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This is one of a
series
of brief articles on how to respond effectively
to annoying social behavior.
An "effective response" occurs
when the responder (a) gets their
met
well enough, and (b) both people feel
respeted enough.
This article offers useful responses to
the behavior of someone you experience as
"over-iddealistic." It assumes you're
familiar with...
Perspective
We live in a "dualistic" world; light / dark;
hot / cold; good / evil; male / female; comfort
/ pain; hope / despair; etc. Adults' and kids'
personalities can be loosely grouped into
"optimists" and "pess-imists" - a
glass-half-full vs. half-empty attitude about
life.
A third group are "realists," who usually
see life as it really seems to be. When someone
you care about is too optimistic it can
be hard to relate to them. If you agree, can you
say why?
Chronic
optimism or pessimism is a form of
which usually signals unawareness of significant
psychological
When that's the case, there are apt to be
multiple
to a sat-isfying relationship - specially if
you are wounded also. Realists and
pragmatists tend to be often gui-ded by their
wise
which by nature are grounded and clear-visioned.
You can feel anxious and frustrated if you fear
something painful or damaging will occur to
some-one you care about and they insist "No,
everything's going to be just fine!" This
is speci-ally stressful if you're a pessimist
and the other is an optimist. The tipping point
between acceptable idealism and excessive
idealism (or pessimism) is unique to each
person.
As you know,
trying
to use logic to significantly change
someone's values is rarely effective. In
other words, you can't persuade someone
to "be less optimistic." You still have many...
Response Options
-
Check your
attitude. Do you see well-meant feedback as
a gift to the other person, or a chal-lenge?
How do you feel when others offer you
respectful feedback about your behavior?
-
Use
to notice when someone is excessively
optimistic or idealistic. Then identify how
this trait makes you feel.
Your feelings are reliable pointers to what
you need.
-
Mentally review
these
until they become automatic.
-
Decide if you want to say something to the
other person now or later. If
so, identify what you need from
"saying something" - to vent? Learn? Inform?
Complain? Hint? Problem-solve? Set or
enforce a limit? Whine? Something else?
-
Depending on
what you need,
choose one or more options from these
examples...
"(Name), are you open to some personal
feedback? If you get "NO," you have
a dif-ferent
problem to respond to.
"I experience
you as unrealistically / rigidly optimistic
/ idealistic."
"I get concerned
that you're denying _______ and that could
hurt you / me / us."
"Do you see
yourself as an idealist or a realist?"
"I see _____
very differently than you do."
"When you're so
rigidly optimistic (Name), I lose trust in
your judgment."
"I feel your
idealism blocks honest communication between
us at times."
"Because you're
so idealistic / optimistic, I've stopped
asking your opinion on some things."
"I think it's
more realistic to say that we can't reliably
predict (some outcome)."
"I admire that
you always see the best in other people -
and I worry that that makes you vulnerable
to betrayal at times."
"Can you give me a hearing check?"
(To test whether s/he received your
response accurately)
-
If
the person is uncomfortable with your
response, s/he may "resist" - i.e.
deny, rationalize, joke, explain, excuse,
argue, blame you, whine, intellectualize,
change the subject, go silent, play "Yes,
but...," etc. Expect this (with any
direct feedback), and use
to acknow-ledge (not agree with) their
response/s. Then calmly repeat your feedback
with steady eye con-tact. Continue this
listen-repeat sequence until you get your
needs met or your needs change.
If there is an excessively idealistic or
optimistic person on your life now, imagine
using responses like these with her or him. How
would you feel, and how would they probably
react? How would your relationship be affected?
How about your self respect?
Bottom line: you don't have to endure
overly-idealistic behavior and it's effects!
