly knowledgeable, wise,
far-seeing true Self was often overpowered or unheard by her reactive inner
kids and their Guardian subselves. That resulted in her Self doubting
her own wisdom and inner-family leadership ability (which was her real
talent). Most other subselves ignored and/or distrusted
the girl's developing Self.
|
Sharon wasn’t aware of her subselves and their
goals and traits. No one ever talked about normal adults and kids having dynamic "inner
families," or encouraged her to discern what her personality was, and how
it "worked." She was aware of feeling crazy and confused
at times, when
various agitated subselves
took her Self over and gave her conflicting
|
+ + +
This is a skeletal sketch of where (I think)
excessive guilt
and shame come from. Does it seem credible to you? The keys are:
Very young kids instinctively seek to earn vital adult
attention and approval by evolving a complex array of good-bad,
right-wrong rules on how they’re “supposed to” behave.
They expand these rules to get approval and acceptance by their playmates
and schoolmates. Most early rules (shoulds, musts, have-to's, cant's, etc.)
develop from perceiving adult responses to a young child's behaviors.
Rule-building starts automatically before a child's vocabulary and coherent thinking
develop - e.g. "If I smile, (the big person) smiles and makes nice sounds."
To avoid the agony of
caregiver rejection and abandonment (i.e. potential death),
kids develop
and
inner kids, a tireless
and an array of other protective
subselves.
Unless
aware caregivers intervene, these normal
personality subselves get used to distrusting and disabling the child’s immature true Self.
They generate "guilty thoughts" and feelings.
Depending on many factors, a
child may grow up to become dominated by guilty, shamed, and
self-critical subselves - situationally or all the time. Typical adults aren't
aware of how their subselves cause this in themselves or other people. Excessive guilt and shame can self-amplify if the child was
taught “I shouldn’t feel so guilty,” and “I
should love myself!” (rules).
People
dominated by shamed, guilty, and
fearful subselves unconsciously choose each other as mates and
associates. In
Millennium America, over half of them develop relationship and parenting problems,
and
psychologically or legally.
About 70% are parents. From cultural, ancestral, religious,
and parental training (rules), their Inner Critic or Blamer insists the
divorced parent is bad (shameful) for breaking fundamental rules ("Good
parents never divorce!"). This causes significant guilts.
How
can excessive guilt affect key relationships and daily
Common Effects of Excessive Guilt
Typical unaware adults who allow their Inner Critic, Perfectionist, and Shamed
and Guilty inner children to
their resident true Self and dominate their
thoughts and behaviors risk...
1)
not evolving or living from a realistic "Personal
Bill of Rights." This is a primal set of beliefs whose theme is
"I am a unique, worthy, dignified human being, and I have a set of
unarguable rights to use in making my decisions - even if
others resent, criticize, or disagree with me."
Typical kids raised in
(neglectful and shaming) homes are usually not taught or encouraged to develop a realistic
set of personal rights, which means they have to intentionally develop a
Bill of Rights as adults. Until they
identify and authenticate their personal rights and reduce their wounds, they will endure...
2) ineffective communication
with other people. Excessive shame and guilt cause people other than
sociopaths to
unconsciously adopt an "I'm
(inferior)" attitude in their thinking and interacting with some or all
other people. This attitude may be amplified when communicating with
self-confident, aggressive, self-centered, or controlling (1-up) people. Common results are...
-
ineffective
of current
opinions, values, needs, and
and...
-
feeling timid, anxious, incompetent,
and
Excessive shame and guilt cause behaviors which amplify 1-down beliefs and
strengthen other false-self
until
the person decides to break that toxic cycle (hits personal
A related impact of
excessive
guilt is...
3) automatically
adopting a defensive and/or
apologetic attitude with some or all other people - specially those
who are aggressive and judgmental, and some or all authorities. A symptom of
this is the compulsion to over-explain and justify personal opinions and
behaviors whether other people challenge them or not.
Another symptom is
apologizing all the time, even for things that could not be
("I'm
sorry it's so humid in here.") Overfocusing on explaining (defending against inner or
social criticism) usually inhibits productive assertion and problem-solving.
Another
tragic impact of excessive guilt and shame is...
4) ineffective
or harmful co-parenting.
Excessively guilty (wounded) co-parents and caregivers are often
perfectionistic, rigid, and over-critical of minor kids and grandkids. Without
meaning to, this promotes the young people developing overactive Guilty and
Shamed inner children and related Guardian subselves - repeating the toxic
wounding
Excessive guilt can cause parents to be oversensitive and
over-reactive to others' opinions of their children's character and
behaviors. ("I'm SO sorry my klutzy son spilled his drink!")
5)
Parents who separate or divorce often feel excessive guilts related
to the pain their minor kids and/or parents have experienced. This and
can promote significant
problems in trying to coordinate childcare with an ex mate.
Excessive
divorce-related guilts and shame also can
relationships with new
partners (stepparents) by promoting chronic
conflicts and triangles. ["My child will always come first with
me (because I feel so bad for what I've done to her/him)."] These
primal emotions also hinder providing effective
child discipline, which causes a web of secondary family-system problems.
Because each wounded person and their situation is unique, you may
experience other guilt-related personal and relationship problems. Though the details may differ, the themes are
constant.
|
Problems like these are really caused by a mix of
and some key
not just excessive guilt. The latter is a major
contributor, and needs to be intentionally reduced as part of an overall
wound-recovery program. |
So
what can Sharon and you do to reduce or avoid guilt-related
problems like these? To begin answering that, try this...
Reality check - pause and reflect:
on a
scale of one ("I never have problems with guilt")
to ten ("I constantly
feel guilty about many past and present things"), how much of a problem
is guilt in your present life? Is "reduce my psychological wounds, including my major
guilts" among your top five current life priorities?
Incidentally, I
use guilts (plural) because each major broken rule needs to be
examined individually - and most of us have a collection of
significant guilts. Is this true of you?
Options for Reducing Excessive Guilts
If you feel excessive guilts, do
you think you can reduce them? Once committed to reducing their
false-self wounds, I have seen many therapy
clients...
-
permanently reduce excessive guilts to
healthy levels, and...
-
consistently avoid excessive and undeserved new guilts.
You
can do both of these things if your
(capital "S") is
to guide your other subselves! Notice how your dominant subselves
to that idea now - is your (their) glass half-full or half-empty?...
Basic
options for permanently reducing excessive guilts include...
-
Prepare yourself
with the options below. A
key is committing to reduce the false-self wounds that promote excessive
guilt and other stressors;
-
Identify and evaluate each broken rule that
causes you excessive guilt, one at a time. For each rule that someone
else originated, define your own rule, and give yourself permission to
- even if it causes other able people discomfort;
-
Patiently coach and retrain your subselves -
specially your Inner Critic, People Pleaser, and Guilty
and Shamed Inner Kids - to accept that it's healthy and
good to stop living by other people's rules and start living by your own
rules;
-
For each broken rule of your own that has
hurt someone else,
-
own your responsibility honestly, without shaming
yourself,
-
forgive yourself, and...
-
where possible, apologize
sincerely - ideally in person.
Notice how your subselves react to these options...
Let's
look at each option briefly, before looking at how to avoid
unwarranted new guilts...
1)
Prepare Yourself
See how you feel about acting on these options now vs. "soon"...
|
Learn
how to tell whether your Self (capital "S") is
your personality. You're far more apt to succeed in reducing toxic guilts
and shame (and other wounds) when s/he leads your other subselves. |
Define your goals: Remind yourself
that "excessive guilt" is a symptom of the core
problem - a disabled true Self and disorganized
personality
So
your main target is to meet and harmonize your subselves
over time. While you're doing that, important secondary targets
include...
-
identifying and intentionally reducing
specific toxic (excessive) guilts,
-
guarding against unwarranted new guilts,
-
learning how to react to
excessively-guilty (wounded) adults and kids, and...
-
teaching and encouraging any dependent kids in
your life to learn these three things.
Try saying these
goals out loud ("I need to identify and reduce my toxic guilts"), and notice
if you need to rephrase or edit them to make them your goals.
yourself for false-self
dominance via
If your true
Self is
often
commit to a
personal high-priority
recovery program, while
the rest of your life. To begin,
identify the subselves that comprise your
unique personality and which ones usually lead them! Then patiently work to
empower your Self, and reorganize and harmonize your other subselves. More
on this vital preparation step on the next page.
Commit
to improving your
thinking, communicating, and problem solving by working patiently at
Over time, this will help
you...
-
harmonize your subselves, and...
-
reduce many current stressors in
your life - including excessive guilts.
If you’re not sure whether you need to
commit to this vital work, try this
quiz, and review these common communication
Clarify
your definitions of guilt and shame. Then list on paper the specific
past and present things you (your subselves) feel excessively guilty
about. Expect to reduce these things one at a time (below).
Learn the
difference between
first-order (behavioral) and second-order (underlying attitude)
and read this article about reducing excessive shame. Reducing excessive
shame and guilts to normal are related, separate
second-order changes, like permanently deciding to end an addiction without
relapsing or starting a new one.
Coach yourself to clarify
or affect, and things you can't. Typical kids in low-nurturance homes
are trained to feel guilty for things they can't control - e.g. "You're
bad because you wet your bed again and made me clean up after you!"
Decide whether you believe that every
able adult is responsible for their own comfort and happiness.
Believing this without ambivalence frees you to
act on your own integrity (personal
values and rules) even if
it causes other people discomfort. Not honestly
people who are too scared or shamed to fill their own needs is called
