The Web
address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/basics/roles_rules.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so
please turn off your browser's popup
blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and preventing divorce.
This introduction describes the Web site's
purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part
of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you
read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
To get the most from this article, first
read this...
This article offers perspectives on two aspects of any human group (like
a family system) -
roles (responsibilities to each other and society)
and rules (how to perform
family roles "acceptably").
Each of these can cause significant confusion
and conflict in and between family members, so typical family adults and
supporters do well to understand these basics.
The article proposes six
options family adults can use
to (a) avoid or (b) resolve role and rule conflicts.
For
fun, say your definition of "family roles" out loud. Then compare it to
this:
About Family Roles
Would you agree that groups of people
"work better" when each person knows what they and other members are
responsible for? A role is a
set of values and responsibilities
that someone accepts - or feels someone else should want to accept
("Jennie and Mel are responsible for caring for their baby.")
A role
identifies a person's responsibilities in the context of a group, and may
prioritize (rank) them. Can you name all the roles you've chosen or accepted
in your current life? Common examples are
parent, child, sibling, home-owner, citizen, neighbor, vehicle-operator,
employee or student, friend, neighbor, consumer, and bill-payer.
|
Note that a role is not
a person - e.g. "stepmother" is a set of
responsibilities, not the woman who accepts them. Implication:
if "Manny is a harsh father," it does not mean he is a "bad"
person!
|
Social roles can be...
-
freely chosen by an adult, consciously or unconsciously; or...
-
dictated (imposed) by some person or group (like society) and
accepted or rejected; or...
-
negotiated co-operatively by all group members to fill their
respective
In
families, all adults and children are (a) clear and comfortable enough with
their several concurrent roles (e.g. daughter, granddaughter, sister, and
niece), and (b) agree well enough on them. In low-nurturance families and
groups, roles are imposed, assumed, vague,
unstable (variable), disputed, and/or inappropriate (don't fit members'
abilities and interests).
What's the nurturance level of
your family now?
Family roles usually come in pairs:
parent–child; husband–wife; brother–sister; uncle–nephew; and so on. We give
unique titles to our family roles to identify our expectations of how
each person is "supposed to" feel and act toward the other person.
Multi-generational (extended) biofamilies have up to 15 standard
roles, like father, aunt, nephew, sister, grandfather,…
Typical
have up to
– like step-grandfather, half-sister, step-cousin, non-custodial
biofather, and visiting stepdaughter and stepsister. The (a)
responsibilities of each of these alien new "jobs," and (b) the values and
rules governing how to "do" the roles right are often unclear to
new-stepfamily members and their supporters.
This is one reason co-parents evolving meaningful
is a vital part of
their three or more biofamilies. Part of co-parent
and
is intentionally helping all members evolve clarity and agreement on (a)
everyone’s family roles and rules, and (b) what to title
each role ("You’re not Marian’s real sister, you’re just her
half-sister."). As you know, this is no small task!
Roles and Your Personality
From 27 years' clinical
experience, this nonprofit site proposes that
most (all?) normal
are composed of an "inner family" of talented
like an orchestra or sports team. Each subself performs a special
role in the personality, just as each family adult and child has their
own roles. Like people, subselves' behaviors and relationships are governed
by rules.
They can have role and rule conflicts just like family adults and
kids ("My
feels she is better at managing tasks than my
When a person's subselves are confused, overwhelmed, or conflicted about
their inner and outer roles, that promotes...
Role Confusion and
"Strain"
Psychologists say that adults and kids can be stressed by
role confusion ("I don't know what I'm responsible for") and
role strain. These dynamics
are usually associated with a workplace, but apply equally to complex
stepfamilies. Can you recall the last conversation you all had about "role
confusion and strain in our stepfamily?"
Role strain happens when an adult
or child...
-
is unclear on or
uninterested in their group responsibilities, and/or...
-
feels
inadequate
to do them, in their own or someone else's opinion, and/or...
-
they have concurrent roles
that conflict and/or are collectively overwhelming.
Symptoms of role confusion or
strain can be direct ("I don't know how to be a stepbrother!") or indirect:
irritability, reactivity, sarcasm, "moodiness," combativeness, avoidances,
ambiguity, etc. - i.e. typical signs of significant stress. Use
and
skills to decide whether general stress-symptoms may be caused by role
confusion and/or strain.
| Premise: many
co-parents and kids in typical divorcing families and stepfamilies endure
role confu-sion, conflict, and strain. These are amplified by their' (a)
false-self
and
and (b) social ignorance about these stressors and what to do about
them.
|
Options
for avoiding or reducing this in your inner and physical families include...
Family adults agree on your
stepfamily
what it
who
to your stepfamily, who
and what you're all
together long term.
Co-parents
adults and kids for false-self
and facilitate meaningful personal
If
rule your related homes, your risk for role confusion and strain (and
eventual re/divorce) rises steeply.
Co-parents learn, agree on, and
your
current family-adjustment
and nurturance
needs. Then negotiate
which family adults are best suited to be responsible for filling those
needs - i.e. define your family rolestogether. This is part of
co-parent
and
Help your family adults and kids
learn to
personal
and
effectively - i.e. to say "No, I can’t or won't"
without guilt, shame, or anxiety; and...
Help your adults and kids learn to
use the
communication
to resolve inner and interpersonal conflicts that arise from taking the
steps above.
Co-parents
(a) monitor everyone's role and
rule clarity and satisfaction as you
your several biofamilies over many years, and (b) negotiate
needed adjustments along the way. Redo these steps any time your family
changes because of birth, death, marriage, divorce, disability, or major
catastrophe (new needs.)
Ideally, co-parents will want
to begin these vital tasks
before re/wedding
Did that happen in your stepfamily?
As adults and children negotiate
their home and family responsibilities (roles), they also need to forge
stable agreement on family
rules - how to do their respective roles, in various
situations. Your family members may agree on everyone's
responsibilities, but clash on the rules and consequences associated with
them.
About Family Rules
Like
roles, persons and groups make rules and consequences un/consciously to
promote order and security - comfort.
Rules are shoulds, musts, ought
to's, have to's, and
can'ts ("You can't set fire to the furniture." Rule-making and
enforcing is so pervasive that most of us are unaware of it, except in major
disputes.
Helping each other become aware of how family rules (a) are made
and (b) enforced enables co-parents to identify and resolve conflicts over
rules and consequences. Such conflicts are common in all groups - specially
in typical new stepfamilies.
Homes and families with inconsistent
or few enforced rules are "chaotic." Their main rule is "We
will have or enforce few rules." At the other end of the spectrum are
persons, homes, and families with too many and/or rigid rules.
Multi-home
usually have two sets of rules:
"kids here," and "kids away" (visiting). A challenge for most minor
kids shuttling between two co-parenting homes is to adapt to two different
sets of rules that they didn’t help to create, and often can’t significantly
effect.
All adults, infants, and kids (i.e. their personality subselves)
un/consciously evolve hundreds (thousands?) of behavioral rules
("If I smile at Mom, I may get a hug.") to promote security and
comfort. Such rules sound like this:
-
Every adult and child should help to
maintain order, safety, and sanitation in our home.
-
Every person ought to respect
themselves and each other in calm and conflictual situations
-
Family members should always (want
to) tell the truth
-
Resident adults (vs. kids) must want
to make major household decisions
-
Parents should not want to be buddies
with their kids
-
Our family relatives should feel
loyal to each other, and enjoy celebrating together
-
We all should want to share religious
faith and worship together
-
We each must visit the dentist at
least twice a year and get a physical checkup at least annually.
-
We have to limit our credit-card debt
to no more than $_____ .
-
Each family member is entitled to his or her
personal privacy and human rights.
...and so on. What would you say
are the ten most powerful rules that shape your family's relationships now?
What would your other family members say?
Legal and informal rules that often causes conflicts in and between average
stepfamily homes have to do with child custody, visitations, financial
support, education, activities, home chores, names, hygiene, socializing,
and health. Related rules evolve un/consciously to govern how ex-mates,
stepparents,
step-siblings, and stepfamily relatives should
feel about
and behave toward each other in various settings.
|
A primary
adjustment task
for every new stepchild is to learn and persistently test the key
rules and consequences in each of their homes, to see if they’re really
safe there.
Unaware or overstressed co-parents may misjudge this instinctive healthy
testing as "making trouble," "being uncooperative," "rebelling," or "acting
out."
|
Most initial stepfamily rules are based on members' biofamily
experience, training, and social norms, unless they're stepfamily veterans.
Without adult
this promotes unrealistic expectations -
and escalating frustrations, criticisms, and conflicts.
offers practical options to minimize this,
after family adults accept
your stepfamily identity and what it means.
Who Makes a Family's
Rules...?
This really asks "Who
makes the major decisions in our (your) homes and family?"
Some families are directed by a living or dead matriarch or patriarch.
Others are led by one or more partners or parents, a strong-willed
("high-maintenance") child, and/or an influential advisor. Some families
have co-leaders, and/or different leaders in different situations.
For all of these, family rules are shaped by local and national laws and
social "traditions" - e.g. "We always eat turkey and the trimmings for
Thanksgiving." A reality: stepfamily members may disagree on who should
lead, or who is leading (a) each home and (b) their
of related homes. To clarify
who's leading your homes and whole stepfamily, try
it after reading this article.
A more vital question for each family adult is
"Which
personality subselves make the rules that cause my behavior
in calm and conflictual times?" Co-parent
focuses on answering this question and acting on the answer.
When
courting co-parents commit to a primary relationship, they initiate the
amazingly complex job of merging (compromising and stabilizing) their
personal and biofamilies' roles, rules, and
(customs and traditions) over time. This guarantees waves of family-wide
conflicts over
and other things; and associated relationship
for many years.
All divorced-family and stepfamily adults and supporters need to learn...
-
what each of these are, and
-
how to use these communication
to...
-
discuss and
each type of stressor effectively. Then they need to...
-
teach their young people how to do this.
Co-parent
provides a framework for doing this vital family-building work.
offers options to raise the
among your co-parents as you all patiently merge and stabilize your
biofamilies, assets, and goals.
...and Consequences?
You
know that rules without meaningful consequences are
of little use. Consequences can be pro-vided by nature ("If you don't
brush your teeth, you get cavities.") or by people ("If you're late for
dinner, you're on your own.") "No
consequence"
for a broken rule is a consequence, which impacts all family
members in/directly. To discern your values about rules and consequences,
see
this worksheet, and return.
The challenge of effective (step)child
discipline is to teach kids healthy values and life-skills by
respectfully
providing consequences when they break family rules.
A primary
adjustment task for every new
stepchild is to learn and persistently test the key rules in each
of their homes, to see if they’re really safe there.
Unaware or overstressed co-parents may judgmentally mis-label this
instinctive healthy testing as "making trouble," "being uncooperative,"
"rebelling," or "acting out."
Agreeing on acceptable consequences for stepfamily rule and boundary
violations is usually harder than in average intact biofamilies. This is
because there are more people, more roles, more concurrent conflicts, more
change-adjustments, and few social norms and informed supporters. This is
one reason
courting co-parents do well to
compare their styles of setting and enforcing consequences in calm and
conflictual family situations before deciding to co-commit and live
together.
Co-parents evolving a workable style of (a) defining, (b) asserting, and (c)
respectfully enforcing consequences is the second half of (d) evolving effective
family roles and rules together. This evolution is part of the complex
multi-year merger of your homes and several biofamilies.
More
on family rules, and resolving conflicts about roles and rules.
Do you need a stretch-break before
continuing?
+ + +
<<
Prior page /
Add to favorites /
Print page /
Email this article's address
>>
