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This is one of a series of brief articles on how
to respond effectively to annoying social
behavior. An effective response occurs
when you get your
well enough, and both people feel
heard and respected enough.
This article offers useful responses to
the behavior of someone you believe is addicted
to something. It assumes you're familiar with...
Recall the last time you felt envious of
someone. You longed for something they had - a
thing, trait, relationship, asset, talent, or
opportunity. Most people outgrow major envy,
unless they bear
Jealousy is envy + entitlement ("I
deserved ____!") + frustration ("...but I can't
get ______") + resentment ("It's not fair!")
+ possibly a
attitude. Do you agree? Envy and jealousy can
range from occasional to constant, and mild to
obsessional. "Significant" jealousy can
the per-son and the people around them.
Premise - significant envy and
jealousy are caused by a dominant
- several well-intentioned personality
which distrust and disable the wise resident
Typical survivors of a low-nurturance childhood
are unaware of false-self dominance and what it
requesting, or demanding someone to "stop
being so jealous" is useless without the person
their wise, balanced true Self.
in this nonprofit Website provides an effective
way to do this over time. If you are
troubled by significant envy or jealousy, learn
If you're stressed by someone else's
jealousy, how do you normally respond? Say
nothing? Seethe? Pretend? Gossip? Avoid? Hint?
Complain? Criticize? Whine? Confront? None
of these qualify as an "effective response"
the definition of "effective response" above
and these response
until they become automatic.
Consider these options for
to a wounded person.
Stay clear on
the difference between the jealousy (a
trait) and the person.
to notice objectively how you feel
about the envy or jealousy. Your emotions
reliably point to what you need.
Identify what you need to accomplish by
responding. To vent? Inform?
Confront? Set or enforce a limit? Cause
change? Maintain your self-respect? Support
someone else (like a child)? Something
else? Depending on what you need, choose
one or more responses like these:
undistracted and your
is "below your ears,"
if the person is open to some personal
If you get "No," you have a
to respond to.
experience you as significantly envious /
"When you let
your jealousy rule you, I lose patience with
/ respect for / you."
"Are you aware
you're playing 'poor me!' now?
"I respect /
like / enjoy / you more when you acknowledge
what you do have, rather than
complain about what you don't have."
"(Name), is your
glass half-empty or half full?"
"How do you feel
about someone who's burdened with
significant envy or jealousy?"
"Have you ever
met anyone who has intentionally gotten over
"How do you
think significant jealousy affects typical
relationships and families?"
"How does your
jealousy affect / improve / benefit your
"I suspect a
false self is controlling your life and
Notice the theme of these examples - calm,
brief, respectful, honest, and direct.
Also notice what's missing: blaming,
lecturing, labeling, preaching, apologizing,
hinting, threatening, analyzing, bringing up
the past, and long explanations.
not responding proactively
the other person's problem attitude and
behaviors. Would you prefer respectful
feedback on your problem behaviors,
or pretense and silence?
the other person to argue, explain,
make excuses, deny, avoid, clam up,
intellectualize, blame, whine, play
helpless, etc. Use
to acknowledge their "resistances," and then
calmly repeat your response until you feel
heard well enough or your needs change.
responsibility for your needs and behavior,
the other person's needs and feelings.
Can you imagine reacting to an excessively
envious or jealous person like these examples?
If so, how do you think you each would feel? If
you can't imagine responding like this, what's
in the way?
This is one of a series
of brief articles suggesting effective ways to
respond to common social behaviors. This article offers perspective on
significant envy and jealousy, and ways to
respond effectively to a significantly envious or
jealous person. The ways are
your true Self
clarity on your
feelings, needs, and personal
fluency in the
relationship skills of awareness, assertion,
and empathic listening.
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this
article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
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