The Web address of this
article is
http://sfhelp.org/basics/problems.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational pop-up, so
please turn off your brow-ser's popup
blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
wounds,
building
high-nurturance
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
cycle,
and preventing divorce.
This introduction describes this Web site's
purpose and the best ways to use it. Eacharticle is part
of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you
read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
qualified
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
need?
+ + +
All families (like yours) have "problems" - i.e.
conflicting and unmet
needs. This article summarizes three levels of common
problems in
typical intact biofamilies. See this
similar article if you're in a
divorcing family
or
stepfamily
- or may be.
The article illustrates the three levels of common
"problems" to help you identify and satisfy the underlying primary needs
in your family.
Most
people focus on reducing their surface problems, so their underlying needs go
unfilled and surface symptoms often recur. Once aware of these
three levels, people can work together to resolve their primary
problems, improve their relationships and health, and raise their family's
nurturance level.
All adults and kids want stable, safe, satisfying relationships and
families. The size and scope of the U.S. coaching, counseling, and therapy professions
suggest how elusive these prizes are in our culture. Based on 28 years'
research and clinical experience, this outline proposes (a) why this
is, and (b) what we can all do about it. See if
you agree with the premises below. Links will take you to more detail.
First, see how you feel about these fundamental...
Premises...
all families and relationships exist to nurture (fill
personal needs). Some nurture better than others. I Agree /
I Disagree / ? (It depends on...)
all personal and social "problems"
and "issues" are unfilled
needs (psychological + spiritual + physical discomforts);
(A D ?)
typical needs range between surface /
secondary to
intermediate to primary, and
immediate to long-term;
(A D ?)
most people
(like you?) aren't trained or motivated to
distinguish between their surface
needs and the unfilled primary needs
that cause them - i.e. they don't know what they don't know; (A
D ?)
typical
family members have
three layers of concurrent problems: surface, intermediate, and
primary:
Level 1) Typical
SURFACE Problems over...
addictions and unhealthy
compulsions
"moods," like
depression
excessive fears, anger, or
apathy
excessive social isolation
a range of psychosomatic
illnesses
conflicts among family adults
and kids
impasses and relationship
cutoffs
family role (responsibility)
conflicts
interpersonal rules,
boundaries, and conse-quences
asset and debt ownership and
manage-ment, including saving vs. spending, insurance, and estate
plans
personal, couple, and family
privacy
personal health issues
home decorating and maintenance
buying and maintaining
appliances
local or long-distance moves
relations with relatives and
friends
work and career problems
leisure and socializing choices
parenting stressors
balancing work, play, and rest
family vacations, holidays,
rituals, and
celebrations
family conflicts over religion,
politics,
and healthcare
neighborhood and community
activities
Level 2) Underlying
INTERMEDIATE Problems
adult ignorance (lack of
knowledge) of...
effective
communication basics and problem-solving
skills; and
of...
healthy-grieving
basics,
and how to spot and finish
incomplete mourning;
and...
widespread child
neglect, abuse, and resultant psychological wounding.
Does this match your experience?
Implications
If your family members have significant "problems" (level 1 above) you and/or they are probably
unaware of what's really causing them. If so, your efforts to
solve the problems and/or to hire unaware others to help you solve them
(like counselors) probably won't fill your primary needs for long.
If you don't commit to learning (a) the level-2 topics above and (b) how
to
"dig down"
below surface problems to
discern your primary needs (levels 2 and 3 above), then...
the
nurturance level of your
relationships and family will be lower than they could be, and...
your wounded kids will leave home not knowing how to
identify and resolve their primary problems.
This will spread the toxic
[wounds + unawareness] cycle, and weaken our society.
If you're used to being controlled by a well-meaning,
short-sighted
false self,
you risk (a) achieving far less than your true potential as a
worthy, talented person, and (b) dying prematurely.
If you don't
alert other people
- specially co-parents - to these three problem levels - who will?
Options
Experiment with this powerful
dig-down
technique to uncover your primary needs, and then use win-win
problem-solving to fill them effectively.
Meditate on your current life
priorities. If your personal wholistic health and integrity are not
#1, you may be suffering from self neglect (other things are more
important than my health and wellbeing) and reality distortion (I
will suffer no serious effects from self neglect).
Interview your wise
Future Self, and see what s/he
advises you about your current life problems, opportunities, and
decisions.
On behalf of any dependent and unborn
kids, choose an open mind, a long-range view, and patiently study
these slide presentations. Then
invite your mate and other family adults and supporters to do the
same. Then talk together about what the ideas in the presentations
mean to you all. If the slides don't display properly, see
this,
and/or study and discuss these
foundation ideas.
Honestly
assess yourself
for false-self wounds, and commit to patient personal
recovery from any you find(Project 1).
Invite your partner and any
ex mate/s to do the same. You are not responsible for their decisions. If you
ignore, postpone, or minimize this assessment, you're probably
wounded and used to being dominated
by a reactive false self.
As you reduce any wounds,
work to learn and practice effective
communication skills
(Project 2)
and healthy grieving basics
(Project 5).
If you have questions about
your situation, review this index, these Q&A items,
and the site directory, and/or
search the site.
Pause, b-r-e-a-t-h-e, and reflect. What are your subselves
saying
now? Did you get what you needed from reading this? If so, what do you
need to do now? If not - what
do
you need? Who's
answering
- your wise
true Self or
"someone else"?
The Web address of this
article is
http://sfhelp.org/basics/problems.htm
Premises...
Level 2) Underlying
INTERMEDIATE Problems