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Response Options to an Unfocused Person
How to be with
someone who "can't concentrate"
By
Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC
Experts Council
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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/apps/unfocused.htm
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read the whole article before following any.
This is one of a
series
of brief articles on how to respond effectively
to annoying social behavior.
Review these basic
and
options
before selecting ideas from what
follows. An "effective re-sponse" occurs
when the responder (a) gets their
met
well enough, and (b) both people feel
enough.
This article offers (a) perspective
on being "focused," and (b) illustrates
effective responses
to a significantly-unfocused person. It assumes
you're familiar with...
Perspective
Can you think of an adult or child who often
bounces from one topic to another without
finishing the first one? Do you find yourself
wondering "So what's your point?" S/He may or
may not talk non-stop
(a separate problem). If you know such a person,
recall how you feel when they bounce around.
Impatient? Annoyed? Frustrated? Amused?
Critical? Scornful? Bored? Something else?
Reflect on what you need from a "rambler," and
how you normally try to fill your need (how you
respond to them). Is it effective?
To craft
an effective response, be aware of several
things. First, accept that for
whatever rea-son, the person is unaware of
having a "one-person
That's
normal for most kids, and vexing with most
adults - specially if they're
egotistical. Where
this is true, you probably need the person to
want to expand to a steady two-person bubble
(i.e. to be genuinely aware of your
feelings and needs).
Second, review the
we all communicate, and guess what s/he
needs by rambling? Possible needs: to...
-
be "pleasant"
and avoid disapproval and rejection;
-
avoid
scary feelings from a true two-way
conversation;
-
avoid
feeling inept as a conversational partner;
-
avoid
exposing shameful ignorance or "weirdness;"
and/or to...
-
maintain control
of your exchange and avoid
insecurity;
-
express
unconscious nervousness and anxiety;
-
impress or
attract you in some way; and/or to...
-
avoid
uncomfortable silence, or feeling "We have
nothing to talk about."
Note the theme -
s/he probably rambles to guard against some
anxiety (discomfort). If you intuit what a
rambler needs, how would that affect your
communication needs?
Do you
acknowledge that your needs and his/hers are of
The person may have un/diagnosed
(ADD), so their jumping around may be organic,
rather than psychological.
Third,
clarify what your role is with this person.
Are you a friend or relative? A parent? a
coworker? A superior or subordinate? Your roles
will probably shape your needs and responses -
e.g. you'd re-spond differently to your sibling
or child than to your boss, a stranger, or a
state trooper (yes?).
Options
To be aware of dynamics like those above,
you'll
need your true Self to be steadily
you. If not, make that your first priority!
Then...
-
Clarify what you
need your response to accomplish -
specifically. To vent? Inform? Cause change?
To
Avoid
conflict? Problem solve? Something else?
Several of these?
-
Decide whether
you're responsible for filling the rambler's
probable needs now. If s/he's an able adult,
you're probably not responsible. You
are responsible for your attitude and
behavior.
-
If appropriate,
review your mutual
rights
as dignified people (regardless of age or
status).
-
Mentally review
the principals of
giving effective feedback to a willing
partner. The more you do it, the more
automatic it becomes.
-
Depending on what outcome you wish, try
responses like these:
"(Name), are you
open to some feedback (about how you're
talking) now?"
To vent and
inform:
"So you want me
to know _________ ."
(sum up the most
recent topic and what you think the person
needed by talking about it).
"(Name), are you aware that you often
bounce from one subject to another? (When
you do, I have trouble following you / start
to tune you out)."
"I'm feeling
confused now."
"(Name), when you bounce from one
subject to another so often, I feel
___________ (...and I need you to stay
focused on one thing at a time.)"
"I'm not sure why you're telling me
this. Can you sum up your point?" If
you use this, the person may not be aware of
why they're talking, and may make up
some reason. If so, they're probably unaware
of being ruled by a
To cause
change:
"Please stop for
a second."
"(Name), it's
frustrating for me when you change topic so
often. I'm going to let you know when you do
that."
"You're rambling
again..."
"Focus!"
To
problem-solve:
"(Name),
would you like me to alert you when you
change the subject?"
"How would
you like me to alert you?"
"I'm going
to put up my hands when you change the
subject too fast for me."
Even if you respond calmly and respectfully, a
wounded (shame-based) person may interpret your
message as a criticism or attack. S/He may deny,
explain, over-apologize, whine, criticize or
blame you, numb out, or something else. If so,
use
to acknowledge what s/he says, and then repeat
your response calmly, with good eye contact. Do
this sequence as often ad you need to to get
your point across.
Sense the theme of these options, and use
your own style and language to respond.
Notice
how many choices you have, rather than having to
endure the other's rambling!
Recap
This is one of a series of brief articles suggesting
effective ways to respond to common social
be-haviors. This article offers ways to
respond effectively to someone who rambles and has
trouble staying focused. Responses vary
depending on what your needs are. The ways are
based on...
-
your true Self
-
maintaining a
attitude,
-
clarity on your
feelings, needs, and mutual
rights, and...
-
fluency in the
relationship skills of awareness, assertion,
and empathic listening.
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this
article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
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Updated
06.09.10
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