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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and preventing divorce.
This introduction describes the Web site's
purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part
of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you
read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This article is one of a series on
strengthening primary relationships. It
focuses on
resolving sexual problems between committed partners. Related
pages focus on reducing sexual stress between ex mates,
stepparents
and stepkids, and stepsiblings.
The article offers...
Get
the most from this article by first reading these...
-
premises about solving
any relationship problem, and about managing
marital problems;
-
four requisites for a mutually
satisfying relationship,
-
this
introduction to normal
personality subselves (like yours) - slides
or text
-
this overview of the silent [wounds
+ ignorance] cycle that may
be stressing you all, and...
-
this
overview of Project 8 - grow and keep a satisfying primary
relationship
Are one or both of
you partners not getting your sexual needs met? “Marital sex” is too complex a topic
for this short article to offer a meaningful roadmap to total bliss. The
article does offer some basic perspectives that can help you discover
probable primary problems, and options for resolving them together.
Premise - your “sex problem" may be a
symptom of other unmet
Identifying
and focusing on them together raises your odds of getting your mutual
sensual and sexual (and other) needs satisfied well enough.
I have post-masters-degree
training in sex therapy and sexual-abuse recovery, and I
am not an expert on this
subject. However, from 70 years on Earth, 40+ years' study of communication
and human
behavior, and 30 years'
learnings about personal
from
childhoods, I feel
qualified to offer the ideas in this article.
As you know, “sex problems”
usually result from an interactive cluster of unmet
needs in both partners. This implies that identifying and resolving your
version of these common relationship
may improve
your sexual satisfactions as a bonus.
Basic Premises - Sex 101
Your
sexual satisfaction is based on your basic attitudes and beliefs about
gender, sensuality, sexuality, and morality. See how many of these ideas you agree with individually and as a couple:
Sexual tension, desire, or
need is a mix of physical, psychological, and
discomforts. They’re
based on involuntary neuro-chemical cycles, which are semi-consciously shaped
by environmental factors, attitudes, and beliefs that you’ve grown since
early childhood. - e.g. “Masturbating is unhealthy, sinful, and disgusting!"
Your
mind-body-spirit need (“drive”) to periodically release sexual tensions is human.
It is no more shameful than digesting, burping, or urinating. The related urge
to procreate is primal, and beyond moral judgment.
The way you fill your sexual
and procreation needs can be judged between nurturing (mutually
sat-isfying and healthy) to
harmful (toxic,
based on many things. There are three or more
judges to please: (a) your
(e.g.
your
and
(b) your mate’s
ruling subselves, and (c) other people whose approval you
value.
Psychological,
biological, and environmental
conditions can inhibit natural female and
male sexual needs and responses. Odds of improving your sexual satisfaction
rise with looking honestly in all three domains.
Typical female
sexual-gratification has a different "profile" (arousal,
buildup, orgasm/s, post-release) than average male
satisfaction. In "non-casual" sex, females'
wholistic
enjoyment often increases when their partner's
genuine focus is on love (intimacy, tenderness, patience, sensuality,
romance, communion, empathy, passion...), vs. mindless mechanical lust,
orgasm, and conquest.
Some males need to feel powerful,
potent, and dominant, which manifests as sexual aggression. Some
females have a complementary need to be dominated, or vice versa. Research suggests that
typical
female brains need
(a) more foreplay than males to reach full climax; (b) need
sexual release somewhat less often, and (c) can experience more sequential orgasms
than average male brains and bodies.
More "Sex 101" premises...
Adults
who suffered sexual trauma (like
abuse) in
childhood seem more likely to have significant sexual (and other) problems than those who didn't. Typically, the greater the mind-body-spirit
trauma, the more like-ly the
will have developed
(a) a
false self and (b) protective memory
or blocks about it
Adult symptoms of early sexual trauma are clear, and
effective healing therapies are available. In my clinical experience, a significant
percentage of average men and women suffered major sexual and
other traumas in their early years. A common one is being
and/or
for feeling and
expres-sing natural
sensuality
, sexuality, and
normal curiosity about those.
Our
ancestral Christian and Victorian
attitudes cast natural sexual desires and behaviors as
shameful ("dirty"). To satisfy consumer demand, our profit-minded media engine
ceaselessly barrages us with unrealistic and exaggerated focus on...
-
youth,
attractiveness (“Six days to more flattering abs, whiter teeth, and an alluring tan!”), and sexual desirability;
and...
-
superficial sexual adventure, titillation, and gratification.
Decades of exposure to
this can hinder some mates from having realistic marital sexual expectations
and experiences. Reality check: who do you compare your sexual attitudes and
behaviors to - do you have sexual hero/ines?
Wounded co-parents enduring ceaseless
can be
to self-medicating via
sexual fantasies (e.g. pornography), arousal, and orgasm. Like other addictions,
these cravings are obsessive (thoughts) and/or compulsions (actions).
They’re
beyond logic or willful control, because of the underlying primal need to
mute relentless shame, guilt, and emotional/
emptiness.
A related addiction is to “sex and love.” I believe
any
addiction is a clear symptom of major childhood
(nurturance-deprivation)
and significant psycho-logical
Individual
in each partner have their own values, needs and priorities about sensuality
and sexuality. These may be based on inaccurate information, experiential
learnings, and ancestral inhi-bitions or prohibitions. (e.g. “A proper
wife must want to submit to her husband’s sexual needs, and not assert her
own.”)
When
these are too conflictual, a partner can experience hormonal imbalance (“low
sexual drive”) and/or enough distraction to block their natural sexual
responses. That can manifest in many ways, like vaginismis (prolonged
contraction or spasm) and impotence.
Sexual
preference appears to be largely developmental and hormonal, rarely learned or
chosen. As such, there is nothing inherently immoral or shameful about
consensual bisexuality or homosexuality. If you’re
curious, skeptical, outraged, or disagree, I recommend that you read “Brain
Sex,” by Anne Moir and David Jessel.
"Good sex"
consistently ranks fifth or lower in thoughtful surveys of marital-satisfaction
factors. Respect, honesty, companionship, empathy, and emotional/spiritual
intimacy usually rank higher, at least with typical
women. What are
your priorities?
From
29 years' study, I believe U.S. divorce is
epidemic partly because
many partners
commit to the wrong
at the wrong
for the wrong
One wrong reason is “to
socially and morally legitimize and satisfy my sexual desire
for you.”
| Premise:
typical
“sexual problems” are symptoms
of major psychological
+ toxic
atti-tudes + ignorance of sexual and
relationship realities
+
Once
identified, each of these can be reduced. From this view, there is no such thing as
a sexual problem,
other than organic dysfunction like hormonal imbalance. Even those may be
affected by personality disharmony! |
You mates
can improve
your sensual and sexual satisfaction any time you commit to...
Lasting improvement is most likely when you each feel "This is
our
project," vs. "This is
your problem: you must change and learn how to
satisfy me (insulting
implication: "my needs and dignity outrank yours").
Status check: See
where you stand with what you just read: T = true, F = false,
and? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends on ____"
I believe each of the premises above; or if not, I’m clear on what I
do believe. (T
F ?)
My
sexual beliefs
and values are my own, not someone else’s - like a religion’s, my ancestors',
my mate’s, or the media’s. (T F ?)
I
know all I
need to know about (a) healthy human sexual functioning and behavior and (b) my personal
sensual and sexual needs. (T F ?)
I
can clearly (a)
name the major differences between male and female sexual needs and
responses, and (b) describe how those differences affect my and my mate’s
recent sexual satisfactions or frustrations. (T F ?)
My needs for sensuality and sexuality (a) have been satisfied well enough recently,
(b) in ways that
enhance (vs. stress) our re/marriage and our self and mutual respect. (T F ?)
I
believe that
any “sex problem” my mate and I are experiencing is a symptom of deeper
personal and relationship problems. (T F ?)
I can separate my and
my mate’s needs for psychological and
intimacy from our
respective needs for physical (sensual/sexual) pleasure. (T F ?)
When one of us has
sexual needs, I consistently rank my partner’s
worth and psychologi-cal, spiritual,
and physical needs as
in importance to mine. (T F ?)
My partner would answer
each of these items as “True” now. (T F ?)
I
(a) want to
discuss these items with my partner now, and I (b) feel totally safe doing so.
(T
F ?)
My
is
clearly
my
right now
- or if not, I know who is lead-ing. (T F ?)
If you learned anything
important here, what is it? If you didn’t learn anything, what does that
mean?
With this foundation, let’s explore
typical sexual problems and your options.
If you're not in a
and don't expect to be, skip to
here.
Stepfamily Sexuality
See if
any of these aspects of typical
stepfamily life may be affecting your sexual
satisfactions:
Typical re/marrying
co-parents are older than first marriers, and (usually) have more sexual
experience to draw on. Compared to their younger selves, the frequency and
intensity of their desire may have mellow-ed, and their mid-life priorities are
often different.
If a
mate has a
chemical
being older implies the addiction may have
progressed to the point that it impairs sexual functioning. The four types of addiction seem to be
common in typical
families and stepfamilies.
Sexual
distrust may be
higher in some stepfamily re/marriages where a partner acknowledges one or more
marital
that contributed to their prior divorce.
The
ongoing presence of
one or more former sexual partners (i.e. stepkids' other parent/s)
makes sexual insecurity and
jealousy more likely with new stepparents than in
typical new first marriages. A divorcing co-parent may still feel strong
sexual desire for her or his ex, which is not subject to
logic, requests, threats, or legal decree.
The
presence of
resident or visiting stepkids can add complex inhibitions and
distractions, and sexual-privacy intrusions, that childless newlyweds don't
face.
More stepfamily factors that
can affect your sexual harmony:
Re/marrying mates'
needs and attitudes about
child conception
are more complex and different than first-marriers. This can generate tension
when a childless stepparent wants to conceive, and their mate says “I don’t
need to again.” Conceiving an “ours” child sets off a complex web of
financial, psychological, loyalty, physical, and family-structure
changes that can
cause
and
which inhibit household and sexual harmonies.
The primal
incest
taboo is
weaker in average stepfamilies than in healthy biofamilies, raising the odds that
stepparents and
stepkids (and/or stepsiblings) can feel sexual attractions. Where
stepparent-stepchild attraction is present, the sexual part of the re/married mates' relationship will be
affected, and/or unfilled adult needs may contribute to inappropriate
thoughts and/or actions.
Minor
and adult kids may feel
significant “upset” (disgust, resentment, outrage, scorn)
with either bio-parent behaving sexually with another
adult
- specially if the kids haven't finished mourning their signifi-cant
This upset can cause secondary
problems that distract and/or conflict you mates from marital and sexual
intimacy and serenity.
At least 80% of the many
hundreds of typical co-parents I've consulted with since 1981 seem to come
from significantly
childhoods. I assume they represent most U.S. divorcing and stepfamily
partners. Low-nurturance childhoods
promote significant psychological
That
raises the odds that one or more of your
will be sexually repressed, shamed, abused, misinformed, scared, addicted, and/or
promiscuous. And...
Innerpersonal
and interpersonal confusions, conflicts, and distractions are more
common in average stepfamilies than in healthy intact biofamilies.
Privacy and undistracted time for intimacy can be harder to
attain. This can inhibit your shared sexual focus and
enjoyment, unless you intentionally work together to avoid that without guilt
or anxiety. That requires
shared
and
and
These and other factors will affect
stepfamily partners in
unique ways. Bottom line: achieving con-sistent sexual harmony in
warp-speed America is challenging enough.
The odds of significant sexual
dis-satisfaction ("problems") are probably higher for typical stepfamily mates
than their first-marrying peers, for many reasons. What do those problems look
like? If you have any, what can you mates do about them?
Typical Surface Sexual Problems
Women and men’s sexual
anxieties and frustrations sound the same in any family situation:
|
"Too seldom (or too often)!"
"Too fast (or slow)!"
"Not enough romance!"
"Too little time!"
“I feel used!”
"I don't feel desired (or desirable)!"
"I (you) have little sexual desire"
"Too little (or too much) foreplay!"
"You compare me to _______ "
"I have an (old) infection that..."
“The kids will hear us…”
"You've, uh, lost your sexy body..."
"You fall asleep right away, and I..."
"B-o-r-i-n-g...."
|
"You don't know what I like!"
"You won't do what I like!"
“I don’t do things like that.”
"Too many interruptions"
"I'm (or you're) too tired, too often!"
"You only do that because I ask,
instead of wanting to..."
"I just want to cuddle, and you want
orgasm.'"
"I’m scared that we'll conceive,
despite..."
"It's your duty as a spouse to..."
"(Some authority) says..."
"I'm ashamed and guilty that I can't please you"
"I'm afraid that I can't please you..."
"You have a big (sexual)
problem..."
|
Add to these a collage of
"mechanical" problems with erection and penetration; hygiene; premature,
mismatching, or interrupted orgasms (or none); timing conflicts ("I
like it best in the morning, but Burt's a night man");...
Any bells ringing here?
These are surface problems which can combine to cause major personal
and mutual hurts, anxieties, resentments, distrusts, frustrations, and doubts.
These can be amplified by many other family and life stressors. To find
relief, let's look a little deeper..
Continue by reviewing
six underlying primary problems, and options for resolving them.
+ + +
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