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This is one of a
series
of brief articles on how to respond effectively
to annoying social behavior.
Review these basic
and
options
before selecting ideas from what
follows. An "effective re-sponse" occurs
when the responder (a) gets their
met
well enough, and (b) both people feel
enough.
This
article offers (a) perspective on
"obnoxious" people, and (b) links to several related
articles suggesting how to respond to one. It assumes you're familiar with...
Perspective
What
does it take for you to call an adult or child
obnoxious? Would anyone describe
you that way? Since obnoxious people often have
trouble making stable friendships, what you
suppose causes their unpleasant attitudes and
behaviors, and why do they keep them?
Obnoxious is a catch-all term for one or
more unpleasant behaviors like...
Any
other traits you would add? Note the difference
between these annoying behaviors and the
person.
Premise - when excessive and/or chronic,
each of
these traits is caused by [psychological
+
- not "an obnoxious personality.
The core wound is a fragmented personality ruled
by well-intentioned
- often one or more
The person is unaware of their wounds and
attitudes, other people's needs and feelings,
social courtesies, and the effect of their
behavior on other people. They also may feel
guilty, ashamed, frus-trated, and defiant
because they sense other people find them (their
traits) "obnoxious" and they don't know how to
fix that.
From this point of view, obnoxious (wounded,
unaware] people deserve compassion, not scorn or
criticism. Would you revile or scorn a person
with a club foot for not being a graceful
dancer? Compas-sion does not mean you
must endure their behaviors!
Reflect - how do you usually behave with an
"obnoxious" person? Does your response vary with
your roles and relationship? The person's gender
or race? Their age? Do you "suffer in silence"?
Hint? Avoid? Criticize? Scorn? Gossip about
them? Complain? Pity? Confront? Label? Something
else? How do you feel about your response?
Guilty? "Uncomfortable"? Righteous? Nothing?
Is their
a best way to respond to an obnoxious person?
Consider these...
Options
-
Use awareness to
(a) notice you feel the person's behavior is
"obnoxious," and (b) how their be-havior
affects you - i.e. how you feel around them.
Your emotions point to what you need to do,
if anything.
-
If appropriate,
remind yourself of (a) these basic
response-options,
and (b) your rights as a dig-nified person
whose needs and values are just as important
as the other person's.
-
If you accept
the multi-factor definition of "obnoxious"
above,
meditate on which of those com-ponent
behaviors bother you with this person, and
follow the links to review possible
responses
to each
behavior. Then act on them one or two at a
time, keeping your Self
and a mutually-respectful
-
Intentionally
avoid lose-lose responses like these:
"You are so obnoxious!"
(Shaming and combative)
"I can't believe how rude / insensitive /
crude / ______ / you are!" (ditto)
"(Name), you have the sensitivity of a
tree stump!" (ditto)
"Wake UP, will you?" (vague
and 1-up)
"You really turn me off, (Name)."
(vague and provocative)
"You're really messing up your kids,
you know?" (vague, accusatory, and
1-up)
"Where
were you when they passed out common
courtesy?" (ditto)
Responses like these (a) suggest a
is
speaking, (b) are lose-lose insults, (c)
invite counter-insults, and (d) make win-win
problem-solving hard or impossible.
Recap
This is one of a series of brief articles suggesting
effective ways to respond effectively to common
social behaviors. This article defines
"obnoxious" behavior as a cluster of unpleasant
social traits caused by psychological wounds +
unawareness. It provides links to effective
responses to each trait, and illustrates
lose-lose responses to "obnoxious" attitudes and
behaviors.
