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This is one of a
series
of brief articles on how to respond effectively
to annoying social behavior.
Review these basic
and
options
before selecting ideas from what
follows. An "effective re-sponse" occurs
when the responder (a) gets their
met
well enough, and (b) both people feel
enough.
This article offers useful responses to
someone who seems to feel significantly
inferior. It as-sumes you're familiar with...
HOW would you describe the feeling
of inferiority? How would you define it for an
average pre-teen? Some
(wounded) people feel inferior in general, and
others feel inferior in a partic-ular role (like
love-making, cooking, or parenting) or a local
situation (like public speaking, a new job,
...).
If you know someone who seems to feel inferior
in some way, keep them in mind as you read.
Feeling inferior ("I'm not a good / smart /
strong / creative / attractive / fun / et5c. a
you are.") often causes behavioral symptoms. Can
you name some? How about...
-
avoiding eye
contact,
-
over-apologizing
-
frequent nervous
chuckling and/or stuttering,
-
hunched posture,
and/or nail-biting;
-
a lot of "Ums,"
"Uhs," and "I don't know's," and...
-
notable
pessimism and uncertainty.
Can you think of
other telltale behaviors? Note that inferiority
(shame) can cause local or chronic anxi-ety
("worry").
Reflect - when you're with an adult or child who's
burdened by self-doubt and inferiority, what do you
usually feel? Compassion? Scorn (disrespect)?
Impatient? Critical? Frustrated? Superior?
Respon-sible? Guilty? "Nothing"? If you feel
"uncomfortable," can you say why?
What do you usually do? Repress your
feelings? Chide the person? Reassure them? Lecture?
Counsel or advise? Use humor? Pretend? What would it
take to feel comfortable with them? What do you
need? Paradoxically, logic ("You have nothing to
feel inferior about!") or reassuring ("You're such a
great person!") will usually make the other person
feel misunderstood, flawed, and worse.
If you know someone with symptoms of low self
esteem, keep them in mind as you consider these...
Response Options
-
Check to see that
your true Self is
you. If not, make
your first priority.
-
Check your attitude.
If you feel "I-up" (superior), that suggests a
false self rules you. That attitude will
probably come across no matter what you say, and
may cause or amplify their feeling inferior.
-
Remind yourself that
their feeling inferior is their problem, not
yours. You aren't responsible for fixing them
(unless it's your child, or you're broadcasting
superiority).
-
Identify what you
need now with this person - e.g. to vent, to
inform, to "help," or something else. Beware
of offering help that isn't asked for - that can
feel like a put down!
-
Ask if
s/he is open to some personal feedback. If not,
respect that. If so, try responses like these if
they feel right...
"(Name), when you chuckle so much / avoid eye
contact / apologize so often / slump / put
yourself down / etc. I feel
_________________."
"You seem to feel 1-down / uneasy /
self-doubting / apologetic / self-critical /
when we're together (or in general)."
"Why are you
apologizing? You haven't bothered me."
"(Name), when you
often have trouble giving me eye contact, I feel
__________."
"Do you know that I
respect you as a dignified, worthy person?"
"I feel at times you
have trouble respecting yourself. (Is that so?)"
"Am I doing anything
that makes you feel 1-down / put down /
uncomfortable?"
"(Name), who do you
feel most comfortable with? Least
comfortable?"
"I'm sad you have
trouble recognizing and enjoying your talents
and gifts."
"In your experience,
how do people gain self respect and self
confidence?"
How do these responses compare with your normal way
of reacting to "inferiority"? Notice the pattern:
these responses are brief, direct, sincere, honest,
and respectful. No long explanations,
illus-trations, apologies, shoulds, ought to's, need
to's, have to's, or moralizing. How do you feel a
shame-based person would react to responses like
these?
Recap
This is one of a series of illustrations on
effective responses to annoying social behaviors.
This article offers ways of understanding and
responding effectively to someone who feels local or
chronic inferiority.
The
ways are based on...
-
your true Self
-
maintaining a
attitude,
-
clarity on your
feelings, needs, and mutual
Rights, and...
-
fluency in the
relationship skills of awareness, assertion,
and empathic listening.
See also these effective responses to
defensiveness,
depression, and
insecurity
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this
article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
