Think of the people you enjoy being with the
most. Is
one of their traits sincerity - i.e.
being genu-ine, honest, and "real"? Would
people describe you that way? Now think
of others you have known who seem insincere,
glib, "plastic" or "phony" at times. How do you
feel with such a person - distrustful?
Judgmental? Pitying? Annoyed? Disinterested? Do
you pretend politeness or interest you don't
feel (are you phony?) Do you
avoid eye contact? Shorten conversations?
Confront or avoid confronting? Change the
subject? Gossip about them? Discount them?
Politicians and used-car salesmen are
stereotyped as insincere. Politicians shape
their behavior to get your vote and the power of
their social role - and they deny or minimize
that. Many salespeople want your money and the
satisfaction of persuading you to buy. Others
also seek your satisfaction with their
wares and services.
Premises -
insincere people need to hide their
current feelings, needs, and opinions to avoid
(a) their own feelings, and/or (b) feared scorn
and rejection, and/or (c) they're trying to
manipulate others into giving them
something they need, like approval, respect,
companionship, sex, or something ma-terial.
Do you agree?
Chronic or local insincerity is a sure sign
of...
-
and psychological wounds (like excessive
shame and fear), and...
-
undeveloped
and relationship skills.
Does this opinion
make sense to you? If it does, notice what
happens if you change "S/He's so phony" to
"S/He's wounded and unaware." Adopting this
empathic attitude has at least two benefits:
it makes
possible, which is essential for
and...
it opens
up a group of responses that may (a) improve
your relationship and/or your serenity and
self confidence, and (b) safely expand the
other person's awareness.
Response Options
Premise - effective responses to
any annoying social behavior are genuine,
honest, and respect-ful. They honor your
and are honest about your current feelings,
perceptions, and needs. This raises a common
problem: being genuine may cause hurt,
rejection, resentment, and conflict - yes?
Do you
feel responsible for others' reactions to your
behaviors? Is it your job to protect
others from sadness, confusion, anxiety, shame,
and guilt? After 23 years' recovery from
false-self wounds, I vote "No." Protecting other
people from bearable discomfort is
depriving them of the chance to learn how to
deal with it effectively. "Tact" and
"politeness" are often
self-serving, and are not always social graces.
What follows is based on this bias.
-
Mentally review
these basics until ghey become automatic;
-
Ask the person
if s/he is open to some personal
feedback.
Skipping this risks focusing only on your
needs and disrespecting the person. If s/he
is open, select from options like these...
To
Learn, Vent,
or Inform:
"(Name), will
you tell me why you're talking to me now?
What do you need?"
"I'm getting a
double message from you now, and I'm
confused. Your words say _______, but your
voice, body, and face say
(something else)."
To
Confront, Cause Change, and/or Problem-solve:
"(Name), I don't trust you to disclose
what you truly feel / need / perceive about
___________." Expect some resistance
to this type of response (denial,
explanation, ex-cuses, blame, resentment,
etc.) and use
to acknowledge (vs. agree with) it. Then
repeat your response briefly, with good eye
contact. Repeat this sequence until you're
satisfied or your needs change.
"(Name), Am I
doing something that prevents you from
telling me honestly what you're feeling /
needing now?"
"I sense that
you're avoiding something important now. Is
that so?"
"I notice that
you're smiling /chuckling as you talk about
(something painful). What are you
feeling now?"
"(Name), I sense
you're being tactful to guard me against
feeling uncomfortable. I need you to be
honest, and let me be responsible for my
feelings and what they mean, OK?"
"(Name), I feel
you're withholding something because you
don't feel safe telling me your truth. is
that so?"
There are many possible variations to these
responses. Think of someone you feel
is "plastic" or phony (scared to be "real"),
and imagine how they'd react to calm,
respectful comments like these. Then imagine
how you'd feel saying them,
and if someone said them to you.
"You're so plastic / phony /
glib / two-faced / dishonest / political /
insincere / full of ______ / manipulative /
etc." These are 1-up "you-statements"
(critical labels) that will probably evoke
resentment, anger, and defensiveness and
block any chance to prob-lem-solve a
mutually-respectful teammates.
The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/apps/phony.htm