|
|
|
of
Learn basics and seven skills to fill everyone's needs better |
 |
A
Sample Personal Bill of Rights
A Foundation for Self and
Mutual
Respect
and Healthy Relationships
By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW |
 The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/basics/rights.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational pop-up, so
please turn off your browser's popup
blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and preventing divorce.
This introduction describes the Web site's
purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part
of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you
read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
 Why a
Bill of Personal Rights?
Can you think of anything more essential for personal confidence and
effectiveness than senses of genuine (vs. pseudo) dignity and
self-esteem? Can you name someone who has those priceless qualities? Do
you have them in calm and
conflictual or confusing situations? Where do these qualities come from?
Answering that could fill a book. For our purposes, let's just say that
typical kids fortunate enough to grow up in a
environment enter adulthood with reasonably good senses of their and others'
human dignity and self worth. Typical
of low-nurturance early years often start independent living with shaky,
situational, or low senses of their own worth and integrity. Many can be
called
Having a vague, shaky, or no sense of self-worth and personal dignity has
many toxic effects. One is not being able to (a) maintain a genuine
mutual-respect
about some or all other people. Another is
having major difficulty in
validating and
your own needs, opinions, and boundaries with other people effectively.
Intentionally evolving a Bill of Personal Rights can help to minimize both
these handicaps - if the person has made significant progress
her or his
to guide and harmonize their crew of
If
you care about someone in a
family or a stepfamily, read on. Otherwise, go here.
Special Perspective About Stepfamilies
Typical
are
complex.
They feel very different than intact
one-home biofamilies. Bioparents and
stepparents ("co-parents") and their
kids are all confronted with a
concurrent array of challenging personal and shared tasks which
must be mastered over many years for personal and stepfamily
stability and satisfying
relationships. As
co-parents work to evolve a
stepfamily they can easily get overwhelmed by many
concurrent and alien
and
This risk of overwhelm, confusion,
and self-doubt is
specially true for novice stepmoms and stepdads, who probably have never had to
"do" this complicated, alien family role before. It's also specially true for
(
co-parents. They are
rarely used to being
of and living consistently from their individual rights
as a worthy, dignified person.
The complex, alien challenge of evolving effective stepfamily child discipline forces co-parents and
kids to confront their individual values and beliefs about authority, power, and personal rights.
Frustrated co-parents can often lose sight of minor and
grown kids' personal
rights, as well as their own. And a normal part of being a dependent child is to
minimize or ignore the rights of caregivers, in the daily struggle to overcome feeling
incompetent, self-doubting, and powerless, and to gain the freedom to decide
"things" for themselves.
Stop and reflect ... has each
child in your life ever had an adult encourage them to start building a clear
sense of their own core rights as unique, worthy
persons? Did anyone do that for you as a child? If not, what
has that meant to you?
Build and use a Bill of
Personal Rights to...
Thoughtfully evolved by their resident
and wise advisors, a declaration of personal rights can clarify and remind any
person (like you) of
their legitimate choices, behaviors, values, and needs as unique, worthy
(dignified)
persons.
|
An
explicit, authentic Personal Bill
of Rights is one foundation for effective
which are essential for successful
negotiations. Kids of any age can have a Bill of Personal Rights too! So can
stepparents, ex mates, and their relatives. Is there anyone in your home or multi-home
(or life)
that doesn't merit a declaration of personal dignity respected by you? |
Use
this sample Bill as "wet clay" from which to craft your own.
For
authenticity and effectiveness, your Bill of Personal Rights should come from
within
...
These statements
will clarify and remind me of my rights as a Natural, dignified human being. I was not
taught some of these beliefs as a child, and can strengthen my belief in them today. Affirming my
personal rights repeatedly will help free me of old inhibitions and distorted beliefs, and
empower me to be firmly assertive (vs. aggressive or submissive) with others in a clear,
positive, respectful way.
It's healthy for me to honor and respect my own
rights and
as much as I do those of every other person. I can
legitimately proclaim and pursue these rights without
or
in any
way that doesn’t interfere with other adults’ and kids’ equal rights.
I
need no one's permission to adopt and live from these beliefs.
No matter what my age,
experience, or situation, I am a rare, unique, human
Being - as is every other person. I bring a blend of talents, knowledge, and motives to the world like no other
living or dead person. I honor and respect my own uniqueness - and that of each other
person in my life. I claim the right to be ME, without explanation, apology, or
defense. I am responsible for being
me, at all times. I
affirm others' equal right to be their own unique
(plural).
I Now
Declare My Human Right to...
1) Experience all my own emotions. They are a natural
part of being human. They include fear, sadness, anger, shame, uncertainty, confusion,
joy, lust, hope, pride, happiness, etc. - even "numbness." I am not bad,
weak, or wrong for feeling, and there is no such thing as a
"negative" emotion.
2) Describe and/or express my feelings to others if and
when I choose to, without feeling obligated, guilty, or ashamed. I am
responsible for this choice but not for others' reactions.
3) Say "Yes," "No," "I can't," and "I don't know," without
undue guilt, shame, or anxiety - and to be responsible
for the consequences.
4) Choose if, when, and how to meet others’
expectations of me.
if I choose not to meet them, I need not feel guilty unless I've
clearly committed to do so. I am responsible for such choices and
their consequences.
5) Choose my own friends and acquaintances, and
how and when to
spend time with them. I may, but don’t have to, justify these
choices to others.
6) Make my own mistakes, and learn from and profit by them if I
can;
7) Choose if, when, and how to respectfully
clearly how
their actions are affecting me - and to take responsibility for doing
so.
8) Earn and maintain my own self-respect and pride,
rather than depending on other people’s opinions of me.
9) Seek and accept or decline help without undue shame,
anxiety, or guilt;
10) Give others the responsibility for their own beliefs,
decisions, feelings, and thoughts, without feeling guilty, anxious, or selfish.
Feeling responsible for other able adults often burdens me, and
their growing
self-confidence and
self-respect.
And I declare my personal right to ...
11)
Seek
situations, environments, and
relationships that I feel are healthy, growthful, and nurturing for me. I
may - but don't have to - explain or justify
these decisions to other people.
12) Be spontaneous, play, and have fun!
13) Develop and grow at my own pace, and in the directions I feel
are best for me. This does not mean I ignore other's similar rights or
their
well-meant counsel.
14) Appreciate my own efforts and enjoy my
achievements without guilt, anxiety, or shame.
Normal
(vs. excessive) pride is not a sin, and never was.
15) Act to fill my own wants and
rather than demand or expect others
to do so for me;
16) Periods of guilt-free rest, refreshment, reflection, and relaxation.
these are as productive for me as times of work and action.
17) Choose whom I will
when,
how much, and with what;
18) Take on only as much as I can handle at any given time, and to tell
others if I feel overloaded, without shame, anxiety, or guilt;
19) Nurture, love, and value myself as much as I do others who
are special to me. Being "Self-ish" (attending my own needs and
nurturance) is healthy and good - as long as I don't hinder, minimize, or disrespect other's
rights to care for themselves.
20) Choose the paths and goals I wish for my life, and to pursue them
without guilt, shame, or the need to explain or justify them to others;
And I also claim my unarguable rights to...
21)
Take all the time I need to
evaluate and make important life-decisions. If this stresses others,
they are responsible for asserting their needs and I'm responsible
for balancing them with mine.
22)
Care for my body and Spirit lovingly and respectfully, in my own
ways.
23) Choose my own
and
and act on them as I see fit.
24)
Distinguish between who other people
say I
am (or was) and who I really am.
25) Be
and clearly understood.
My thoughts, feelings,
wants,
dreams, and dignity are as valid, worthy, and important as anyone else’s.
26)
Define excellence in any situation,
and to choose if, when, and how to strive for this standard or not.
27)
Choose how to
balance and spend my time, and take the
short and long-term consequences;
28)
Tell others
what I expect of them,
realizing they legitimately may or may not choose to fulfill these
expectations.
29)
Choose how and when to peacefully fill my
needs, even if
my choices conflict with others’ values or wishes. I do not
have the right to force my spiritual or religious views, values, or
practices on other people, nor do I grant others the right to force
theirs on me.
And I further
affirm my unarguable right to...
30)
past personal
and
over time, and replace unhealthy
inner beliefs I’ve lived by with more nurturing and productive ones.
31)
Listen to and
heed my
with interest and
respect, and to sort out my
from others
I hear.
32)
Have my physical, emotional, and spiritual privacy and
respected by others. I accept my
responsibility to respect theirs as well.
33)
of others how they feel about me,
what they think about me, and what they need from me. They may
choose to comply or not.
34)
Decide if, when, and how to
forgive (a) my
mistakes and (b) any hurts received from others. I affirm that forgiveness promotes
health, growth, and
35)
Work respectfully and peacefully to
change laws, rules, or
situations I
feel are unjust or harmful to me and/or others.
36)
Evolve and use my Bill of Personal
Rights, and learn how this affects me and others. I affirm others' equal right and
opportunity to do the same or not.
37) ___________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
38) ___________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________
Options
Rewrite parts or all of this sample to make it
yours. Read each statement out loud, and reflect: "Do I
really believe this (or
something like it) now?" If the answer is "No", or "I'm not
sure," get clear on what you do believe. Take your time.
Your set of basic
un/conscious attitudes and beliefs ("rules") shape your daily choices,
relationships, and achievements!
Acknowledge your
childhood adults' responsibility
to have taught you their versions of your Rights to get you started in
life.
Then accept your adult
responsibility to decide if what they taught you fits you well, or if you need to adopt new standards. When is the
right
or best time to do this? What if you don't?
Reread this
sample Bill and thoughtfully consider whether each of your key childhood
caregivers would agree to each Right. Option: if they're available, give
them a copy of this and discuss it with them.
Read
these co-parent
affirmations, and compose your
own; and browse these inspirations
for guidance and clarity.
Note
that changing basic beliefs
is a second-order
(core attitude)
The beliefs that shape your daily decisions and actions are held by the
which rule your
Forging and consistently acting on your personal rights
and identity (your integrity) is most likely
if your
(capital "S") leads your other subselves. If you
(your ruling subselves) don't genuinely believe rights like those above, an option
is to identify which subself holds (or doubts) that belief, and learn what it would
take for him or her to change it.
More options...
Post this Bill somewhere in plain view
where you can refresh
yourself daily on what it stands for.
Give a copy of this to each
older child and adult in your home and/or encourage them to evolve their own Bill.
Respect their right to do so or not.
If you participate in a
support or other group (like a church congregation), consider showing
this Bill to them and discussing it.
If you care about
someone with "low self esteem" (excessive shame and guilt), weigh the
pros and cons of giving them a copy of this. Caution - if s/he's ruled
by a
doing this may
appear to be a put down ["You can't define your own rights, so I'll do it
for you -
Consider if and how you
co-parents wish to incorporate your family members' Bills of Rights in any
family
and
co-parent
(responsibilities) you evolve and use.
|
Refer to this Bill any time you feel major
and interpersonal
conflicts
to help clarify each person's basic rights as you work together for
win-win resolutions.
|
Reflect: why did you read this? Did you get what you needed? Breathe,
and notice how you feel now. If you'd like to feel this way more often,
what's in the way? Do you know if your true Self is
your
now?
+ + +
<< Previous page
/ Add to favorites
/ Print page
/ Email this article's address
>>
home
/ site overview
/
directory /
site map
/
Q&A /
/
solutions
/
site search
/
glossary
research /
free course /
guidebooks
/
forum /
resources / feedback
and/or subscribe / *
Updated
May 04, 2008
|