Break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents
	Options for Relating to Wounded People - p. 2 of 2 Satisfy your needs - within limits By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

 

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GWC response examples, continued...

Assert Your Needs and Limits

        This option extends the prior one by using a respectful three-part "I-message" (assertion):

• a factual description of the GWC's offensive action/s,

• specifically how they affect you and your relationship, and...

• a clear description of what you need from - or won't tolerate with - the wounded person.

This response is most apt to satisfy your needs if (a) your Self is solidly in charge, (b) you feel genuine compassion for the adult or child, (c) you're clear on your personal rights, and (d) you've identified your current primary needs. This option can sound like this:

"(Name), are you open to some feedback from me?" Be prepared for "No." If you get a nod or "Yes," then say something like...

"Nisha, when you interrupt me so often, I feel disrespected and frustrated, and I lose interest in talking with you. If you keep interrupting me, I'm going to confront you every time you do."

"Jake, when you choose to swear often and talk so loudly, I feel distracted, and have trouble hearing what you're trying to say. I need you to stop swearing, and talk more softly with me. If you choose not to do that, I'll walk away."

"Marla, your perfume is so strong it distracts me from focusing on what we're talking about. If you choose to make no change, I'm going to mention this to you every time we talk, from now on."

           If you've described subselves and false-self wounds to the person, you can refer to that in your assertion - e.g. ...

"Alex, when you don't let me know you're going to be late, you're probably controlled by your false self. I feel irritated and discounted when you ignore my needs, and I need you to want to put your true Self in charge and to stop wasting my time."

        If you set a specific consequence or limit with the other person, you need to enforce it consis-tently, or remain in a victim role in your relationship.

        How does this response option compare with how you normally react to obnoxious (wounded) people?

Special Cases

        The options above apply to any significantly-wounded person. Some relationships merit special awareness and perspective, like relating to a wounded mate, ex mate, minor child, parent or relative, and co-worker. Let's look at each of these briefly...

   Relating to a Wounded Mate

        This is the most difficult case, because the stakes are so high. The best time to assess a partner for significant false-self wounds is during courtship - specially if prior kids are involved. An inherent block to this is (a) needy, unaware GWCs often unconsciously choose each other, and (b) minimize, deny, or ignore any warning signs of false-self dominance.

        Prior divorces, affairs, wounded ex mates, addictions, chronic financial, legal, and/or occupational problems, and ex-mate hostility and legal battles, all suggest (vs. prove) significant wounds and una-wareness. For more perspective and options, see these courtship danger signs, and this article for com-mitted partners.

   Relating to a Wounded Ex Mate

        If you're psychologically or legally divorced and you have no mutual minor kids, you may not need to relate to your former partner other than to finalize your settlement. If you co-conceived or adopted kids, you'll need to maintain a co-parental relationship for their sakes for many years.

        Typical divorces breed major distrust, dislike, disrespect, impatience, disinterest, and hostility between exes and some in-laws. Those are usually symptoms that both adults are unaware and are used to being ruled often by a false self.

         Parenting values and responsibilities and the kids' welfare can be ongoing sources of conflict be-tween wounded ex mates - specially if they don't know effective communication skills. Relating to each other with patience and compassion requires each adult to want to forgive themselves and each other for prior hurts, and to steadily separate their personal relationship stressors from child-related goals and problems. That requires their true Selves to be steadily in charge.

When former partners choose a new mate (a stepparent with or without their own kids), family relationships become extra complex. This is specially true if the new partner is an unaware, unrecov-ering GWC - which seems to be the current American norm.

        Use this series of articles and these Q&A items to help manage these complex co-parenting roles and relationships well. This article offers more detail on relating effectively to a wounded ex mate. 

   Relating to a Wounded Minor Child

         Our troubled culture is largely unaware of the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and its many toxic effects. So significantly-wounded kids are often labeled problem children, brats, trouble makers, out-casts, losers, delinquents, misfits, bullies, sissies, wimps, scaredy cats, babies, stupid, lazy, selfish, "bad seeds," black sheep, and "good-for-nothings."

        These shaming labels starkly indicate adult ignorance, and tragically increase the excessive shame, guilt, anxiety, and hopelessness that typical minor children of GWCs feel.

        The first thing to do in relating well to a wounded minor child is to objectively assess (a) the nurtur-ance level of their home and family, and (b) the degree of wounding and unawareness in each of their older caregivers. Then reexamine your expectations of the child, for you may assume s/he "should" be-have like kids from idealized high-nurturance environments. That's like scorning a poodle for not beha-ving like a dolphin.

        If you can acknowledge (a) a child's psychological wounds and unawareness, and (b) that they didn't choose these, and (c) don't know what to do about them, you can see "misbehavior" and "bad at-titudes" with compassion and empathy, rather than frustration, criticism, anger, impatience, and ridi-cule. That does not mean excusing kids from the consequences of their attitudes and behavior.

        For more perspective and options for relating well to a wounded minor child, see this article.

  Relating to a Wounded Parent or Relative

        A universal challenge for all GWCs is relating well-enough to the wounded, unaware adults that raised them. "Relating well enough" means consistently filling your current relationship needs well enough in various situations.

        Once again, the first step is to put your true Self in charge of your subselves. Until you do, it's likely that your Scared, Guilty, Lost, Obedient, and Abandoned Inner Kids and their Guardians will dominate you around your parents and grandparents ("I feel just like I used to around them.")

        Then you may validate your rights as a mature adult, and authorize yourself to hold different values and opinions than your parents - even if that offends and disappoints them.

        Deciding if, when, and how to respectfully confront childhood caregivers with their wounds and una-wareness is hard. Until you do, chances for honest, satisfying (vs. dutiful or pretended) relationships with them are low. That's specially frustrating if you want your own kids to benefit from nourishing grand-parental relations.

        To achieve genuine compassion, accept that your wounded parents and grandparents didn't get their needs met well enough as kids because their ancestors and society were wounded and ignorant. Part of effective adult wound-reduction is grieving the loss of a wholistically-healthy, high-nurturance childhood. That requires acknowledging what specific developmental needs didn't get met, why, and what those losses have meant in your life.

       False selves often bitterly blame parents for not providing what they "should have." Real (vs. pseu-do) wound-recovery progress shifts blame and resentment toward grief, and genuine compassion for their disadvantaged ancestors. Sometimes, grieving childhood losses requires honest confrontation with parents ("I never felt I could trust you to listen to me without correcting me."). Do this to vent, not to punish, whine, or complain.

        A key challenge to overcome in forging honest relationships with wounded relatives is letting go of  the ancient decree "You must respect your elders," without guilt or shame. Respect, trust, love, and honor, must be earned, no matter whose genes and name you carry!

        A future article will explore healthy recovery-confrontations with wounded parents and relatives. Meanwhile, use the guidelines above and this.

        A final special case to consider is...

  Relating to a Wounded Co-worker

        Whether you enjoy your job or not, a universal problem is relating civilly to obnoxious and/or in-competent co-workers. Usually, you must maintain a tolerable relationship in order to get your own work done, while nourishing your self-respect.

        This is a special case because the needs you want to fill with a co-worker are the same and differ-ent than those with other people. Your response options are the same as with other wounded people, but the risks of relating ineffectively are unique (potential loss of job satisfaction and security).

        A special challenge is deciding how to relate to a wounded supervisor, manager, or team-leader. If their attitudes and behaviors are too obnoxious too often, and if compassion, planting seeds, and con-fronting constructively don't improve this, you may need to find other work. Avoiding this decision can be self-neglectful.

        If you do change workplaces, know that average unaware GWCs often unconsciously choose low-nurturance school, social, and work environments similar to their dysfunctional childhood families. Each time they (you) do, it's a new chance to hit bottom and begin true healing.

        For more perspective and options on relating to wounded co-workers, see this.

        We just hilighted relationship options with special wounded people - mates, ex mates, minor kids, childhood caregivers, and co-workers. Pause, breathe, and notice what you're feeling and thinking. If you've learned anything useful here, what is it?

Recap

        This article is one of a series on healthy-relationship fundamentals. It proposes that a normal re-action to growing up with too little nurturance automatically promotes a fragmented personality and up to five related psychological wounds which cause significant personal and social problems. Most aver-age Americans appear to be Grown Wounded Children (GWCs) in denial, which promotes major per-sonal, family, and social stress.

        Once aware of  these "false-self" wounds and what they mean, you can...

• assess yourself for false-self dominance and wounds, and intentionally reduce them;

• change your attitude about wounded people from disdain and pity to respect and compassion; and...

• learn to spot wounded adults and kids, and assert your needs and limits with them respectfully  while keeping your integrity intact.

        This article offers perspective on and guidelines for these responses, and briefly explores relation-ship-response options with wounded mates, ex mates, kids, relatives, and co-workers. For more detail, follow the links.

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        Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what do you need? Is there anyone you want to discuss these ideas with? Who's answering these questions - your wise resident true Self, or ' someone else'?

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Updated  November 02, 2008