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Response Options to Offensive Behavior
Assert and
enforce respectful limits!
By
Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC
Experts Council
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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/apps/offense.htm
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read the whole article before following any.
This is one of a
series
of brief articles on how to respond effectively
to annoying social behavior.
Review these basic
and
options
before selecting ideas from what
follows. An "effective re-sponse" occurs
when the responder (a) gets their
met
well enough, and (b) both people feel
enough.
This article offers useful responses to
the behavior of someone you believe is addicted
to something. It assumes you're familiar with...
Perspective
Some
adults or kids (specially teens) use offensive
language. Individual terms or phrases
and/or some topics may cause revulsion, disgust,
outrage, or "discomfort." Another common
reaction is to feel disrespected by the
speaker's lack of awareness, empathy, and tact.
Can you think of a child or adult who uses
offensive language "too often"? If so, how do
you feel, when they do? Shocked?
Irritated? Disgusted? Anxious? Conflicted?
Frustrated? Critical? Scornful? Righteous?
Superior? Passive? Torn (ambivalent)?
Intimidated? Amused? Weary? Numb?
"Uncom-fortable"?
What do you usually need then - honor
your integrity and values ("stand up for
yourself")? Vent or inform? Cause change? Assert
or enforce a limit? Teach (e.g. a child)? Avoid
conflict or rejection? Something else?
How do you normally respond? Say and do
nothing (endure)? Snort? Chuckle or joke?
Pretend? Sigh? Criticize? Tune out? Request or
demand? Hint? Label or name-call? Make a face?
Recoil? Con-front? Shake your head? Roll your
eyes? Shut down? Change the subject? Something
else? Does your response usually get you what
you need? Does it leave you both feeling
heard and respected?
If not, consider your...
Response Options
-
Review these
until they become automatic;
-
If appropriate,
refresh yourself on effective
and
skills, and how you feel when you use
them;
-
Identify what result/s you want from your
response - to vent and/or inform? To
learn? To set or enforce a boundary? To
problem-solve? Avoid false-self (lose-lose)
motives like to shame, pun-ish, threaten,
control, or manipulate the other person.
-
Observe the
other person's
If it seems "above their ears," use sincere
empathic listening to lower it so they can
hear you.
-
Ask if s/he is
open to hearing some personal feedback. If
you get "Not really," or "Not now," honor
that. If "OK," then...
-
Depending on
what you need, choose a response like
these...
To
vent or inform - calmly, with
steady eye-contact, say something brief
like...
"(Name), when
you
(describe the offensive behavior clearly and
objectively), I feel (de-scribe your
emotions calmly and objectively).
"(Name), are
you aware of how your (specific offensive
behavior) affects other peo-ple? (or "me?")
"Are you aware
of how often you
(describe the specific behavior/s without
judgment)?"
"(Name), when
you choose to ___________, I feel
disrespected / irritated / hurt / angry /
disgusted / frustrated / _____."
If appropriate (and true), distinguish
between the person and the offensive
behavior - "I'm offended by (name
the behavior), not by you."
To cause action or set limits
- calm, steady eye-contact is important!
Note that not
asserting your needs or limits encourages
the person to continue their of-fensive
behavior. In other words, you become
half of the problem!
"(Name), I'm
uncomfortable with / offended by
(a specific behavior, like "your swear-ing /
using sexual innuendos / saying
'nigger' / kike / greaser / asshole / ... ).
Are you willing to stop that?"
If you get anything but a believable "Yes,"
have a do-able consequence ready, like "Then
I'm going to call you on it every time you
do."
Option - if appropriate, ask for a
"hearing check" to see if the person heard
you clearly - e.g. "Would you tell me
what you just heard from me, in your own
words?"
-
As
with all assertions, expect the
person to "resist" - i.e. to deny,
explain, justify ("I can't help it - that's
just me"), whine, get resentful,
counterblame, change the subject, be silent,
joke, con-descend, label you ("Why are you
so touchy?"), name-call ("Whatta prude!"),
get angry, etc.
When they do, use calm
and repeat your assertion. Repeat this
sequence as often as you need to fill your
needs.
-
If the other
person is a child, adapt these options and
add these.
-
Follow up.
If the person changes her/his offensive
behavior, affirm that and thank them.
Recap
This is one of a series of brief articles suggesting
effective ways to respond to common social
be-haviors. This article offers perspective on
offensive behavior, and ways to
respond well to offensive speech or actions. The ways are
based on...
-
your true Self
-
maintaining a
attitude,
-
clarity on your
feelings, needs, and mutual
Rights, and...
-
fluency in the
relationship skills of awareness, assertion,
and empathic listening.
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this
article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
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Updated
06/09/2010
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