Premises About Relationship "Problems"

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        This is one of over 150 articles focused on building high-nurturance family relationships and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help.

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

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        All relationships create conflicts or problems - clashing values, perceptions, needs, and preferen-ces. Divorce, parent/spouse death, and remarriage cause lots of simultaneous conflicts for all kids and adults involved.

        This article proposes 21 premises about solving any relationship problem. The premises are about (a) you, and (b) resolving problems. I invite you to read these thoughtfully to discover what you believe. Your beliefs, attitudes, and communication skills will shape how well you're able to identify and fill your personal and social needs in any situation. A = "I agree," D = "I disagree," and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends" (on what?)

Premise 1:  The clearer you are on your set of basic beliefs and attitudes like these, the more you'll feel centered, serene, confident, calm, and productive in any life situation.  (A  D  ?) Moral: intentionally develop self-awareness!

Premise 2:  Regardless of age, gender, and setting, mutually-satisfying relationships usually have most of these four sets of ingredients. (A  D  ?)  Option - Use the linked summary to help identify missing ingredi-ents in your significant relationships.

 Premises About You

Premise 3: You are a truly unique, worthwhile person. Each other person in your life was and is just as unique and worthy in their own way. You have an intrinsic potential value to you, as judged by yourself and others. Anyone who needs to label you as "worthless" or "bad" probably feels that about themselves, but can't own that yet. (A  D  ?)

        Your worth comes from your natural capacity to promote wholistic health and growth, peace, safety, comfort, and love in living things, starting with yourself and those who depend on you. Your personal worth does not depend on whether you make other people "happy," no matter what others say or imply. We each are ultimately responsible for our own periods of happiness, and we can help each other find, enjoy, and extend them. (A  D  ?)

Premise 4: Being unique means that you have talents and abilities (gifts) which you may or may not recognize, develop, and use. Doing these bring periods of fulfillment and satisfaction ("happiness") over time. Other people have different (vs. better) gifts than yours. You have no control over what talents you're born with. You can control what you do with them. (A  D  ?)

Premise 5: You and others have inherent limitations which you didn't cause and can't change. You can...

• calmly acknowledge, accept, and adapt to your limits; or...

• feel guilty, ashamed, or angry about them, and minimize, project, and/or deny them.

The latter never promotes personal peace, health, productivity, and joy, long term. If your limitations cause a problem for others, it is their responsibility to resolve that, not yours - unless you're wounded and/or you've chosen to lie about yourself. Their disappointment or frustration with your limits is your problem to accept or to act to change. (A  D  ?)

Premise 6: all normal people (like you) have one personality. It is composed of talented subselves, like the players in an orchestra or sports team. Each subself has unique abilities, limitations, needs, and values, and is dedicated to your survival. All of them together form an inner family which behaves just like your "outer" (physical) family. They cause your thoughts, hunches, dreams, moods, and behaviors moment to moment and over time. (A  D  ?)

        For more perspective on your subselves, read this and return. If you're skeptical (or curious) about this idea, read this memo to you with an open mind, and try this safe, interesting exercise. Then return here. If you still scoff at the idea of normal personality subselves, the articles in this non-profit Web site will be of little use to you. 

Premise 7: Your human relationships range from none through ambivalent to close / intimate to primary. Each relationship's rank is based on your exchange of mutual respect and admiration; your mutual need-fulfillment (premise 2); the compatibility of your respective interests, styles, (e.g. conservative > liberal), and wounds; and the degree of your  bonding. (A  D  ?) 

  See this for more premises about persons and relationships.

 Premises About Relationship Problems

Premise 8:  Here, the word problem means "one or more unmet needs in one or more personality subselves or people." A need is a significant physical, psychological, or spiritual discomfort. We kids and adults semi-consciously seek to get and keep personal balance and peace by acting to fill enough of our current needs, which change all the time. (A  D  ?)
 

Premise 9: all human relationships are powered by each partner trying to fill their main current primary needs well enough. Thus permanently solving your inner-personal and interpersonal (social) relationship problems hinges on all partners identifying and filling their current primary (vs. surface or secondary) needs well enough. (A  D  ?)

Premise 10: Your and my needs are...

neither good nor bad, like our eye color or fingerprints. The way we act to fill our needs can be "good" or "bad," if our attitudes and behaviors cause discomfort or block health and growth in someone. Many of us were taught to shame ourselves or others for being "too needy." That's like labeling a person bad or weak for needing to breathe. (A  D  ?)

conscious, semi-conscious, and unconscious. Our conscious needs are usually on the "surface" of our awareness ("I need the car now"). There are usually deeper semi-conscious and unconscious primary needs ("I need the security of knowing now that I have a reliable way of getting to the bank and back, so I'll have cash to handle unexpected expenses.") Effective problem-solving requires discerning and filling primary needs!  (A  D  ?)

        And human needs...

interact - my emotional, physical, and spiritual needs cause and affect yours, and vice versa (A  D  ?); and our needs...

are satisfied temporarily; then may recur (A  D  ?). And our needs...

come in complex clusters. At any moment, you and others have groups of minor to major emotional, physical, and spiritual surface and primary needs that vary in priority (discomfort) and constantly shift and interact (A  D  ?). And your needs...

follow a natural ranking or hierarchy - i.e. we semi-consciously rank some needs as more important than others. Our priorities shift, with age, wisdom, and circumstance. (A  D  ?)

Premise 10:  Key factors in the outcome of any relationship problem are...

• what each person's current primary (vs. surface) needs are, and...

• how each person ranks their and their partner's needs at the moment and over time. 

Inner and mutual peace may happen when all partners genuinely believe "Your and my needs are equally important to me now, so let's help each other fill them." This site calls this an equal/equal ("=/=") or win-win attitude. Most social frustrations, conflicts, and divorces happen because partners (i.e. their ruling subselves) (a) don't identify and own their primary needs, and (b) don't genuinely rank their needs or values as =/=, over time. (A  D  ?)

        Corollary: a key parental task is to patiently, lovingly guide minor kids to change their natural egocentric "My needs come first" instincts to "Your and my needs rank equally with me now." The latter attitude is a trait of true maturity. Adults can't teach that if they don't model it spontaneously. (A  D  ?)

 Recall - these 21 premises are core beliefs that shape how effectively partners view and try to resolve their "relationship problems." This effectiveness takes conscious effort to achieve (e.g. work at Project 2), and is vital for building a high-nurturance family and life.

More premises...

Premise 11: Most significant relationship "problems" have four parts: