The Web address of this article is https://sfhelp.org/cx/apps/impatient.htm
Updated
09-29-2015
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This is one of a series of brief articles on how
to respond effectively to annoying social
behavior. An effective response occurs
when you get your
met
well enough, and both people feel
heard and respected enough.
This article suggestions how to
respond effectively (a) when you are impatient with
someone, and (b) when someone is annoyingly impatient
with you. The article
assumes you're familiar with...
What's the Problem?
Local or chronic impatience in a child
or adult can be annoying depending on how and
when they express it.. Their attitude and
actions can seem self-centered, rude,
abrupt, loud, cross, gruff, irritated,
frustrated, critical, whiney, and/or and
disrespectful. Such behaviors suggest they're
controlled by a
which is probably unaware of themselves, your
needs, and the process between you.
Your reactions to behaviors like these can be
effective or not,
depending on you and your relationship.
If a
false self controls you, your subselves
may feel one or more of these...
-
guilty (I'm
responsible for the impatience)
-
defensive (I'm
feeling blamed)
-
nervous or anxious
(something bad may/will happen)
-
scornful (stop
complaining and do something)
-
numb and/or
resigned (here we go again)
-
concerned
(how can I help?)
-
detached (it's
your problem, not mine)
-
annoyed (I'm so
tired of your attitude and behavior!)
-
hurt (you don't
care about what I feel and need)
-
(something else)
Expressing any of these impulsively can lower your
self-esteem, promote conflict, and degrade your
relationship. What's an effective
response to someone's impatient behaviors?
Response Options
This YouTube clip provides perspective
on effective confrontations. It mentions eight
sellf-improvement lesso0ns in this Web site -
I've simp-lifie2d that to seven:
First,
recall the definition of an effective
response. Try saying your definition out loud
now. Then...
Prepare
Breathe and take a moment to become
of several things...
-
whether your
true Self is
you.
If not, refocus on
that;
-
the other
person's behavior and specifically how it
affects you - e.g. "I feel annoyed and
disrespected by the
you're expressing your impatience," vs. "You
really annoy me."
-
whether the
other person seems
controlled by a false
self. If so, review these
options and lower your expectations of
being heard and respected now.
And notice...
-
if you feel
mutual respect now. If you
don't, a false self probably dominates you;
and may cause an ineffective response;
-
your current
focus (2-person
or not?); and...
-
what you
need
right now - in
and from your current
If your Self guides you and you feel your and
the other person's needs are equally important
(including kids!), consider saying one or more of these...
Options
-
Intentionally
focus on now, and avoid bringing up
the past and/or several current/old problems
at once;
-
Ask the person
if s/he's open to feedback from you. Asking is a sign of respect. If
s/he isn't open,
look for another time rather than imposing
your needs;
-
Affirm the
person's
behavior briefly with friendly eye contact
and without judgment. That can sound like
"(Name), it looks/sounds like you're pretty
impatient/frustrated right now."
Then wait
for their reaction,
"(Name), when
you growl and swear (or whatever) like that,
I feel irritated (or whatever).
And/or...
Then give the person a brief
to affirm that you hear them.
-
say what you need,
and see if s/he will
with you;
and/or...
-
note that
you two have a
and seek to compromise or agree to
disagree; and/or...
-
calmly
some limit or enforceable consequence if
s/he chooses not to respect your
needs. That can sound ;like
"(Name),
if you choose to keep nagging /
criticizing / threatening me (etc.)
about _____, I'm going to stop listening
/ leave the room / (do something else)."
And/or you may...
Whatever your
response, expect "resistance," (arguing,
complaining, blustering, defocusing,
denying, etc); use
to acknowledge it respectfully and calmly,
and then repeat your original response
briefly and clearly. Repeat this sequence as
often a you need to until something changes.
How do these examples compare with the way you
usually respond when someone is impatient around
or with you? Do you feel responses like these
would probably be effective?
