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This is one of a
series
of brief articles on how to respond effectively
to annoying social behavior. An "effective response" occurs
when the responder (a) gets their
met
well enough, and (b) both people feel
enough.
This article offers useful responses
to someone you experience as
overwhelmed. It assumes
you're familiar with...
If there's an
overwhelmed or burned-out person in your life, keep them
inn mind as you read.
Perspective
Around 1400, the English word "whelm" meant to
completely cover something with water or an
overturned dish. Now overwhelm means
being "completely taken over" by something, like
emotional intensity or environmental events.
Have you ever felt overwhelmed or
overloaded? If so, how would you describe
that state to someone who hasn't felt it?
Common symptoms include...
-
feeling mentally
and emotionally exhausted, depleted, numb,
weak, hopeless, paralyzed, and spent;
-
thinking "I
can't bear / endure / do (something) one
more time;" and/or...
-
feeling "wiped
out," and "unable to think," concentrate,
make decisions, and/or to do routine
activities.
If you're not overwhelmed, what are you?
Can you think of an appropriate word besides
normal? What would you say causes
overwhelm?
-
seeing no
acceptable options in a critical situation
-
having to make
too many major decisions at once (too many
simultaneous inner conflicts among your
subselves, with a disabled true Self)
-
working too hard
without rest, and seeing no end to this
-
feeling unable
to do what must be done
-
having too many
people depending on you for too much,
and/or...
-
being
overpowered by environmental forces or
stimulations.
Each
of these can be amplified by physical
exhaustion, disability, weakness, and/or pain.
The point - when you encounter an
overwhelmed adult or child, be aware of factors
like these to guide your behavior toward them.
Response Options
If you sense that an adult or child is
"significantly" overwhelmed...
-
Accept that
asking them for a response may be more than
they can manage for now.
-
Notice your
feelings with and about the person. They
point to what you need - e.g. to vent, to
learn, to empathize, to encourage, or
something else.
-
Unless it's an
emergency, avoid
and
Both are disrespectful, and block personal
growth;
-
Watch your
language. Using words like catastrophe,
doom, hopeless,
-
Remind yourself
of your definition of an
and these
;
-
Get clear on
what you need, and guesstimate what the
overwhelmed person needs e.g.
-
vali-dation and empathy, realistic
encouragement, a chance to vent, patience,
companionship, solitude, and help to
identify their feelings and prioritize their
needs;
-
Keep your
clear. In non-emergencies, taking
responsibility for reducing their problem
may raise your stress, and block their
growth.
Then consider options like these, as
appropriate...
"(Name), I'm concerned about you. can
you tell me how (or what) you're feeling)
now?" If you get
something like "Not really," respect that!
If the person is able to de-scribe
feeling (overwhelmed), use good eye contact
and
to affirm what s/he says. That could sound
like...
"So you're feeling like things are just too
much for you now."
"I'd like to know more about that."
If the person goes into more
detail, continue to use re-spectful empathic
listening. Use questions sparingly - just
affirm what s/he says, and wait.
"You're
worrying about / feeling responsible for /
struggling with / trying to /
_____________, _______________,
and _______________. That feels
like a LOT!"
"(Name), can you say what you need
(from me) right now?" Be prepared
for "No," "Nothing," and "I don't know."
That may be true, or it may be the person
isn't able to identify what they need
currently, and/or they may be uncomfortable
asking for help.
"I wonder what would help you feel
better." This is a statement
that invites the other person to muse, but
doesn't require an answer.
"If you could make progress on just
one thing now, what would it be?
Option - be alert for the chance to
to identify the person's current primary
needs.
"(Name), please count on me if you
ever need to talk / vent /
let off steam / brainstorm
/ get suggestions." This
leaves the choice to the other person, and
doesn't force help on them."
"What would you say your main
priorities are right now?" This
may lead to sorting things out - or not.
Avoid telling the person what their
priorities ought to be!
(Name), I sense that a false self has
for now."
This is only
useful if the person accepts the reality of
When
a
rules,
an
effective way to reduce (and prevent)
overwhelm is to free the person's resident
true Self.
Lesson 1 here shows you how.
Implication - if you or someone
else feels significantly overwhelmed,
suspect that's a symptom of the real problem
- false-self dominance.
"I'm
interested to see how you resolve your
situation."
This expresses your support, your boundary
("this is your dilemma, not mine"),
and your confidence that the person can find
their own solution. This contrasts with
suggesting solutions - "fixing" or rescuing
the person.
Try saying these samples out loud, for full
effect. How do they compare with how you would
usu-ally interact with an overwhelmed person? I
you were overwhelmed, how would you feel
if someone said them to you?
Note the theme of these responses -
they're brief, non-directive, focused on the
other person, and express respectful concern for
him or her. Contrast them with these...
Responses to Avoid
Unaware
people risk adding stress to the
overwhelmed person by saying things like...
"C'mon, (Name) - get a grip!" (instructing,
shaming)
"Cheer up, it could be worse!"
(discounting,
distorting)
"Hey, other people have it much worse."
(discounting, guilt-tripping)
"Well, we all have problems."
(generalizing instead of empathizing)
"What you need to do is _____________."
(advising instead of empathizing)
"When the going gets tough, the tough get
going!" (moralizing, preaching)
"A good night's sleep will make a new person
out of you." (maybe - or maybe
not)
"Maybe you ought to get professional help."
(implies "You can't take care of
yourself.")
"If you'd followed my advice, you wouldn't
feel like this!" (blaming /
shaming)
"When I was in your shoes, what I did
was _______" (focusing on you)
Responses like these usually indicate that the
speaker...
-
is ruled by a
false self, and is unaware of that and the
other person's needs; and they may...
-
need to lower
their own discomfort by discounting
the problem, changing the focus, or "making"
the overwhelmed person "feel better." It
also probably means...
-
the speaker
isn't aware of Lesson-2
basics and the
response options above.
Recap
This is one of a
series of articles suggesting
effective responses to common social behaviors. This article offers
(a) perspective on feeling overwhelmed, and
(b) specific options for
responding effectively to an overwhelmed person. It
also illustrates responses to avoid.
These
response-options are
based on...
-
your true Self in charge;
-
maintaining a
attitude;
-
clarifying your
feelings, needs, and mutual
Rights; and...
-
fluency in the
relationship skills of awareness, assertion,
and empathic listening.
