What is Your Personality?

• home > site overview > site directory or map > Q&A, Solutions article, or other > prior page > here

The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/basics/personality_txt.htm

        Clicking links below will open an informational pop-up or a full window, so turn please off your browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this site.

        This is one of over 150 articles focused on building high-nurturance family relationships and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help.

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

        Do you feel that all infants, adults and kids have a unique personality? Think of someone important to you, and reflect on her or his personality. How would you describe it? How would people who know you describe your personality? How would you describe it?

        Try saying out loud how you would define "person" and "personality" to an average early teen. Project 1 in this non-profit divorce-prevention site centers on assessing and reducing false-self wounds and harmonizing personalities, so clarity on this word is key.

        In these articles and related guidebooks, "personality" means...

"The whole ever-changing mosaic of an infant's, child's, or adult's
traits that make that person unique from other persons." 

"Traits" include the core values, attitudes, priorities, preferences, talents, reflexes, beliefs, memories, needs, fears, hopes, spirit, Soul, and self-perceptions (identity), that shape how a person (you) usually reacts to your inner and outer environments. 

        To get the most from reading this article, first adopt an open mind, and study...

• the basic premises underlying this nonprofit Web site,

• this introduction to normal personality subselves (like yours),

• these common questions and answers about subselves,

• this introduction to "Grown Wounded Children" (GWCs), and...

• this example of subselves affecting the members of a real stepfamily.

        Pause and reflect: what are your subselves thinking and feeling now? Now see how you (they) feel about each of these...

Key Premises

        A normal human personality, character, psyche, or self (small "s") is not a single monolithic aspect of an adult or child, but a group (system) of interactive parts or subselves which are probably specialized brain regions. These regions are like an interconnected net of mini-computers, and have no widely-accepted name yet. Historically, they've been called...

subselves alter egos small minds sub-regions subpersonalities elements daemons (demons) (inner) voices

selves domains agents imagoes higher selves potentials character flaws or defects moods

alters energies sub-identities false selves modes of Being complexes sides - e.g.  "musical" traits

personality parts identity states internal objects possible selves aspects self schemas streaks - e.g. "yellow" (mind) states

See John Rowan's helpful book "Subpersonalities - the People Inside Us" (Routledge, 1989) for an interesting, well-researched historic and clinical perspective on this. Master therapist Virginia Satir's brief book "Your Many Faces" provides an intriguing metaphoric way of viewing our many subselves.

        Your many personality subselves evolve from your unique mix of genetic + spiritual + environmental factors. Some subselves are genetically predetermined, and others come from your cellular and sensory life experience - specially between conception and your first four to six years of life; and...

        Your "inner family" of talented subselves evolves through a series of interactive developmental stages over time, influenced by aging and life experiences.

        Each of our personality parts or subselves has it's own unique talents, perceptions, goals, motives, modes and styles of communication, priorities, capabilities, limits, tolerances, rhythms, developmental cycles, "moods" and ranges of emotional sensitivity and expression - just like physical persons. Your subselves...

• are interactive and dynamic - i.e. your subselves can communicate and ally with, ignore, and oppose each other, express and discuss themselves with other personalities (people), and react unconsciously and consciously to others' opinions of them; And your personality team...

• is exquisitely interactive with your bodily organs in ways we're (slowly) learning to understand; and...

• seem to fall into three or four functional categories: young, reactive Vulnerables (inner children), their vigilant Guardians or Protectors, "Regulars" or "Managers," and (probably) one or more Higher subselves.

• At any moment, your subselves can experience themselves on a continuum from 

(chaotic / out of control / disorganized / frantic / panicked / hysterical...) to...

(numb / blah / empty ), to ...

(centered / harmonious / grounded / serene / calm / clear / sure /...)  to ...

(enraptured / transcendent / enlightened  / at One). And your subselves ...

        Personality subselves are neither good nor bad. The effects of our inner-family's behavior on our wholistic health and other living things can be judged as nurturing (promoting wholistic health, growth, and full potential) to toxic or harmful (inhibiting these things).

Personalities and True and False selves

        One universal Regular subself, our true Self (capital "S"), is naturally gifted and skilled at harmonizing and leading all other subselves, and making wise wide-angle, long-range decisions if allowed to do so by other subselves. The Self gains wisdom over time, as the host person experiences and learns from life. Kids' true Selves haven't had a chance to learn much, and therefore may be distrusted by other subselves as a competent leader. Ideally this is offset by the child being raised by adults who are guided by their wise, mature true Selves. This seems to be uncommon in our society now.

When their true Self leads their other subselves, average people report feeling some mix of these: alive, awake, alert, "light," calm, clear, serene, energized, centered, grounded, purposeful, potent, strong, decisive, sure, aware, serene, compassionate, resilient, realistic, focused, "up," confident, and present. They also automatically display common behaviors like these.

       When one or more subselves distrust and disable (blend with) our Self, they are called (here) our false self.  When a false self rules, people display common traits and behaviors. Here, self (small "s") refers to all subselves together, as orchestra describes the players, conductor, business staff, and Board of directors together. Following the work of Dr. Richard Schwartz, (Internal Family Systems Therapy, Guilford Press, 1995) your whole group of active and inactive personality parts is called your inner family in this site.

        From this view, "growing up" or "maturing" is the multi-decade process of convincing your governing  personality subselves to trust and heed the wisdom and judgment of your wise Self and other Regulars, rather than depend on the subselves of other people (or each other) as we did as children.

        Typical people who survive low-nurturance childhoods (i.e. most Americans) are unaware of...

• (a) being ruled by a false self much of the time, and (b) what that means; and...

• the behavioral symptoms they display; and...

• what life would feel like if their true Self were consistently trusted and free to guide them.

        How does what you just read compare with your concept of "personality"?  If you (i.e. your dominant personality parts) feel cynical, skeptical, and/or alarmed about subselves controlling normal people like you, read this letter to you, and experience a safe, interesting dialog with a subself of yours you admire. Then see how you feel...

Personalities and Gender

        Do you feel that typical male and female personalities have significant differences? Traditional wisdom suggests that they do. People range between indifferent to obsessive on judging their masculinity or femininity. Does anyone you know come to mind as you read this?

        Realities:

        Typical male and female minds and bodies are similar in some respects, and differ in others. These differences are not good or bad, any more than a rose is better than a poodle. Many people are taught to see males or females as "superior." This is usually based on...

• unawareness of dominant false selves, and...

• personal, parental, and/or ancestral (denied) feelings of inferiority (shame); and...

• inherited and socially-amplified ethnic stereotyping ("Blacks and Latinos are better lovers, and Mediterranean men are more macho than Quakers or monks"); and/or...

• unquestioned patriarchal biases from inherited sacred texts like the Bible, Koran, or similar.

        Some males are genetically endowed with "female brains" and vice versa. One implication is that some males have "feminine personalities" - e.g. they are more sensitive, emotional, reactive, relationship-oriented, social, and "softer" ("effeminate") than typical males.

        Conversely, some "masculine" females have "male brains and personalities" - e.g. they're more focused on physical activity, competition and winning, success, logic, things, power, and achievements. See this interesting comparison of male and female communication styles ("You Just Don't Understand," by Deborah Tannen), and compare it with your relationships and experience.

        These normal gender differences may or may not include same-gender sexual preferences. Evidence is slowly increasing that against ancestral and religious bias, homosexuality is partly (mostly?) based on inherited genetic predispositions - i.e. normal.

        Note that typical personality subselves may be male, female, or neither, regardless of the gender of their host person Therefore, they may have "masculine" or "feminine" traits of their own, and mild to strong gender-biases about other subselves and/or physical people.

        To make things more interesting, subselves in a host person may have different biases - e.g. one subself may see boys or men as inherently superior to girls and women, and other subselves may strongly disagree.

        So what does this view of human personality mean - in general, and in your life?

Three Implications

        First, the definition above implies that personality traits aren't aspects of a single entity - they're signs of several interactive, semi-independent subselves. Thus to say "Nate is really lazy" (a personality trait) belittles the whole person, rather than saying "Nate has a specially powerful subself who is scared to take risks and be assertive and active. Nate has a wide range of other talented subselves too, which seem to be suppressed and over-controlled by this dedicated Guardian subself."

        A corollary has to do with personal identities ("Who am I?") Thoughtful people can describe themselves with many traits "I'm a fe/male person who likes shrimp / has a bulldog / hates conflict / oversleeps too often / collects harmonicas / loves banjo music / is impulsive / has big ears and freckles / ...")

        People who do this are used to thinking that key psychological traits are part of their personality which can't change - specially the less thrilling qualities. A personal identity includes current social roles, names and titles, relationships, history, and other attributes beyond personality characteristics.

        The multi-subself view of personalities says "Yes, your unique mix of subselves give you certain psychological traits as an important part of your identity - and each subself may shift its priorities, values, and behavior if your true Self needs to negotiate that view change for the common good. See this article on hitting true bottom for more perspective.

        Second, the widespread human habit of stereotyping other people by their personality traits is usually wrong, and may harm persons and relationships. Recall the range of personality "types" you've encountered across your years.

        Would you agree that all of us tend to characterize each other by a few basic (personality and behavioral) traits - e.g. "Chris is  impulsive, sensitive, "fun," sexy, charming, cold, angry, depressed, driven, childish, serious, analytic, bigoted, zealous,...: and so on? We tend to simplistically characterize each other by (a) prominent traits and behaviors, and (b) our (subselves') main stereotypes and biases.

        Consider these examples of how dominant subselves promote simplistic judgments and often-harmful biases:

• "___ has an addictive personality." What this really means is "___ is often controlled by their protective Addict subself and related Inner Kids."

• "___ is oversexed and promiscuous." Reality: "___ is dominated by (a) shamed and guilty Inner Kids, who are guarded by (b) a Vamp/Playboy subself who ceaselessly tries to deflect their pain by creating sexual excitement;"

• "___ is a real cheapskate and miser." Reality: "___ is often ruled by a terrified Inner Child and a devoted Guardian subself who tirelessly tries to reduce the terror by distrusting the resident Self  and acquiring and hoarding key assets."

• "___ is a gossip and social butterfly." Reality: "___ is often unaware of being controlled by a group of subselves (false self) who distrust their true Self:

  • an Abandoned Child, and...

  • a Shamed Child ("I'm unlovable and will always be alone!"), and...

  • a Good/Obedient/Polite Child, and...

  • a well-intentioned Pessimist ("We're doomed to being alone forever!"), and...

  • a relentless People Pleaser ("Let's always be polite, unselfish, and thoughtful, so we won't be scorned, rejected, and abandoned!")

  And how about...

• "___ is a rigid, angry, frustrated, bigot (or terrorist)." Reality: ___ survived a very traumatic, low-nurturance childhood, and is unaware of being usually controlled by a false self composed of...

  • intense Rageful, Sad, Resentful, and Lost Inner Kids, and...

  • a relentless Inner Critic and Perfectionist, and...

  • a righteous Moralizer/Preacher, and...

  • a clever Magician/Rationalizer, and...

  • a dedicated Bigot/Zealot.

• "___'s just a born loser."  Reality: ___ was severely deprived and traumatized as a child, and has been chronically ruled by Shamed, Scared, and Lost Inner Kids; and their dedicated Fantasizer, Catastrophizer, Victim, Perfectionist, Addict, and Cynic Guardian parts who don't want to stress the Kids by allowing the host person to trust the wise resident true Self and start living a self-responsible adult life. 

        Try this yourself: review this article and it's list of common subselves, Make an initial inventory of subselves from each group you feel may make up your unique personality. Then pick one or several traits you "don't like" in yourself or another important person  - e.g. procrastinating, being "messy," forgetting names and dates, interrupting others, or bouncing checks.

        Then instead of labeling that as "a weakness and/or character (personality) flaw," try explaining the ("negative" ?) trait/s in terms of a well-meaning false self like the examples above. 

        A Third important implication is for child nurturers. Often, wounded, frustrated, and exasperated caregivers critically name-call (label) their kids (as their own caregivers did), without thinking how the label will shape the child's long-term self-image and identity.

        This can sound innocent, like "Nita, you just have a selfish  / mean / cowardly / spacey streak, don't you?" A sarcastic voice tone, avoiding eye contact and/or eye-rolls, and/or a scornful/disapproving face send the same toxic message.

        Typical preteens are self-centered, and take critical labels from key caregivers as literal cosmic truth that forever defines who they are as a whole person. Alternatively, disrespectful labels and inferences activate kids' antagonistic, stubborn Rebel subself - even if that increases relationship discord and frustration ("I don't care if you ground me!"). 

        Consider how different a child might react to...

• being taught an age-appropriate version of personality subselves (e.g. with simple cartoon faces or figures), and then...

• hearing a caregiver say something like "Wow, your Messy Girl subself is really taking you over recently, huh? Why don't we try to learn what she needs, and would help her be neater?"

        Notice your self talk now...

  Recap

        Minor kids are eventually taught or guess what a "personality" is. A traditional definition is vague, like "A personality is, well, a bunch of traits, talents, or characteristics of a person, like 'Wang is musical,' or 'Mary Lou is sweet, kind, and likes furry animals."

        The unexamined implication is that human personalities are monolithic "things" like a brain, which we acquire "somehow" like fingerprints or eye colors. Kids may learn that personalities "cause" people's thoughts and actions, but probably don't learn how this happens and what they can do about it. (Yes?)

        This article proposes that normal personalities of kids and adults are composed of a group of interrelated, semi-independent "subselves" or "parts," like the talented members of a team, committee,  or artistic group. The composition and behaviors of this group depends on (a) genetic and biological factors, (b) how nurturing (very low to very high) the child's home and other environments are, and (c) who usually leads the group - a protective false self, or the talented resident true Self.

        The article comments briefly on gender-related personality stereotypes, and examines three major implications of this ancient multi-subself concept.

        All 12 Projects in this nonprofit divorce-prevention Web site are based on this definition of personality. Project 1 is the keystone among them. It is dedicated to...

• describing a realistic framework for identifying psychological "wounds" and reducing them over time; and to...

• protect vulnerable descendents from unintentionally acquiring such wounds by intentionally providing a high-nurturance environment.

Caregivers are most apt to achieve this priceless goal if they are proactively reducing any false-self dominance they inherited from their unaware ancestors and their early years. For more perspective, see this.

        Pause and reflect - why did you read this article? If you got what you needed, what do you want to do next? If you didn't, what do you need now? Who's answering these questions - your wise, resident true Self, or "someone else"?