Lesson 2 of 8 - grow effective thinking and communication skills
	Response Options to an Excessively Guilty Person By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member NSRC Expert's Council

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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/apps/guilty.htm

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        This is one of a series of brief articles on how to respond effectively to annoying social behavior.  Review these basic requisites and options before selecting ideas from what follows. An "effective re-sponse" occurs when the responder (a) gets their primary needs met well enough, and (b) both people feel respected enough.

        This article offers useful responses to the behavior of someone you experience as burdened with too much guilt. It assumes you're familiar with...

the intro to this nonprofit Web site and the premises underlying it self-study Lessons 1 and 2 basic options for all responses how to give effective feedback to someone ways to improve communication with adults and kids. overviews of effective assertion and empathic listening skills. perspective on shame and guilt.

Perspective

        Guilt and shame are normal, useful emotions often mislabeled as "negative." They feel similar, but have different origins. Shameful thoughts and feelings occur when we feel worthless, inept, stupid, ugly, inferior, rejected, and unlovable. The opposite of shame is healthy (vs. egotistical) pride and self es-teem.

        Guilty thoughts and feelings stem from believing (or being told) we have broken somebody's rule - a should (not), must (not), ought to, or cannot, ("You must chew with your mouth closed!")  Can you think of an adult or child who seems to feel significant guilt around you occasionally or often? How do they manifest this? Over-apologizing? Avoiding eye (or social) contact? Self-criticism and disparage-ment? "Depression?" Obsessing? Something else?

        How do you feel and respond to their guilty behavior? Indifference? Joking? Moralizing ("You shouldn't feel guilty about ________")? Repress your thoughts and feelings? Criticize? Complain? ("Why are you always down on yourself?") Discount? Interrupt? Intellectualize? Analyze? Change the subject? Reassure? Feel responsible for "fixing" the guilty one? Something else?  Do you respond differently to over-guilty kids, vs. adults?

        Are your usual responses effective?  Is there a "best way" to respond to excessive guilt in another person? Consider these...

Response Options

        Think of someone you feel is "significantly guilty around you," and keep them in mind as you imagine trying these choices...

• Mentally review these general options;

• Ensure (a) your true Self is guiding you, and that (b) you have a genuine mutual-respect attitude about the  you and the guilty person. If you don't, make achieving those a high priority;

• Notice (a) what behavior in the other person suggests excessive guilt, and (b) how that makes you feel now - specifically. Be objective, and avoid judgments.

• Remind yourself of the difference between guilt ("I made a mistake") and shame ("I AM a mis-take!") If you feel the other person is excessively shamed, see this.

• Recall that guilty thoughts and feelings occur when we feel we have broken someone's rule/s.

• Decide what communication outcome you need from responding to the guilty person. Avoid (a) discounting their feelings, (b) expecting to reduce feeling guilty by logic or moralizing, and (c) trying to "fix" or "save" them. With kids, it's OK to teach them.

• Mentally review the spirit of these ageless wisdoms, and be clear on what responsibility you feel toward the other person. Keep your mutual boundaries clear.

• If appropriate, ask the person if s/he is able and willing to receive some respectful feedback. Be alert for anything distracting either of you from exchanging brief, respectful feedback.

        To inform the person how their behavior affects you, compose and deliver a respectful ''I'' message like...

"(Name), when you (describe the specific behavior that impacts you without judgment)
I feel (describe your feelings objectively and clearly). Optional - "... and I need you to (take some specific action by a certain time)."

        Expect the person to "resist your I-message (assertion), and (a) calmly reflect it back, and (b) calmly restate your I-message with good eye contact. Repeat these two steps until (a) you feel heard, (b) you decide s/he can't hear (vs. agree with) you now, or (c) you run out of time or patience.

        To offer relief from excessive guilt, try something like this:

"(Name), are you interested in learning how to reduce your guilts?" Most people will say "Yes." (Would you?) If s/he says "No," respect that.

• Propose that guilt is a normal useful reaction to breaking someone's rule, not "negative."

• Describe the idea that for any specific guilt, s/he can identify (a) the specific rule s/he has broken, and (b) whose rule it is: his or hers, or someone else's - like a parent, relative, church, hero/ine, co-worker, the media, etc.

• If useful, invite the person to mull over these wise guidelines; and to review these sample personal rights;

• If it's someone else's rule, suggest the person identify or compose her/his own rule that applies to the situation. Then invite them to imagine saying to the original rule-maker something ;like "I don't agree with your rule. My rule is ___________."

• Ask the person how s/he feels now about breaking someone else's rule. Option - suggest the person read and discuss this as a follow-up.

• If s/he feels s/he broke his/her own rule, ask what s/he needs to do to satisfy the guilt - e.g. apologize to someone, learn, and/or forgive. 

• Option - if the person accepts the idea of true Self and false selves, ask "Does your Self (capital S) feel guilty, or some other subselves?"

• If the latter, ask "So what does your Self feel about this situation?" Often, it will be "less guilty," or something else (like regret).

• If you feel responsible for whether the person uses these ideas or not, let go! Options

  • model these guilt-management ideas with the person using your own guilts;

  • repeat the response above the next time the person seems burdened with excessive (vs. normal) guilt;

  • follow up later - ask the person how s/he is doing with guilt 

        Notice how you feel about these guilt-response options. How do they compare with your normal responses? Do you feel these options might produce a more satisfying outcome for you? Is there any-thing that might inhibit you from trying these responses? If so, check for a protective false self disabling your true Self.

Recap

        This is one of a series of brief articles suggesting effective ways to respond to common social be-haviors. This article offers two ways to respond effectively to an excessively-guilty person person. The ways are based on...

• keeping your true Self in charge,

• maintaining a mutual-respect attitude,

• clarity on your feelings, needs, and mutual Rights,

• knowing what causes guilt, and how to use it; and...

• fluency in the relationship skills of awareness, assertion, and empathic listening.

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        Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or someone else?

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Updated  08.30.10