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        This is one of a series of brief articles on how to respond effectively to annoying social behavior.  Review these basic requisites and options before selecting ideas from what follows. An "effective re-sponse" occurs when the responder (a) gets their primary needs met well enough, and (b) both people feel respected enough.

        This article offers suggestions about how to respond effectively (a) when you are impatient with someone, and (b) when someone is annoyingly impatient with you. The article assumes you're famil-iar with...

the premises underlying this nonprofit Web site self-study Lessons 1 and 2 basic options for all responses how to give effective feedback to someone ways to improve communication with adults and kids. overviews of effective assertion and empathic listening skills. An introduction to addictions

        Recall the last time you felt impatient with someone. How did you behave? Fidget? Interrupt or nag them? Complain? Avoid eye contact? Endure it and repress your feelings? Tune them out? Do something else as they talked? Get frustrated and/or irritated? Are you aware of how you feel and act with someone who is notably impatient with you? Excessively impatient?

        Before reviewing possible responses to each situation, let's take a brief look at...

What Causes Impatience?

        Premise - all human behavior (like yours) aims to reduce (a) current emotional, physical, and spir-itual discomforts or needs, and (b) increase pleasure. Do you agree? Two people's web of current needs are dynamic, and can range from "steadily compatible" to "very conflictual" moment to moment.

        When your needs clash with a partner's, one or both of you can feel impatient or not, depending on many things. "Patience" implies "I'm willing to wait to fill my needs." The willingness can stem from a mix of fear of seeming rude or self-centered + wisdom (experience) + empathy and caring + denial (of your needs), and/or feeling inferior to the other person ("My needs are less important.")

        Premise - This mix of motives - and resulting behavior - come from the subselves that currently controlling each person. The most friction is apt to occur if you and the other person are each domina-ted by subselves who feel "My needs should come first!" That's specially likely if some Inner Kids have disabled your true Self. Your and my true Selves are apt to resolve needs-clashes peacefully by re-spectful compromise and/or problem solving.

        Personality subselves can get impatient with each other, creating inner conflicts. Recall wanting to do something thoroly vs. quickly? Or doing unpleasant or boring tasks and thinking about more satisfying things?

Implication - if you or someone else feel significantly and/or chronically impatient, it probably means one or both of you are ruled by a false self. That's a higher-priority problem than impatience!  See Lesson 1.

Response Options

         These depend on who is impatient.

• Check to see that your true Self is guiding you and that you have a mutual respect attitude to-ard the other person. If not, lower your expectations.

• Mentally review your mutual rights and these general options .

If You Are Impatient With Someone...

• Get clear  on why (i.e. what you need). Possibilities:

  • You want to avoid a conflict, and haven't asserted your needs yet.

  • You're bored, and don't want to be rude.

  • You have an important obligation you need to attend to soon;

  • Your partner is focused on his or her needs, and ignores or discounts yours;

  • Your partner is slower-paced than you, and/or...

  • Something else.

• Clarify your local priorities. Which of your needs are most important to you now and long-term?

• Assess your local awareness bubble. Does it fully include your partner now, or is (part of) your mind "somewhere else"?

• Expecting "resistance," assert your current needs calmly, with good eye contact. For example:

"(Name), I'm really distracted by  ___________ (and I need to attend to that now.)"

"(Name), I'm running short of time. Can we finish up here or set ano-ther time to finish?"

"(Name), I confess I'm not really interested in ______________. What do you need from me right now?"

"(Name), who's needs are more important to you now - yours or mine?" (The best answer is "Both of ours.")

• When your partner reacts (e.g. with whining, complaining, denying, not listening, aggressing, ignoring your comment, etc.) use empathic listening to acknowledge them, and calmly repeat your first statement or question. Repeat this calmly until you get what you need, or run out of time or patience.

        How do these examples compare with the way you usually respond when you're impatient? Note that options like "C'mon - Hurry up!" "Quit dawdling." "You're slower than molasses!" are all disrespect-ful ("1-up"), and risk provoking hurt, anger, guilt, resentment, and conflict.

If Someone Seems Impatient With You...

• Notice (a) how you feel, and (b) what you need from the other person now - to vent? Information? Respect? Compromise? Change (action)? Listening? Eye contact? Empathy? Something else? If you need to vent, beware of (a) flooding (monologing or ranting without pausing) and (b) having a 1-person awareness bubble.

• Remind yourself of your mutual rights, and that the other person's feelings and needs are their responsibility, not yours.

• If you're not sure the person is impatient, avoid assuming s/he is. Clarify what s/he feels ands needs like this:

"(Name), you seem impatient, frustrated, distracted, or bored. What do you need (from me) right now?" Depending on the reply you get, use win-win problem-solving to fill both your needs.

• If the other person denies that they're feeling some mix of these but that doesn't match their nonverbal behavior, try something like...

• (Option) "(Name), are you open to some feedback?" If so...

"I'm confused. Your words say you aren't ___________, but your voice, face, and body say you are."

• If the other person can't or won't identify what s/he needs, s/he may be ruled by a false self (i.e. wounded and unaware). See this for adult perspective and options - or this, if s/he's a child.

• If the person's impatience distracts you, say so - with good eye contact and no apology:

"(Name), it feels like you're not with me right now, and that's distracting me. What do you need ?" Option - then use respectful empathic listening to show that you heard their response.

        Think of the last person who seemed impatient with you, and imagine trying one or more of these responses. What might happen? How would you each feel? If your or their impatience is chronic des-pite responses like these, you probably have a deeper (primary) relationship problem. See this and this for options.

Bottom line - you don't have to endure impatience or inflict it on others!

Recap

        This is one of a series of brief articles suggesting effective ways to respond to common social be-haviors. This article offers perspective on what causes impatience, and ways to respond effectively to significant impatience in you or another person. The ways are based on...

• keeping your true Self in charge,

• maintaining a genuine mutual-respect attitude,

• clarity on your feelings, needs, and mutual Rights, and...

• fluency in the relationship skills of awareness, assertion, and empathic listening.

+ + +

        Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or someone else?

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Updated  03.06.10