Try defining "malice"
out loud, as tho to a pre-teen.
A thesaurus lists these synonyms; ill will,
grudge, spite, malevolence, nastiness, and
unkindness. Have you ever met an adult or child
with any of these attitudes and behaviors? Would
anyone ever accuse you of displaying any
of them?
If
you've ever met a malicious person, how
did you feel? How did you react? Common
responses include feeling intimidated,
resentful, anxious, aggressive, critical,
righteous, disrespectful, and/or de-fensive.
It's hard to feel neutral when someone wants
you to suffer for some reason (like revenge).
Significant and/or chronic anger, hostility, and
ill-will is a sure sign the person is controlled
by a protective false self. It's also a sign
s/he doesn't know how to assert needs and
feelings effectively. Understanding this can
help keep an attitude of respect and compassion
vs. lose-lose antagonism or intimidation.
Perhaps the easiest response to such a person is
avoidance - at the cost of feeling
anxious and furtive. Where avoidance or
endurance aren't practical or acceptable,
is there
a "best way" to respond effectively to a
malicious, spiteful person?
Response Options
Begin by (a) having your true Self
and (b) choosing an attitude of
to-ward the malicious person. Then (c) mentally
review your
rights as a worthy, dignified person.
-
Decide what you
need - specifically - with this person: to
vent, to apologize, to set or enforce a
boundary, an admission ("Yes, I want you to
suffer!"), a different attitude, a promise,
willingness to problem-solve, and/or
different behavior.
As you decide, be aware - if a false
self rules the malicious person, s/he may be
unable to feel or behave differently.
Requesting or demanding something beyond a
person's capabilities will only increase
antagonism and mutual resentment.
-
Mentally review
the steps to making an
-
Decide if you're
going to vent,
-
Compose a calm,
direct, response that expresses your feeling
or need clearly. That might sound like...
"(Name), can you
tell me what's bothering you (about me)?"
"My sense is
that part of you wants to see me suffer. Is
that right?"
"So you're /
bitter / angery / resentful (at me) because
________."
This is empathic
lis-tening, not agreeing).
"(Name), What do
you need from me now?"
"When you speak
/ act / behave like that, I lose respect for
you."
"When you seek
to hurt me, I feel _______________ (and I
need _____________)."
"I don't like
the way you're treating me."
"When you need
to be sarcastic / critical / demeaning, I
can't hear you."
"(Name), are you
willing to problem-solve with me?"
"I'm not going
to respond to your false self any more."
"When you spread
malicious rumors about me, I feel ________
(and I need ______________."
Notice the theme of these responses: they clear,
brief, direct, here-and-now, respectful,
and fac-tual (vs. emotional) statements.
As with any assertive or confrontive
communication, these are best delivered calmly,
with steady eye contact.
Expect the other person to "resist" you,
and use
to acknowledge (vs. agree with or engage)
them. Then calmly restate your assertive
response.
If there is a malicious child or adult in your
life now, imagine using attitudes and
responses like these with her/him. How do you think
s/he would feel and react? Would you satisfy
your primary needs?
Avoid
(false self) responses like these:
"Oh, grow up! You're acting
like a six year old!" (1-up,
blaming, labeling)
"OK, OK - I'll do
_____________________ (give in)."
(placating)
"(Name), You give 'obnoxious' a whole
new meaning!" (sarcastic put-down)
"You think that bothers me? Dream
on..." (I'm 1-up - superior to
you)
"With a mean attitude like that, how
do you live with yourself?"
(sarcastic put-down)
"Did someone put lemon juice in your
mother's milk?" (insult).
"OK (Name). If
you want to fight dirty, so will I!"
(lose-lose challenge).
"You're totally wrong. I never said /
did that!" (arguing / challenging /
1-up)
"Do you realize what a fool you look /
act / sound like?" (1-up insult,
name-calling)
Disrespectful responses like these will probably
escalate and prolong the malice!
Lose-lose.
The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/apps/malice.htm
This
article offers (a) perspective on "malice,"
and (b) options for responding well to it. The article
assumes
you're familiar with: