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what do you
|
"Follow the three R's: Respect for self, Respect for
others,
and Responsibility for all your actions."
- the Dalai Lama |
Do you - or does someone you care about - have "low self esteem"? Would you like
to raise your self respect and learn how to react to people who don't think
much of themselves - or you? Read on...
Contents
perspective on self respect
and mutual respect, including the roots of low self
esteem; and options for...
improving
self respect and non-egotistical self-love,
improving your respect
for another person, and options for...
re/gaining someone's respect
for you.
This article assumes you're
familiar with these...
If you
doubt the idea of
normal personality subselves, read this letter to you, and
then try this safe,
interesting experience. If you're still skeptical, a
well-meaning
may
control you, and you may get little from reading this article.
Status check:
Try saying your definition of respect out loud now. Then think of
yourself and another person you value, and thought-fully rank each of these items from 1 (“very
low”) to 10 (“very high”). Notice your thoughts and feelings
as you do.
My recent respect for myself as
a person: ___
My recent respect for myself as
a fe/male: ___
My recent respect for myself as
an adult: ___
Option: my recent respect for myself as
a parent: ___
In the last
six months, my
self-respect has grown / declined / neither
My recent respect for you as a
person: ___
My recent respect for
you as
a fe/male: ___
My recent respect for you as a
adult: ___
Option: my recent respect for you as a
parent: ___
In the last
six months, my
respect for you has grown / declined / neither
Estimate how
your special person would
answer each of the above.
I feel some mix of
calm,
centered, energized, light, focused, resilient,
up, grounded, relax-ed, alert, aware, serene,
purposeful, and clear, so my
is probably
my
now. (True
/ False / I'm not sure)
Pause and reflect
- what are you aware of now? Do you see
anything above that you want to change?
Respect 101
Identify two or more living or dead
adults that you highly respect (vs. like or need). Now think
of several adults or kids that you don't respect. Reflect - what's
different about these people? This will illuminate your current criteria
for respect. Did you include yourself in either of these groups?
Premise - All
human relationships are shaped by the primal need to feel
worthy, valued, proud, im-portant, and good –
i.e.
respectable. For our purposes, let's say that
respect is a
spontaneous earned (vs. "deserved") attitude of approval and admiration
of some aspects of yourself or another person. It is an essential
ingredient of self and mutual
love.
The opposite of respect is indifference, scorn, disdain, rejection, revulsion, and/or
disgust. Some people label all these together as hate. Paradoxically, we can
dislike a person and still respect
some qualities about them - or like and disrespect them at the same time.
Have you ever felt that?
Shame-based People
Self
respect begins in early childhood if caregivers respect themselves, and
family nurturance is
The more common alternative in America is
a crippling
childhood
belief that “I am unworthy, bad, incompetent, and unlovable.”
Without
and skilled help,
childhood shame migrates intact into adulthood. Shame ranges from local
(e.g. “I’m a bad cook”) to global (“I’m a worthless person.”), and from normal to ex-cessive. Normal (healthy) shame and guilt
help us regulate
our attitudes and behaviors.
Most kids in
childhoods
develop a powerful
personality
To adapt, we also develop several fierce
who protect
and comfort our intense Shamed Child. Typical Guardians are the
(reality distorter),
Saint, Bully, Star,
and others.
These normal personality parts can also guard
a
and
If the Shamed Child
and related Guardians often control the person’s
(capital "S"), the child or adult may be called
My clinical experience
since 1981 suggests that many American adults are shame-based (woun-ded) people who don’t (want to) know
that.
Until they choose to admit this and to intentionally grow self-respect, non-egotistical
and
they
risk unintentionally raising shame-based kids as their wounded
ancestors did. Do you know any parents or grandparents who are doing that?
Once aware of low self respect, you can intentionally improve it over time. Doing
this is learning to
value and act from your
and overcome significant guilts ("I'm too self-centered!") and anxieties
("I'll be disliked and rejected!").
Strengthening self respect is
a major benefit of working at
here.
How do you feel about these premises? Could they apply to
you and other adults and kids you care about?
Degrees of Respect
Respect
for a
person is a spontaneous (earned) attitude of significant approval, admiration, and appreciation. Respect can vary from...
global ("I respect
everything about Tanya") to...
situational ("Manuel did an outstanding job
handling the crisis."), to respecting one or more...
traits, abilities, and/or
roles ("Pat is such a gifted musician.")
Can you think of examples of all three levels
among the adults and kids you know?
Criteria for Respect
Over time, we grow criteria for awarding respect,
starting with standards we learn from our early caregivers and hero/ines. We (our
ruling personality subselves) ceaselessly measure ourselves and other people against these
criteria. Is that your experience? Try
saying your criteria for "respectability" out loud'? - "I respect
people who..."
My
criteria are
courage, strength, resilience, determination, caring, responsibility, realistic
optimism, reliability, integrity, open-mindedness, dignity, empathy, pride,
awareness, compassion, spiritu-ality, humor, creativity, resourcefulness,
forgiveness, honesty, humility, wisdom, simplicity, and
I've never met anyone with all these traits, and still know many
people I greatly respect.
My shame-based father would have emphasized hard worker,
superior, disciplined, persistent, competitive,
professional, logical, humorous, and stoic. I have no idea what my Mother's criteria
for respect were. Can you name your parents' criteria? If so, how do they
compare to yours?
Respect and Communication
After ~50 years' study, I conclude that people communicate
with themselves and others to fill a dy-namic mix of
Perhaps the most
powerful is the quenchless need to feel respected enough now and over
time by (a) yourself and (b) important others.
| Our subselves constantly
judge others' esteem for us by decoding
from their behavior.
Communication may (vs. will) be
only when
each adult or child gets a credible mutual-respect message from the
other. Do you agree? |
Recall the last time you felt scorned, distrusted, discounted, rejected, ignored,
humiliated, belittled, invaded, abused, accused, blamed, criticized,
interrupted,
and dismissed - i.e. disrespected. Re-member how that felt? How old were
you when you first experienced these from another person? If you have kids,
when did they first experience these?
Premise:
If you and
other people
don't feel consistently respected enough by yourselves and each other, (a) your
relationship will be stressful and may decay. Do you agree? To intentionally convert shame
to genuine
self respect, healthy pride, and self-love, it helps to under-stand…
The Roots of Low Self Esteem
Core shame or self-respect
begin in a
child's earliest years before language develops.
Whether shame or healthy pride develops is directly proportional to who leads
their parents’
Adults guided by their
usually rear kids who think well of themselves and other people. Excessive (vs. normal) shame has wryly been called “the gift that goes on giving.”
Behavioral
symptoms
of a shame-based person
are unmistakable:
avoiding appropriate eye contact; compulsive
defensiveness; excessive fear of failure; chronic
poor personal
hygiene and health (self-
including
obesity;
"egotism," self-mutilation; living below potentials; and over-apologizing. See
this for other symptoms.
Anyone come to mind as you read these traits?
Inner Critic
and Shamed Inner Child/ren
The personality of shame-based adults and
kids is significantly shaped by a tireless
(also called the Shamer) and one or more Shamed Child/ren.
When ever the Critic activates, this intense young subself
the
host person with
agonizing semi-conscious thoughts, feelings, and images which imply "I am
a worthless, unlovable, flawed, bad person / male
/ female / child."
For (illogical) reasons, your Inner Critic feels s/he
must acidly emphasize your endless shameful failings, mistakes,
stupidities, blunders, and ineptnesses "for your own good!" S/He does
this through relentless thoughts and images. Meditation often discloses
that your Critic's "voice" (thought streams) sounds like
an early caregiver... Can you here "the voice" now?
If a subself or other person dares to challenge
our obvious worthlessness and unlovability ("You're such a great person!"), the Critic
relentlessly refreshes the old “truth” ("No way! Remember when you to-tally screwed up
by...”). If your Inner critic is overactive, study Hal and Sidra Stone’s
useful book “Embracing
Your Inner Critic.”
Other Subselves
A typical Inner Critic has several powerful
teammates. Your tireless
subself
insists...
"Perfect behavior is the lowest acceptable standard.
It deserves no praise whatsoever. Anything less, I'm gonna go get the Critic.
And s/he has a l-o-o-n-g memory..."
Your
and/or
constantly
guard your
against re-experien-cing the
agony of dashed hopes by ceaselessly insisting "You
won't (or can’t) succeed / get loved / please others / get healthier / stay
safe..."
And perhaps you have a
whose life mission is to generate shrill uncertainties and second guesses
about every decision and action you make. The well-intentioned goal is to
guard you against all possible failures, according to
Inner Critic, Perfectionist, God, and various humans.
Your Critic,
Perfectionist, Cynic, and Doubter are probably supported by
an outspoken
or
Their self-appointed jobs are to provide rigid, right-wrong pronouncements to guide other
subselves (and most other people) on how they should and
must behave.
Finally, you may be blessed and cursed with an energetic
Her or his mission is to protect your Abandoned Child and/or
Lonely Child (subselves) from agonizing rejection (shaming) by having
you constantly focus on filling other people's needs to earn their
fragile approval.
Typical Pleasers insist "You
can take care of your needs later. They're not as important to us as
__________'s needs are!" An overzealous Pleaser can (unintentionally) promote the toxic conditions of
and
and block effective win/win problem-solving.
Before significant
from childhood
these well-meaning Guardian subselves (a
distrust the competence of your
subselves.
Their thoughts, images, and feelings "take you over," specially in new,
public, or risky situations.
The inevitable result is ongoing inner
anxiety and conflict, and frequent feelings of shame, guilt, confusion, and
vague or sharp "worry." Does any of this sound familiar?
Grown Nurtured Children (GNCs)
and Self-respect
Adults blessed with
childhood
caregivers can be called Grown Nurtured Chil-dren
(GNCs).
They have Inner Critics and other devoted Guardian subselves too.
However, they're more reasonable and moderate, and are balanced by other
subselves who are sincerely affirming, loving, and encouraging.
GNC’s subselves usually trust their true Self to hear and respect
their needs and opinions, and then to act safely and effectively in every
situation. A GNC's Shamed Child is present, but s/he
usually feels noticed, accepted, and loved enough by other subselves
and people. Other inner kids are usually more active and impactful. Do you
know any Grown Nurtured Children?
Because self-scorn and neglect are socially labeled
"negative," we can feel ashamed of our shame. Other Guardian subselves like
the (your)
Repressor,
Deflector, and
work hard to camouflage these traits
from inner and outer detection and shaming criticism via
This often promotes daily guilts and anxieties, which feel normal.
| Bottom Line:
low self esteem begins in early childhood if
wounded caregivers can't consistent-ly provide healthy nurturance. Various personality subselves
learn early to be rigidly perfectionistic, self-critical, self-shaming, and
self-neglectful, and to discount talents, achievements, and successes. When this
dynamic becomes excessive, such a wounded adult can be called "shame-based." |
Shame Seeks Itself
My
experience with over 1,000 typical adult therapy clients since 1981 is that
we shame-based (wounded) people
repeatedly
choose others like us for partners and associates. That suggests that de-spite outward appearances,
many
and re/married couples share low self
esteem (shame) as persons, or in some key roles like wo/man, parent,
grown child, friend, wage-earner, and/or neighbor.
If a person (like you) starts
to significantly improve their self respect, shame-based relationship partners
(i.e. their ruling subselves) may
feel increasingly uneasy and unconsciously try to discourage or sabotage the healing...
Notice your
thoughts and emotions now. Anything like "This sure doesn't apply to me!"; or “Oh NO -
it does! I'm (probably or surely) ruled by shame-based subselves!
What can I do?" Or maybe you're thinking of one or more others in your
life, like your past or present mate, a parent, or sibling, who seem dominated
by shame-promoting false selves.
A Word about
Words
Respect is an attitude caused by semi-consciously evaluating a
set of criteria. It can be
conscious-ly discussed and changed, once you’re motivated to do so. Respect and
esteem mean the same thing here. Scorn and contempt imply major
disrespect.
Love is a rich mix of attitudes
and emotions that is not subject to logical discussion and intentional
change. Like trust and respect, it must be earned.
Shame and
are mental judgments [“I am worthy
(or worthless) and (un)lovable”] and related emotions.
Humility is wanting to
appreciate the talents and accomplishments of other people as much as your
own.
is an
Inner-Critic judgment [“I do bad things – break (someone’s) rules.”] and
related feelings and thoughts which mimic shame. You can intentionally assess and reduce
guilt in yourself, but not in another person.
See this for options.
Status check: See how you
feel about each of these ideas so far. “A” = agree, “D” = disagree, and “?” = ”I’m
not sure, or don’t care.”
Respect, pride, and forgiveness are some of the components
of love. Intentionally improving these components may or may
not grow love. (A D ?)
I can intentionally assess, discuss,
and improve self respect and mutual respect with any receptive person. (A D ?)
Any motivated, aware person can choose to reduce
excessive shame and grow
non-egotistical pride in their own unique values, abilities, and traits, over time.
(A D ?)
I am responsible for my
self-respect, attitudes, and actions; but not for any other able
adult's self-respect,
self-love, guilt, and shame or pride - and vice versa. (A D ?)
Accepting the responsibility of
nurturing minor kids includes the responsibility for unself-ishly
encouraging their self-respect, self-appreciation, and self-love, and their
humility.
(A D ?)
I have the indisputable right to decide
whom I respect, when, and why - and others have the same right, (A D
?)
Any aware adult can choose to
identify, reduce, and avoid excessive guilt. (A D ?)
We can earn, but not consciously create
or force,
self-love and/or mutual love. (A D ?)
Acceptance of each other is not being nonjudgmental,
it’s being truly at peace with the judgments we make of ourselves and each
other. (A D ?)
If disrespect for yourself or
someone else is eroding your
relationship, you can improve your self-respect (next
page). You may or
may not be able to regain respect for or from another person (next page).
Options for Improving
Respect
The
next two pages explore these
options. </
