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This is one of a
series
of brief articles on how to respond effectively
to annoying social behavior.
Review these basic
and
options
before selecting ideas from what
follows. An "effective re-sponse" occurs
when the responder (a) gets their
met
well enough, and (b) both people feel
enough.
This article offers brief perspective on
"awareness," and ways to respond to someone
who's relatively unaware.
This article offers useful (a)
perspective on awareness, and
illustrates effective responses
to someone you experience as
unaware. It assumes
you're familiar with...
Perspective
How would you describe awareness to a
pre-teen? How about unawareness? Now
compare your descriptions to this simple
and this
concept. Our mind, spirit, body, and six (?)
senses pro-vide us with an endless array of
things to be aware (conscious) of now and
over time. These "things" can be current
("real"), remembered, or imagined. To avoid
overwhelm, we learn to automatically screen out
much inner and outer information, and stay
focused on a small portion of our present
moments.
Our awareness is like the beam of a flashlight
on the wall of a dark cave or tunnel. It
illuminates a fraction of what there is to
"see." With increasing life-experience and
awareness of our awareness, we can change
brightness, stability, direction, and the scope
of our beam (narrow to wide). With medita-tion,
journaling, and practice, we can become
conscious of some "unconscious" thoughts and
feelings, hunches, premonitions, spiritual
realities, and "senses." Doing this increases
our life choices.
Accurate awareness of what you and any partners
are thinking, feeling, needing, and doing from
moment to moment is essential for effective
communication, empathy, and true intimacy - do
you agree? Situationally and generally, we each
can be judged to be between "very unaware" to
"very aware."
Where would you rank yourself on this spectrum
recently? Where would people who know you
rank you? Are you as aware as you'd like to be?
Can you think of someone you'd say is "very
aware"? If so, how do you judge that?
This
article focuses on four awareness zones:
(a) inside you, (b) inside your current
partner/s, (c) the dynamic process between
you, and (d) the environment around you
partners.
Ongoing
mutual awareness of all four zones is essential
for
Reflect - do you evaluate a part-ner's
awareness in important situations?
If they seem too unaware, what do you usually
do? Repress? Ignore? Numb or tune out? Feel
cri-tical or frustrated? Discount them? Feel
superior? Lecture? Demand? Hint? Chide?
Confront? Some-thing else? Your choice of
response depends on (a) what you need and (b)
your shared bond and trust.
What are
your choices if you perceive that a
communication partner is too unaware of
these zones?
Response Options
-
As appropriate,
mentally
review these basic
options until they become
automatic.
-
Identify what you feel around
the unaware person - in general, and/or
right now. Your emotions point to unfilled
needs;
-
Identify what you need with and from
the unaware person now - to vent?
Learn? Inform? Cause action? Set or enforce
a boundary? Notice the needs not
listed: to reprimand, shame, manipu-late,
battle, punish, be "right," discount, "win,"
or show off. Needs like these usually
indicate local false-self dominance and
ineffective
-
As a courtesy,
ask if the person is open to some
personal feedback. If s/he says or
implies "No," you have a different
problem.
If you need to vent or learn...
"(Name), I
experience you as unaware (of one or more
zones) now or overtime)."
"Do you see
yourself as a fairly empathic / aware
person?"
"Are you aware
of your eye focus / facial expression /
voice tone / body language / repetition /
chuckling / interrupting me / rambling /
monologing /preaching / lec-turing (etc)."
"Are you aware
of what happens when we start to talk about
money / kids / sex / re-ligion / relatives /
our relationship / some conflict (etc.)?"
"Are you aware
of what your fingers / hands / foot / face
are doing now?"
"When you tap
your foot / drum your fingers / clear your
throat / say "Umm,'" / pick your nails / rub
your ____, I get distracted and irritated."
"(Name), what
are you aware of right now?
"Are you aware
you've been talking nonstop for __ minutes?"
"Are you aware
of what I feel / need / think now?"
"(Name), what do
you need from me right now?"
If you need to cause action or set a
limit...
"(Name), when
you seem unaware of (one or more zones, ore
something else), I'm going to comment /
confront you / point that out / tell you
what I need / etc."
"Would you be
interested in some ideas about awareness
that would help us com-municate better?"
"I'd like to
suggest a simple
to raise your awareness and help our com-munication."
"Please take
this quiz
on communication basics, and then discuss it
with me. OK?"
I'd like you to
try a useful communication-skill practice
with me on
awareness /
digging down
/ listening /
metatalk /
assertion
/ problem
solving."
"I need you to
read this article on
awareness (and/or
awareness skill)
and discuss it with me when you're done."
-
With any responses like these, expect
the other person to deny, explain, excuse,
deny, whine, complain, argue, attack or
discount you, go silent, laugh, or some
other "resistance." If s/he does,
acknowledge it with respectful empathic
listening, and repeat your original
response. Do this until you get what you
need, or your needs change.
Note the theme of these examples (e.g.
brevity, clarity, respect, calmness, good eye
contact, and directness), and use your
creativity and vocabulary to fashion similar
responses that fit your per-sonality and style.
Can you think of someone in your life now
whose unawareness bothers you? If so, can
you imagine using responses like these to
get a different outcome with them? If not,
what's in the way?
