Psychological denial is a type of unconscious
which protects us
from experi-encing painful awareness. Habitual and/or
extreme denials are a sure sign of
dominance
We judge other people to be in denial
when our observation of - or intuition about - their
be-haviors doesn't match their own perception ("I am not
depressed - just a little tired, is all!") Denials range
from minor and harmless to major and harmful ["I am
NOT addicted to shoplifting (or whatever)!"]
Can you think of someone in your life who
needs to deny something significant? "Significant" may refer
to an addiction; major relationship, health, or financial
problems; depression or grief; child or elder neglect or
abuse, self-neglect, family dysfunction, major prejudice,
and/or illegal behavior. The master denial is of
itself ("I am NOT denying anything!")
How do you feel around someone in significant denial?
Anxious? Critical? Responsible? Indiffer-ent? Scornful?
Concerned? Amused? Hopeless? Resigned? Motivated? Your reaction
probably de-pends on the nature of your relationship and your
circumstances - e.g. you'd react differently to a pa-rent
denying major illness vs. an acquaintance.
Denials are
not conscious choices, so they will rarely respond to
"willpower," logical reasoning, or confrontations.
Have you ever tried to convince someone that they're denying
something that is obvious to you? What reaction did you get
- anger? Arguing? Resentment? Explanations? Withdrawal?
Cutoff? Whining ("I can't help it)? Excuses? Attacks? ("Oh
yeah? Well you're not admitting _____!") Changing the
subject? Threats? Silence?
"Breaking" or dissolving denials is a paradox - we must
become aware of our unawareness. Yet people do
this if and when their illusions clearly cause a major
trauma, like an arrest, divorce, death, heart attack, DUI, law
suit, bankruptcy, or a child running away. My observation is
that
don't hit true (vs. trial)
and
end protective denials until mid-life. Is that your
experience?
Trying to persuade someone in denial to "get real" is
usually unrealistic. The real problem is
the person's unawareness or denial of
early-childhood
and resulting false-self
If you believe someone is in significant denial, you
can...
-
Do nothing now. Continue
observing; and pity or scorn the
person for "not being real / open / genuine / in touch"
etc.; or...
-
Minimize or avoid contact
with the person or certain topics with them; and/or...
-
Gossip ("Poor Brenda is
totally denying her compulsion to be perfect"); or...
-
Doubt your intuition and/or
observation ("I'm probably imagining Juan's in denial"),
or...
-
Frustrate both of you by
trying to "fix" or "save" the denier, or...
-
Identify your feelings
and needs, and assert them respectfully; and...
-
Evolve and use a strategy for
identifying and relating to significantly-wounded
adults and
kids.
The last two are the
most likely to meet your short and
long-term needs. How?
Response Options
-
Review these
for an effective response
-
Check to see if your
true
Self is
you now. If not, make
a priority
and post-pone your response.
-
If your attitude about
you and the other person is genuine
go ahead. If not, suspect
that a false self rules you.
-
Identify what you
feel
relative to the person's denial, and why - e.g. concern, compassion, curi-osity, smugness, pity, scorn, worry, amusement, indifference or detachment
("That's her prob-lem, not mine"), empathy, and/or
frustration. Every emotion signals one or more
legitimate needs.
If you feel anything other than compassion and concern,
suspect that a false self is cau-sing your thoughts and
feelings.
If you're genuinely (vs. dutifully) concerned
about the other person...
If you feel responsible for the person (like your
child), you may need to have him or her "be courageous
and responsible" and face their discomfort rather than
hide from it. Then your response would seek to cause
behavioral change to please you, not necessari-ly the
other person.
Your need will partly depend on your attitude about
denial. For example, if your ru-ling subselves feel that
denial is a weakness, you may need to
regain respect for the per-son. If you feel denial
is an involuntary protective reflex, you may feel
compassion and empathy - specially if you have your own
denials (!)
-
Ask older teens
and adults if they're open to some personal
feedback. Usually
curiosity and politeness will yield "OK" Assuming and
not asking is aggressive and disrespectful, and may
hinder the person's hearing you.
-
Depending on what you need,
consider responses like these...
To
vent, inform, or learn
"(Name), are you open to hearing a summary of what I'm
learning about personal (psychological) wounds?"
If you get "No," respect that. If "OK," summarize
the six false-self wounds - hilighting
" This discussion can be specially useful if
you are working to reduce your own wounds.
"I'm
interested in your opinion about personal denial. Do you
know what I mean by that?"
"Do
you know anyone whom you feel is in major denial of
something?"
"What
do you think causes major denials?"
"How
do you feel people should react to someone in harmful
denial - like an ad-diction?"
"D'you
feel anyone in your family is in major denial? If so,
what are they denying, why, and what are the effects of
their denial?"
"(Name), I feel you may be in protective denial about
(whatever). Are you open to hearing why, and
discussing it?" Be
cautious with this one, and respect "No" if you get it.
If you get a "Yes," consider referring the person to
Lesson 1 articles in this Web site, starting
here.
To
cause action or set a limit
Denied
false-self wounds - see this
article.
Denied addiction
- see this article on
intervention
Denied abuse
and/or neglect of a dependent - "(Name), I
believe you're unintentionally harming ________. If you
don't get professional help this week, I'm going to call
(an appropriate authority, like the police, Child
Protective Services, a community or state health agency,
a church, etc,)
Denied illegal
behavior - "(Name), you're breaking the law
by (be specific). Unless you stop by (a specific date),
I'm going to notify (an appropriate authority)."
Denied
self-neglect or abuse - "(Name), I'm really
concerned for you. I fear (some-thing specific) is going
to happen unless you (make a specific change). From now
on, I'm going to keep saying this - not to tell you how
to live, but for my own self-respect."
-
Whatever
response you choose, expect the other person to
"resist" - i.e. to deny, excuse, ex-plain, blame,
go silent, deflect, bluster, scoff, joke, etc.
Acknowledge their reaction with respect-ful
and then repeat
what you said originally - calmly, with good eye
contact. Repeat this sequence until you get your
needs met or your needs change.
Bottom line - you have many options to respond
effectively to someone you feel is in harmful denial!
The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/apps/denial.htm