See how you feel about these proposals...
We
feel sad when...
Sadness isn't "caused by" grief. It is a
phase
of the emotional level of grief. As such, it is
helpful, and needs to be allowed to
complete at its own pace.
Over time, normal sadness fades into
acceptance and peace - i.e. sadness is usually a
temporary
state, unless grief becomes
Sad thoughts and feelings come from one or
more of your subselves who "activate." The
thoughts and feelings recede when the subselves
"calm down."
Non-specific sadness may be one of several
symptoms (vs. proof) of "depression."
People who experience significant sadness in
another person may become uncomfortable, and
feel they should reassure and make the sad
person "feel better." This is specially true of
adults and kids. Often this really aims to
lower their own anxiety around the sad person.
People who feel and show little sadness over
losses or others' pain are usually ruled by a
false self, and may be unable to bond and/or
empathize.
People who are "perpetually sad" are
probably ruled by a false self - like the
and one or
more
Freeing
their resident true Self can allow sadness to
run its course and subside. (Lesson 1)
With these premises in mind, reflect: how do you
normally feel around a notably sad
person, and what do you normally do? Now
recall the last time you felt sad. What
did you need other people to do? Empathize?
Comfort you? Listen? Question? Reassure you?
Hold you? Distract you? Talk? Be silent?
Recall the definition of "an effective response"
above. Then consider these...
Options
-
Recall these
and
until they become automatic
-
Notice what you
feel with or about the sad person. Then
decide what you need.
-
Estimate what
s/he needs from you now, and choose from
responses like these:.
"(Name), how are
you feeling?"
"You seem very
sad."
"Do you want to
talk about anything?"
If the answer is "Yes," use
"Can I give you
a hug?"
"Do you need
company, or would you rather be alone?"
"What do
you need now?"
Note the theme of these sample responses -
brief, direct, respectful, focused on the sad
person in the present, and acknowledging the
sadness without trying to discount, deflect, or
"fix" it. For contrast, consider these...
Responses to Avoid
"I know just how you feel."
This is an arrogant assumption. You probably
don't
"You'll feel
better soon."
Focuses on the
future, not now.
"C'mon (Name) - it's not that big a
deal." This is a disrespectful
discount.
"Lighten up, will you? You're bringing
us all down with your gloom." Ditto
"Don't come out of your room without a
happy face!" (Implication - "Your
sadness is wrong/bad, and you're responsible
for our happiness.") A shaming
put-down to young kids.
"I remember when that (situation)
happened to me." Shifts the focus
from the sad per-son to you.
"Hey, everyone - welcome Prince/ss
Gloom!" A sarcastic, unempathic
put-down, and clumsy attempt to offset
sadness with humor.
"But look at the good side..."
This discounts and invalidates the
person's sadness.
"Isn't Rosa
great? She never let's things get her down!"
Implication - the other person is
not great (bad) for showing their
sadness.
"It's more fun to be around upbeat
people, don't you think?" Indirect
criticism that implies the sad person is "no
fun" (bad/wrong).
.
Note the theme of these responses -
arrogant, disrespectful, sarcastic, judgmental,
self-serving, and unempathic. Have you ever
received comments like these? If so, how did you
feel? Responses like these suggest a false self
is in charge.
The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/apps/sadness.htm